Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I think I know why D ran away.
April 1, 2005
7:51 am
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twimks,

What are you saying here?
I am concerned here for both of you.

Sew

April 1, 2005
11:35 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ah, Twinks

Let me share with you what I have come to call "WD's First Law of Psychology:"

You can't ever really tell what a person is thinking.

That is why communication is so important. Because people have imaginations. And we have emotions. And sometimes we let our imaginations run away with us. We naturally try to create models inside our heads about what is going on in someone else's head. But if we do not use communication for reality checking we are likely to construct models that are incorrect.

If you want to know what I said, just ask me.

I said:

"But of course, you are having fun with me. That is the service you provide me and which I can probably never repay you for."

What you "think" I said, and what you said I said was

"you thought I was making fun of you "

I never thought you were "making fun" of me, Twinks, because until now you have always been respectful and funny with me.

I thought you were just being your usual, fun-loving, quirky sense of humor, pixelated self. "Having fun" with me. Not "making fun" of me. And that is something that you do that brings some joy into my life, Twinks. It is something I can't really repay you for except by offering you some humor and support in return.

As far as harboring aggression towards women, I don't think that idea is supported in the exchange you quoted. I don't think of you as a woman, twinks. As part of increasing the anonymity factor here, I intentionally try to forget the gender of people here unless it is obvious from their screen name or pertinant to the issue being discussed.

While I am capable of defending myself verbally, no woman or man has ever had cause to fear me. With men, they have to beat me quite soundly before I will defend myself physically. Last time that happened I was 17 years old. Women, they can beat me all they want and I will never raise my hand to them.

It is true that I am now afraid of getting close to a woman and flinch when women move to quickly when they are in my personal space.

Now you going on to speculate that the reason "D" beat me, left me for dead and abducted my child, "J," was somehow my fault...

That's revictimization, Twinks, and you are the very last person I expected to get that from. And because I like you and trust you it is especially hard to take coming from you. The clinical term is "betrayal trauma."

I must admit that my feelings are a bit hurt, but I am going to try not to take it personally and instead assume that we are just having a misunderstanding.

I try not to think about this stuff because it triggers me into having flashbacks, flooding and nightmares, but since you brought it up, let me remind you of "D's" reasons for her behavior in her OWN WORDS.

"You are not attractive to me or any woman."

"I've been thing about hurting 'J' to get back at WD"

"Remember that time five years ago when I wanted you to sleep with me and you refused--well payback's a bitch."

"You wanted me to keep my agreements!"

"I just want to live as superficial a life as possible and you want everything to be an authentic social process."

And of course the ever-popular...

"It's not in you to give me what I want, when I want it, just because I want it."

I now plead the assistance of the group. Coda_Mom? Someone? Help me out here. Was I out of line or being passive aggressive with my comment, or is this just a big misunderstanding?

April 1, 2005
11:53 am
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, for one, I am confused with all this and I am not sure what prompted it or even where the quote was posted, or which thread. Perhaps I missed, but I had wanted to read the entire post to get an over all view point to what led to this. I am certainly confused about this.

WD, I am glad you came back on this and willing to talk about it. You held it calmly here on the words you wrote. Hope you are doing okay.

I am going back thru the threads to see what I really missed if you do wish my input.

April 1, 2005
12:50 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twinks, lets's take care of the trivial first.

arrived at the gender ignoring thing when someone revealed the gender of a vulnerable person here. It is about safety of group members, Twinks. When gender specific issues come up, I take gender into account. Otherwise, I don’t. Besides, you just can’t tell someone’s gender from text unless they tell you.

April 1, 2005
1:02 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twinks,

Yes, the quotes I provided are just that, quotes.

“It is not in you to give me what I want, when I want it, just because I want it.”

Do you really want to say you sympathize with the author of that statement?

I am not a lay person, so let me explain to you the psychology behind “D’s” comment …

An infant starts off believing that it is the entire universe, and soon comes to believe that it is the center of the universe. infant is born with the expectation that all of it’s desires will be instantly satisfied. That is called “primary narcissism.” One of the tasks of maturation is called the ability to delay gratification. Another task is to develop empathy. A person who has empathy understands that hurting others is wrong.

A person with empathy understands that other people have needs of their own and does not demand that their selfish desires be met when those desires conflict with the well-being of another person.

A mature, healthy person uses the principles of mutuality to negotiate mutually agreeable circumstances in a relationship.

