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Hurt People Hurt People
June 28, 2010
1:03 pm
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_anonymous
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marypoppins- you said "I think lately you have been experiencing what I did with Destiny". For the sake of your own recovery you should try taking care of yourself. Why dont you leave the past in the past and move on?

June 28, 2010
3:45 pm
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marypoppins
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Hmmm. Seems to me that running from thread to thread telling people to focus on their own recovery is NOT focusing on your OWN recovery. Control, control, control. Oh, well.

June 28, 2010
4:01 pm
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What is unique about this forum is that we don't have to "stay on topic" and stay focused on ourselves. We are free here to express our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

If I only want my own opinion I can go look in the mirror in the bathroom and talk to myself.

Yes I need to focus on my own recovery but going to another thread and making snide comments about this thread isn't helpful to anyone.

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
4:09 pm
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marypoppins
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What happened, Bitsy?

June 28, 2010
4:13 pm
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Apparently I am unoriginal in that I copied and pasted three of the first posts here. It is over on the support side. I just considered the source.

Hurt people hurt people and healed people heal people.

That might be my new motto. It is kind of catchy. No?

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
4:21 pm
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marypoppins
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It IS catchy. Yes, truly, consider the source. You have established who you are on this site already, and your reputation is secure. No need to get caught up in trying to defend yourself or jump through hoops for anyone. Take care, Bitsy!

Mary

June 28, 2010
4:23 pm
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marypoppins
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I should say that your STELLAR reputation is secure.

June 28, 2010
4:37 pm
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MsGuided
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Thanx for this thread (((Bitsy)))

Lots of good Meat n Potatoes recovery stuff is being posted and it's great to see people are trying to focus on that and be honest about themselves.

Destiny. There seems to be past conflicts that people still want to sort out with you and you're just avoiding or accusing.

I can see you are hurt from the past here, are trying to remedy things by contributing, and, like all of us have isues at home that are stressful to deal with. I'm not trying to bash u or cause more hurt.

Here's one of my experiences with you. ( besides when we attempted to find common ground about world issues)

A while back a poster who had been absent a long time popped in my thread. She stated she was having trouble, a potential abusive situation ( well, that had been ongoing and still, after a yr, the same person/stalker/abuser with her)AND she wanted to hide in the thread with my nic in the title, by reaching out to posters that used to visit "the sex" thread. Looking for safe haven?

I saw it as not being responsible for her life, or decisions and trying to dump it somewhere else.

You and her began discussing your STBX issues, that revolved around abuse and addiction.

I felt it was rude. My thread isn't focused on domestic abuse or addiction issues and i wasn't directly asked to help. After about 6 months of not posting it just has to be there for her cause she wanted it? Then and there NOW! If she needed a "haven" then perhaps it was time to stop engaging with her forever STBX, and stop giving him power over her life? I mean he wasn't living with her anymore. U guys just started going on about yourselves. It's like going to a restaurant with your own food. Taking up a table with a friend and spending time on the restaurants "dime" ( plates, linen, taking up a table from paying customers, using the Bathroom) then getting angry when you're asked to move on?!!!She should of started her own thread, or perhaps joined in one that deals with those issues.

Taking things for granted, not respecting others boundaries is what i felt.

I posted a thread on support apologizinfg to you, after i so "coldly" rejected u guys.
If i hurt your feelings. I stated I'm just not ready or able to help with your issues at that time. You didn't respond whatsoever.

It is my right to set boundaries and tell people i don't want to get involved. I'm not here for domestic abuse, sexual abuse or addiction issues. I don't like coddling women who put themselves in harms way, over and over and over. If i want to contribute in these areas i join a thread that has that as the focus.
And i do it when i know I'm not going to be harsh about it.

Thing is I walked in the shoes of the abused and i had to do the hard work myself to get out. I did it promptly and didn't waver. I really felt i didn't have a right to impose my problems, MY DRAMA on others unless i was willing to STOP the abuse. I went to a Shelter, lost friends, had to deal with the broken fiances of that relationship, got judged by others, went through a yr of court took the dive into poverty and be judged for that. I got out before i became a part of the abuse, or exposed my son longterm, and played the perennial victim.
I really got the concept of "u can't help those who don't help themselves".....so that's where i stand.

