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Identifying our feelings
March 24, 2006
4:00 pm
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__Kathy, 20 years of meetings wow, you've worked very hard. I'll read that again. I hope to work as hard and even harder.

I didnt ask about what your problems were to begin with. How was your parenting? Wht effects did it have on you? How is your life now and how is it different from what you would have been if you hadnt healed?

March 27, 2006
1:09 pm
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kathygy
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guest,

My emotional problems began when I was living with my ex-husband. I was about 22 at the time. I started feeling paranoid that people were following me or tracking my where abouts.

I also was obbessed with the notion that I had a brain tumor and went to one doctor after another never believing that I did not have a brain tumor. I thought it was just too small to be recognized but in time would grow and I would die.

Finally, one doctor told me to see a psychiatrist which I did.

He wanted top put me on medication but I was terrified that I would start having flashbacks from my LSD use in college.

He managed to talk me into taking some anti-anxiety medication.

When I got married that's when the depression started. I was still paranoid about being followed but now also very depressed.

After I left my marriage I started seeing a man that was involved with Lifespring and he felt it would help me a lot.

So I got involved with Lifespring.

Before I had any personal growth I was very manipulative about my feelings. I knew nothing about my right to ask directly for my needs or to express my feelings directly.

I also would get 'small' (act helpless and lost) when I had a problem so that someone would come along and rescue me or help me.

In Lifespring they told me that my legs were too short to be 30 years old, meaning I was acting like a little girl that was lost.

Pre-personal growth I acted out family scripts I had learned in childhood rather than having genuine feelings in the moment.

I knew nothing about taking personal responsibility until Lifespring.

I am completely different today after all the hard work I've done over the years.

As a child I was my father's little princess and the cutest and sweetest thing in the world to him. I was his absolute favorite child and he adored me.

The problem was he became an alcoholic and would have rage fits. So that I could not always count on his love and adoration.

It could be there one minute and gone the next.

I spent my childhood trying to anticipate every need of my father to keep him calm and happy. Of course this is very hard to do and when I was wrong he got very angry at me. I became his scapegoat for many things. Yet, he would always come back to me and shower me with love and adoration.

He would also get very distracted from me by his need to drink more and more. I became his caretaker. He would say I was the only one in the family that loved him and understood him. A lot to put on a child.

Meanwhile, my mother was very hurt and cried a lot and was depressed a lot because of my father's drinking.

So I tried to comfort her and soothe her pain. She was not always available to me because of her distress about my father.

They often had huge truama/drama fights and my mother would get hysterical and my father rageful.

I would try to step in between the two of them and try to resolve the conflict.

Thus all of my attention was focused outward on to my parents. I felt there was no room for my feelings and needs. I supressed my terror and fear and anger.

As an adult I became hypervigulent and very fearful.

I did everthing I could do to get my father's love back on me. That meant being cute and sweet. I grew up thinking that all I had to offer men was my looks and my body.

During all the truama/drama my older brother critized me relentlessly and invaldiated my feelings as wrong and bad. He tried very hard to control me and I became his scapegoat.

Given that he could not control my father's drinking and the truama/drama.

I married my husband in part because he made me feel safe and he was very good at reassuring me given the constant feeling that something bad was about to happen to me.

After I left him I feel in love with men that reminded me of my father. They were the come-here-go away types. Flooding me with love and romance and then withdrawing and then seducing me back with more romance yet never committing completely to me.

I am different today regarding men. I stay away from unavailable men and have a very high standard for how I am treated by a man.

My self-esteem has gone way up. I used to be afraid of being alone but now enjoy my own company very much.

I don't need a man to feel whole and complete or worthwhile.

I feel whole and complete just the way I am. I love and accept myself.

My relationhsips are very healthy, loving and nurturing.

I feel more and more solid in who I am and give myself lots of support and backing.

I take responsiblity for my part in relationships with men and women.

I feel more at peace than I ever have in my life.

love,
kathy

March 27, 2006
1:57 pm
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That was wonderful, thanks Kathy.

March 27, 2006
3:17 pm
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kathy, the same website also has a list of needs, very nice: http://www.cnvc.org/needs.htm

I wish I was sensitive to all my needs. These are really new skills that I have to learn. I wish they taught these to us in schools. How sad, we get stuck with useless education when the real education is that which keeps our mental health up. We need the normal education too, but we also need these skills to live life.

March 27, 2006
3:34 pm
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kathygy
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guest,

Interestingly, the two needs that jumped out at me are play and spontaneity.

I tend to forget about my need for play by being so focused on my other needs. That is one thing I need more of in my life.

I never thought of spontaneity as a need but it sure feels great.

My brother used to constantly tell me to think before I talk in a very critical voice. By high school it came to the point that I said barely nothing except to my best friends.

There went my spontaneity out the window.

But I find that its coming back more and more and I love the feeling.

March 27, 2006
4:01 pm
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I wish I was more spontaneous too, and importantly, more courageous. I'm amazed you seem to have all the other needs fulfilled, thats amazing. I wish I was like that. I wish I could enjoy my time all the time (today am having some tough moments).

Tomorrow I'll call a group of counselors to see if any of them is skilled in inner child healing and abusive parenting, so i'll work with them.

March 29, 2006
1:04 pm
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guest,

I am not saying I have all of the other needs met all of the time.

But I do know how to get my needs met and where to go to get them met. For example, I know that my best friend and other close friends fulfill many of my needs.

I also, fulfill my needs for my inner child the best I can. That most important thing to her is that I care and I am listening and validating her.

I look forward to hearing more about your experience with therapy and inner child healing.

March 29, 2006
3:14 pm
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thanks kathy. I called the counselors today to ask if any of them deals with inner child healing. They'll call me later. I'm also seeing Bradshaw's videos. We're seeing part 3 today, 7 more to go.

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