A person who would ever think something like what “D” said to me would have to be very highly narcissistic: Entitled and with low empathy. Only an infant or a batterer would ever think something like what “D” said.

So contemplate what it means for you to sympathize with “D’s” accusation.

Also consider how that fits in with your own admitted history of being a perpetrator of domestic violence involving explosive rage and a deadly weapon.

April 1, 2005
1:19 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My two cents:
TWINKS, I know that you only said this to WD because you care, however it is my thought that it is a personal attack, bringing up past emotions that he may have or might not have worked through by now, but that is his business, his life, not your's or mine or anyone's RIGHT to bring that up again. It is a personal attack. This would be like bringing up something your ex did to you, and accuse you of being hurt 'for no reason'. SO I think we have to be careful about bringing up old loves, or things that obviously are raw emotions for people.

I think the whole matter would have been better said, and received, if "D" had not been mentioned. As it is it has put WD on the defensive, and the real issues that you may have wanted to clarify with him, have been cluded, maybe even lost. I see this as nothing relevant to "D" but maybe an issue you have personally encountered with WD here on these threads.

The other thing? is that this is a website..a computer conversing with another...not a very good freind, who may have gone through the trauma, one goes through in their past. People share here in faith, in trust that we will not "throw" someone's past in their face...that kind of stuff is saved for the insensitive people we know in the real world. So please reconsider your thread title.

From my observations, WD seems to be a normal individual who experiences frustrations as we all do. He has lent advice to those who have been abused. It is admirable when such a strong character as I view him to be anyway (my observation)lets his guard down and VENTS! Do you know this may be a difficult thing for a man to do...period?! If in my postings he does not answer or comment on what I have written him...BIG DEAL!! It has nothing to do with me...we all choose when, where and how or IF we respond. I know for me, soemtimes I just don't know what to say, or if a thread bugs me, and I can't be helpful, I just don't respond, period.

I think some judgements have been made that do not need to be made here.
Again my two cents worth...but I always have to stand up for an injustice if I think there has been one for anyone.
And you as well Twinks..you always offer great advice here I think, but I truthfully think this one is out of line...there is hurt involved, and the real healing you may have wanted, may have been lost. I could be wrong of cours, but this is what I see in all honesty.

April 1, 2005
1:32 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am kind of upset by what feels like a bizarre, random attack on me by someone who I considered to be a friend, so I am going to lay off this thread for a few hours. Meantime, I would appreciate it if Twinks or somebody would look into the posts in question and help me with some reality checking.

I will offer just a couple more comments before I take off for lunch here.

First of all, I was in no way “emotionally unavailable” to D, or unresponsive to her needs. She was my Queen and I was deeply in love with her. Never has a woman been so thoroughly showered with affection, attention, gifts, flowers and jewelry. I was her slave.

Do not mistake me for your ex, Twinks.

“D” was not saying that the reason I didn’t give her something was because I took pleasure in withholding something that she wanted. She was criticizing me for not being utterly submissive and obedient to her at all times.

When I pointed out to her that in fact, I had eagerly given her 99.9% of everything she ever asked, she said “That’s right, you didn’t give me that last 0.1%!”

In the last two years of our relationship, she had me and my child in tears almost every day.

“D” is a serial abuser. As far as I can tell, she carved a swath approximately fifteen victims wide and five years deep. That includes five grown men brought to their knees. That is at least two child victims.

She hurt those people for the same reason she hurt me. It is simply impossible to completely satisfy a highly narcissistic person. I know five men who discovered that with D. She hurt me because I was a good, decent, honest, loving man, and she hated that about me. That’s what personality disordered people do. She likes to hurt people. It’s as simple as that.

April 1, 2005
1:36 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I did post to you, WD, but you did not respond back to me. So I took it as I should hold back and not post back. I did respond to you. Now you ask for 'anyone'.

Think I will just go to work for now and see what is up later. Maybe someone with more intellignece than I can help with this. This whole thing is bizzare to say the least.

Sew

April 1, 2005
1:47 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD,

The reason I will not post here unles you asked is because I do respect you and think you can handle this on your own. I do not wish to intrude. You and I have challenged many a thread in the past, but this one is yours. so I will stay out of it, unless asked. Twinks, perhaps I am being passive here? But that is who I am, and this is fine, as long as I realize it and learn to deal with it.

Friends,

Sew/C

April 1, 2005
2:23 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm no mind reader, Twinks, so I can't say how narcissistic you are.

But yes, you described your self as having engaged in some horrifically violent behavior.