It is anyones right on these Boards to request that the theme of their thread be respected. Social policing can be done in a fare and honest way. It's all proper boundary exercise and practice. Common Courtesy.Things a lot of us didn't learn within dysfunctional families. Some families leave us more wounded and blocked from learning these basic skills.

Some of our families were total Chaos!

You can try and deflect by using the words "Flame and troll" to fend off a percieved attack. MP is an actual poster you had a lot of conflict with and perhaps she is pushing for growth? Not trying to hurt you, but help you?

To me there is a reason you keep running into the same trouble.

I don't dislike u Destiny. We actually have a lot in common. YOur lifestyle I have the utmost respect for. Honestly I do!

People don't have to open their doors to everything, all the time. Receiving a "no" graciously, along with the yes's is a part of life.

When ya get more yes's you realize you're doing something right!

I need to learn the same things Destiny.

I'm not always going to be welcomed if i don't practice common courtesy.

AND i don't do everything right on AAC either.

June 28, 2010
5:07 pm
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Bravo! MsG.

I do hope this thread helps more than it harms. That is my intention anyway.

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
6:14 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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MSG -

not for nothing, but there is no THEME to your thread - period...I kinda guessed at who you were talking about - and went back and read your thread - which goes back TWO YEARS - and rambles about alot of different personal issues back and forth between a select group of people.

This IS a public forum, for starters.

Secondly, if I was looking to say "hello" to SD, or Lolli, I would go looking for them and drop in on a thread....IF that thread was a run-on thing (like the sex thread used to be), I can't see how it's hijacking a thread.

You cannot, in a public forum, restrict who posts what...sometimes the original intent of a post evolves into something COMPLETELY different - which is fine on many levels....and if you, the original poster, want to bring it back to the original intent, you have the power to steer it back there, reasonably and politely.

But I saw NO "theme" other than run-on ramblings and rants about everyone's day to day/week to week issues....love, sex, money, legal issues, etc.

You likened it to sitting in a restaurant, taking up space at the restaurants dime.

This is a FREE and PUBLIC forum - nobody's "dime" is being wasted here...it's not different than sitting at the park, taking up a bench for hours at a time...sure it may be polite to get up and let someone else use it, but there is no law saying how long you can stay...it's a public place.

Anyway, you struck a nerve with me...and to top it off, your post here had not much to do with the original THEME of THIS post, or did I miss something?

And the reason this struck a nerve was that it could very well have been ME you were posting about...and to also bring up an old issue you have with a poster on THIS thread is like talking behind her back...bad form.

gotta run...just my two cents.

June 28, 2010
6:25 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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and on some level - your post DID have a "theme" of addiction and abuse - as SD went on for a long time about her AA meetings (tho I don't see her as an alcoholic), and she WAS abused, albeit by a stranger.

You guys went on for a long time supporting her on this - so how is that not part of your "theme"?...just different variation in my mind.

June 28, 2010
7:25 pm
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bevdee- you have a kind way of putting things.

June 28, 2010
7:31 pm
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andii
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"Bitsy: Healed people heal people"

It IS catchy! 🙂 And I think it's true. When done by example.

andii

June 28, 2010
7:36 pm
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Thanks I am working on it.

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
7:49 pm
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rising- You are an intelligent stand up woman who spent a great deal of your time helping me out in the past. I really appreciate that about you. I am really proud of you!

June 28, 2010
7:54 pm
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MSG- I have never disliked you either. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

June 28, 2010
8:12 pm
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MsGuided
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rising..no actual theme? Somewhat true. Well there were a few and it involved the issues that were in our lives. OUR similar Family Conflicts, abandonment, Working out NO Contact, relationship issues, WORK issues, present problems that pop up and I posted about my partner and son.

