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If this is right, then why do I feel so bad?
December 6, 2006
2:08 pm
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missfixit
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I was dating my bf for a year. Throughout the year, I would have doubts of his loyalty. He would come over at night, but would not spend weekends or days with me. He was a flirt and hard to handle out. He would be out of town weeks at a time. Hanging out at strip clubs every night. He vowed that he loved me and that there was no one else. But on weekends, when he was home, he only came at night. When I would get discouraged, I would break it off. I'd been through cheating and lying relationships before. And, I did not want to repeat the same pattern.
He would call, text message (his favorite) e-mail, stating how much he loved and missed me. When we would get together again, I would ask him who he had been with and finally he would get mad and tell me. I would be devestated. He would appologize and state that we were broken up at the time so it was ok.
A pattern began. Every month or so, I would get insecure and want to know why he would cheat on me. He would say I was crazy and insecure and negative. We would get into another fight and the whole thing would start over again. Every time we broke up, he would search for someone else. This last time he continued searching while I was in the room. He even asked for advice on how to meet these women.
He also had a meth and heroin addiction.

He would call me names, throw things at me, have awful mood swings.

I kept trying to break it off. But he would cry and say he was sorry and lure me back. But, the minute I would return he would bring up another woman, then get mad because I would ask questions.

He said he is now seeing someone else and to leave him alone. Says he gave me too many chances to get over my insecurities and that I used him.
I didn't want him til he found someone else, although he was searching the whole time.

I can't stop moping around, and checking my e-mail constantly. I keep reading his last one over and over.

How do I move out of this rut?

December 6, 2006
2:24 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Recognize that HE GAVE YOU GOOD REASON to feel this way.

You didn't feel mistrust for a loyal guy, you felt mistrust for someone who could NOT be trusted.

His behaviour was very erratic and I dated someone EXACTLY like him, so I know damn well how it feels.

You are left doubting yourself, feeling like the crazy one and wondering if maybe it's all your fault.

It isn't.

Give it time, know you did the right thing, TRUST YOUR OWN GUT, and move on...in time you will come to realize that you did the right thing for you.

You don't need a guy who makes you feel so insecure...if he was doing everything right, I might say you were being insecure without just cause, but he had many behaviours that reeks of being untrustworthy and in time, you may have found out truths you could not handle.

Be glad you are out, and find yourself again...and learn to trust yourself, and not be conned by a liar.

December 6, 2006
2:41 pm
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missfixit
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risingfromtheashes,

Thanks so much for the advice. It's good to know I am not alone.

Moving on is hard for me. I kept wanting to fix him. Hoping he would realize what he was doing and only want me.

He wanted me less as I tried to tell him his faults.

I don't like how I became around him. Scared to make a move. Frustrated all the time.
Now, I'm just sad all the time.

How does one move on in a possitive way?

December 6, 2006
3:40 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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For me, I went to coda meetings, I found them via http://www.coda.org, which helped me address my "NEED" or my drive to fix everyone else and stop focusing on my own needs, and stop focusing on what I need to fix myself.

I also read alot - courage to trust, twenty five words, codependent no more and women who love too much (which is what spearheaded my drive to better myself).

I went to therapy, but looking back, I didn't have a good therapist.

I took anti-depressants to get thru the really dark days (off them now).

And I came here - ALOT - and paid alot of attention to what others were saying.

Also, I gave ALOT of advice, cuz the best advice we give is usually the same advice we need to heed ourselves. How often would you tell a friend something and they say "you should listen to your own advice"...cuz it's true, we teach best what we need to learn most.

Moving on is hard...no contact is the ONLY way to get thru this...the longer you stay emeshed with him, the longer it will take to heal.

I didn't think I would ever get past what I went thru with my ex...I truly felt I had lost my mind.

Flash forward six months and I am the happiest I have been in six years...it can be done.

Oh, and I started praying and going to church...that helped too.

December 6, 2006
5:29 pm
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missfixit
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That is so true about listening to your own advice. I am always giving my friends and daughters advice. Then listening to myself. And, saying. "I'm so good at helping others through things. But not myself."
I think it's cause when it's you, you are in it, you want to stay in it, no matter how miserable you are.
I always try to make it better.