And you have just revictimized a person who has already been through hell.
You don't know me, Twinks, so for you to basically tell me that you don't believe me when I tell you how I was with "D." is just ridiculous.

I don't have any idea what I did to make you angry at me As best I can tell you wanted me to give you something and expected me to figure out what that was without any clue from you. And so you made the strange leap that I am somehow "like" your ex.

You have hurt me here twinks. I am going to try very hard not to take it personally, because I know that you don't know the first thing about me.

But you need to consider that our words do have the power to hurt people. And you need to consider that certain things will be triggers for people with post traumatic symptoms.

I am going to be having nightmares about this for weeks. And I'm probably going to be dreaming about knives. That is not an image I need to have going through my head at night.

April 1, 2005
3:19 pm
Avatar
site coordinator
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twinks,

I used to frequently remind folks on these threads (in the distant past) that when we find ‘fault’ or have ‘issue’ with someone on these threads, it is pointing to an issue within ourselves, not in others. Myself included. There are no exceptions.

We don’t know each other here, we truly, only know ourselves. So the information we ‘see’ and ‘learn’ here, can truly only come from within.

Do you find benefit to find blame or fault in others here for the problems in your own life? It appears this way quite sharply to me now. WD is the third insightful, male, kind teacher that you have attacked on these threads.

I think those who have been following these threads have a recent recollection of your attempts to blame & analyze Tez for not giving you enough attention, submission, or agreements. You have labeled him, and attempted to create a storyline of narcissism for him. You did the same for Cactus. Remember the olive branch thread here?

And now WD.

What is the benefit for you? What understanding do you hope to gain? What hurt and anger are you trying to diminish by these untruthful and unfactual attacks?

That said, I do myself, have issue with others being attacked on these threads in such brutal and unwarranted ways. You have been creative in your verbal manipulations Twinks, and I ask that you re-think your purpose here. If you are looking for insights for yourself, I request that you ASK others, rather than RE-ENACT.

Site Coordinator

April 1, 2005
3:22 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twinks,

I'm not mad at you. My feelings are just hurt, that's all.

April 1, 2005
4:31 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No Twinks,

you would get a very different response from me if you had asked me to consider an idea. I am a reasonable man. Reasoning is what I do best. What I do for a living is apply reasoning to evidence and draw rational conclusions.

But when I pointed out that you were misquoting me and attributing to me emotions that I just did not have, you basically said that it did not matter what my exact words were, you knew me better than I knew myself. You did not offer any evidence or any reasoning. What you offered was some memories of your ex. I am not a person with a subdued affect like your ex. I am an intense person.

I am happy to consider your evidence and reasoning to seek insight about my own psychology. Bring it on, Twinks.

Regarding your idea that I might, just may be angry and that I ought to consider why that is. You are darn right that I am angry. I am not angry at the female race, though. I am angry at the person who hurt me and my child and my family so badly. I am angry that the psychotherapist who was treating us withheld information about “D” being a serial abuser, and about her mistreatment of our child.

I am angry that my psychotherapist prescribed “treatments” known by science and law to catalyze escalation of abusive relationships. I am angry that I have endured so much quackery, medical fraud, and verbal abuse from the professional I was paying to help me. I am angry that he lied to me about the fact that he was successfully sued sexually abusing four female clients.

I am angry that this psychotherapist let his sexual relationship with “D” create a conflict of interest that tempted him to collude with her abusiveness. I am angry that he facilitated the abduction of my sensitive, gifted child by that…woman.

I am angry because I have a medical condition brought on by years of escalating abuse, and one symptom of that condition is angry outbursts when presented with triggering stimuli.

I am angry that every time I turn around I see someone having their lives ruined by abusive people who ought to be loving and protecting them.

There is no mystery to why I am angry. The natural human reaction to outrageous behavior is outrage.

But I’ll tell you what. I have not, as far as I can recall, until this thread, either felt angry with your or directed anger at you. And if you disagree, prove it. Yes I want you to elaborate your head off here. Please do.

April 1, 2005
4:58 pm
Avatar
site coordinator
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Twinks,

What is it you hope to prove or gain by this blood letting?

Did I give it to you in the neck? As you wrote above? I think I asked for some courtesy in not making assumptions about my role or personality. It would be a bite in the neck, if asking for some human courtesy was like a snake giving a bite to a predator. Of course the predator doesn't like the bite either.

