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I Have A Question/Coda_Mom and All
June 10, 2005
7:08 pm
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jamaicanwife
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My heart goes out to you, Sew. I am 35, the same age as your daughter, and I have yearned to be closer to my mother. My father and I were always antagonistic towards each other, and my mother's love was the one sure thing in my life.

When things were bad between my parents, my mother was there, but I was always aware that she had more than she could manage. I tried to be the perfect child, to make her life easier if I could. Of course I couldn't but it made sense to me when I was a teenager. If my father did something to me, I did not always tell her, because the idea of my mother as my protector just was not part of my reality. I saw myself as her protector.

As an adult, I went through a period of intense anger towards my mother, because I just felt as though she had not been there for me, she had too much on her mind trying to keep sane living with my insane father. I understood with my rational mind, but the lonely child inside me just didn't want to hear it.

I can understand your daughter feeling some hostility towards you because as an abused woman, it would have been hard for her to turn to you when she needed you. But her objection to your divorce and her participation in the attempt to have you committed sounds really hard to comprehend.

June 10, 2005
11:51 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hey Sew,

I am so sorry, it is a little after 11 pm here...I have not had too much time to read posts today, and didn't even check over in Lib Brew until now.

Based on the bits and pieces I could pick out from your posts and the input that others have made, I am sensing that you are thinking that some serious indescretion may have and/or is still going on between your ex-husband and your daughter? You are wanting to find out the truth about the situation, as gut-wrenching as it may be, yet are torn because of the potential damage it may cause.

Please correct me if I have not understood what you have tried to say.

What I have learned over the years in working with families is that there is nothing more destructive to individuals than "family secrets", those nasty, harmful things that go on with an unspoken rule attached that nobody outside of the family can "know about this". Secrets have a way of draining our precious energy because it takes a lot of energy to maintain a facade of false contentment..."put on a happy face". Secrets also dig into our ability to think rationally because we learn to lie to ourselves more and more about how things really are.

If you cannot get the truth from your ex or your daughter, you can refuse to be part of the dance anymore. State your suspicions, whatever they are, out loud to yourself. That is, tell the secret, the whole dark, ugly secret. Get it out, so that it will lose its hold on you. My guess is that your suspicions have been correct all along, you've just been pulled into someone elses' craziness.

Accept what you cannot change and let go of what you can't control...you can't force anyone to tell anything, but you can refuse to let it rule your thoughts. Your daughter is plenty old enough to know the difference between right and wrong, pray that one day she will make the decision to open up on her own.

I will be sure to check in tomorrow sometime to see if you've posted again. Again, I apologize for not checking in sooner.

My prayers are with you, sew, hang in there.

CM

June 11, 2005
7:28 pm
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sewunique
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Thanks CM,

for posting a reply. No problem, no apologies needed!

I will be brief for this posting time to get back to working and not to procratinate my household duties.

I have not had contact with my ex, as moved out of state, and not spoken to him unless it was in court, so I am not sure if calling him to ask him about anything would be agood thing. Am still waiting for him to take care of our divorce settlement, so he is still playing with control of my life, in a way, until he does what he needs to do with the divorce.

I think my daughter may also be protecting her own marriage? Maybe afraid I may reveal something and she would have to owe up to it? She IS angry with me long before this all happened. And she states she knows she is a 'control freak' as she says. So much problems there.

I was reading in Beatties book that coda adult children we need to let them work out their problems and should not do or say anthing. But I wis I could just say; hey, Irealize you have issues and ralize you have to work them out on your own, I am ere for support to you, but as an adult, you have to work it thru for yourself. Good idea for a thread perhaps?

Anyway, my daughter has clearly made it impossible for me to contact her by phone or cell phone and she has the grandcildren not to asnswer the phone now if she is not home, caccording to what my one grandson told me a few months back. And she changed her cell to voice mail only as well.

What do you think about all the meds I was on going thru my depression? (see the thread I referred to about that). The meds were not working and I got more depressed and more meds and higher doses while I had started discovering things and could not tell anyone, not even my therapist, so I got MORE depressed. I hope I was not crazy then, that scares me.

I have been wondering if I should request my psychologist and psychiatrist's notes about me and my sessions from back then to see what was said or written. But then I wonder if that would be more harmful to me now?

Besides, the the one therapist who said she could not do marriage counseling for us because she was counseling me personally, then changed her mind and said it would be okay for her to do both. That turned out badly on my part because then my abuser charmer spouse had charmed himseslf to her, the therapist doctor, and she flirted as well and really turned the tables on me.

I was so paranoid at the time about everything, I even had a tape recorder in my purse during one session. How awful of me! But I listen to it today, ans she WAS flirting back with him.