I agree with you about reading. And praying and going back to church.

That is another thing I notice about myself. When I'm in a relationship, I tend to revolve my life around that person. All my praying and trust in God goes out the window. No matter if the guy does have the same beliefs as me.
Probably why things don't work out.
And, my self esteem issues.

Thanks again, I actually feel like smiling.

December 7, 2006
11:19 am
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risingfromtheashes
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missfixit, revolving your life around a man is classic codependency at it's best.

It is like an addiction, it IS an addiction.

It takes the focus off of you and what you need to do to live life to the fullest. It's always easier "doing" for others...doing for ourselves...is so much harder...usually because we got trained as kids that we weren't worth the time and effort, so we don't think we should do for ourselves.

I really suggest those books...some kind of counseling, and even the coda meetings...I wish you the best...knowledge is power and you seem to have a good start on the issues.

December 11, 2006
7:20 pm
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missfixit
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Can you believe, D (name for my x), had the nerve to email me. and say he was blocking so I could not email back.

He wanted to let me know that he was thinking of me. And, even though we (we, he means he) are dating other people he misses me like fuk. and it sucks. He said " how he let me go, he'll never know".

What a jerk. Makes me feel better. But, I don't want him anymore.

December 11, 2006
9:17 pm
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The title of this thread:"If this is right, then why do I feel so bad?"

What a great name for a book!

I'm sure you probably already know all about what I am going to say. Just in case you don't I will share with you what I have learned through two excruciatingly painful relationship breakups in my past.

The thread title clearly indicates a contradiction between what you think and what you feel.

Our cognitive abilities endow us with the power to 'think' and to reason.

Our emotions are what ensured our survival throughout the evolutionary development process in the past. We inherited this survival 'tool' from our forebears. With our frontal lobes, we 'feel' our emotional arousal states when they arise to a level that demands conscious responses from our cognitive abilities.

Why is there conflict between how you think and how you feel?

This is a very interesting and relevant question. If there was a live, man eating tiger in front of you, there would be little conflict between your thoughts and your feelings. If a card board cut-out tiger momentarily produced an emotional response, then your cognitions would have little trouble in settling down these emotions. If they did have trouble then you would be diagnosed as having an emotional disorder requiring attention.

Little children with emotionally abusive mothers still crave to be with their mothers. Yet, in the short term at least, they seem to suffer terribly none the less either with or without their mothers.

With abstinence from their abusive mothers in combination with loving foster carers, the child can soon live a fairly normal life. But those early years of poor parenting usually leave an indelible mark in the form of painful emotional memories just waiting to be triggered off into emotional recall.

Emotional memories are not the same thing as memories of emotional experiences. This point is both highly important and not always so obvious.

We who have been emotionally deprived in childhood often grow up with a inordinate hunger for love, attention and support that has a desperate need to be satisfied. We crave 'nurture' disguised as romantic love from Mr. or Ms. Right.

However, sadly Mr. of Ms. Right is often a replica to some degree of our our emotionally unavailable or abusive parent(s). This is no coincidence - we set ourselves up for this unknowingly. Thus we re-enact, in some form or another, our childhood drama and suffer, sometimes terribly.

Learning about how to nurture ourselves as a thoughtful, loving parent would, rather than emotionally abandoning ourselves to seeking that same nurture from an emotionally abusive bf or gf, is one way to meet our emotional needs in a much more reliable and far less painful way.

However, I had to learn to trust myself to parent myself well before my self-nurture was satisfying enough to appease my emotional needs.

Abandoning my emotional self to the clutches of these emotionally abusive people was certainly not the way to win my trust in this regard!

I learned to see that these emotionally abusive people were not necessarily inherently bad people. The two 'ladies' to whom I was addicted carried very heavy emotional baggage themselves. Both had horrible childhood experiences and both were operating on highly dysfunctional emotional and cognitive 'autopilots'.