U just included Sd's posts in your summation too.Everyone that contributed there.

One thing I'll never do is disrespect what she posted. The rambling, lite stuff or the painful stuff. That would be pretty f'd up.

From your post My thread falls under the category "Not Important." Tripe i suppose.

So it "runs on", rambles at times. So what?

TYVM for your lovely summations.I think I'll crawl under a rock now.

NOT LIKELY! :o)

I didn't start it. Didn't try to control it all the time either. There were times that the stress in my life transfered to my posts and appeared insensitive.

But the situation i posted about was one time i needed to say something.

I wasn't talking behind Destinys back. I posted to her here where she is contributing. I posted to her directly back then. I didn't and haven't done anything clandestine in regards to her.

Ha! it does fit with the theme. Hurt people Hurt people. Trying to learn better. It's really difficult to work out conflicts in this forum without it spiralling into bad feelings. I am sticking my neck out.

( it's wonderful to see how others who aren't involved react)

It has nothing to do with you 'cept you feel a need to put me in my place with your 2 cents?

(Gee I'm so glad i don't shit on peoples lives like u did mine here.)

Lots of that going on lately and it isn't aimed at helping either.

You did miss something VERY important and it is the glue to having a better life in general.

I spoke of boundaries and they exist EVERYWHERE. Here and the outside world.This place doesn't function on the Chaos you romanticise about.

Public Forum? That doesn't transplate into Realm of Chaos! LMAO

Post anything, anyhwere, anytime? WTF is that? Yea it happens but it usually gets checked. It doesn't go on long and isn't encouraged. Not anywhere.

You want to interpret my post as some ego trip, or total lack of perception go right ahead. Take this opportunity to say " your life doesn't matter". It mattered enough to you to get angry with me.

I posted about something that happened between us. Destiny and I. Took a risk for clarification or growth. because she is contributing on this thread.

I admitted i need to work on the same issues at the end of that post.

YOU haven't posted on this thread til now. Just airing a grudge about something that didn't involve YOU! You wanted to run with it as if it were you. It ISN'T. The fact that you get triggered isn't my fault.

It makes me wonder where that all comes from?

Deal with your stuff here and I'll deal with mine. Is there any vulnerable stuff posted by you recently? or u showed yer soft belly a long time ago and grew out of that?

It's all good times now?Fun at our expense. U think about that sistah!

I guess those who are here now, exposing our weakness are up for critisism and scrutiny from those who "bin there done that?" AND we can't attempt to deal with past conficts with the involved parties?

yea. you run. Stay the F out of it.

If Destiny wants to give me shit I'll take it cause I may deserve it. I haven't heard how she percieved that situation and want her to tell me. That is completley above board and honest. Better than lurking and striking ONLY when there is conflict?

Bitsy? If she doesn't like what i posted she'll say so. At least with these two i have formed some relation.

BUT YOU!? U never posted to or with me, never offered support. I wasn't involved or watched your threads. I don't really know you. I'm not that controlling or paranoia

I find it interesting that some of the people who posted their issues here in the past, made their mistakes, are passing such harsh judgement on whats going on now.

When i joined here i witnessed old grievances being aired and people trying to work it out. I saw some members make comments about how the "new" posters are ruining things.

Ruining what? I came in when anonymity was a rule. YOU and many others were here when it wasn't.

Lots from that time still post here and I don't see any grudges or indication they lurk, waiting to strike.

Seems our hands are tied from making contact now and that does leave the communication wanting. Kindof gives us truly anonymous folk a disadavantage in a way.

Lots of "you" who don't invest much lately but like to hit 'n run with not so subtle grudges to feed? You just gotta give someone the boots and that person is me?LOL

For us posters who came later? Our issues just don't hold a candle or the value ya'll shared in the past. YOU come back and post to the oldtimers. That's IT!?

Oh yea. And put people like me in my "place".

I'll leave it to you to figure out why you react to me this way.It's purely my fault.

Good luck with that.

June 28, 2010
8:14 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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also - for further clarification - you said "I saw it as not being responsible for her life, or decisions and trying to dump it somewhere else".

I am also a "victim" of being stalked online - the ONLY responsibility I had in that situation was choosing him. After that, HIS actions, HIS decisions, HIS behaviors, HIS stalking was HIS responsibility - NOT MINE.

How can a person take responsibility for being stalked online????

Yes, I made a bad decision by choosing him, as did soulsister (let's not beat around the bush). But it ends there.

If you meant she was choosing B again, after his past record...well, many of us here have done it - over and over again - if we hadn't - we may not have a reason to be here. Many of us are "victims" of our own bad choices - choices we are working hard to change. Me and soul included. I spent many days trying to get soul to see the potential for disaster (as many did for me when I was in the same boat) - and sometimes you just gotta wade thru the shit to see what happens for yourself. It's almost human nature. Many of us choose bad partners because we don't know any better. Many of us see the red flags (myself included) but gloss them over, ignore them, deny them, and so on. Destiny had a better outcome - some people don't. We all make bad choices in a lifetime - but we don't need our noses rubbed in it. Most of the time, we are living in the fallout of those choices and are WELL aware of the mistakes we made - and don't need to be held accountable for our actions.

The sex thread does not exist anymore - why resurect it?

From what I saw, your thread was VERY VERY similar to the sex thread - in sooooo many ways. Why would (or SHOULD) anyone NOT feel welcome to post there?

Trying to reconnect to a support group again, after an absence (which is probably in part due to shame and embarrassment over our choices - which should NEVER happen here), she was pushed aside for trying to reach out to the people she felt most comfortable with?

And don't we ALL do it? Didn't BFG just post about how she feels comfortable with some people but not others, yet because this is a public forum, has chosen not to post because of the inability to "hear" it from "all sides", good and bad, when someone outside her comfort zone posts.

We all want to feel welcome and "safe" here...for many the sex thread did that - including myself - and I think your attitude towards "MY" thread - "MY" theme - is unwarranted - and perhaps not even within guidelines (tho I am at a loss to cite anything specific, so don't ask).

I don't think ANYONE should feel ashamed, embarrassed or anything about choices they have made - or this site would NOT exist...we are all here to deal with it - and sometimes we just need the "safety" of people we feel comfortable with, knowing it's public and open to whatever else trickles (or storms) in.

Frankly, I don't see how she was "dumping it somewhere else" or not taking responsibility for it. She was stalked, so in that, she should not post anymore? or should she post and deal with the fallout, should her stalker continue to read and harrass her about it? curious what you think taking responsibility means in your mind.

Soul has not posted here for fear of criticism - and frankly, I have withheld information too - for the same reason - and it's a crying shame that this has to happen on any level.

I am very outspoken about this because, as I said before, this could easily have been me - and quite honestly (so nobody can sling it at me later) - I am close to soul and SD and lolli and H-gal and a few others - BECAUSE of the sex thread - I trust them and their opinions. Nobody EVER coddled me - EVER - especially Lolli!!!! - and I love them for it.

I do not NEED to come here anymore - I have my shit pretty well together - tho I have my days, like anyone. I come here now to pay it forward to all those that came before me and supported me while I made a royal freaking mess of my life....and I intend to stay and keep paying it forward.

Including defending those whose feelings get trampled on in the "spirit" of helpfulness.

You don't have to like my post here - nobody does - but it's something worth thinking about.

June 28, 2010
8:28 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh and one more thing - I have no grudges.

I have been vulnerable here - shown my soft belly - had it ripped apart - grew from the experience...been there done that.....but frankly, my issues these days are so trivial, they aren't worth talking about - I worked on my major issues - and I am working to deal with the small ones - but not on this board. It served its purpose when I needed it. As I said, I am just here to "help", and have had many people thank me for being there - but I can't expect you to know when all those times are or were.

And my post above had NOTHING to do with destiny and everything to do with soul - who was the one that was hurt by what went on....destiny stuck around and dealt with it - soul didn't. Destiny CAN speak for herself - Sould can too, but won't....too painful. And I know this because of the lack of anonymity once - of which I was part of (so nobody can dig that up and sling it around)....and it's sad to see things like that happen (people not feeling supported).

I did not trivialize anything on your thread - I only made mention that it was not titled anything except your nickname - which gave the thread NO direction, NO intent and NO focus - I never said it had no purpose or merit...I was on the sex thread - and tho it rambled, it was as valuable as any other thread here....and your contributions, your post, your opinions, your ideas all matter - just like the rest of us.

we all have our ideas, opinions and motives - nobody can take it away from us - and nobody can devalue it unless we let them. I wish everyone had the strength to continue to post when they are hurt, cuz that's when they need it most...but some don't have the courage - and other's lack the compassion (even I, who have my moments and perhaps am having one now).....it's sad to see them leave cuz of it.

I have no grudge, like I said...I don't know you....I don't follow anyone here....I read the posts when I can, contribute when I can, and in this case, I am only triggered because I know the parties involved and know how it affected them....I am just supporting those I care about.

sue me.

June 28, 2010
8:35 pm
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rising.

Sd's experience and life are not the same as Destinys or Soulsisters ( there's the other nic.)

Totally different context and the involvemnt in that thread was ongoing with her not them. It's not that simple or the same at all.

I don't feel good about what happened with Sd.I want to respect everything that was shared and revealed there. I said my door is open and I'm not gong to put her down just because we had a falling out.

I don't feel completely justified in how i dealt with SS and Destiny.
I am simply not that magnanimous, don't want to take on a rescuer or martyr role either. I am having issues with generosity and forgiveness.

You weren't involved, or contributing so your motives now come across as spiteful toward me.

TY Destiny. I just wanted to work a few things out. It is so damn hard on this forum sometimes.

TY Bitsy for letting things play out ;o)

I wish i had bevdees skills when it comes to that. LOL

I'm not healed yet. I never said i was.

June 28, 2010
8:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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No, nobody has the same experiences - however - we all have a need to feel safe, comfortable and wanted - and SD and soul have an undeniable connection due to the sex thread....and quite simply - she felt "safe" to jump in and post, reaching out to a familiar face - without realizing there was an unspoken rule about what was ok to post about and what wasn't...going back to lack of theme or title or obvious intent. Because destiny DID have a common ground - she posted in reply...but you have that worked out with them already.

as the title states - hurt people hurt people - we are all hurt on different levels - we all make mistakes - we all can learn from them if we try.

June 28, 2010
9:41 pm
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MsGuided
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Oh COME ON!

U can't pin SS's exit from here on me. NO WAY! Her fear, life history and reactions is my fault?

YOU came up with soulsisters nic BEFORE i did so you can spin, and deny you watched or read the MSG::: thread. U seem to know exactly who, what and when.

I didn't start the MSG::: thread so how do i get lambasted for the Sex threads demise? I entered when it was less active and people faded off. My fault? Nobody let me know i was a problem then. AT ALL!

So this is pure BS!

I didn't initiate the break off AND I was absent for all the bonding that took place between ya'll before.

It ran it's course AND it came to a hault when Hep and sd had their falling out. Sd started the MSG:: thread.

Figure out why, and if there was total goodwill there. I'm wondering myself.

SS's exit was due issues in her own life. Her own troubles she wasn't willing to deal with. So some of her troubles at home came here and "stalked" her. It wasn't pretty and I DID post to the stalkers to leave her alone. She left due to those issues and frankly, if she wanted help, almost 6 months later, after not posting here AT ALL then why didn't she post YOUR nic, or someone who was really supporting her for a long time?

So SS or you want to blame people here now? It's always somebody else. Time to wake up and realize her life is HERS, this is LIBS side, time to face her life and deal with it.

We all need to do that.

It's not up to me to fix it or take it on. I can't help that i wasn't here to imbibe the whole FRIKKEN HISTORY.

I think your expending a lot of energy, looking to blame me, or someone for something they are not responsible for.

It's not up to me to carry on EVERYTHING the sex thread created or mimic the support you all had ( sd, Honolulu, lolli ) I did offer support to all of them except when SS's situation felt like dumping on me, troubles she needs to deal with herself, or with someone who was there for her SOLID.

BTW. Only Destiny stepped in.

I just didn't want to take on SS's stuff and I suggested she start her own thread.

U can make excuses , protect her all you want, but she has to learn to protect herself! All this "sticking up for friends" is fine but some of it comes across as not respecting other peoples boundaries, who aren't invested in the same friends.

I don't have to take on everybodies problems on their terms when they want it.

THAT is healthy.

What is also healthy is keeping in mind this forum is about fixing our lives at home.Use the tools for HOME. I see a LOT of disrespect for those tools or gifts people offer sometimes.

Some peole want us to carry their whole LOAD! Not me. Forget it!

A whole other life is created here and becomes the most important thing? The importance is larger with YOU because anonymity hasn't kept you apart.

I am an anonymous poster, posting to others in the same boat.

That is not a level playing field at all.

Lots of us keep getting reminded of that.

June 28, 2010
10:56 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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MSG - gonna answer you point by point so I don't get off track...

Oh COME ON!

U can't pin SS's exit from here on me. NO WAY! Her fear, life history and reactions is my fault? YOU came up with soulsisters nic BEFORE i did so you can spin, and deny you watched or read the MSG::: thread. U seem to know exactly who, what and when****************I have only been back on AAC since later winter, and I don't follow all the threads - and when I am bored, I read old stuff. I only RECENTLY read SOME of your thread - but when you posted what you did here - I went back and reread it all - trying to figure out who you were talking about. I had read THIS post fast and did not see that you had addressed destiny. I knew right away that you were talking about soulsister, and before I said anything, wanted confirmation. I know her history and know her story with B - and wanted to make sure I had the facts straight - I NEVER read your thread before today.

I didn't start the MSG::: thread so how do i get lambasted for the Sex threads demise? I entered when it was less active and people faded off. My fault? Nobody let me know i was a problem then. AT ALL!****************WHERE did I lambaste you for the sex thread demise??? frankly, it died it's own death. The people who used it regularly faded away - some people came into it later, but eventually dropped off, and eventually SD was the only original member still posting. I don't even know WHAT went on to kill it totally - when it did die (when?? I don't know) it was when I was living my own life and had no internet access. A thread dies for many reasons - and I don't subscribe to the idea that people kill it. They die cuz it's their time - circle of life I guess.

So this is pure BS! I didn't initiate the break off AND I was absent for all the bonding that took place between ya'll before.******I NEVER said you were responsible for the ending of the thread. All I was referring to was how one thread ended and another picked up kinda where it left off....in some similar fasion, in my mind at least, even if not in yours. What got discussed was nothing different than the sex thread (and you CAN resurect it and read for yourself if you wanted).

SS's exit was due issues in her own life. Her own troubles she wasn't willing to deal with. So some of her troubles at home came here and "stalked" her. It wasn't pretty and I DID post to the stalkers to leave her alone. She left due to those issues and frankly, if she wanted help, almost 6 months later, after not posting here AT ALL then why didn't she post YOUR nic, or someone who was really supporting her for a long time?**********she didn't post MY nic because when she logged on, I was nowhere to be found, as I said, I have not been on this site since I lost internet connection - instead, she found SD...and SD DID support her all that time and continues to, so she reached out to the first familiar face she found....we both support her...in our own ways.

So SS or you want to blame people here now? It's always somebody else. Time to wake up and realize her life is HERS, this is LIBS side, time to face her life and deal with it. We all need to do that********SS is responsible for her own feelings. The only thing we can be responsible for is making someone feel welcome, safe and free to post....libs side or not - site guidelines are site guidelines.

It's not up to me to fix it or take it on. I can't help that i wasn't here to imbibe the whole FRIKKEN HISTORY**********no, nobody asked you to fix it, nor know her story - but you sure were quick to jump on her story, weren't you? and if you didn't know her whole FRIKKEN HISTORY, you sure did pass judgment rather quickly then. just sayin'. Someone came onto "your thread" (which now you are saying wasn't your thread but SD's - which makes this even more unbelievable) - and you set up "boundaries" because you felt she was intruding with non-theme oriented input that you felt was out of context of your two year long thread. And it wasn't even YOUR thread...how outragous is that????? amazing. You can set boundaries all you want - call it in the spirit of good mental health - but good boundaries are only as good as the spirit in which they were intended. Unless a post has a specific title or message, it can't possibly be "required" to stay on topic....especially if it goes on for two years. How can you expect to set a boundary over such a thing. If you didn't want to support destiny or soul in their situations, you could have easily just kept out of it and let those who wanted to help, do just that. You didn't have to approve, but you certainly didn't have to make someone feel unwelcome.

I think your expending a lot of energy, looking to blame me, or someone for something they are not responsible for.*****not expending any energy actually - this is nothing for me. Not looking to blame either...other than giving you a rebuttal - I don't even know what I am doing in this anymore. Other than giving you what you want - a good debate, and someone else for you to say is out to get you.

It's not up to me to carry on EVERYTHING the sex thread created or mimic the support you all had ( sd, Honolulu, lolli ) I did offer support to all of them except when SS's situation felt like dumping on me, troubles she needs to deal with herself, or with someone who was there for her SOLID.*********again, never said you were responsible for carrying on the sex thread - only that from where I sit, you DID carry it on, whether it was your intent or not...it happened. As far as the support we had - we all contributed as we saw fit, and nobody could expect anyone else to fill those shoes. Like I said, had I been here, I would have stepped in and perhaps you would have run me off too????

BTW. Only Destiny stepped in.**********so, had I stepped in, you would have treated me the same??? just curious.

I just didn't want to take on SS's stuff and I suggested she start her own thread. U can make excuses , protect her all you want, but she has to learn to protect herself! All this "sticking up for friends" is fine but some of it comes across as not respecting other peoples boundaries, who aren't invested in the same friends.************SS clearly had a valid reason for not wanting to start her own thread. A reason that others could respect, even when you don't. Her anonymity was compromised and not because of her own actions. And her choices followed her. And truthfully, I don't think there is a site out there she could post to and stay anonymous. If her stalker is anythign like mine, she would be found...period. She came her because she felt safe. I still do not "get" how she violated your boundaries because she posted on a thread NOT started by you??? The only "thread police" I am aware of is SC - and I don't remember a guideline that states one must stay on topic - and how to know what that topic is when there is no thread topic stated? You talk about boundaries, but again, I just not how this is a healthy boundary setting exercise?

I don't have to take on everybodies problems on their terms when they want it.************nobody asked you to - why not just let those who want to help, do, and step back for a moment?

THAT is healthy. What is also healthy is keeping in mind this forum is about fixing our lives at home.Use the tools for HOME. I see a LOT of disrespect for those tools or gifts people offer sometimes.*************as the title states - hurt people hurt people. It's gonna happen...it's that simple. There is alot of things this site is supposed to be about - but it often gets off track - but manages to survive another day - and some people actually get something good out of it and go on to be healthy, productive people. Quite honestly, many of us here could use a good round of qualified professional help. But that's not always possible for a variety of reasons. Some come here looking for answers, looking to identify with someone who has been thru the same, looking to identify what exactly IS wrong...to put a name to it. Many reasons - and there is no true way to manage it all without some pain happening. With growth comes pain.

