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I am a bad Christian--WD rants again
March 25, 2005
6:31 pm
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Worried_Dad
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and I am a bad Buddhist and I am a lousy Taoist and I am a bad nurse.

I am so unpeaceful.

I go onto these dating websites and I keep meeting battered women that don't even really know what has been done to them. I can't date them. But I can try to help them understand that what happened to them is not their fault--and they don't believe me!

I go to work and there are battered women who don't even know that they have been raped. They wait until the man has hurt their children and is threatening to kill them, and they still don't understand.

I'm trying to help a coworker get a DV protection order, and she still doesn't understand, she thinks the guy won't "really" hurt her, even after he has hurt her so much.

These women and children would not even have these problewms if it weren't for these SONS OF BITCHES!!!!! What gives them the right!!??

I mean, battering women are bad enough but for a MAN to do it!!!??? How can they call themselves men! I am a man and I am telling you that is NOT manhood!!

I know I'm supposed to be somewhat neutral in these case but I can't. These men make me so mad, I can't stand it. I can't stand it anymore. I just can't stand it.

Don't they understand what happens to these women and kids!!? Don't they understand!!!!

Those wife beating, child torturing bastards! I hate them! There, I said it. I hate them I hate them I hate them!!!

I don't want to help them anymore. I don't want to help them get into therapy. I don't want to help them to save their marriages. They don't want help anyway.

I just want them to disappear.

I know what to do to help them. But they LIKE the way they are, and dont WANT to be helped. And I don't want to help them anymore. And that is why I am a bad Christian. That's why I am a bad Buddhist. That's why I am a bad nurse.

I can't help it--I look at these kids, these beautiful, intelligent kids...I look at these women's faces...

You know, if it were just stupid drunk truckers with a 5th grade education I could almost understand it. But it's not, it's also freaking lawyers and engineers making $9,000 a month! It's not like they don't know better.

I'm sorry Im losing it; I just can't summon up my professional healing self for these evil sons of bitches. I guess I have lost anything like professional neutrality here. And now I'm a bad Christian and a bad Buddhist too. I'm sorry, I just can't summon up unconditional love and forgiveness.

And so I sometimes feel afraid. I am afraid that being mad at these people and finding it....well, I just can't forgive the ones who really, truly enjoy their dirty work..

I guess that make me bad, too. What if I become like them?

March 25, 2005
7:52 pm
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gazelle
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"these SONS OF BITCHES!!!!!"

"these evil sons of bitches."

Hi, WD. I'm not being unsympathetic to your feelings, which I often feel too.

But - Big Question: What about the above-mentioned "bitches"???
a) Why is it always some woman's fault? In this case, the mothers of the rapists / beaters / abusers?

b) Aren't those "bitch"-mothers (or weren't they once) the very women & children you are sympathetic with & trying to save, protect and teach self-protection, coping strategies, self-esteem etc?

Don't damaged / damaging behaviours like violence, & abuse of self and others, low self-esteem, inability to cope with fierce emotions etc get passed down the generations?

So perhaps in helping the victims, you are helping the next generation break the pattern.

All the best to you. Blessings - Gazelle.

March 25, 2005
8:49 pm
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sewunique
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WD,

You give and care so much that at times, it is easy to just get tired and frustrated.

What did it take for me to understand and comprehend when I first got here and you and Zinnie, and many others stepped in continuously to affirm and explain to me what I experienced was not right? It took a lot of energy. I will never forget that help.

And, that was after five years of my friends who supported me and never once told me what I had to do, but clarified and gave affirmation agter another and listened till they could not anymore. They have helped me pack and at least five times I have had to go back there, housed me and fed me and entertained me. It takes very special people to do that. You are one of same special people. It does get tiring and drains one after awhile. But if you did not care and give so much, it would not hurt as much or be frustrating.

I do not wish to sound patranizing nor unsympathetic, I am. Many of us admire and respect you and what you share and offer. You know I do, and sometimes I do get overboard, which I do apoligize for.

I was just wondering, have you offered this site as a place for them to come to? You know you never have to say you are here, but are aware of this place, you're smart enough for that. Or have given them other reference sites or books to help them? And of course, sometimes you can't save the entire world out there, either.