In both cases I came to see myself analogously as 'nitrogen' a relative harmless substance. And both of my ex's analogously as relatively harmless 'glycerin'. However, putting the two together produces nitroglycerin - a highly explosive mixture.

Your ex is obviously suffering too. Otherwise he would not have emailed you as he did. But does this mean that you should go running back to him for more of the same old, same old? He's probably not such a bad guy - just highly emotionally 'disadvantaged'.

Please remember:

NITROGEN + GLYCERIN = NITROGLYCERIN!

I don't know much about CODA, never tried it. I beat my addiction to my ex's the hard way. CODA might be a good place to seek help - an easier softer way.

<<<>>>. <-- I rarely do that, but I think that I have an inkling of what you might be going through.

December 12, 2006
12:22 am
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missfixit
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Tez,
When you say he is: highly, emotionally "disadvantaged".

Are you referring to him or me? Or both?

I know he isn't a bad guy. Just a liar and a cheat.

December 12, 2006
9:08 am
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risingfromtheashes
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missfixit - if liar and a cheat doesn't make him a bad guy, what does? does one have to be a mass murder to be a bad guy???????

sorry, just seems like you are defending someone that doesn't deserve defending.

As for his email - it's "crazymaking" or a "mind f*ck" if you ask me.

he's playing games with your head, your heart and your emotions.

he WANTS you to contact him...so he baited the hook and went fishing, hoping to get a reaction from you.

he wants you to "bite"...wants you to protest his "block" on you.

Don't bite...remember - SILENCE.

He won't block you. And he'll likely email you more times, trying to bait you more.

Remember - SILENCE.

and work on your definition of "bad guy".

December 12, 2006
1:01 pm
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missfixit
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Rising... I was being sarcastic. I know what he is about. It is his way of keeping me going. He likes the attention.

I think I was defending myself, more. Seemed like Tez was telling me that D was ok, cause he was emotionally unstable and so was I.
And it wasn't his fault for being who he is.

But if one knows they can't be faithful, then the decent thing to do, would be to let the other person know. Not lie, just to hold onto them. He wanted me to believe that the reason he kept looking for other women was because I was too insecure.

It is my fault for letting it drag on for as long as I did. I was hoping it would get better. But, I know now that it was never going to.

December 12, 2006
4:14 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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sorry, missed the sarcasm...lol.

I think that tez does have a point.

It's hard to understand the point, but it's true.

You see, your ex is ok...meaning, if he wants to be unstable, let him be unstable...if that's his choice, then so be it. If he's a liar and a cheat, then so be it...that's ok.

What you then have to decide if it's okay for this liar, cheat and unstable person to be part of your life.

And if that's NOT ok, then that's where your power lies in your decision.

See, I was hell bent on changing my ex...what a loser he was...I should change him and save the world from his evil and gain me a good boyfriend...NOT.

He is what he is. A liar and a cheat. And that's ok. Somewhere out there, he found a GF who was perfect for him. Someone who doesn't care what he does. Perhaps she'll get hurt too, perhaps she's just like him.

Personally, they look like two peas in a pod, made for eachother.

Not to say I think they are GOOD people...but they are out of my life, so, who am I to judge or CARE?

It's ok that he is a liar, cheat, con, whatever...AS LONG AS it's not on my time, with my emotions, with my heart.

And changing him or saving the world from him is NOT my job.

So, I think that's what makes it easier on me...knowing that if he wants to be a fuckup, that's ok...there ain't a damn thing I can do about it EXCEPT keep him away from me, my heart and my mind.

Nobody is perfect, we all have our faults...the best we can do is find someone that is compatible with our faults...who loves us the way we are, and who we can love AS THEY ARE, without compromise or change.

You made some bad mistakes...but these were also lessons - and lessons are valuable...so see it as a good thing...yeah, we all make mistakes, but if you turn it into something good, then you don't feel so crappy about making them.

Next time, you will know that a liar and a cheat does not belong in your life and the first time it happens, he's got to go...plus you will be more aware of the warning signs...that's invaluable, I think.

December 12, 2006
4:28 pm
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missfixit
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Rising,

I agree with everything you said.

