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Hurt People Hurt People
June 27, 2010
12:00 am
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marypoppins
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Bitsy, Perhaps you have a better understanding now of what I've
experienced. Sorry to be cryptic, but I think you know what I'm
talking about. Mary

June 27, 2010
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_anonymous
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marypoppins- Hope you are not trying to start a flame war and
then go crying poor me! "I think you know what I'm talking about."
🙂

June 27, 2010
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I was
just wondering if "cryptic" communication is healthy communication.
If this type of communication promotes wellness or
dysfunction?

June 27, 2010
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I
understand the "mirrors" concept. Otherwise stated in AA and anon
groups - you spot it you got it. I'm not retarded.

Or - projecTION!
Or- don't project YOUR issues on me. Yeah, granted we all "see" the
world based on our experiences, but I don't think that makes it
impossible to be able to see that someone ain't right. Or that they
are behaving in certain ways.

It's also like, "I
know what you are, but what am I? " or

"Backatcha
babe"

But I also see
people using these tactics distract from an issue. If someone gives
me a criticism, whether or not I see it as constructive or not, how
does it help me, or us to communicate if I immediately lob it back
into the person's side of the court? It dismisses that person
offering the criticism, can put them on the defensive. Depending
how it is phrased, it can be rather insulting, almost a
conversational terrorism.

Constructive
criticism. I'd rather say suggestion, though. Criticism seems like
the *everyone hates me*, them or us mentality. Suggestion. Food for
thought. Seed to plant.

June 27, 2010
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_anonymous
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(((bevdee)))- so good to hear from you! This site is not a chat
room so it is difficult to have a conversation. Then there are
guidelines that we are expected to follow. Keeping in mind the
Thread that Sdesigns started on the support side, how would you
communicate using that as a guideline?

June 27, 2010
12:00 am
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Bevdee- can one make a rule that they are entitled to criticize
but become enraged when they get criticized in return? Isn't part
of healing from codependency letting go of the need to control
others? Not to offer unsolicited advice? I suppose it depends on
which doctrine one chooses to follow or what path they choose to
take towards their recovery.

June 27, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Mary!
Glad you "popped in". I am having a hard time with the issue of
sometimes you just have to confront the crazy making behavior. Not
too long ago I had a post about finding our R was engaged. You
posted "yawn". Yeah, at first I thought what the hell? THEN I
really thought WHAT THE HELL? When someone mentioned to me that
they had seen R and D and "the ring" and what the wedding plans
were I laughed and said, "For some reason Carrie Underwood is
playing in my head: Next time he cheats it won't be on
me....

By confronting my
crazy making behavior you helped me see it in a new light and
actually, the three years I have been here, I made more leaps since
that post than at any other period of time. Sometimes we just have
to tell people to stop. You are making yourself crazy. When we are
in the middle of the forest we don't see the trees.

Mary, I have
thought a lot about you in the past few weeks and what all you have
gone through and these threads and how you have grown and healed.
It goes back to the line in the post about healed people heal
people. I have always respected your opinion even when it pissed me
off and I have always taken a step back to figure out what exactly
it was you said that pissed me off and why.

What I like about
AAC as opposed to CODA or ACOA or Celebrate Recovery is that in
those groups we do only talk about ourselves and we do not offer
advice and solution. Here we do have that freedom to say "when I
was in your situation this is what I did." or "As an outsider
looking in, this is what I think..."

I really am not
interested in smoke and mirrors and having to second guess what I
post here because someone is going to think I am a sociopath or a
narcissist or pathelogical liar, or whatever else there it. I like
being able to post what I post and having positive or negative
feedback on it. Sometimes you just have to call a jackass a jackass
and a spade a spade. There are plenty of other forums for the other
stuff.

Peace to
all....

Bevdee
😉

Bitsy

June 27, 2010
12:00 am
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marypoppins
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(((Bitsy))) I posted "yawn" to you that day because you had
once posted "yawn" to me! Don't you remember? You and SD had told a
new poster something about how Destiny and I were always going at
it. I wrote back that it was not as it might seem to someone
looking at it from the outside. You posted "yawn". I was really
hurt. I know that wasn't very mature of me to hold on to it and
then use it against you. I thought you'd remembered. I think lately
you have been experiencing what I did with Destiny, which is why I
posted what I did on this thread.

