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Hurt People Hurt People
July 3, 2010
8:56 am
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Its not only hurt people who hurt.
Its bad people, often desguising themselves as hurt people, who do the most damage(I would think).

How do you tell the difference.

I have been to the sites on Narcissism, Malignant N's and all...
They seem to be everywere.

July 3, 2010
9:29 am
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Bitsy,

Thanks again for this article.

I'm still not balanced in this area. Before, I used to get really angry and rage. I worked on getting rid of that behavior. Now I almost question myself too much so I don't revert back to the rages. I'm looking forward to the day when I can process this better.

July 3, 2010
9:46 am
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Hello guys and dolls, I am glad this thread is still going and that people are finding healing. Formerly, yes. Bad people intentionally hurt people, but in some ways they had to be damaged themselves to turn into the bad people they are.

Lanigirl, I answered your question on the other side. Not sure if it was a question or statement, but I told you what I thought.

From Positive Affirmations for
Adult Children of Alcoholics July 5 meditation:

AS A HELPER, I RECOGNIZE THE HEALING POWER IN ALL,

Every so often, the enormity and complexity of my work give me the impression that there is little I can really do to help other people. I may become frustrated and overwhelmed with the problems of others. And, with this powerlessness, I may become controlling.

As a helper, I must not lose sight of the fact that I am not a guru-I am a catalyst. It is not my job to provide others with "The Answers"/ Rather, I can be a powerful change agent, providing others with opportunities to discover their own solutions.

When I impose my beliefs on my clients, I inhibit the growth process. I can and will allow othrs the dignity of self-discovery. If others disagree or choose alternatives that I don't agree iwth, I will not become enraged at their disobedience.

I believe in the inherent beauty and strength in all human beings, and I will not assume that I know what is best for everyone. Instead, I will model decisiveness, strength, security, and inner peace that will reverberate to those around me.

Wow! Powerful words for me to hear. Just this week at long time (20years) friend of mine called with a real estate question. She is an agent with another company. The company is falling apart and asked the last agent who earned a commission if they could pay her on installments. My friend was frustrated with a couple she had been working with. By the time we got off the phone, I was meeting her clients to write the offer up myself, knowing my company could pay the commission, sending her on an interview with another company, and calling the broker of the other company to tell her my friend was on the way. How come it is so much easier to fix other peoples problems rather than our own?

Bitsy

July 3, 2010
11:01 pm
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Just wanted to bum this up for anyone who may not have seen today's post. The first post are the most important in my opinion.

Be well everyone. Goodnight.

Bitsy

July 5, 2010
7:50 pm
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I am so depressed about the oil, the economy, everything. I am sorry, but I've nothing left to give...

Bitsy

July 5, 2010
10:09 pm
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Yes you do, a great deal.

Every time you separate your garbage and use the recycle bin you are giving. Every time you purchase items from companies that use recycled material you are giving. When you take the time to drive items to a thrift store instead of puting in the trash for the landfills, you are giving. When you sign petitions (you signed the anti whaling petition Bitsy and we son!!!), you are giving. Every time you pick up trash plastic aluminum and cigarette butts when at the beach or park, when you dispose of paint and used oil appropriately, when you head to the polls to vote, you are giving.

so much more, that seems so small, we can do, and we are giving. You might not have 5 million dollars to purchase a boat like the Bob barker for the Sea Shepherd Crew, you might not have the authority to clean up the oil spill.

But you've a great deal to give.

Those who don't care, those who throw in the towel and stop caring, they take, because the world suffers the loss of all they have to give.

(((Bitsy)))

July 6, 2010
8:09 am
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Thank you Andii, I just can't describe what it does to me that I feel like no one cares about the oil gushing. I was online reading some of the news sites and people are still blaming George Bush for this. By tht logic we need to go back and blame Bill Clinton, Bush 1, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, etc. I just want to go bang my head against a wall. I am so frustrated. DO SOMETHING.

Bitsy

July 6, 2010
11:12 am
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That was a great post, andii. What do I do? I give my old clothes to nursing homes. If they're too messed up, I save the buttons, and try to save what fabric I can to put in a quilt.