Thanks

December 12, 2006
7:23 pm
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missfixit

On the 12-Dec-06 you asked:

"Tez, When you say he is: highly, emotionally "disadvantaged".

Are you referring to him or me? Or both?"

I was referring only to him. I would have preferred to use the words "emotionally 'fucked up'" instead of "emotionally disadvantaged" but I thought that kind of language was inappropriate.

In your response to Rising you said:

" I think I was defending myself, more. Seemed like Tez was telling me that D was ok, cause he was emotionally unstable and so was I. And it wasn't his fault for being who he is."

Defending yourself? Why did you imagine that I was attacking you? I was trying to help.

What I was doing was trying to soften your feelings towards an emotionally dysfunctional guy. Had I been successful, it might have lessened your suffering somewhat. I was not at any stage suggesting that you should go back to him - in fact the opposite.

In order to get over this traumatic experience quickly, forgiving him is in your own best interests, IMHO. Understanding why he is like he is can also help tremendously in this regard. That was exactly what my intention was in writing my post to you.

If you are doing this and I'm not at all sure that you are, protecting yourself and strengthening your resolve to keep away from him by 'blaming' him for not addressing his obvious and major character flaws is not a good idea at all, IMHO.

BTW, I fully understand why you are a little predisposed towards 'seeing' criticism where no such criticism was intended. I remember very well how I felt for a long while after both of my very painful breakups. It took me 10 years to fully recover from the first relationship. It took only a couple of months to recover after the second relationship failed. The difference was due to the work that I had done on myself since the first toxic relationship, not the nature of the second relationship. Incidentally I broke it off in both relationships.

RisingFromThe Ashes clarified my post very well indeed.

Thanks Rising.

December 12, 2006
8:53 pm
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missfixit
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Tez,

Thank you for clarifying that.

I misunderstood you. I indeed thought you were saying that we were both messed up and that was the only reason our relationship did not work out.

I am sorry for the misunderstanding.

I do want to forgive him. At times, I do. Then I think of what he put me through and how it could have been avoided, had he only been honest with me. But, trying to get my point acrossed to him, and pointing out his flaws, only pushed him away more. I wanted him to understand how he was treating me and how I felt. And, that it wasn't acceptable behavior.

I know now, that this approach does not work. He said that all I did was point out the negatives and never the possitives. And that I was abnormal for acting that way. For being insecure about our relationship. Although, I believe that I must have seen something possitve in him, otherwise why would I have kept trying to save what I thought we had?

I don't think I am making any sense.

You did help me. Please don't think otherwise. Some of your wording is hard for me to understand. However, after reading it 3 0r 4 times, I think I got it.
I spoke to my sister today, and she did point out that I set my expectations of him way too high. And that he was incapable of fullfilling them. Not even one.
He only thought of himself and did not once care about me and what I may be going through.

I know this is going to take some time.

Thank you both. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I truly am.

December 13, 2006
6:01 pm
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missfixit.

No need to apologize - no offense taken in the first place.

You said:

"I don't think I am making any sense."

I think that you are making perfect sense to me.

You said:

"He said that all I did was point out the negatives and never the possitives. And that I was abnormal for acting that way. For being insecure about our relationship. Although, I believe that I must have seen something possitve in him, otherwise why would I have kept trying to save what I thought we had?"

In the interests of your own journey of self-discovery, I think that you have asked yourself a very important question here.

What were these positives in him that you saw? What do you think you have 'lost' that makes you "feel so bad"?

December 13, 2006
8:52 pm
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Tez,

I think I remember the times he treated me good. Which was rarely.
In the beginning, you know, the undivided attention one gives. The getting to know each other period, where you find out how the other person feels about life. How they treated their ex's and how they broke things off.
He said all the right things. Made all the right moves.
He was a bit of a flirt. Ha, a huge flirt. And I was very leary of that. I kept telling him I did not want to fall for him, cause I was afraid of betrayal. (my expectation from my past)
This is the main thing I need to work on. Trust. And, not to bring past relationships into new ones.