Wish I could get your take on this and if WD happens to drop by to see if he has any input about it as he has experienced some harmful therapuetic relationships as well. I guess after all this time, deep down I still trust that my past doctors may have been correct about me as they are doctors, after all. And I am a nurse, so I should know better than that one, but this is me speaking as a coda past abuse survivor with questions.

So am wondering, if getting my past records would be harmful or helpful to me?

Sew/C

June 11, 2005
7:36 pm
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sewunique
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Cm,

The post I referred to was from WD's thread in Supports, titled: "Abuse from women...warning triggers" and my post on it on June 6th.

Adoctor wouldn't put someone on these meds if they did not think a person was needing them or had the diagnoses to warrant prescribing these meds? Or could they be so wrong?

Anyway, I am functioning pretty good and work well and really have no problems on a daily basis except what you guys read here. I think I may have been misdiagnosed and not treated right. No, am not asking for a diagnosis, just can this happen? Have you seen this type of thing happen before?

ABuse..........what an awful monster to do so much to the victims.

June 11, 2005
7:40 pm
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sewunique
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Sorry, I was wrong, the post of WD's that I referred to was dated June 8, and was not June 6.

June 11, 2005
9:19 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Sew,

Just a question first, are you on any of those meds at all? My goodness, adderall, lithium, ADD medication (Concerta?). I was under the impression that lithium was used for folks with bipolar, as an antipsychotic to level off their extreme manic moods.

Doctors and psychiatrists are mainly concerned with the "medical model" and normally don't delve too much into what is driving a person's emotional state. They listen to symptoms, relate them to what in your body may be malfunctioning and then prescribe the meds to correct the problem.

What you have described concerning your ex-husband has all of the elements leading up to posttraumatic stress...anxiety (w/panic), hypervigilance, etc.

I tried to find a site that has good information on PTSD and have posted some of one of them here:

http://www.mentalhealthchannel.....toms.shtml

Symptoms of PTSD are generally of three types:

**Intrusive**
Dissociative states
Flashbacks
Intrusive emotions and memories
Nightmares and night terrors
**Avoidant**
Avoiding emotions
Avoiding relationships
Avoiding responsibility for others
Avoiding situations that are reminiscent of the traumatic event
**Hyperarousal**
Exaggerated startle reaction
Explosive outbursts
Extreme vigilance
Irritability
Panic symptoms
Sleep disturbance
Intrusive memories and emotions interfere with normal thought processes and social interaction. Flashbacks feature auditory and visual hallucinations. For example, the sounds and images of combat often comprise the content of flashbacks experienced by military veterans. Flashbacks can be triggered by ordinary stimuli such as a low-flying airplane or a loud noise, anything that brings to mind an aspect of the event. Nightmares and night terrors also feature aspects of the traumatic event.
Dissociative symptoms include psychic numbing, depersonalization, and amnesia.

People with PTSD commonly avoid stimuli and situations that remind them of the traumatic event because they trigger symptoms.

People experiencing hyperarousal symptoms are always on the alert for danger or threat and are easily startled.

Complications
Complications develop in people with chronic PTSD and delayed onset PTSD. These include the following:

Alcohol and drug abuse or dependence
Chronic anxiety
Depression and increased risk for suicide
Divorce and separation
Guilt
Low self-esteem
Panic attacks
Phobias
Unemployment
In 1988, it was estimated that 40% of Vietnam veterans had problems with drug abuse, and almost one-half of these veterans had been divorced at least once.
Phobias of objects, situations, or environments that remind the person of the event often develop as complications of PTSD.

Panic attacks can be triggered by stimuli reminiscent of the event.

People with chronic PTSD and complications often become unemployed because severe symptoms interfere with their ability to perform their jobs and function socially in the workplace.

Sew, if anything here is confusing or needs further explanation, I'd be glad to help. Please don't take this as my trying to make a diagnosis, it is just a suggestion as to what is happening, but only you can tell for sure.

It makes me angry to think that your therapist would not see what was happening to you, judging by your symptoms. And flirting with your ex to boot!! I do hope that you have found another therapist by now.

June 11, 2005
10:29 pm
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sewunique
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Thanks, CM,

I been thinking about you today.

Okay, great for goodle search. I was on Ritalin, then to a derivative of it, then off and changed to Adderall, then AdderallXR, then Strattera; commonly usede for adults anc chidren with ADD.