I have seen many others ask you for the same courtesy - not to make callous assumptions about them - the reason WD and I are here now.

These threads are to help ourselves, and support others. Sharing our viewpoints is very welcome, when done with respect, courtesy, and not assumption or attack. You don't know anyone here Twinks. Your tone and language shifts rapidly from friendly to hostile and manipulative, sentence to sentence.

Please talk straight and respectfully is the request.

Peace all. Have a good weekend.

April 1, 2005
6:14 pm
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sewunique,

Thanks, friend.

I'm not thinking too clearly here I guess. My head is just spinning.

Twinks,

Whatever I did to hurt you or offend you, I'm sorry.

WD

April 4, 2005
7:26 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am really sorry to bump this thread, because I think it should have died an early, painful death. But people are nice, and find it hard to ignore goads and taunts; before you know it, you are playing some stupid game that makes the bully feel goodand you feel like crap.

I didn't like the tone of WD's last post. It sounded like twinks won, and that is just so wrong. He sounded tired, and beaten down. The whole tone of the original post, the very title chosen was so mean, so vicious, that I was surprised the site coordinator allowed it to remain.

Is twinks satisfied that someone who has been through a terrible experience and lost a child will probably have nightmares, and has momentarily lost his place of peace? What kind of person gets a kick out of that? I think we all know - the kind of person who causes pain, the kind of person who creates a victim where there was once a human being.

Twinks is a bully. There, I've said it. So sue me.

April 4, 2005
7:50 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Site Coordinator,

Please erase this thread. Delete it. Destroy it. Make it disappear.

It should not be allowed to stay to continue hurting others who may stumble upon it and shock the beejeezus out of those who witness the kind of anger unleashed upon another human being in these posts.

It makes it difficult to feel safe in this site-safe from attack, safe from prejudice, safe from verbal abuse.

Please take this request under serious consideration.

Thank you, very much,

bonita

April 5, 2005
8:29 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WD and Twinks are both good souls. There is something going on within each of them. We can value and learn from this interaction as we can from all interactions that take place here.

Are you looking for an example of how you would or would not want to be treated? You might find it here! Are you looking for answers within yourself about why certain things set you off? Reading this thread might lead you to self-awareness!

Not all things come to us as we expect them to. I am blessed to be a grandmother. My grandson, however, did not arrive as I expected. He continues to struggle. It is a source of stress for his parents, me, and other family members. Today, his parents came home to find their dog half dead from getting tangled on her lead. She had 5 puppies. She died before they could get her any help. Now she, and the puppies are gone--taken to the local animal shelter where hopefully, they will find good homes. This has been a painful experience, but maybe it is "nature's way" of letting these parents know that this little baby has to come first. Maybe this death occurred in order to prepare them to face other deaths. Who is to say?

All things contain lessons of value. May we all learn whatever we need to learn, personally, from this interaction so that it won't be for naught.

Love to all,

Ren'ai

April 5, 2005
9:56 pm
Avatar
raissa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am confused is this the way we support each other?
I just recently joined this site hoping that here I would find kind words and freinds but this really scares me, Am I to expect to have things trown at my face everytime I may not agree with someones point of view?
Please let me know.....

April 5, 2005
10:07 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

raissa,

welcome to the site. No, we are very supporting and caring group. There are many levels of discussions here, so please do not be scared off. On the Support threads, it is mainly support and airing concerns and sometimes even just sharing daily events. Up here in Liberation Brews it is more for debating of philosphical points of views and banteering goes on. We all have issues and work on them at different levels at each ones's own pace. sometimes things up here in Libs does get uncomfortable, but such is life as well and we do get along pretty well and at imes explanations or apologies are necessary as well. we are all just people, with many needs and many ways of expressing things. This Libs has gotten quite heavy with many 'other' types of discussions that it has in the past, but it does revolve with issures and topics.

Sew

April 5, 2005
11:33 pm
Avatar
raissa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you !!!!

April 6, 2005
12:05 am
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You;re welcome. Sorry about the typing, it's just one of those days.

April 6, 2005
1:10 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm going to try to put this thread to bed.

I believe this thread was caused by two things. Mind you, although I am a nurse with some training in clinical psycholofy, I am NOT a psychiatrist, nor do I play one on television. I am a card-carrying professional scientist though, and I do have a talent for applying models to phenomena. So please recieve my essays as well intended and well informed, while also taking them with a grain or two of salt.