He was also very good looking, which he kept reminding me. I remember telling him how looks can only go so far, and that his personality was what was important. I can't believe I gave him advice on how to meet other people.
As I think back, we spent more time apart, than together. His main way of communicating would be via text. A form of communication I will never do again. We would argue via text. He used some awful words toward me when he was angry and didn't get his way. Some words I had promised myself previously, that I would not tolerate.
When we finally did get back together, we never discussed it. He just acted like nothing had happened.
Of course, he was on a hiates while I was suffering.
Come to find out, after months went on; the stories he told regarding his ex's and his past, were untrue. He fessed up that he cheated on all of them first. Before, he said he had cheated after they did.
I remember when he had told the truth, he had no remorse. Just like the day he was emailing these other women, right there in front of me.
Telling me how great he was and how much all of these other women wanted him.
And, then saying "I love you".
I stopped saying it back. Were just words at that point.
I liked his persistence. It almost became a game. I liked the attention, when he kept begging me back. And, then when he stopped, I would give in and run back. I did not want to let him go. Was worried he would meet someone else.
He would make excuses to not be together. His job problems (10 in a year). Work was too hard. His parents were gone. His kids were far away.
The second to last time I went back, we hadn't been together in two weeks, and I wasn't gonna go back. But, I wanted him to go to a party with me, so I went back.
I got there and after about thirty minutes, he tells me he almost went on a date, but he backed out. Wasn't I proud of him. He wanted me instead. (the next day it was because he didn't want to do the convo thing with her). Of course, I got upset. And all he could say was. "Don't start your sh_t, I haven't gotten laid in two weeks." And, like a dumb butt, I stayed.
Stayed like a zombie for two days. not talking, just sitting, watching him watch football. I was stuck.
In two days, I went home and called him. He avoided my calls. Then said he was sick and did not want any company. To come by the next day.
I did, of course. When I got there, he said "why are you here?"
His messenger popping up with women. He said he didn't know why. But checked them anyway. I got upset. He said to just leave. (he loved doing that). And that I needed to grow up. I walked out and told him I did not want to see him again.

Sorry for all this. I needed to get that out of me.

All in all, I would say all the possitives were there only when he wanted me around. He did say once or twice that I could do better than him.
I believe he was right. I should have thanked him for finally letting me go.
I miss him. I miss his hugs. And I miss when he was nice to me. One day on, the next day off.

It's really not enough, is it?
All his possitives were possibly fake.

December 13, 2006
8:56 pm
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Sorry for the run on's. I thought I separated everything.

December 14, 2006
8:26 am
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missfixit.

OMG, I could have written the post myself...you sure you didn't date my ex?????

you said - I know now, that this approach does not work. He said that all I did was point out the negatives and never the possitives. And that I was abnormal for acting that way. For being insecure about our relationship. Although, I believe that I must have seen something possitve in him, otherwise why would I have kept trying to save what I thought we had?

.....my ex used to SWEAR that I was negative nellie and he couldn't do anything right and that it was my fault things were failing cuz I couldn't see the good stuff.

THERE WAS NO GOOD STUFF.

Sure, maybe in the VERY beginning (first month?) there was ....but after that, it was all a damn struggle.

And yet, there MUST have been something good there, otherwise, why did I stay?????

well, like you, I stayed cuz I THOUGHT it COULD be better.

And I kept pushing for better.

Our standards AREN'T too high (tho my ex would tell you otherwise)...it was just too high FOR HIM. There was no way in hell he could reach that goal.

My ex also liked the attention from other women (myspace was proof enough) and had "friends" calling him all the time and emailing and texting him...he said it was my insecurity that was keeping us apart....but he CHEATED ON ME...he had passwords on everything...said I should respect his privacy...HE CHEATED ON ME...and lied all the time...he also blamed work and finances as reasons for pulling away and staying away...he could find an excuse for anything.

All I can tell you is that TIME will heal...I am six months (wait, no EIGHT) months out of this and it's better....still have some days of looking back and hurting...but overall know I did the right thing for me.

