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I Have A Question/Coda_Mom and All
June 10, 2005
5:57 am
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sewunique
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CM,

I have a question that has been upon my heart for some time and just wondering if you would have any suggestions. Or anyone else that may read this.

How do you find the truth out about something that is important, but to find out may destroy a relationship, that person, a family or oneself? How do you ask the person, if appropriate, what you feel may have occurred if finding out may be more destructive than leaving it as a secret?

I am sorry that I have not explained any details here, but actually, I am quite ashamed of my suspicions, after asking this person if something occurred and they have already denied it. Ashamed I could even think this is possible with this person of doing what I think may have occurred. And mostly ashamed to even write out what I suspect even here as anonymous as we are, so I can't say or write it.

I am so confused. Either I am in blatant denial, or I have a horrid suspicion of dreaming up something that may have not occurred.

I keep going back to what I was told in the past from my ex (of a mere two months after taking almost a year to get the final divorce), and from what my daughter has said about me. That is, that I have a vivid imagination, exaggerate and do not see things as they are. You have read my posts, my friends see me here and back where I lived before and none of them think I am crazy as I was told before by my ex and my daughter. Sure, I act silly on the threads once in awhile, but I guarantee you what I write is from the heart, so am pretty much an open book here. But I wonder if I am off whack as they said? Why can't I not handle this question and ask straight out?

Just writing about it and thinking about it tonite has given me twinges of chest pain as I have had when I was stressed out in the whirlwind and the fog of my abusive marrigae before I was able to start to see things more clearly, about being in an abusive relationship.

I think some of the threads with trigger warnings have truly triggered some of this for me right now, but actually, it has been a lingering thought since I found out information about my ex's behaviors six months before I filed for my divorce.

I know this is a lot of baggage to bring up. Maybe the question about how to find out the truth is not even worth dealing with? I just don't know.

Does any of this make any sense or have I really lost it once and for all? I feel so confused, and so drained and sad.

Thanks for any comments, even if it is to say to just forget it and if I sound crazy, let me know. Maybe they were right? Maybe not? Maybe I am fooling myself?

God help me once again.

C.

June 10, 2005
7:56 am
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sewunique
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June 10, 2005
8:25 am
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sewunique
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On second thought, this is not worth pursuing, just let it go, okay? Thanks

June 10, 2005
9:46 am
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angel4U
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sew - Even though you said forget it, I'm coming in anyway cuz it sounds like you really need some help here ...

I unfortunately don't have alot of time (actually writing while getting ready for work), but thought I'd leave you with some ideas (homework) and questions to ask yourself (note, I am not saying to do this here if you don't feel comfortable, just do it for yourself):

* Write out each of the things that you are struggling with.

* Write down why you are struggling with them (what "specific" things have happened to cause you to struggle. Facts are REALLY good to have, but unanswered questions, past experience in a similar situation, etc., are valid too, IMO.)

* Write down for each: (1) Is my struggle really warranted for this situation, or does it really more have to do with past experience? (2) If warranted, is an answer absolutely necessary (meaning it would impact you/others to not know)? (3) If so, why? and how can you obtain it? (4) If you can't get and answer, then what else can you do to help ease your mind? (e.g. put distance from someone so as to not be in harm's way anymore, etc.)

I think we all get paranoid and/or question ourselves about things, and have that drive/struggle to find the answers in order to feel comfortable. And sometimes it is necessary in order for us to begin to sort through the why's and what do do's about it.

I think instinct and past experience has ALOT to do with it, for me it does anyway. Especially after you have been deceived in the past and trust has been lost, and in your case, i can see how your husband's behavior could have caused you to feel this way ... it sure would me, and I would have a hard time not doubting myself and my instincts after discovering what you learned about him. And i could see how it might cause me to get over worried/cautious/suspicious.

If this is only happening with him, I can certaily understand it as he does not deserve your trust after his lies/deception. But if it is happening with everyone/everything, then maybe try to be patient with yourself, and give yourself some more time to heal. And take whatever space/time you need to be cautious and build trust with people.

Sorry I have to stop here, because I have more to write that I think might be helpful, but hopefully this helps for now.

hang in there, sew!!!!

((((Hugs)))))

June 10, 2005
10:24 am
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jamaicanwife
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I remember you writing on this site about a very sensitive matter involving your daughter and your ex husband. Is this matter the one that is weighing on you now?

June 10, 2005
12:26 pm
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sewunique
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Yes

I wonder

it6 hurts

June 10, 2005
12:34 pm
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sewunique
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I write and delete

June 10, 2005
12:37 pm
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sewunique
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CM,

please look at WD's thread about triggers..........see what I wrote.....maybe I am just whacko........maybe why WD did not respond back?

Thank you Angel and JM

June 10, 2005
12:38 pm
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sewunique
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meant JW, not JM, sorry

June 10, 2005
1:09 pm
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on my way
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WE vascillate back and forth, because it is difficult to just let go of old thought patterns, etc. And I think if we live with someone who tells us we rae less than who we are...and we hear that day after day...it affects us. Almost likened to the "Habit" theory of "It takes 21 days to break a habit"...this is a result of practicing over and over the habit of what you want to bread, as in constant hearing and talking about new ways to think. So even this process takes time, but is sort of the same thing as hearing negative things about ourselves..

I too struggle with this, esp after my abusive marriage, and how I grew up.

But then again maybe I have missed the point?
hugs

June 10, 2005
1:18 pm
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addicts wife
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(((((Sew))))
I am someone who has a wildly vivid imagination, but then again things I have been through and faced with seem to be incredulous and wacked... sooo, In my experience(s) I am /have learned to go with my guts.. not the hunches, but the gut instinct that "something ain't quite right."
It is difficult ot not get proof, for our sanity's sake at times, but it is a lesson to ourselves to try and find a way t obe content with what our gut instincts tell us without having to go on some tangent, play detective and lead ourselves on some wild goose chase.
I am not certain of your situation, so I can only speak of situations Ive been in due t ohubsters bizzarre acts, the consequences and the childish gossipy, "low life" mentality of trouble making rumor spreading "friends" he had surrounded himself with.
We are both quite trusting a naive and we are learnign agian the difference and fine lime between "frinds" and FRIENDS.
hope this helps a little????
Love to you!
AWwwwwwww

June 10, 2005
1:18 pm
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sewunique
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Thanks, OMW,

I am sure you're right and make a good point.

I still question:

How do you find the truth out about something that is important, but to find out may destroy a relationship, that person, a family or oneself? How do you ask the person, if appropriate, what you feel may have occurred if finding out may be more destructive than leaving it as a secret?

And:

How do you ask how deep the truth really is without hurting that person and making the relationship worse, severed, forever gone?

How do you deal with not knowing the truth when talking to that person and trying to resolve a broken relationship....yes, my daughter and me.

June 10, 2005
1:35 pm
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jamaicanwife
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This is a very tough thing to deal with, even to think about. I will get back to you when I have a little more time to really think about it.

June 10, 2005
2:06 pm
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sewunique
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tHANKS, jw,

PRETTY UGLY STUFF, REAL OR NOT, PART REAL OR WORSE OR NOT, I AM SO CONFUSED

IF YOU CANNOT WRITE MORE, I UNDERSTAND, OKAY?

June 10, 2005
2:09 pm
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angel4U
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sew - I thought this might be your struggle.

Questions:

* Have you asked your daughter at all yet? I thought you had written that you had, and she denied it. And has now distanced herself from you. I thin kthis will make a big difference in how to approach it now.

My thoughts (but I have never been in this situation, so I am not sure if it's the right answer) ...

I think in any case, handling this situation with kid's gloves is of the utmost importance. If you think your daughter was subjected to his abusive ways, she may be in total denial emotionally and not be able to handle it. (This is true for many people that have been victims of sexual abuse ... the emotions are so painful they bury them and truly don't even remember that the abuse occured ... and then it pops out many years later.)

One way you may be able to tell is in how your daughter is behaving. Is she sexually promiscious, or overly shy, cautious and mistrusting?

One suggestion I have is to ensure you build some kind of trust with her if you don't have it today. I think in order for "anyone"to open up about something so traumatic, they would need to know that they could completely trust the person they are telling, and trust that they will accept and love them anyway.

Also, if you have not done so already, share with her that the traits your ex possesses are unhealthy and hurtful ... and part of his sickness.

I am clueless though on how you can do this if she is choosing to side with your ex right now, and distancing herself from you. I have heard that it is pretty common for kids to rebel against one parent if that parent is trying to keep them away from the other (I think it is the inability to handle the loss that makes them do this). Doing this only seemed to make them rebel (as if they just thought the one parent was only saying things and trying to keep them away from the other parent because they were mad at them).

The other question I have is ... are you wanting to find out for sure so you can press charges on him. I think I would, so that he could not hurt anyone else.

Oh boy, I'm stuck again and am now feeling your struggle ... and JW's. I think it's because I worry about the effects on your daughter, and what would happen if you tried to push her to open up.

Have you talked to a counselor about this? They may have advise on the approach, and effects on someone that truly has been abused. And as you said .. Coda_Mom and WD may be able to help as well.

Know I'm praying for you sew!

(((Hugs)))

June 10, 2005
2:21 pm
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sewunique
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aNGEL,

MY DAUGHTER IS 35 YEARS OLD, GROWN UP WOMAN WITH THREE CHILDREN.

We married when she was only 17 and so it has been a while him taking pix of her as she looks like a model, she trul is a beauty. But old pix I found were of natural ones, nothing naughty, but like my 50th birthday party, I noticed only pix of me are in the shadows. He even took a pix of her holding my birthday cake, not me. I think is is obsessed with her.

This is really too big here, there is so much. All I ever said to her her was I found some pix and not of her either, then asked if he ever touched her, if he did I'd kill him,,, nt really you know. She said no, that all he ever did in the darkroom was ut his fingers on her hips and joked and said "goutchey, goutchey" so what is that? shucks then when I left suddenly and camme down here, she called my dad in fkorida and tried to get him to sign papers to have me committed involuntairily. Then her husband said that my dad was the one that called forst and suggested it, so I know THAT is a lie my daughter told her husband.

My ex tried to get me committed for three months but the psychiatrist said that I was not not sick enough for that, I have disability insurance that would pay out more than if I wouked as a nurse. Besides, my career would hav ebeen over if that happened.

Now I am not on any meds for two and a half years and working and doing pretty arn okay, except I depend on this site to keep me going. Am I crazy or not? None of my friends back home or here believer that. But I wonder, still afraid of the past haunts of the abuse and self soubts.

sorry, I do hav eto get back into this reality mode and dress for work!!! thanks

my typos are really bad, sorry

June 10, 2005
2:24 pm
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angel4U
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ok, i stepped back a second myself and have to say that I don't think I would pussy foot around ..

I would ask the question directly, ensure th eother person knew I was doing so because I cared about them, would make sure I clearly stated exactly what behaviors are considered abuse (even if I had to send them literature on it), and then leave it with letting them know that if this has or ever does happen to them, to please know that you will be there for them.

God, I truly hope this is not the case for your daughter. If it is, your husband may have her brainwashed right now (very sick!!!)

I do believe that people have a true instinct of what is right and wrong, sew, but sometimes cannot accept or see it right away. She is only 20, so her mind may still be fragile. But in time, if your husband has been abusive to her, I think it will hit her and she'll need somwwhere to go with it ... and knowing that she has you to come to for comfort will be very important to her at that moment.

More hugs,

angel4U

June 10, 2005
2:33 pm
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angel4U
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Oops, I thought your daughter was only 20! Sorry!

Oh boy, sew. You have to be having a really tough time here not feeling truly comforted and trusted by your own family, especially woth what you have just been through.

I don't see that there is much you can do at this point about your daughter. It truly may be that he did nothing to her. And if he did, she should know by now that she could go to someone to work through it. But it really is her choice if and when she does.

Why is it that you doubt her answer so much?

June 10, 2005
2:37 pm
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sewunique
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because he lied, she has been lying and she had an affair with a bad situation wheree she got beat up badly from his drinking and drugs while she and her husband were trying to help out this guy and offered their home and so fosrth

and my daughter is a devout Christian who tells me I have no reason to divorce becawssue the Bible tells us so....barf on that.

Sorry I really do hav to go, will read anthing additionaly added tonite. Thanks, angel!!

June 10, 2005
2:39 pm
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sewunique
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Just pllease keep the prayers going up, you guys? Thanks

Sew/C

June 10, 2005
2:48 pm
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angel4U
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And why is that you feel you have to have answer?

Some tough questions I have:

* Do I need more evidence to prove how awful he is so you can feel better about myself? (e.g. are you seeing his going after these young women as a sign of rejection or unworthiness?)

* And/or do I need to make sure I have this evidence for my family & others too, to prove that he was wrong and you were right? And to finally get some comfort from this all ... the comfort that I so much see that you deserve!

I ask this because I have gone through similar struggles in situations, and much does boil down to not having the confidence/certainty in myself that their either their behavior is wrong (usually because some outside factor or not enough evidence has me confused), and therefore I seek proof/support to back me up. Or that it effected me in a way that caused me to feel unworthy of love, and my reaching out to others was a way to say "we love you, and YOU ARE OK!".

If it is any consolation, I think your ex is a TOTAL CREEP & SURELY A SICK MAN! Now I am sure there are other people out there that might not think so, and call him cool for being able to pull what he did off with young women (not many, but they are out there). And you know what I say, who the hell cares what others say! I believe it's wrong, period! And therefore I don't want it in my life.

Trust your heart, sew, I know you have a good one! And just be grateful he is no longer in your life.

June 10, 2005
2:50 pm
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oops, another twist. I'll stop now too as I have to go as well. I'll check back in later.

Keep talking, sew!!! The answers will come!

June 10, 2005
3:03 pm
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angel4U
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btw - Had to come back and say "scratch those last questions I posted" as I do not think they are relevant in this situation at all. It is clear that somethign is troubling your daughter emotionally for her to have allowed that abuse. The trick is how to find out what it is.

My suggestions above still apply ... let her know that she can trust you to come to you when she is ready. And also try to guide her to the verses that state that God DOES NOT want us to tolerate abuse. When we do, we are actually hurting Him, not following his guidance.

Coda_Mom, can you help here???

June 10, 2005
3:57 pm
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Hi Sew: Just wanted to relate a story of a friend of mine. She had been married for 30 years to a real creep of a man. He had cheated etc, but also molested their oldest daughter, for years. My friend caught him in the act. The daughter (to this day) idolizes her father. He died about 3 yers ago and at the funeral she got up and just went on and on about how wonderful he was. It was really creepy to witness. She is in big denial about the abuse. She has an unusual history- joined a cult, was a nude go-go dancer, now married to a real loser. She attributes all of this to her mother, who did nothing but try to stop the abuse, and then divorced her father. A very sad situation. My thoughts are with you. SD

June 10, 2005
5:02 pm
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Sew, will try to answer the best that I know how too form what you stated above, I have copies and pasted here.

"How do you find the truth out about something that is important, but to find out may destroy a relationship, that person, a family or oneself? How do you ask the person, if appropriate, what you feel may have occurred if finding out may be more destructive than leaving it as a secret?"

Be objective here. With a freind, to find out the truth, how would you go about it? Would you just ask?
And this is not between you and your family, it is only between you and your daughter. There must be a way to deal with the hurt between a mother and a daughter, w/out bringing up this subject. We can work more on that to figure it out if you want too.

I can see tht you are afraid of doing any more damage than what has already happened, right? Ask yourself, will more damage be done if I do confront, or do not. Again if this were a friend, how would you handle it?

And:

"How do you ask how deep the truth really is without hurting that person and making the relationship worse, severed, forever gone?

How do you deal with not knowing the truth when talking to that person and trying to resolve a broken relationship....yes, my daughter and me. "

I believe from what you have told me...you know the truth already. DO you really think by telling her you know will solve anything though? Do you REALLY need to know the truth right now, and why, why is it so important to know it now rather than later?

This is a hard one, I have not been here to relate. But am here whenever you want to talk.

hugs & prayers, omw

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