Anyway, my
goodness! Thank you for thinking of me, and I'm so glad that
somehow what I wrote galvanized (you used that word before - it's a
good one!) you. I actually think an ex getting married is a pretty
big deal. And, I wouldn't have just written "yawn" to you if you
hadn't done it first! Oh my God, how juvenile of me.

I'm really proud
of you. Please, forgive my pettiness. All the best to you and Cat
and your other "kids".

Love,
Mary

June 27, 2010
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marypoppins
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Bitsy, I WAS trying to nudge you towards letting go of R and
focusing on what YOU didn't want to do again in the next
relationship, and not to look at things in such a black or white
way. But, a few days ago, I was thinking that I'm still holding on
to someone now who really isn't that great for me. I also realize
that I wasn't in a relationship with R, so how can I REALLY know
how it felt to be lied to and cheated on by him?

Somehow though,
even though you and I miscommunicated and I certainly didn't post
in the healthiest way, we both moved forward. So, neither of us is
perfect, but we DO have a connection and trust between us. Thank
you for that. Thank you for trusting me. I trust you, too. I was
petty, but I hope you always know that I pay attention to you and
that you inspire me.

Love again,
Mary

June 27, 2010
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I
apologize Mary. I have no recollection of doing that, but then it
goes back to the title of this thread...hurt people hurt people.
Sometimes when the pain is so great we lash out. In all the
experiences I have had that hurt me, somehow being cheated on was
the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. It totally broke
me. What is funny is that one day recently I remembered that I once
told someone that when I finally had enough of R and cut him loose
he would marry the next woman he stumbled across. My prediction is
coming true.

He always accused
me of not "standing up and taking care of myself". Well if nothing
else the breakup between the two of us has proved to me that I am
well capable of taking care of myself. I have done it for well over
two years now and done it quite well if I do say so myself. Another
funny thing is that he moved C down here to "get rid of me". He
didn't anticipate that she and I would click and she would look out
for me more than him. She has really helped me heal. Yeah, she was
a raging alcoholic when she got here, but even then she would tell
me what he meant in her life and the damage he had caused and she
would beg me not to be like her. Her parents got her into a great
alcohol treatment program and she has celebrated two years of
sobriety. I am proud of her and she calls regularly to check on me
and make sure I am OK. She is the one who got me involved in
Celebrate Recovery. She mentioned it to me one day and that she was
going, the next thing I knew she called and told me where there was
a meeting and when it was... If he didn't do anything else for me
he gave me a friend I will probably keep for life.

When I come here I
try to focus more on others than on myself. I am tired of my story
so I can only imagine that others are as well. I try to post
encouraging things to others. Barefoot Girl took a break but when
she came back she came back stronger. I was proud of her for that.
I do think that telling someone "I really liked that you did A"
rather than berating them for doing B is a lot more helpful. I know
personally if you praised me I will do back flips to keep you
happy, but if you tell me "you did this wrong and this wrong and
that wrong and you really screwed up when you did X" I will
eventually tune you out. Yes, I did come down hard on BFG on that
one thread, but it was an eye opener and freedom when I realized
the same thing about myself. I do not have the power over anyone
here and no one here has power over me. I am free to state my
opinion and sometimes it is good to hear the unvarnished truth. I
really do wish Barefoot Girl the best. I think and hope she has
forgiven the bruntness of my words and I think she finally took
them in the spirit I intended.

Not too long ago I
was reminded of Nappy who used to anger me on a daily basis telling
me just exactly what my relationship with R was. She was telling it
like it was but I was still wearing those rose colored glasses
thinking my situateion was different.

In Celebrate
Recovery we discuss our hurts, hang-ups, and habits. I think I am
over the hurts (I hope I can be used as a tool of healed people
heal people), I think I am half-way through the hang-ups (they get
us all) and I am working on new habits.