One of the things that inspired this thread was my behavior on this site. My style of relating here led Twinks to perceive me as having a pattern of being passive-aggressive. I have considered that question before and I do not believe that "passive-aggressivness" is one of my problems. The main reason I believe that is because I fail to see how a loudmouth like me could be passive-anything.

In defense of Twink's perception, I acknowledge that I have received feedback to the effect that sometimes I disappoint people here by not responding to their posts. I am open to feedback and have created a thread entitled "WD Invites..." for the purpose of giving my friends here the chance to speak to me in a place where I cannot miss their posts.

The second catalyst for this thread was Twink's emotional reaction to me and the conclusions she drew about me. On the one hand Twinks believed that she had insight to offer me and believed she would be doing me a disservice by not offering it. On the other hand, Twinks also appeared to be quite angry with me.

The reason I believe that is because Twinks said a couple three things that didn't really make sense. First, she made a huge leap in saying that my "passive-agressiveness" was the reason that my ex was so abusive to me, my child, and my family. Then, Twinks made strange comparisons between me and her ex husband. Finally, Twinks, having made pretty strong accusations against me, refused to offer any evidence or reasoning to help me understand where she was coming from, even though I clearly requested that she do so.

What seems strange to me about that is that Twinks said she had not come to her conclusions about me lightly or abruptly, so it seems reasonable that she would be prepared to offer her reasoning rather than just do a "hit and run." At the same time, she explicitly stated that her conclusion was not rationally based on any particular interaction, but kind of just hit her like a bolt of lightning.

But before she did those things, she prefigured and foreshadowed her behavior and suggested that she was about to leave this online community.

My interpretation is this....

I think Twinks likes me, and that I must mean something to her--otherwise she would have just blown me off, and never have gotten upset to begin with.

When people are important to us, they have more power to trigger old patterns of emotional reaction in us. The medical name for that process is "transferance."

Let me offer an example of my own behavior to illustrate the phenomena of transferance and triggering.

I have had a life history that involves being hurt with regards to sexuality. It began with a babysitter restraining me and mutilating my gentials with burning matches. It ended with the mother of my child explaining to me that my love and my sexual identity was evil, and repulsive to her. As you might imagine, I will carry the physical and psychological scars of these events with me for the rest of my life.

A while back, someone who I like and respect and somewhat idealize here at AAC, said something that triggered me. I felt attacked and condemned as regards to my identity as a loving, sexual being. The key word here is "felt." I was not really being attacked. But I "transferred" my emotional reactions from previous people who actualy has attacked me to my friend here.

I consequently became "split," and was, at an emotional level, unable to access the previous good feelings I had about my friend. While in a stae of "splitness" I proceeded to publish a 1000 + word essay, basically ripping my friend up one side and down the other. The emotional fallout of that episode caused me to distance myself from other friends here, like Juanita, and I came close to taking my leave of the support system I had here.

I am still ashamed of my behavior that day, and the only grace is that I learned something about myslef, and that my friends here forgave me and continued to have affection for me even though I was an ass.

I believe that somehow Twinks got triggered, and she then went on to "transfer" her mental model of her ex husband to me. She thereby (accurately or innacurately) d behavior to me which she had observed in her husband.

Her emotional and psychological reaction to that event of transferrance was "splitting," whereby she temporarily forgot her good feelings for me, and forgot the warmth and humor that had made our relationship pleasurable up to that point. And while in a condition of "splitting" Twinks said some unfortunate things.

But some of the things Twinks said are also potentially rich sources of learning for me, for Twinks, and for all of us, and I do not want to lose that learning in all the hullaballo.

Twinks admitted to an episode of behavior that is legally defined as "assault with deadly weapon," and which would cause ANY male who did something like that to spend a night or two in jail and lose all custody of his children. That episode was a very frightening and violent episode, but I do NOT beieve that the episode proves that Twinks is a "batterer," or even a "bully."

I believe that Twinks was re-living that episode with ME for the purpose of healing. Let me explain.

A true abuser has a bag of tricks that they employ CHRONICALLY to control people--especially people close to them, like lovers, family members, children. One of those tricks is verbal and emotional abuse.
Physical abuse, while the most dramatic example of domestic violence, is neither the defining nor the most important feature of an abusive relationship. For example, there are studies indicating that suicide catalyzed by partner abuse actually kills far more people than outright spousal homicide. Thats hundreds of thousands of people who would be alive, instead of dead, if not for partner abuse. In some cultures, suicide is considered to be the NORMATIVE response to partner abuse.