He's a fucked up mess...and he found a new girl...either she'll see him for what he is and end the same way, OR, she's as fucked up as he, and a perfect match.

Doesn't much matter...I have my sanity back and that's all I care about.

December 14, 2006
10:40 am
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Wow Rising,

we did date the same guy.

He sent me another e-mail last night. I don't even want to read it.

I'm sure he will say how much he misses me and how much he still cares.

Or the opposite, how much he loves hanging with his new gf. He likes rubbing that in my face, too. Boosts that big ego of his.

I'm doing better, I think. During the day it is easier to wipe him out of my mind. Just tell myself to stop and let it go.

But, at night. I keep having dreams about him. I wake up around 4:30 and think about him. Then today I get up, and there he is, on my e-mail.

And, the sad part is. I secretly want him to write. All the while afraid of what he will say. Cause then he's back in my head, again.
I want him to still care, so I know he knows he made a mistake, and can suffer from it.

But, he will never admit he did anything wrong. "I didn't do anything!!!"

Did I mention, a month ago, I quit my job for this guy. Well, it was kind of a combined effort. I hated it anyway.
Long story, but he told me I would be taken care of and no worries, until I found something better. I was having stomach pains and being harrassed every day by two supervisors.

Of course, he lied. Every time he gave me a dime, I would be reminded of how much he helped me and how much of a mooch I was.
Even though he had a gambling problem and I gave him half my paycheck, every other week, with a promise to pay me back, each time.
He spendn't $150,000 of his Dad's inheritance in one year. Sad, isn't it?

The good thing is. I am out of that job and can now change my field, and find something better.

I don't know how many times he asked me to get married or move in. Then within a day, he was kicking me out. I am so grateful, I never moved in.

I was on meds right before I met him, and I was seeing a counselor. When she found out I met d. She told me it was not going to work out. Of course, instead of listening, I stopped seeing her.

What did she know?? lol

During our relationship, I switched to the psychiatrist who prescribed my meds. He was ok. Why do they just sit there???

Anyway, I told him I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Between d, work and my mom's health, at the time. She's better now.

So, he up-ed my meds for me.

I don't know if this was a good thing or not.

I was still depressed. And work still sucked. (nothing would change that)
But, I think with d, I was able to allow myself to put up with him and his antics, because I wasn't emotional all the time. I still was suspicious of course.

And, he knew. So, every time I did or said something, he referred back to my "happy pills". I love how they turn on you like that.

I quit my meds last month, "cold turkey" and all the emotions were back. But, I also could see more clearly.

I realized I was just going through the motions of letting him run my life. Letting him decide who I was going to be to him. And, I lost myself in there, somewhere.
And the meds were numbing me and keeping me from facing the inevitable.

However, I do think that if my
psychiatrist had spendn't more time with me in therapy (instead of medicating me more), I might have been better off. I would have been able to see more clearly, the problems with d.

I have never really had a good therapist. Most just sit there. And, you talk. How does this help?

I have gotten more out of this site than I ever did with any of them.

And, for that I am grateful.

I am better. I don't cry so much anymore. (Except, now that I mention it). I think I am moving on to the hate stage.

I know, (as Tez has mentioned). I need to forgive d, in order to move on. I will soon. I am so angry with him for ruining our friendship (I try to remain friends with my ex's).

But, "I need to lead my own life and not be his best friend."

Got that from the movie "The Holiday". Boy, they wrote that movie for us.

Thanks for listening. Got a job interview today. Going to do the temp thing for awhile. This way I decide if I want to stay or not.

Have a great day.

December 14, 2006
5:59 pm
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Missfixit and Risingfromtheashes.

"If this is right, then why do I feel so bad?"

I would like to highlight the title of this thread. It contains a powerful question that if thoroughly followed down into the psyche can provide both the answer to this question and a solution.

This is a painful, arduous 'journey' inwards, not often undertaken by the fainthearted. It is often avoided by many at all costs. The price of failing to take this journey is one being doomed to repeat the same old over and over in relationship after relationship until the opposite sex is seen as scorpions to avoid at all costs. Miserable old bachelors and spinsters who avoided this journey and are now living alone in their advancing years are testimony to this outcome. One of my sisters is sadly a classic example of this unfortunate outcome of this 'inner journey' avoidance plus several toxic relationships in succession.