Astly was on Strattera with the calium 5 mg BID then TID along with antidepressant and lithium. They never checked a baseline of my lithium blood level before startig me on it either. I was on the lithium for about a week then started having muscles spasms, especially at nite, then full body twitches, like major jerking. I called my pharmicist, a female who described that women can have different reactions than men with lithium. My adverse reactions I descried to her, that and the falling down, falling over when sitting down, dropping my fork trying to eat, zoning out, wow, I was in rough shape. She thought, as I did, that I was toxic. But no one would do anything about it. This was the week my ex said in one week if I was not better, he was going to commit me. I was then scared for my life and knew the system to get people committed involuntarily in Wis (nurse, right, have done it with nursing home residents). Anyway, I stated to taper myself off. When I went to the therapist with my ex, he again tried to get me to go to the hospital. At least someone of those two docs were right and disagreed with my ex. The male PhD doc told me in private that if this happened, I would never work as a professional again, if I was comitted. This I knew. He also told me then he thought my spouse was controlling my destiny, that he would never change, nor have any of my own money unless I decided to divorce him. The seed was planted to divorce right then. That same visit my spouse told them I was anorexic, not taking care of myself. So they weighed me. The lab test fsor electrolytes and lithium level was ordered!!!! Yeah! My spouse actually saved me at that time, little did he know then. The elctrolytes were all within normal limits. I was high toxic on lithium. Actually, when I told the pharmicist, she said the toxicity levels with my symptoms could cause permanent nerve damage.

Form there, I tapered myseslf off lithium and valuim; went into DTs just the same. Iremeber hugging my daughter when a tremor hit me and we both shok up and down together as I tried to stop the tremors. So she has seen what the med did. Her answer.....the doctor made a mistake with the wrong med and I should be put on something else!!!

Anyways, I never went for another appointment. The PhD soctor treats mainly kids with ADD, that is his specialty; said he rarely treats adults with it.

Then my mother has her brain anyeursm and went into a coma, hence, i flew down to care for her, continued to taper myself off strattera and finally the antidepressant. I have not taken ANY meds since May of 2003.

I have been drug/medication free since May of 2003. For the past two weeks I strted St John's Wort, seems to help. I do have problems with sleeping.

But they made the diagnosis on the fact I was not being affected with the long term and rise in depression, so they thought I may be bipolar and wanted to try meds to see if that would help. But I believe that when you are depressed and add the stuff I waas finding out about my spouse, that no pill will make you "happy". That would be more crazy to be happy in a bad ssituation, that to be depressed becasue of the situation. Isn't that why they have ther term 'situational depression'? They also made the diagnosis on the fact that I have a brother that is paranoid schizphrenic, a brother with ADD and alcoholic and sis with post traumatic stress syndrome.

But me attention span has increased, I can think now and can function except not motivated to clean house. Is that s crime? ha

There you have it.

And my friends say I am more like mysself today as I was five years ago when things got really bad with my spouse/ex. And they do not think I am crazy, either. I a still wondering if I should get my records? Or maybe see a counselor here first, so they will not be persuaded or influenced with my past? Sometimes, they make diagnoses with getting past records. Quite an inexact science, isn't it?

Sew/C

June 11, 2005
10:31 pm
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sewunique
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sorry about the typos, a bit dyslexic, see. But so what.

June 11, 2005
10:53 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Whew! You have been to h*** and back, girl, yet still have your wits and clarity of mind to give me a detailed account of things...I'd say you are pretty darn on track and finding the life that was denied to you during that time.

It is also interesting that your concentration is returning. To me, it is related to the drop in anxiety since you've left your ex and all of the abuse and craziness. I was glad to learn that you've stopped taking those meds, not because I do not agree with taking medication but because I think the particular ones you were on had bad side effects as well as probably bad interactions with one another.

You do have every right to get your records. Normally, when counselors learn that a client has just recently finished with another counselor they will ask you to sign a release to get copies of your records. You may refuse to sign, and the new counselor will be barred from viewing your records under penalty of losing their licenses for confidentiality violations. I hope and pray that you find a counselor who is familiar with the dynamics of abuse, perhaps you can get a referral from your local woman's shelter or even call a few counselors themselves and ask them about it.

As far as dealing with the situation with your ex and your daughter, they have made it clear they do not want to be held to anything. The best thing that you can do right now, sew, is to take care of yourself. I don't have to tell you that codas win the prize for putting everyone else's needs before their own. This is the time in your life to put your needs first, out of necessity for your emotional and mental well-being.

And no, the "house police" won't come into your home and arrest you for not cleaning ;). If you think of cleaning it, do it because it is something that you need to do for yourself, because you like it that way.

It's late and I'll be signing off for the night, but will check in again early tomorrow am. I'm also going to send some prayers up for you during the night, hang tight, Sew.

((((Hugs))))

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