One of the oldest tricks in the book for abusers is to chronically hurt their partner in subtle ways, such that the victim finally explodes in outrage, thus giving the abuser ammunition in their campaign to describe the victim as crazy or mean or whatever. And it really works. Many abused women have been arrested because they just couldn't take it any more and put a frying pan upside the asshole's noggin. It has been documented repeatedly that a sign of recovery is when an abused woman moves from feeling suicidal to feeling homicidal. It's not that she ought to off the bastard; it is just that she has acheived clarity about who is actually the wrongdoer.

I suspect that Twinks was in an abusive relationship with her husband. I suspect that her husband was the abuser. I suspect that he employed sophisticated technology to injure Twinks over a long period of time. I suspect that one of his techniques was a form of abuse called "witholding." I suspect that he employed the most deadly technology of abuse called "crazymaking" against Twinks.

I suspect that this man, over a period of years, deliberately eroded Twinks' ability to distinguish reality from fantasy. I suspepect that he eroded her self-esteem, autonomy, and human dignity." And he did it all while wearing a mask of placidity--or truth be told "flat affect."

I think that he finally got his way and that Twinks reacted explosively and lashed out violently. And I think that that lashing out has troubled Twinks and that her behavior that day has been used against her inside herself if not by him.

Based on Twink's reaction to my description of her behavior, I believe that the behavior was uncharacteristic of her natural inclinations, and was probably an isolated incident. It is not that I endorse or recommend her behavior there, but I certainly understand it and have comapassion for her.

But some things I said here reminded Twinks of the abuse she endured from someone else. So she got triggered. And she got split. And she said some unwise and unfortunate things while in that condition. That is what I think.

Like I said. I'm no mind reader, and I'm no psychiatrist.

I reserve my right to respond or not respond to posts on this forum. Know that my focus is to respond to posts about the subject of abuse, particularly when a poster is asking for clarification about whether or not they are being abused, being abusive and what they ought to do about it. That is my focus, and "hey how are you's" and other material appears gray and unfocused to me. Such material is outside of my focus right now.

Please do not take it personally when I fail to respond to any given post. I am very distracted by my own life, and one of those distractions involves my coming to terms with, and being realistic about what happens to people who confront violent, severely personality disordered persons.

I never, ever want to be disrespectful or unkind to anyone here, and certainly not to my friends here. I invite all AAC posters, but especially my friends here who, frankly, owe it to me, to confront me and work with me about my own issues, my own behavior, my own relationship styles.

But do it in another thread, because I know what science and medicine has to say about my case and I am not willing to admit that I did something that justifies what "D" did to me and my child. And this thread is giving me nightmares that I need to start other thread about. I'm a big boy; I know bad dreams can't hurt me--but boy do they affect my quality of life.

Twinks, if you are out there--I implore you to seek me out and angage me. You can tall me your hypthoses. You can tell me about my misbehavior. I really want to know, because I want to be a good man. I know our joking and bantering has been superficial. But it meant something to me. So if you still have any affection for me, please bring it to me.

And if you have pain or questions or a need for a strong friend to hold you while you vent--come to me. I' strong, Twinks, I can take it. But if you just storm off and abandon our (addmittedly superficial and cyber) relationship like this, it will hurt. I guess I juts wanted you to know that you had touched me and mattered to me at least that much.

This is my abosolute last post on this thread. I am fine if Twinks or anyone adds their own responses or epitaphs to this thread. But I have sad memories here. Please meet me and engage me on other threads, my friends.

Sincerely,

WD

April 6, 2005
12:20 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Now, see?

Here we have a fine example of how two people can remain committed to their ideas and at the same time remain committed to self-exploration and resolution in problem solving...

Thanks to Twinks and WD for setting such a fine example for the rest of us!

Love,

Ren'ai

April 6, 2005
1:50 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, relief, sigh,

you both are such wonderful human beings, and you know I admire you both. I shall not go on with mushy stuff, comes off all wrong for me anyways. In a larger sense and lack of words, you are both my heroes. Stop, please, no going into my word useage, and just accept it. I have had enough of explaining my feelings to others up here of late.

I am filled with emotion with all this; good, sad, and self exploration for myself, as you both are lessons to me. You are both good people, I never doubted that for a minute. There are many facets that come up here at AAC, where else could we share and explore these things we care not to bring up in the outside world? Who would understand or care, any way?

(((((((((hugs to you both)))))))))))

Sew

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38541
Posts: 714220
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer