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I think my friend is molesting his own daughter
March 13, 2003
10:59 am
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Idont know what to do. A really good friend of mine has custody of his 14 year old daughter(for about 2 years now)and when I went to pick her up the other night I overheard her say you just want me to stay here so you can feel on me.And my heart just sank because Ive known this guy since hs and I know that he and all of his bros were sexually abused by an older cousin.She did confide in me and she said no intercourse has ever taken place but she says she is constantly telling him she doesn tlike it when he does certain things.Her mother is nowhere to be found.what can I do?

March 13, 2003
11:12 am
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Hi Kirty,
Welcome and Hugs.
Horrible situation for this 14 year old.
You say that you are friends with her father. Then Have a heart to heart and tell him he needs help.
I would have his daughter at my home if you are able, while you talk to him. That way she would be safe momentarily from immediate reprecussions.

Most men will deny that they are doing this.....
Don't accept his denial. Tell him you will report him if he doesn't stop inappropriate touching his daughter and making her uncomfortable.
This is non-negoitable.
As long as his daughter feels uncomfortable...it is a violation of her boundaries.

I had a neice that went through this, and I told her I would try to contact her biological father....did...and she went to live with her father and got out of this miserable situation with her step-father. I wasn't popular with her mother or step-father but I don't care. No one should be abused.

I understand that her mother is not around. Are you willing to take her under your roof? Would you be comfortable being her guardian.

You are in a difficult situation...but to do nothing would be a grave injustice to this innocent 14 year old.
Hugs and Best Wishes.

March 13, 2003
2:30 pm
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a majority of the time she is at my house and she dreads going home. I did speak to him about the matter and he does denys the whole thing.He says that she really hurt him by saying that.I just told him to be careful because he knows first hand about abuse and how that really hurt him and not to make the same mistakes someone else has made.I told him to go to the library,go on line,go to a counselor that can help him. He still denies he ehas done anything wrong.But I did warn him that if she came to me again, I was going to make sure he got help one way or another.I really appreciate your reply because I know what to do in my heart,I just needed confirmation.

March 13, 2003
6:00 pm
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hello, kirty.

forget the denials, do not 'warn' him or 'give him an ultimatum. Call the department of children's service, human services, child welfare (whatever the name is in your state) immediately.

these agencies will not require you to give your name and they will investigate.

i know this guy is your friend for a long time, a neighbor, and the child could wind-up angry with you. but without major repercussions this character is not going to change his behavior.

make that call, right now and stop this abuse.

March 14, 2003
6:57 am
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hi kirty
trust me you need to get her out of that house, i.ve been there with my step dad and its horriable, i guess she hides it away makes out she ok, but deep down she isnt its a happy mask, hideing a girl of 14 who scared, and feels alone, shes needs help, even if she says no , still do it, if she doesnt get help and your friend carrys on with out you knowing the girl will feel worste and worste, it kills you in side its like there this thing thats killing you but you dont want to upset things she needs your help even if your friends say he has stopped, he probly hasnt as things always return no matter how many times they promise,it wont happen again,that excuse, please phone someone and get her help, other wise it will eat her and things will get worse, trust me if things get worste for her she will feel horrriable the things that are going through her head right now, will be hard for her, as when it happens you think your the only one, and your scared so much, please get her help before its to late, i can still see remember and feel the pain, of when it happen to me, i was around the same age,it happen to for 8 years on and off and still now at 17, it hurts even with him not around
sending you, plase call.
(((((hope, hugs)))))))
how are you doing, is the girl stlll with you?

March 14, 2003
10:19 am
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Good Morning Kirty,
I am so glad that you posted....
Denial ....a way of coping.
You did great by talking to him about it. His denial waves the warning flag again. He is not willing to get out of the denial.

If his daughter spends so much time with you already and dreads going home are you willing to take the next step?

She might not dare come to you again, because her life only got worse because she shared with you and it only upset her father. Children aren't stupid. They do everything they can to keep themselves safe. They numb themselves to endure their injustices for the sake of survival.

You sound like a very loving person.
Share your love for your friend and his daughter. Help stop this abuse.
Like the others who have shared with you, Listen....

If your gut tells you to call....call and care for her while the father is forced into helping himself get out of his denial.

My daughter felt uncomfortable with her father....she shared it with me...and I took action. Taking action never makes us popular with the perpetrator but then again....Why should we care if they are hurting someone with their sickness....Care enough to not get caught in their denial. You know that he has been abused himself....and statistics say that abused people can become abusers.

Hugs to YOu and strength to you in dealing with this situation.

March 14, 2003
10:55 am
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I am so glad I found this website.I did take the girl to he rgrandmothers house and she has told me that she exspressed her feelings to her as well . I am willing to care for her she is my God daughter and I dont take that lightly.I am tearing up as we speak. No child should live in fear.She has so much street sense and she told me if she had to she would kick and run.Its bad when a child has to defend themselves against a grown-up.At this point he is scared because I can hear it in his voice,he is on the defense.If there was a group meeting I could direct him to as far as his abuse.that would help.i want to help everyone.if i can

March 14, 2003
12:25 pm
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Kirty,
Hugs to You!

They are so lucky to have YOU.

I am so relieved with your intervention. You did Great!!!

Is the grandmother...his mother?

If he is still in denial and defensive, How do you think you can help your friend, other than telling him that if is daughter is uncomfortable with his touching....she has a right to her privacy with her own body. He has to be made to understand that her feelings are real.

March 14, 2003
12:27 pm
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Kirty,
Can I suggest you ask for support on the general thread...it might attract more support and suggestions from people with more experience than I about sexual abuse issues.

March 14, 2003
1:05 pm
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I was abused as a child to and you did the best thing. He has to work on his past abuse issues before he can go any further. My heart just melts and I still am dealing with my abuse issues from the past. Everything seemed so well in my life and still is but it changed when I had my daughter. Seeing my husband play with our child made very uneasy and would bring back terrible nightmares about my past abuse. It will affect her for a long time but at least somebody listened to her, it was a cry for help. I am so proud of you! We need more people like you in this world!

March 14, 2003
1:08 pm
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hi kitty
hag in there its gotta be hard for you to, thinking of you and your god daughter, it is hard, but your god daugher she sounds strong, as she spoke out to you as it happened, may be thats what i did wrong, as i didnt, i hide it away, look after your self, is your god daugter saying with her grandmother, it will be good for her to feel safe right now, she seems to be asking for help, i hope you understand what im saying, i agree no one child or aulte should live it fear, its hard, wipe your tears smile, speck to you later
boland.

March 14, 2003
6:31 pm
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Hello, Kirty.

mj's question about which grandmother is a good one. if your friend was abused growing up...well, was he believed and what did his mother or father do to help him? 'keeping it in the family' generally becomes a 'protective' thing which is almost never in the interest of the child, rather it becomes the interest of the adults to hide the abuse away and to 'protect the family.' this generally means that the child will receive indoctrination to try and make her 'believe' that nothing has occurred and that she 'wouldn't want something bad to happen to your father, would you.' same old scare tactics that i would suppose she has already heard from the dad. so his parents' home is possibly not the best place for her.

as for groups i don't believe that is the current issue. the 'success' rate with pedophiles is extremely poor for rehab.

the state child protective services are the people who should be called. the only way this will ever come clean is to open it to the light. once more, please call child protective services and make a report.

i am glad the friend sounds scared right now, but he will not remain scared. they never do. please call.

March 17, 2003
10:37 am
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Hi Kirty,
Just wanting you to know that I care and hope that everything is going better for you and your loved ones.
Please let me know how you are dealing with all of this!
Best wishes!

March 18, 2003
4:09 pm
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just want to say hi, and hope your doing ok, thinking of you and your daughter friend, hope things are going well with you both,

March 24, 2003
9:55 pm
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I see no change in him so I have notified the proper authorities.

March 25, 2003
1:20 pm
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kitty i been worry about you, havent heard from for a bit, you did the right thing, really you did, my hearts going out to you and your friends daughter hope things get better, no body shold have to go throught it, abuse its a hard one, really hard and it sticks with you for a long time, you did the right thing, how is your friends daughter doing and you doing,

March 25, 2003
4:59 pm
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Hi Kirty,
That took alot of courage on your part!

So are you feeling okay about it today?

Hugs to You....I am proud of you!

March 26, 2003
7:23 am
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hi kitty, hope things are going ok, ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

March 27, 2003
12:38 pm
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she is now liv ing with her grandmother and she wants to stay the summer with me if possible.i dint know.but i am open to it.she just needs love(the right kind)I am not the answer to her problems but I can help.As for him,we havent spoken since he made an advance on me and i got him straight and let him know that i really was a true freind and he needs some counseling before i speak to him ever again.he was abused by an older cousin as a child so he needs help before he ends up in jail.

March 27, 2003
1:17 pm
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Hi kirty,
Sorry to hear that he betrayed your friendship with inappropriate advances too.

Glad to hear that you helped to get your godchild out....with her grandma.

So, did you actually report him to family services?

March 27, 2003
4:41 pm
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kitty giving you a (((hug)))
you really did the right thing, hope your god daughter feels safe where she is, and is doing ok in her self, i agree your friend needs help, a lot of help, but will it stop him from doing it again? in the long run, i really wish you both the best of luck,you and your god daughter, with what comes out of this, i can imagen this is really hard for you, both, hope your hagging in there tho, thinking of you both wishing you luck and happeness for the further, you did the right thing hope you feel prode that your god daugther spoke out to you, things could of got a lot worste but you helped your god daughter and got her away. and safe.
i hope your friend can see what he has done, he isnt only loseing his daughter but a friend as well, do you think he can change? im not really sure, hugs to you both stay well and strong. thinking of you every day

April 2, 2003
9:42 pm
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Hi everyone. I read all the wonderful words of advice that you have given this woman and child. You know, there is a reason for everything I believe. This family, with all their issues at hand, had good enough insight to entrust you as the daughter's Godmother. You are really a tool from above and you were put there to protect her and care for her when she needed you. You have set him straight, been burned yourself by him, and now he must make the choice on his own to get help. And he can do it on his own because he is an adult and has the capability and resources to better himself if he so desires. Now think about focusing your energy on HER recovery. The summer with you would be the perfect opportunity for you to get her a really good counselor and hook her up with someone who specializes in this. It will make ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN HER WORLD to work through her pain and grow healthy despite her tragic past. And her abuse can be all in the past, if she is empowered and gets support from all around. Even if it costs $-get her to a therapist ASAP!

I was abused all my childhood years. I never told a soul. I married a man who had also been abused. We had three children that I worried about all the time. I still worry about them a lot. I am finally now seeking counseling for these issues in my past, and I see that because I stuffed the hurt and pain away for nearly 30 years, I now have to heal that much more-you see, if someone had been in my life to help me then, maybe I could've healed earlier in my life and saved myself years of addiction, depression, and misery. What does everyone think about letting her actually read the thread? I say if she is mature enough, I would...only because she needs to know that there are adults out there she can still trust. Thanks for listening. And thanks to the Creator for bringing you to her and to the thread...take care everyone

April 3, 2003
11:26 am
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some good points whowha, abuse is hard and never leaves you, it hasnt me, may be overs is does, sorry you went throught it to, sounds like your doing ok tho,
letting her read the tread is a good idea i quess im not to sure, but she does need to know not all peolple are the same, kitty hope you and your goddaughter are doing well im thinking of you, ((((((hugs))))) hope things are going better for you both.

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