Naw, you're a good and special guy, that's a given! Every once in awhile you gotta vent, too.

Sew

March 25, 2005
9:13 pm
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GullyFoyle
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WD

It's okay for you to feel that way. It is very frustrating and it just makes you want to scream at the world. I will join you if you want to scream. But it doesn't do any good. you know that as well as i. So let the feelings out, scream, yell cuss, cry. Then it will be time for you to go back and do what you need and have to do.

Nah, you're not a bad christian or buddhist or nurse. You, my friend, are a human being. And you get fed up with it, just like the rest of us. You are horrified by the waste, by the misery, by all of it. That's what makes you different. That's what makes you special. That's what makes you a GOOD christian, a GOOD buddhist, a GOOD nurse. Cause if you weren't, you wouldn't care.

I may have mentioned this before, but in the ten years that I was in one form of the judicial system or another, out of the hundreds or more people I came in contact with, I may have positively influenced maybe two or three. I can only remember one right now.

But that's not true. There are probably many others that I may have influenced just by being there. People whose lives changed somehow for the good, based on a comment or an action of mine. I am sure that is true of you too.

So vent, get it out and then go back there. Wherever "there" is. You have to remember that you being there makes the difference. The same as you being here has made the difference in many of the lives you have touched.

Gully

March 25, 2005
10:11 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Whew, I feel better after that.

gazelle,

Of course I know that for the most part, the mothers' of these people are not "bitches" at all. I am sure they are mainly quite surprised by how their sons/daughters turned out.

Not that I let the parents off the hook entirely, but, my point is that "SOB" was just me cursing in the vernacular, not disparaging the character or role of womankind.

Gotta say though, these "creatures" really piss me off. Scare me, too actually.

March 25, 2005
10:15 pm
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sewunique
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OOOps, grammatical error..."I do not wish to sound patranizing nor unsympathetic, I am."

I meant to say I am not being patronizing and do sympathize.

WD, you are tuly valued here. Are you still working on that special web site project? That of itself is a huge undertaking and challenge, and a very worthwhile cause.

March 25, 2005
11:18 pm
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bonita1
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WD,

I would like to apologize to you. On another thread I thought you were insincere about wanting to know my story. I felt that you wanted to know only to satisfy some morbid curiosity or to prove some point you were trying to make or just to be obnoxious (my bad)!

Now come to find out you are a sensitive, caring guy who works with abused women and children. I'm sorry I misjudged you, WD. šŸ™

Sincerely,
Bonita

March 26, 2005
12:09 pm
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gazelle
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Oh dear, you completely misunderstood me, WD. Of course I knew you were venting, and are neither against womankind nor attacking any specific mother.

The point I was trying to make (obviously appallingly badly) was this. Yes, some mothers (and fathers of course) are hopelessly inadequate ... uncaring through inability, or lack of desire to be better, or due to alcoholism, drug addiction etc. Sometimes parents are even abusive and cause hurt and terrible damage & inner scarring where they should be providing love, care, inspiration, etc.

To the extent that they behave badly, or neglectfully, or uncaringly - even violently - these terrible parents COULD be said to be "bitches" or "bastards" (to use the vernacular.) But they too are victims of bad childhoods in their turn. Just like the people you are helping. I fully understand & agree with your feelings of helpless frustration, pain etc. here, and feel it too.

All I was suggesting was that these terribly defective behaviours (like those described by Twinks, and others I have witnessed too) are at least partially the results of the perpetrators having received bad (or non-existent) parenting themselves.

I hoped to encourage you by reminding you that your noble efforts are helping break the chain of abused children becoming abusing adults down the generations.
I accept of course your point that sometimes parents are doing their best, and are suffering helpless astonishment & dismay at the way their adult children behave, without being knowingly at fault themselves.

Sorry for any misunderstanding!
Blessings - Gazelle.

PS. Twinks - my heart goes out to you and your little lad! I too am looking after & helping teach & encourage 2 small boys who have a totally incompetent mother due to drugs & alcoholism. It can be so heartbreaking - but also deeply rewarding.
Best wishes to all.

March 26, 2005
12:15 pm
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Ah friends,

Thanks for the courage. It's hard not to be afraid. And ager is more confortable than fear--fells more powerful somehow.