There is no recycling pick-up here. We have to drive our cans to the can man. I save soup (tin) cans and take them out there, too. They bring in around the same amount as soda cans. If I pick something in a plastic container, I look at the container to see if it can be re-used. Kibbles n Bits have a great plastic gallon container with handles. I use them to store water in, give some of them to WranglerB to scoop chicken feed out of the bins. Some lunch meat and cheeses come in plastic tubs that have lids, so I use those over and over, cause I carry my meals to work. Taking a lesson from my Gramma, I save bread wrappers to use as baggies. That saves me money, and helps the earth a little. I re-use jars. I make salsa and use them to store it in.

I don't litter. I quit using so much bleach. It's little stuff, but done collectively, it can make a difference.

July 6, 2010
12:06 pm
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Thanks guys for helping me out of a low spot. I went and logged on to Flylady and started getting my house in order. Not as bad as I thought it was.

I am going to get back on my realage meal plan. I feel kind of bloated from the past few weeks.

I guess I was just having one of those "glass is half empty" moments.

Bitsy

July 6, 2010
7:12 pm
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Thanks bevdee! I hadn't thought about saving buttons. Wish I had the talen to quilt!

Bitsy, I have the glass half empty moments, too. This oil spill is just plain overwhelming to say the least. The damage is Epic and will surely change the Gulf coast economy and wildlife if not forever, for a very long time. It certainly does seem that all efforts are futile, like we're just throwing sand at the tide. Seems for every thousands of gallons cleaned up thousands more pour out. I wonder if it's pouring out faster than it's being cleaned up.

Blaming is a pointless waste of energy IMO. For now, it needs to get fixed, and then afterwards, we need to learn from this so as not to repeat.

andii

July 6, 2010
8:31 pm
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Thanks Andii, I just can't explain how I feel...pointless? Listless? I don't know...

Bitsy

July 7, 2010
12:13 am
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I feel many things about it all Bitsy. But mostly, sad. My heart just breaks. Over and over and over again.

(((Bitsy)))

July 7, 2010
3:01 am
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Yeah, but wth am I going to do with 6 count em 6 quart jars of buttons? I think they look cool in the clear jar. My Gramma re-used hers!! I wish I still had the patience to sew my own clothes. I just don't any more.

As for quilting? I do squares on the machine. I use old jeans. I recently took 3 quilt tops to the shop to have them quilted. I pulled my denim one out, told them what I wanted - light batting, brushed denim back. They measured out the brushed denim, put the work order on it, and slid it to the side. Then I pulled out my B-day gift - 2 tops quilted in the 1930s. My mom got them at an auction. They oohed and aahed. One of the quilterladies put her palms to her cheeks, and cooed, "oh bless her HEART!!!" The other one said,"tiny piecework" They were admiring the tiny tiny hand stitching. Nothin about my very functional quilt with the 5 inch squares!!! I was so proud of it, too - all my intersections lined up!! It was all straight!! Nope - not a word. No bless my heart or nothin...

July 7, 2010
11:16 am
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Bitsy --

I don't think anything has happened to this Nation since 9/11 which has affected Americans this intensely and personally. WE DO CARE. We are outraged, frustrated, heartbroken, overwhelmed and scared.

This is a crisis BEYOND our capacity to solve. And -- directly or indirectly -- it is impacting each and every citizen of this country.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Not by a long shot. We are all in this nightmare together.

- Ma

July 7, 2010
5:01 pm
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Thank you. Ma, I have just been overwhelmed.

Bitsy

July 8, 2010
3:24 am
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(((Bitsy)))

June 26, 2010
12:00 am
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Hurt
People, Hurt People By John Alston Dec 13, 2005, 10:36

Email this article
Printer friendly page "Hurt people, hurt people." In other words,
people who hurt others with their actions and words are people who
are hurting inside themselves! When someone lashes out at another
person, they are expressing their hurt in a destructive and
irresponsible manner. Feelings of hurt and pain are normal parts of
everyday life. Therefore, it is important to find solutions to our
problems that are constructive and responsible in order to enjoy
the pleasures that life has to offer, as well.

Feelings never
tell us what to do. They only tell us that something requires our
attention. So negative feelings can play a positive role in our
lives. We must put ourselves in control of the painful emotions
rather than be controlled by them. The first step in taking control
is to ask the question, "What is causing these
feelings?"

Sometimes the
cause of the feelings is from recent events-job loss or health
decline. Other times, the cause is a manifestation of negative
emotion from long ago-unresolved issues of adolescence. Take the
time to ask the question, think, and seek answers. This is
important whether you are the one who is angry or the one who is on
the receiving end of an angry person's wrath.

If you are angry
and find yourself hurting others, here are some things that should
help you deal with your feelings in a more constructive
way:

1. Be mindful that
you are entitled to the full range of feelings that life has to
offer, one of which is pain. Make up your mind that you are not
entitled to hurt others with those feelings. It is normal to feel
pain. It is unacceptable to inflict it.

2. Take note of
what makes you want to act ugly, sullen, and resentful. Is there a
pattern? Do your assumptions about people and life need adjustments
so that you're not so upset by (often unrelated or minor)
irritants?

3. Remain current
with your feelings and needs. Don't put off taking care of
yourself. Feel pain, acknowledge it, and search for solutions.
Reactions that are solution-oriented help you find good ways to
deal with hurt.

4. Change you
attitude about hurt. This allows you to avoid hurt in the first
place. By this, I don't mean you should avoid things that make you
feel bad. Adopt a personal policy not to let negative emotion
control you. When you decide to take control, pain can't fester
into an uncontrollable monster.

5. Don't choose
the pain. I hate to say this, but some people hurt, because they
choose to hurt. They decide that something is worth suffering over
and believe that they need to "dwell here now." That's not to say
that you should no longer discriminate between right and wrong.
However, be more discriminating about that on which you're willing
to expend mental energy.

6. Approach people
and situations with patience and understanding. This causes you to
slow down and act less impulsively. Imagine that a child spills
milk at the table and an adult goes bonkers. The adult hasn't
stopped to think about the fact that when children are growing up,
the latter are clumsy at different developmental stages by nature,
and that the spilt milk was not intentional or the result of
laziness.

7. Look for
non-destructive ways to express your anger. Being current, as
previously mentioned, is one way. Others include, but are not
limited to, taking slow deep breaths, biting your tongue, holding
in your stomach, counting to ten, meditating, contemplating and
praying. All of us do better when we control our impulses when
expressing anger.

If you're someone
who finds yourself in a hurt person's line of fire, you need some
tools to manage their feelings as well as your own. Some options
include:

1. Let them vent.
Listen to their frustrations before you speak or act. Never
interrupt, because until you hear their story, you know nothing.
Find out as much as you can about the source of their pain and
you'll know why they're angry.

2. Assess your
level of responsibility in causing their pain. If you are directly
involved, take responsibility and make things right. However, often
you will find that you are not the target or cause of the pain. If
you were just in the right place at the right time, don't take it
personally.

3. Adopt an
attitude of forgiveness. Try to understand that when people are
hurt, they don't always think clearly and they say things that they
don't really mean. It's easy to be consumed with reciprocal anger,
so avoid the urge by forgiving them.

4. Be mindful of
how you respond to them. The goal is to make things better, not
worse. Sometimes they just want someone to acknowledge their pain.
You can do so by saying something like, "I don't know just what to
do to help you right now, but I want you to know how sorry I am
about this."

5. Take control of
your own feelings. Don't give up your power to them by allowing
their words to control the way you respond. Their pain, even when
directed at you, does not define you.

Hurt people can
only hurt others if allowed to do so. With adults, know that you
can judge the size of a person by the size of the things that they
allow to make them angry. Yes, we've all had initial feelings of
hurt as the result of others' actions and words. But, when we take
a moment to really look at the situation, all of us have the power
to draw the line and refuse to accept another's hurt.

Remember that
people say and do boneheaded things from time to time without
thinking. People forget, lose their tempers, underachieve by our
standards, break promises, cheat, lie and do other things that
disappoint us. Make allowances for people's differences. Human
beings make errors. Values amongst us are varied. If you keep your
standards very high, you are subject to be more sensitive around
people with low standards. If you have low standards, you will feel
offended and slighted by those who have high standards. That said,
the bottom line is this: when someone is hurting someone else, they
are acting from a place of pain and hurt. Diminish the hurt to make
room for enrichment. Instead of hurt people hurting people, you
then have enriched people enriching people.

* * *

John Alston, CSP,
CPAE is an internationally known Performance Strategist whose
programs have lifted the spirits of millions of people worldwide.
He works with people who want to improve their lives, and with
organizations who encourage personal achievement and character
development. Even off the platform, John's insights captivate
audiences through four books he's authored: Life is a Gift, Don't
Trash It; Talking with Teens in Turbulent Times; Goodness Must Be
Taught; and his latest, Stuff Happens (Then You Fix It!). For more
information about John Alston, visit his website at
http://www.JohnAlston.com

© Copyright by
JohnAlston.com

Bitsy

June 26, 2010
12:00 am
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When
wounds layer 25 CommentsWritten by Anthony BradleyJune 16, 10:57
AMA very wise man told me recently that at some point in life most
people experience pain inflicted by others. Some experience being
hurt deeply multiple times. My sage friend cautioned me against the
idea that forgiving those who hurt me makes the pain disappear.
It’s quite the opposite, he says. Past wounds hurt us. They affect
us deeply. Over time we get better at handling pain, but it is rare
that offenses that hurt us are simply forgotten. To make matters
worse, new offenses at the hands of others stack on top of past
hurts. The layering of wounds can lead to hypersensitivity or
callousness. Time does not heal all wounds. Not even “the Gospel”
makes the pain disappear. The presence of the Trinity, however, is
actively at work to give a proper framework for living with pain
caused by others.

The wounds we
receive eventually develop scabs in most cases. These scabs,
however, are so fragile that additional experiences of pain can set
us off when they irritate past hurtful experiences. We can respond
irrationally and often fail to connect the dots between our
reactions and our past. Because this wound layering happens to all
of us, if we’re honest, it gives us permission to see people who
hurt us in a new light. Perhaps the person who hurt you acted out
in sinful response to past pain. This is not an excuse but it may
help render the offending person not to be as gutless as
imagined.

“I’m not your
mother so don’t direct your anger at me,” calmly says Sarah,
Brent’s wife. Sarah and Brent were in the middle of an argument
about something relatively minor. Brent, becoming increasingly
angry and irrational, began to yell at his wife. Knowing that her
husband was raised in a home with an emotionally abusive mother,
she looked at him and reminded him that his overreaction was tied
to his unresolved anger toward a mother who hurt him repeatedly. He
was yelling at his mother by yelling at Sarah. Sarah did not get
angry. This is an amazing woman. She saw her husband in light of
his layered wounds. In submission to his wife he confessed to her
accuracy, apologized, and repented.

This wise friend
helped me see that the severity of my reactions to new hurts
inflicted by others are related to old ones, just like Brent’s
initial reaction to his wife. My problem is that I often pursue a
sinful response rather than a response that drives me to God.
David, for example, was a man wounded and betrayed many times over.
In Psalm 69:29, David simply prays, “I am in pain and distress; may
your salvation, O God, protect.” David’s words encourage us to
place our wounds in His hands. God’s sovereignty over life’s issues
brings freedom.

Bitsy

June 26, 2010
12:00 am
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Quite
frankly I cannot stand the innuendo of "when certain people". Don't
fuel the fire that way. If someone has offended you say:

When Bitsy
said..... It hurt my feelings and I felt like she was really
picking on me and being mean. She knows how I react to (insert
situation here) and she did it anyway. I really feel like she owes
me and apology.

Don't say stuff
like there is an "amen corner" when we all know you must be talking
about Ma Strong. Or at least that is how I read it. I may be wrong
on that one and willing to admit it.

If I have hurt
your feelings tell me. I will either apologize or will say I am
sorry what I wrote touched a nerve, this is what I
meant.

This isn't middle
school people and we aren't the Mean Girls movie.

Bitsy

June 26, 2010
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THIS
IS THE ONE I WAS LOOKING FOR

1. Hurt people
hurt people ________________________________________ Hurt people
hurt people.

Lately we’ve seen
that pain in the words and actions of several members on the
boards. A lot of it takes place behind the scenes too.

Hurt people hurt
people.

Others act out
their pain differently, but it can be equally antagonizing and
disruptive, in spite of their “good” intentions. The attention
they/we hunger for is a flimsy band-aid on a serious
wound.

Hurt people hurt
people.

I cringe when I
read some of the words people post here. Not only am I hurting for
their targets, but I hurt for the person shooting the arrows. They
obviously don’t realize how much of their soul they’re revealing by
what they say.

It’s as though
they slash their wrists and allow their blood to seep through the
forums. It’s painful to watch.

Hurt people hurt
people.

There is a
beautiful quote from the late Mother Teresa, “If we have no peace,
then we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” I think about
that quote often lately. Then I remember:

Hurt people hurt
people.

~ What people say
about you reveals more about them than it does about you. ~ A wise
woman

2. Forgiveness”. I
heard this quote several years ago, probably 10 years ago and it
has always stuck with me. When people are hurting, they end up
hurting others if they do not deal with their hurt or heal in the
right way in their lives.

When people become
bitter, resentful, vengeful, angry with hate, or they have been
hurt by abuse, divorce, neglect, betrayal, etc…it can bring about
behavior that is not only not healthy, but ends up hurting those
trying to help or hurting those close to us. We not only push
people away who care, but we treat them very harsh, even to the
point where we ruin relationships because of our behavior and
attitude.

People can’t help
us when we won’t help ourselves. People won’t stick around forever
if they are constantly being yelled at, taken for granted, treated
unfairly, or pushed away when all they are trying to do is help and
be there. It’s a vicious cycle, that won’t break until we do
something about it. We will continue to have broken relationships,
whether that is dating, marriages, or friendships because of our
unhealthy hurting behavior. We will continue to hurt people,
especially those we love and who love us until we deal with and get
help for our hurts.

It can mean stop
avoiding your pain and start dealing with it. It can mean finally
confronting or forgiving someone who hurt you. It may mean going
and talking to a counselor or getting therapy. It may mean that you
need to seek God and get serious about your faith and allow God to
heal you and help you overcome your hurt. It means stop taking out
your pain on those who did not cause the pain. It means stop making
yourself and others miserable. Get help. Seek help. Find help. Want
help.

I have been hurt
and I have hurt others, never intentionally, but even if we don’t
do it intentionally it doesn’t change the fact we hurt people. Most
people who are hurting don’t want to hurt others, push them away,
or be mean, but when your feelings and emotions are out of whack,
damaged, or remain un dealt with, they really cause chaos,
unstability, and a rollercoaster of reactions, emotions, feelings,
and behaviors.

I encourage
everyone today to stop hurting others by dealing with your hurts
today. I would say, healing people, heal people would be a better
quote. If we find healing, then we’ll have healed relationships and
we’ll help people instead of hurting them. We’ll get help instead
of hurting.

Bitsy

June 26, 2010
12:00 am
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I
read this twice...there is a lot here and thanks for posting it
bitsy... Its a lot to work on...some of it seems impossible... But
maybe slowly...yes...over a period of time...
Hopefully...

June 26, 2010
12:00 am
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Bitsy- In the name of focusing on our own recovery, I was
wondering how does this apply to you. What have you done to hurt
people? What have you done to stop it?

June 26, 2010
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Destiny, I don't understand your obsession with my recovery.
Have I hurt you? You sweep your side of the street and I will sweep
mine.

Bitsy

June 26, 2010
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Hey
BFgirl, good to see you back! Had to say that 🙂

Bitsy, I'm sorry
you can't stand the innuendo of "when certain people" but yeah,
when certain people post, i do step back. What can I say. Nope,
don't wanna confront them and so I'm not gonna. sorry about that.
🙂

andii

June 26, 2010
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Andii, I actually wanted to apologize to you for using that
quote. I remembered it, but couldn't remember who wrote it. I went
back and searched. It belonged to you. I do think for me (I am not
saying anyone else has to do it) that it is best to say "Andii,
when you said (blank) it hurt my feelings and I would like you to
clarify what you meant.

I do think saying
"certain people" confuses most of us. I personally am at a place of
"say what you mean and mean what you say" but that is just me. I
can't and won't try to control what you say and do. Each of us
heals at our own rate. These are MY boundaries and I cannot impose
them on you.

All is good with
me Andii and I hope you and I are good. Peace...

Bitsy

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