All in all I think
I am making a pretty good life for Cat and me and right now pretty
good is good enough. Thanks for letting me ramble. Mary, anytime
you want to post to me I will value your opinions and insight. We
have been through it together. You, Doris Day, and I all started
about the same time. I sometimes wonder about her. I am glad you
are still here with me.

Bitsy

June 27, 2010
12:00 am
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bevdee
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" can
one make a rule that they are entitled to criticize but become
enraged when they get criticized in return?" I dunno. I don't think
i understand your question. Are you talking about yourself and the
path you are choosing for your "recovery?"

"Isn't part of
healing from codependency letting go of the need to control
others?" I suppose - it might be part of healing from codep to let
go of the notion that everyone is trying to control us.

" Not to offer
unsolicited advice?" True - this becomes quite the sticky wicket on
this forum. I've seen it happen that someone posts on open threads
on a public forum, and gets told it's none of their
business.

"I suppose it
depends on which doctrine one chooses to follow or what path they
choose to take towards their recovery." Sure- as with
anything.

June 27, 2010
12:00 am
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bevdee
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Hey
Destiny - " Keeping in mind the Thread that Sdesigns started on the
support side, how would you communicate using that as a guideline?"
personally, my sense of forum and thread etiquette is this - don't
paste stuff from other threads in a different one.

If you want to
talk about how it could be used as a guideline, I think it would be
perfectly proper and acceptable to talk about that in thread that
quotes site guidelines.

June 28, 2010
12:00 am
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_anonymous
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Bevdee- I do see where people start threads, then tell people
it is none of there business or get upset when someone responds. Or
start threads that exclude people. I agree with your forum and
thread etiquette.

June 28, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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From
DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS:

Tody I acknowledge
a deep respect for my own healing process.

Recovery take
time. I will be patient with my healing.

I will not cheat
myself of the necessary time it takes to go through my own grief.
Knowing that the only way to get through my pain is to go through
it, I will not become impatient.

To pretend that I
have never experienced real despair is to sabotage myself. I will
not participate in emotional dishonesty. I am assured that the
strength I need to get through my pain is already within me. I will
not ignore my emotions.

Today I will
entrust myself to (God) with a sure knowledge that my healing is
now taking place.

Bitsy: Healed
people heal people

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
12:00 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey
all,

This has been an
interesting thread. It shows me that I still need to work on
watching my words because words are powerful and can end up
attacking someone's character. I also want to work on being a
better listener.

June 28, 2010
12:00 am
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bevdee
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Now
Mary,

I have this
suspicion that if you and Destiny go at it long enough, yall would
miss each other when one of you is gone. There are a couple of
posters that I used to go at it tooth and nail with, but it's from
them I learned the most.. There's lessons lived, and lessons on a
page, know what I mean?

And Miss Mary -
it's good to see you posting again, too- even if it's just a cameo
appearance. :~)

June 28, 2010
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_anonymous
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marypoppins- you said "I think lately you have been
experiencing what I did with Destiny". For the sake of your own
recovery you should try taking care of yourself. Why dont you leave
the past in the past and move on?

June 28, 2010
12:00 am
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marypoppins
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Hmmm.
Seems to me that running from thread to thread telling people to
focus on their own recovery is NOT focusing on your OWN recovery.
Control, control, control. Oh, well.

June 28, 2010
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What
is unique about this forum is that we don't have to "stay on topic"
and stay focused on ourselves. We are free here to express our
thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

If I only want my
own opinion I can go look in the mirror in the bathroom and talk to
myself.

Yes I need to
focus on my own recovery but going to another thread and making
snide comments about this thread isn't helpful to
anyone.

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
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marypoppins
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What
happened, Bitsy?

June 28, 2010
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Apparently I am unoriginal in that I copied and pasted three of
the first posts here. It is over on the support side. I just
considered the source.

Hurt people hurt
people and healed people heal people.

That might be my
new motto. It is kind of catchy. No?

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
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It IS
catchy. Yes, truly, consider the source. You have established who
you are on this site already, and your reputation is secure. No
need to get caught up in trying to defend yourself or jump through
hoops for anyone. Take care, Bitsy!

Mary

June 28, 2010
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marypoppins
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I
should say that your STELLAR reputation is secure.

June 28, 2010
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MsGuided
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Thanx
for this thread (((Bitsy)))

Lots of good Meat
n Potatoes recovery stuff is being posted and it's great to see
people are trying to focus on that and be honest about
themselves.

Destiny. There
seems to be past conflicts that people still want to sort out with
you and you're just avoiding or accusing.

I can see you are
hurt from the past here, are trying to remedy things by
contributing, and, like all of us have isues at home that are
stressful to deal with. I'm not trying to bash u or cause more
hurt.

Here's one of my
experiences with you. ( besides when we attempted to find common
ground about world issues)

A while back a
poster who had been absent a long time popped in my thread. She
stated she was having trouble, a potential abusive situation (
well, that had been ongoing and still, after a yr, the same
person/stalker/abuser with her)AND she wanted to hide in the thread
with my nic in the title, by reaching out to posters that used to
visit "the sex" thread. Looking for safe haven?

I saw it as not
being responsible for her life, or decisions and trying to dump it
somewhere else.

You and her began
discussing your STBX issues, that revolved around abuse and
addiction.

I felt it was
rude. My thread isn't focused on domestic abuse or addiction issues
and i wasn't directly asked to help. After about 6 months of not
posting it just has to be there for her cause she wanted it? Then
and there NOW! If she needed a "haven" then perhaps it was time to
stop engaging with her forever STBX, and stop giving him power over
her life? I mean he wasn't living with her anymore. U guys just
started going on about yourselves. It's like going to a restaurant
with your own food. Taking up a table with a friend and spending
time on the restaurants "dime" ( plates, linen, taking up a table
from paying customers, using the Bathroom) then getting angry when
you're asked to move on?!!!She should of started her own thread, or
perhaps joined in one that deals with those issues.

Taking things for
granted, not respecting others boundaries is what i
felt.

I posted a thread
on support apologizinfg to you, after i so "coldly" rejected u
guys. If i hurt your feelings. I stated I'm just not ready or able
to help with your issues at that time. You didn't respond
whatsoever.

It is my right to
set boundaries and tell people i don't want to get involved. I'm
not here for domestic abuse, sexual abuse or addiction issues. I
don't like coddling women who put themselves in harms way, over and
over and over. If i want to contribute in these areas i join a
thread that has that as the focus. And i do it when i know I'm not
going to be harsh about it.

Thing is I walked
in the shoes of the abused and i had to do the hard work myself to
get out. I did it promptly and didn't waver. I really felt i didn't
have a right to impose my problems, MY DRAMA on others unless i was
willing to STOP the abuse. I went to a Shelter, lost friends, had
to deal with the broken fiances of that relationship, got judged by
others, went through a yr of court took the dive into poverty and
be judged for that. I got out before i became a part of the abuse,
or exposed my son longterm, and played the perennial victim. I
really got the concept of "u can't help those who don't help
themselves".....so that's where i stand.

It is anyones
right on these Boards to request that the theme of their thread be
respected. Social policing can be done in a fare and honest way.
It's all proper boundary exercise and practice. Common
Courtesy.Things a lot of us didn't learn within dysfunctional
families. Some families leave us more wounded and blocked from
learning these basic skills.

Some of our
families were total Chaos!

You can try and
deflect by using the words "Flame and troll" to fend off a
percieved attack. MP is an actual poster you had a lot of conflict
with and perhaps she is pushing for growth? Not trying to hurt you,
but help you?

To me there is a
reason you keep running into the same trouble.

I don't dislike u
Destiny. We actually have a lot in common. YOur lifestyle I have
the utmost respect for. Honestly I do!

People don't have
to open their doors to everything, all the time. Receiving a "no"
graciously, along with the yes's is a part of life.

When ya get more
yes's you realize you're doing something right!

I need to learn
the same things Destiny. I'm not always going to be welcomed if i
don't practice common courtesy.

AND i don't do
everything right on AAC either.

June 28, 2010
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Bravo! MsG.

I do hope this
thread helps more than it harms. That is my intention
anyway.

Bitsy

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