I'm not actually a "regular" Christian. It's the teachings of JESUS that I admire. I don't much care for what other writers have to SAY about him, and I don't think Jesus would approve, either. He was, appoximately, 2000 years ahead of his time. Actually considering the screwed up world we live in, more than that.

Jesus was able to offer love to some really nasty characters. I'm just not that good.

And the Buddhist principle of harmlessness-it's a great idea but I just wann smack these guys!

And the Taoist principle of economical action--very wise. But I am so very bad at holding my toungue.

I just think that anyone who makes a child cry--and I don't mean the normal setting of limits that a good parent must do--I mean the ones that make kids cry for no reason other than sadism. They deserve a piece of my mind. And they are going to get it.

I know I can't save anyone. really, Twinks, I understand. I guess I need to post the serenity prayer above my desk.

March 26, 2005
1:21 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi WD: I think part of the problem for you too is that you know what the future holds for these abused women and children, if they don't get help. You've seen it first hand over and over and over. And so you want something better for them. And you know that more than likely they will repeat what they have learned because that is all that they know and the abuse will continue with other generations. You deal with this on a daily basis and that has to be sad for the ones who continue their lives as is, but it got to be so uplifting for the very few who are able to pull themselves out. And for that you should be very proud. You probably help so many more than you even know about with your efforts- I know that is true here at AAC. SD

March 26, 2005
5:49 pm
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mamacinnamon
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WD:

I am amazed. This is the first time I have ever seen you "lose it". Not that I didn't think you knew how, just that you are always so poised, so controlled.

I just wanted to say to you, WD, and Twinks and Sew and Gully and each of you reading this that you have an impact on each person you touch. I have no doubt that you, WD, and Twinks and Sew and Gully too and others, that ya'll have done such good in your professions. Everything we do, every action we take, every word we say goes into the ripple effect and touches and/or influences from person to person to person. You may impact a person 3 waves over you've never even heard of. Isn't life amazing.

Anyway, just wanted ya'll to know you are appreciated and the things you do don't fall by the roadside.
Bless you each.

March 28, 2005
9:09 am
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Juanita
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WD -

You are a wonderful and caring man. You want to help those out there see that there is a better life for them and their children other than being battered. What better form of Godly work? Whatever religion you prefer to subscribe to, the value of human life is topmost. You are entitled to feel anger and frustration, you care and want to help so much.

Let me tell you something personal though. Simple acts can reap great results (note I did not say 'rewards' for you may never know what happened).
YOU told me that you LOVED me, and that many a man would give his left nut for a woman like me. Do you realize how this made me feel? YOU made me feel special. YOU warmed some dusty corners of my heart & soul. YOU affected me. Simple as it may be, those words you offered long ago. When I felt men were insensitive, uncaring, and just thinking purely with their smaller of their two heads - you vented your frustration at my situation, and made me feel better - that someone who didn't really know me CARED. My situation was no where near as bad as some others - I felt unworthy for complaining my emotional plight. YOU AFFECTED ME & MADE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

So, please consider WD - I am lucky enough to tell you 'Thank You" for all this. So many probably can't. Others are still working on their self esteems to be able to be strong enough to move. What you say and do DOES have an affect. It may not be as fast as you want, but you have touched those women's & children's lives.

Stay strong dear man. You are valued more than you know. You are loved more than you know.

I speak from the heart when I say I love you....

thank you for your support.

Juanita

March 28, 2005
1:41 pm
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Juanita
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Whoops! Don't go thinking I'm flirting here! Wouldn't want to get in trouble or weird you out... When I say 'love' that is as a deep respect and admiration for a wise, kind, and caring anonymous friend.

March 28, 2005
6:38 pm
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on my way
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WD,
I have not read everyone's post on this thread, just your's.

You have a gift for helping people, no doubt in regard to abuse, how to recognize it, etc. You have helped many on these threads recognize, deal with it, take care of themselves, and educate them about where to look for help. It is good that you ven ton here as well, a positive past time for all here.
The only pain I can relate to on an equal footing, is being a parent and wanting my child to make the best decisions, and when they don't after educating them about life, etc., and they cannot see, and continue to go in circles, or do not recognize the warning signs, it hurts. But I stand back and say to myself, at this point in time I can only do so much, I have only enough influence and power to do so much. Also for me, if it helps to share similar emotions or not...if I could take every stray animal and love them and take care of them properly, every run-away teenager, every homeless person...and help them become functioning people again,,,I would. However, my resources fro such a large undertaking are not reasonable or available. So I try to reach beyond when I can, but if I get caught up in the ones I cannot reach...I couldn't handle it.

