Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
If this is right, then why do I feel so bad?
December 17, 2006
7:34 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Risingfromtheashes

"I decided to stop the insanity...and work on me.

Whether I am fixed or not, time will tell...but I know that this relationship, as bumpy as it is now, is FAR from the drama and chaos of my previous ones. So, I think I am making progress."

Good stuff!! You probably entered into your present relationship under the control of your 'head' more so than your 'heart'. Is this how you see it?

It's the safest way. Real love IMHO is best developed over time with the right person rather than by having to develop 'tough love' with a Mr. Wrong no matter how great the craving for him may have been or the height of the ecstasy of the orgasm with him.

December 18, 2006
8:29 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ecstasy of the orgasm huh???

I don't think so...the sex sucked...lol.

I think I entered this relationship with eyes wide open...I see my new partner for exactly who he is, no delusions and know the kind of lifestyle I am in for. I know what I got and like it.

I think my ex did a good job creating a false image of himself...he's a good con artist. Tho, looking back, there WERE warning signs and I could have seen them if I wasn't so excited about the fantasy we were creating together.

I have no delusions now...I think that's the biggest factor in all this.

December 18, 2006
2:28 pm
Avatar
missfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rising and Tez,

You sound like you are doing great.

Glad to hear it. Tez, you better not be mean to her.

I was at a party friday night and met someone. He thought we were gonna do it right there on my daughter's couch.

I must give off some kind of sign that all I am good for is sex.

Left him sitting there on the couch, and went to bed.

I'm not ready for a new guy. Sex would be nice, but I don't have the head vs heart thing down yet.

Just got another email from D. telling me how much this is bs that we are not together. And to call him to take me on a date. Told him to let me get on with my life. he got what he wanted.

Now, I don't want him around and he's there. The man is so into himself, he can't see past it.

You know the saying " Not on the same page?"

We weren't even in the same book!

I am concentrating on finding work and my family. That's it.

Do you think I should go on occational dates? As long as I don't date one person more than twice?

December 18, 2006
6:59 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

missfixit

"Glad to hear it. Tez, you better not be mean to her."

Is it alright for her to be mean to me every so often? 🙂

And you asked:

"Do you think I should go on occational dates? As long as I don't date one person more than twice?"

I wouldn't have a clue. The advisability of dating without intent of having any more than two dates maximum would depend upon your motives in doing that.

If you are honest and up front with the guys from the very beginning I cannot see why not. If the guy goes ahead with the date he is obviously not after a one night stand. If he is prepared to 'invest' his time, and money in meeting your very short term needs on the off chance that you might continue on dating him then why not! He must want more than just sex in that case.

But why would you even entertain the prospect of limiting yourself to only two dates per person? In order to avoid being used sexually?

We all get used every day in one way or another. Our bosses 'use' us to make money, to fulfill their need for power, prestige etc. My distributer uses me and my company without a skerrick of appreciation for how far I bend over backwards to meet their needs. The women who come over to ask me to dance with them are using me for their own ends. Those who don't ask me and who are grateful for the dances I give them are not using me. I use them to please my buddy who owns and runs the dance as his business. He just loves seeing me giving dances to damsels who for one reason or another are 'missing out' on dances. Often it is because they are not good dancers. Surprisingly I seem to get more out of dancing with them than with the hotshot dance women who ask me for a dance. One such woman really upset my partner last week by pushing for more dances than what my partner considered to be her fair 'quota'. Out of consideration for my partner's wishes, I knocked back the woman's request for the extra dances pointing out that my partner wanted those particular dances with me.

I think 'using people' becomes wrong when we are dishonest about the 'transaction'. That is, when we promise with our words, body language, demeanor etc to deliver the 'goods' in return for 'payment' without any intentions of making the 'delivery'. I had an ex-buddy, a business partner, a fellow director in a small company, who is now downgraded to a persona non grata. He leases a BMW ZX3 sports car. It is a rich man's toy. He lives in a leased luxury unit from which he runs his business. This guy was a millionaire who lost all his money through stupid business investments and bad marriages. He is now just one jump ahead of the bankruptcy courts. Yet he still frequents the night club circuits, living the life of a high roller. When he meets beautiful women very much younger than he is, they fall for his continental charm. He then tells them up front he has no money. They don't believe him because of the life style he leads. Without saying so he convinces them that he has a short term liquidity problem. They then 'invest' in their futures by paying his way for him and putting money into his business. He screws the arse off them sexually and monetarily and then when they finally realize the truth, he points out that he has always been 100% 'truthful' with them. Hmmmm! The strange thing is that he leaves behind him a trail of women who still 'love' him to death and still chase him. He simply 'sighs' giving them 'if only's' that seem to take away their pain and make them feel as though he is the victim not them. He conned me in business just one time too many and I let him pull the rug right out from under himself. I stood idly bye and watched, refusing his best attempts to con me yet again into 'helping' him. When all his cajoling and cunning failed he lost it and became abusive. I gave him his marching orders and have had nothing to do with him since.

What we put in place of such words as 'goods', 'transactions' and 'payment' in sexual and business relationships is largely irrelevant, IMHO. The principle that applies should be the same - honesty.

A prostitute promises sex in return for money. I'm fine with that arrangement. It's not for me - but it suits many guys. And it is an 'honest' transaction. The woman honestly pretends to love the 'John' giving of herself for a predefined period of time. I've known(not sexually) several professionals of this kind and found them nice women within the confines of their profession. I respect them very much.

If a woman 'trades' sex for romantic and emotional fulfillment thats fine by me also. Besides she is also getting sex too - even though she may not want it as often as the guy. Though these days I believe the tables may be turning.

But if by demeanor, body language and deceiving ways a woman promises a man sex without saying so in order to get a night out on the town, then that is not OK in my book.

Neither is it OK for a man to expect sex and 'crack the shits' when it is clearly spelled out by the woman that sex will only happen if and when the woman is ready and wants it. 'Prick' teasers(female or homosexuals) and 'emotion' teasers(males or homosexuals) both make me see red.

However unromantic I may sound in what I have written in response to your question, I think that honesty is still the best policy in relationships in my opinion. Often discrete honesty can still cause a partner pain. The alternative of deceit is far worse IMHO. If I seriously 'fell in love with' and wanted another woman, I would come right out and tell my partner as softly and as gently as I could; therein breaking it off with her first. Even though I would suffer some pain in the short term, I would want her to do the same if she fell for some one else. I've made that clear to her. But she doesn't trust her good looking sisters!! She's veryu jealous and insecure. Hmmm!! I've pointed it out to her that she mustn't trust me. She says she does trust me but not them. Does this mean that she thinks I am a mindless slave to any pretty woman who grabs me by my dick???? Hmmm!!

Honesty, honesty, and more honesty ... ... ...

December 18, 2006
7:35 pm
Avatar
missfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tez,

I've pointed it out to her that she mustn't trust me. She says she does trust me but not them. Does this mean that she thinks I am a mindless slave to any pretty woman who grabs me by my dick???? Hmmm!!

...No, it means she does not believe what you are saying to her. You tell her she mustn't trust you and she says she does.

What is gonna happen when you act on your impulses (when a pretty woman grabs you)? Is she going to be hurt and surprised, even though you told her not to trust you, in the first place?

I agree, even though it hurts. I want to be broken up with, if my partner wants to be with or date someone else.

Also, in the beginning, if they do not want to be exclusive, they should tell me. Or I should tell them. My last bf wanted me to be exclusive but not himself. That is not fair play.

I was wondering if I should date only because it has been so soon after my break up.

What is the waiting period supposed to be?

And if I only date one or two times, then I have a better chance of not falling for the guy.

There is also the mutual agreement of sex only.

I have met men that will waste the money on dinner, and actually complain if they are not going to get the sex afterward. Which it did come up during dinner. "What did I waste this dinner for, if I'm not gonna get laid?"

Also, the guy who you tell, we are only friends, yet for some reason still does not believe you. They actually try to convince me that I am attracted to them. Fortunately, it did not ruin our friendship. However, it makes it hard to take him out with friends, as he likes to hang all over me, which makes everyone around think we are a couple.

I am going to try to put myself out there and experiment a little.

December 18, 2006
7:40 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

missfixit....

I caution you against responding to him.

you feed his ego by responding. you hurt him when you don't respond.

I am not saying this should be your motive, but it's a great mental incentive.

by responding, you are STILL ENGAGING with him...and any moment spent engaging with him is a moment wasted...and honestly, he doesn't deserve to waste one more moment of your life.

Plus, reading his emails and responding requires you to think of what he wrote, feel a response then type the response...which means you are still feeling "something" for him.

The quicker way to recover from him is to be 100% free of him. And that won't happen until you stop reading and responding.

I say block him, his email, his phone, you name it.

Now as for your date question.

Perhaps we do put out signals that say use me for sex...without knowing you, I couldn't say what it is...but I think it's real.

Sometimes I believe we are magnets for losers too...but then again I realize that what we say shows that...we end up interested in the losers with the "hard luck" stories and we shy away from guys who look too "nice".

Should you date?

I think you should address your recovery first...put YOU first...DATE YOURSELF first...get to know what you want, what you like, what you expect, waht you will and won't tolerate...THEN go fishing for a date.

Otherwise, you are just fishing in a big ocean, using the wrong bait and in the wrong season...you may get lucky and land a whopper, but chances are you will only land the sickly ones that are hungry and will take any bait.

if that makes any sense.

December 18, 2006
7:45 pm
Avatar
missfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rising,

I think you should address your recovery first...put YOU first...DATE YOURSELF first...get to know what you want, what you like, what you expect, waht you will and won't tolerate...THEN go fishing for a date.

Otherwise, you are just fishing in a big ocean, using the wrong bait and in the wrong season...you may get lucky and land a whopper, but chances are you will only land the sickly ones that are hungry and will take any bait.

Yeah, it makes sense. Just not sure how to go about dating myself.

December 19, 2006
9:04 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dating yourself means spending time with you...getting comfortable with being alone.

being comfortable with being alone makes you NOT NEED a guy...which makes you NOT NEEDY, and makes it easier to not be clingy and dependent on someone else for your happiness.

Once you can be happy on your own, you are ready to date real people...lol.

I work on my craft projects, have considered going back to school and doing volunteer work....I have worked on "discipline" like doing my chores and not neglecting my health by eating right and exercising.

I have read self help books. I have made new friends. I have enjoyed spending time with my daughter more.

I built myself a life...so when I start dating, I bring something to the table, and expect the guy to do the same. I don't want to go to the table saying "I'll do anything you want cuz I don't have a life and I'll let you control mine cuz I don't know what I want".

Instead, I go to the table with "here I am, this is me, this is my life, my interests, my lifestyle and this is what I expect from you.....and if we are compatible, great.

But I know I won't lose myself in the process.

I hope this makes sense.

December 19, 2006
11:46 am
Avatar
missfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Makes perfect sense.

I think I have done that in the past. At least, my friends and family have told me so.

My girls say that I am so much more happy when I am alone. I do my own thing, and don't rely on anyone else for my happiness.

My oldest says I'm exzillerant (spelling?) when I'm alone. I radiate confidence. Am just a better person to be around.

I know this too. Because I feel it. I even remember being happy, knowing what I want, and deciding not to ever settle again.

Then, poof. Man comes along, and I become dependent on them. Even when I don't want to. I get so worried that if I don't do it their way, I will loose them.

And, instead, I loose myself. And, eventually them. Good or bad.

....Instead, I go to the table with "here I am, this is me, this is my life, my interests, my lifestyle and this is what I expect from you.....and if we are compatible, great. ....

I love this statement. In fact, I used it once.

I put my foot down with D, and told him that, this is my life. If you want to be part of it, so be it.

But, I lost me in there. Something happened to change me, again.
I don't remember what did it. I know I did get wrapped up in what he was doing and what he wanted to do.
He would never spend time with my friends or my family. And, I'm all about family. More excuses from him.

I hate waking up every morning. I feel like I have nothing and am nothing. Sometimes, I don't think I should even be here anymore. But, if that were true, I'd be in a coma.

But, I've been here before and know it will pass. And, I have so many good people in my life. And, alot to be thankful for.

I also remember, right before I met D. I wanted to be alone for awhile. I liked it. I only hung out with friends. I did my own thing, and I swore, another man would not take over my life, again.

But he was so persistant. I thought it was a sign that I should be with him. Usually, you tell a guy to get lost, they do. He kept coming back. And, he had all the right moves.

I'm going to do what you suggest, again. lol And realize I am not going to get instantanious results.

Thanks again. And, don't feel bad about Christmas. I let everyone know not to get me anything, cause I am broke, and would feel bad if they got me anything.

December 19, 2006
2:05 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think that you need to focus recovery on "where it fell apart".

what did he do that made you feel like you needed him at any cost?

cuz that was my problem...I could not stand up and say no...they were sweet talkers and they found ways to just "get back" into my life...without an apology, without an explanation, without any consequences.

I know where I go wrong...I didn't want to feel like a failure...I didn't want to feel like I was "losing" again.

You see, when I was growing up, I always felt like I had to fight to get my dad's attention, and I always felt like I lost the fight with him.

So, when a guy comes along and I fall for him, I feel like I am losing if he walks away.

It triggers the abandonment that my father created.

Alone, I am on top of the world...but when I am with a guy, I will do anything to keep him.

Trouble is, during these times, my "inner self" fights with my subconcious self...cuz my inner self wants me to stand up for what I believe in...but my subconcious self wants me to do whatever it takes...so, I try to justify to myself why I am doing it...and the battle wages WITHIN me, and usually I implode and take out everyone around me...usually when I explode, I explode at my partner...they learn to see it coming and disappear when it happens and come back when the dust clears...I set this pattern with more than one guy.

I have learned to trust my inner self...and realize what my issues are...and my symptoms...and now I can deal with them on my own...and THEN, with a clear head, approach my partner to discuss the issues.

I am still learning...I am four months into a new relationship and so far things are going ok...some issues, but they aren't dominating me and aren't making me do anything that I don't believe in...or gives me internal conflict.

So, I think you have to work on your recovery in finding out waht triggers you and what past "pain" needs healing.

December 20, 2006
4:53 pm
Avatar
missfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

With me it was my Mom. She left when I was 11. I still get jealous of my sisters. She does treat them better, but I try not to say anything any more. It just catapults into an argument with everyone.

I think one reason I feel like holding on so tightly is because I am afraid that if I leave, the guy will go find someone else, while I'm gone.

This is so dumb, cause they do it anyway.

I've had this problem with more than one guy, also. I even catch myself accusing them before they even give me cause to worry.

I'm going to work on me and what I want for me. And, make sure I am strong enough to handle it, when someone does come along. I just hope I don't become that "old maid" that tez was talking about.

December 21, 2006
2:58 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

missfixit.

On the 18-Dec-06 you wrote:

"What is gonna happen when you act on your impulses (when a pretty woman grabs you)? Is she going to be hurt and surprised, even though you told her not to trust you, in the first place?"

???? These questions don't make sense to me at all. I never told my partner not to trust me.

I simply said that she must think that I am untrustworthy because she said that though she trusts me she does not trust the flirtatious women. She is inferring that I have no say in the matter of going to another woman.

I am certainly NOT going to act on my "impulses". I never said or inferred that I would.

In fact one very pretty and flirtatious lady, as lately as last night at a dance, has been giving me filthy looks for not responding to her advances made a fortnight ago.

I think that you have either misread or misunderstood what I wrote.

December 21, 2006
9:12 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

missfixit,

I think that the abandonment your mother made you feel is what causes you to hold tight to a relationship despite it's aparent unhealthiness.

That you would rather not "lose him", even tho staying would be painful.

I had this issue too.

My mom tried to attempt suicide for the second or third time when I was 11 - she was in a coma for four days...I was the one who found her.

And my dad checked out on me around that time too...as soon as I got my period, I was no longer daddy's little girl...I went from being his sidekick to being nothing. My brother was the golden child who could do no wrong and had total freedome.

I resented him until two years ago.

I got over it when he told me that even tho he had total freedom, it was no cake walk....that total freedom made him feel like the parents didn't care enough about him to put restrictions on him. So he acted up, in effort to get them to put their foot down and show they care. They never did.

So, I saw it thru a new perspective...I felt I was smothered with too many rules and he felt he didn't have enough...and both of us felt like they didn't care.

we have a good relationship now.

but my dad still neglects me...that will never change.

but I changed how I see it, how I feel about it and how I react to it.

check out the support side...I think it's called "feeling disposable" I think...or "opinions needed"....there are two posts by mzkitty, where I talk about my relationship with my father and what it did to my relationships and life...and how I rose above it.

There is hope....you just have to go in that closet of skeletons, let them fall at your feet and for once, deal with them and make them go away once and for all...instead of sweeping them back in the closet.

I was going to coda meetings and that helped the closet door swing wide open. Other things people said triggered that "implosion" that I could no longer avoid...but BOY it felt good once the dust cleared.

that closet had been locked for a long time and I didn't even realize what was contained within.

as adults, we have a choice - to keep being the "victim"...keep putting ourself in that role...or to stay enough is enough and reclaim control of our lives.

frankly, I like the control I have now....cuz the control I thought I Had before was just an ILLUSION and when my relationships hit the fan...that illusion was always shattered and rocked my world.

December 21, 2006
4:40 pm
Avatar
missfixit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry Tez,

I did miss read what you said. Reread it and now it makes sense.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111138
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
OsbornWebb, alpino12, Warnisses, degastro, kojuyu, NathanielClark
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information