The above is not implying that I see these ex's in both your lives are anything other than 'sick fucks'. But the fact is that neither you girls nor the 'mere male' that I am, could dismiss our toxic partners without great pain and suffering. We even unquestioningly believe this pain to be evidence of the depth of our 'love' for these people! Am I right in this statement?

But what is the nature of our so-called 'love' that we felt for these people????

Pain, pain and more pain??? Yet we went(go) back time and time again for more of the same, living in the crazy hope that next time will be different??????

Yet we went(still go) over and over in our heads re-enacting all the painful dramas trying to see how we could have done things differently to make our 'sick fucks' well in order to make our relationships 'work'.

It's like a person who keeps hitting him/her-self in the head with a hammer hoping desperately that next time the hit won't hurt. Then the hammer is put down only to be picked up again after the head recovers enough to start again.

After my two major toxicities, I'd had enough. I learned that the intense emotional pain was a signpost pointing inwards to an emotional 'hammer' and the psychological 'hand' that was wielding it. My raw emotional states were naught but symptoms of what was really causing my emotional pain. It was pointing to the driving force that would guarantee my finding one Ms. Wrong after another.

It is my belief that, unless people like us are already taking that 'inner journey', they are highly likely unconsciously and unknowingly seek out other Mr and Ms. Wrongs discarding many Mr. and Ms. Rights on the way because of a lack of interest in them for one reason or another.

PS:

As I see it, neither suggesting "emotional instability" nor my sitting in any sort of righteous judgment on the behavior of others, enters into this mindset of mine. Equally 'ego trips' are 'not on' for me.

Please feel free to totally ignore this post if you choose to do so. Further, in both your cases, I sincerely hope that I am totally wrong in my believing that your psyches are similar in many ways to mine.

I am purely on about the avoidance of suffering in my life and that of others - thus my interest in this thread title. If my life experiences can be of any 'teensie-weensie' help whatsoever, then so be it. If not then all the very best in both your lives.

December 14, 2006
7:53 pm
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Tez,

I hope you are someone's Mr Right.

December 15, 2006
12:41 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Tez - I think you hit the nail on the head...so to speak...I did feel like I was pounding my head against a nail all the time...hoping for a different outcome...we all know how that works.

I decided to stop the insanity...and work on me.

Whether I am fixed or not, time will tell...but I know that this relationship, as bumpy as it is now, is FAR from the drama and chaos of my previous ones. So, I think I am making progress.

December 15, 2006
12:53 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Now Missfixit...I swear I have found yet another twin....

I'm sure he will say how much he misses me and how much he still cares.

Or the opposite, how much he loves hanging with his new gf. He likes rubbing that in my face, too. Boosts that big ego of his.

*******he probably said whatever he thought necessary to get under your skin. My ex did the same, one minute he was crying about loving me, another he was saying what an insane bitch I am and how he's happy he left me and went to her.

But, at night. I keep having dreams about him. I wake up around 4:30 and think about him. Then today I get up, and there he is, on my e-mail.

***********I also find myself waking at 4:30 many mornings.

And, the sad part is. I secretly want him to write. All the while afraid of what he will say. Cause then he's back in my head, again. I want him to still care, so I know he knows he made a mistake, and can suffer from it.

************oh boy do I know this feeling....I found myself leaving the door open a crack all the time, leaving him room to "wiggle in"...and of course, he DID...I wanted him to care, profess his love and come running back, fufilling all the promises he failed to keep previously. I wanted him to admit he fucked up and mean it when he said he'd fix it. And if he wouldn't do that, I wanted to know he was suffering with his choices and hurting...that life wasn't being nice to him.

But, he will never admit he did anything wrong. "I didn't do anything!!!"

************mine was famous for saying he didn't do anything wrong and I was just blowing things out of proportion or making something out of nothing.

Did I mention, a month ago, I quit my job for this guy. Well, it was kind of a combined effort. I hated it anyway. Long story, but he told me I would be taken care of and no worries, until I found something better. I was having stomach pains and being harrassed every day by two supervisors.

*************mine agreed to finance a car in my name, and pay me for it...lasted a month. THEN, nine months later, asked me to give him deposit for a truck and it would help him get home every night and be there for me...and he'd pay me back. Well, he cheated on me two weeks later. This after telling me he was ring shopping.

Of course, he lied. Every time he gave me a dime, I would be reminded of how much he helped me and how much of a mooch I was. Even though he had a gambling problem and I gave him half my paycheck, every other week, with a promise to pay me back, each time. He spendn't $150,000 of his Dad's inheritance in one year. Sad, isn't it?

***************mine never supported me...and when I asked for money he owed me for stuff, he always tried telling me how much he already gave me, which was always bullshit.

I don't know how many times he asked me to get married or move in. Then within a day, he was kicking me out. I am so grateful, I never moved in.

*****************mine asked me to marry him two weeks into it...I said yes....he wasn't even divorced yet...and he said he wanted to move in and took 18 months to make the move...and was miserable about it the whole time, dragging his feet...and then miserable once he got there.

I was on meds right before I met him, and I was seeing a counselor. When she found out I met d. She told me it was not going to work out. Of course, instead of listening, I stopped seeing her.

************my counselor told me that she bet a whole year wages on the fact that this would turn out ugly and be a train wreck from hell in six months...I stopped seeing her too. Should have listened. He used my counseling and meds against me, making me feel inferior and that it was my fault cuz I was the crazy one.

During our relationship, I switched to the psychiatrist who prescribed my meds. He was ok. Why do they just sit there???

************don't know, but I wasted my fair share of money.

Anyway, I told him I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Between d, work and my mom's health, at the time. She's better now.

So, he up-ed my meds for me.

I don't know if this was a good thing or not.

***********probably not...being "numb" is never good.

I was still depressed. And work still sucked. (nothing would change that) But, I think with d, I was able to allow myself to put up with him and his antics, because I wasn't emotional all the time. I still was suspicious of course.

And, he knew. So, every time I did or said something, he referred back to my "happy pills". I love how they turn on you like that. I quit my meds last month, "cold turkey" and all the emotions were back. But, I also could see more clearly.

*****************OMG!!!!!!!!!!! my ex used to say "did you take your meds today????"....or "you should see the doc about upping your meds"...OMG they are something else I tell ya.

I realized I was just going through the motions of letting him run my life. Letting him decide who I was going to be to him. And, I lost myself in there, somewhere. And the meds were numbing me and keeping me from facing the inevitable.

However, I do think that if my psychiatrist had spendn't more time with me in therapy (instead of medicating me more), I might have been better off. I would have been able to see more clearly, the problems with d.

*************nah, you would have gone to find another therapist....you wouldn't have listened until you were ready to hear it.

I have gotten more out of this site than I ever did with any of them.

And, for that I am grateful.

************ME TOO!!!!

I am better. I don't cry so much anymore. (Except, now that I mention it). I think I am moving on to the hate stage.

***********this too shall pass.

I know, (as Tez has mentioned). I need to forgive d, in order to move on. I will soon. I am so angry with him for ruining our friendship (I try to remain friends with my ex's).

**************me too, but sometimes it's just not worth it.

Thanks for listening. Got a job interview today. Going to do the temp thing for awhile. This way I decide if I want to stay or not.

************good luck with it.

As I said, we are twins...once I got my head on straight, I moved 300 miles from home and started fresh...new job, new home, and yup, new boyfriend.

Can't say it's going perfectly, but it's okay for now...fairly drama free and chaos free. he's dependable and loyal and trusthworthy...but lacking in the "romance" area....and now he's driving truck full time, so only home one day a week if lucky.

So, struggling, but feeling better about it.

December 17, 2006
7:23 pm
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missfixit

"I hope you are someone's Mr Right."

Thank you for that very kind thought.

My present partner thinks that I am - the poor deluded girl. She's a saint. 🙂

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