You have such compassion, but "balance in all things". We can't save everyone, all of the time. But you can save 1, 2, 5, 10 along the way. And they will in turn save 1, 2, 5, 10 along the way. This is where your efforts will take seed, so beleive that.

If you could save all of these people you would be God///not a bad idea, as you have the love and compassion, but even though all of us try...even on these threads, not every one listens, and that is their choice. There is a lot of dirt and muck in this world, unfortunately, and I probably have not said anything that you have not heard before, or do not already know...I can understand your emotions of just wanting to leave it all behind, but rest in the fact that each day, or week, you are helping someone.
Just wanted to say that I cared about what you are feeling.
Hugs to you, omw

March 28, 2005
7:23 pm
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on my way
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Oh, and there is no such thing as a "bad Christian"...I think I can say this from the bottom of my heart...and with some authority. šŸ™‚

March 29, 2005
2:42 pm
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jamaicanwife
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You're either a Christian or not. The only real requirement is that you believe that Jesus is the Son of God, and that he died for our sins.

That's it. Don't try to complicate a very simple and wonderful thing with comparisons. You do the best you can with what you have, and when you feel as though you can't go on, you stop and rest for a while. That's how it works.

March 29, 2005
6:01 pm
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readyforachange
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WD....I may be going out on a limb here, but I think you might not be a bad Christian, but a great codependent????? You feel "responsible" for helping all of these people, and when they just won't get "fixed" you feel angry and frustrated. The world's problems aren't for you to fix, though...let go. You're an awesome person, Christian or not. And I've learned lots from you. So have many people here....don't beat yourself up. You can't fix everything!

March 29, 2005
8:07 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Actually, it is just that my aspired Spiritual values are higher than my actual spiritual practice.

And I just needed to rant about how much "those people" piss me off.

readyforachange

"but a great codependent????? You feel "responsible" for helping all of these people, "

No, I am very clear where my responsibility begins and ends. I do believe that knowledge brings power and that power gives responsibility or duty.

The thing that burns me is just how people who cheat have such an unfair advantage--and the damage they do to innocents is just infuriating.

And no, I'm not codependent. Not even a teesny weensy bit.

"All that needs to be done for evil to prevail is that good men do nothing!" --Edmund Burke

March 29, 2005
9:16 pm
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readyforachange
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Ah, great quote. Excuse me if I'm being philosophical, but evil will always exist in the world. It is the work of the devil, and he will always exist. I believe that goodness will always prevail, and that the good in the world far outweighs the bad. Unfortunately, we live in a society that dwells in the negative. Far more husbands treat their wives well than not, far more parents nurture and care for their children than not...we only hear about the abuse, and neglect, and violence.

And I'm glad you're not codependent...not even a teensy weensy bit, because it's not an easy road. I'm someone who should have "doormat" tattooed on her forehead, so I wouldn't wish codependence on anyone. But I'm learning, and getting better every day.

Keep ranting...someone will listen. Maybe not the right someone, but someone.

March 29, 2005
9:24 pm
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readyforachange
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and BTW....hating them is okay, and so is not being willing to forgive. Some things are inexcusable. And that doesn't make you "like them".

March 30, 2005
6:21 am
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WD,

Sounds like you have a good case of burnout to me.

This is very common with people (including myself) who are in the helping professions...we hear dreadful stories of human depravity day after day and it is in our natures to try to help and not turn away. Then the stress builds up and we start feeling resentment toward the very things we love doing.

I've had days when I felt like telling my clients: "you think YOU are the only one with problems?" or other such things.

When was the last time you took a vacation? I mean, gotten away from everything and had a restful, peaceful time (you mentioned that you didn't have your peace).

If you can't hear that still, soft voice inside you anymore then it is time to "come apart for awhile". Do it for yourself and those you help, it will refresh you and give you a whole new perspective on life.

Blessings,
CM

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