Some peole want us to carry their whole LOAD! Not me. Forget it!******* do don't! I didn't ask you to carry Soul's load - just that you step back and allow someone else to pitch in when you won't, can't or don't want to...not run them off your thread in the spirit of setting boundaries. I know MANY times where I told soul that she needed to consider therapy and where I thought she might find good qualified help. I cautioned her about many of her situations. And then I let go and let her figure it out on her own. Just like lolli did for me when I got here. I didn't like it, but it was phrased in ways that made me evaluate things differently and realize she was right. Sometimes it was in hindsight. But I accepted my choices and decisions. You could have easily had your say, in a healthy manner, then backed off to protect your boundaries. Sometimes setting boundaries is about doing the right thing for yourself WITHOUT alot of fanfare and pomp and circumstance. Sometimes NOT announcing your boundary is just as effective as saying it. Could you have not gotten involved simply by staying out of it? and would it have avoided hurt feelings? probably. Would your thread been overrun by her issues? who knows...maybe maybe not..perhaps it would have spun off into another thread (like you suggested) once soul felt safe enough to do so.

A whole other life is created here and becomes the most important thing? The importance is larger with YOU because anonymity hasn't kept you apart.**********even when we were anonymous, nothing kept us apart - we made the effort to log on and stay abreast and continue to support eachother. my life here WAS the MOST important thing AT ONE TIME - before I breached anonymity. I was at my breaking point and this site was THE ONLY thing that kept me from committing myself to the psych ward - and that is NO joke, NO exaggeration and NO lie. What I learned here, LONG before this bond we have now, kept me from going over the edge.

I am an anonymous poster, posting to others in the same boat.*******and other than four or five people here, I am anonymous. I paid my dues for breaching it. I lost priveleges, but was allowed back. Even tho I have breached it, my relationship with SD or soul is not what you may think it is.

That is not a level playing field at all. Lots of us keep getting reminded of that.**********no, it's not, but not for the reasons you believe or are blaming. I have based all of my thoughts, comments, opinions and ideas on what I see here, what I know of soul's situation FROM OLD POSTS, and from what I read in your post. In fact, I was not in contact with soul until this week....and only knew of what happened here from YOUR thread. And I guessed at who you were referring to based on THIS thread. In fact, I did not even know she had gotten back with B - I knew from the fall that she was intending on it. I knew her stalker situation from that time period too.

So, the playing field is fairly level in that respect.

Oh, and one more thing - I would have gladly spun this discussion off onto other, as not to hijack this one, but one of my biggest problems is that when you start a new thread, but refer back to another one, it gets awfully confusing and hard to follow for everyone involved, at least in my mind. I am sorry to bitsy for going "off topic" and hope she will not be too upset with me.

I really don't want to keep debating this. And I am not saying that cuz I am a "hit and run" kind of person either....but honestly, we aren't going to get anywhere. I feel you could have handled your boundary setting differently, in a way that did not make another vulnerable poster feel unsafe and unwelcome. Had you come to a thread, hurt and vulnerable, and someone made you feel more hurt - you would have three choices - cry foul, stand up for yourself in a healthy way, or slink away. Not everyone knows how to stand up for themselves in a healthy way (that's what we are here for)....not everyone has the backbone to cry foul....and so some leave. It's a shame - everyone deserves a chance to get the same attention as the rest of us do.

Like I said, I don't want to debate this - cuz my goal isn't to get you to agree with me. I can't see that you would agree with me...so the only healthy thing **I** can do is step away and let it go. I think I have said all I can say (tho I have been known to say alot more and may even think of more)...but part of my healing has been to practice letting things go.

If you want to set boundaries and dictate what the content of your posts should be, or who should post in them - there may continue to be hurt feelings. And I understand their feelings are NOT your responsibility. BUT - I would hope that within your healing journey, you don't lose touch with whatever compassion you have within you. You can avoid taking on someone's problems and still be compassionate to it and them. Telling them (effectively) to take your problem to another thread is not what I would call compassion....and that is probably the only point I am trying to make in all this rambling. (and I have never been known to get to my point very quickly - sometimes I don't realize what my point is....until I get there).

and that really is my point - how compassionate are you being by telling someone to take their problem "elsewhere"? in your journey towards wellness, I hope you don't lose your humanity in the process.

June 29, 2010
8:46 am
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I read this this morning and thought of several of us here. Barefoot, if you are lurking I hope you see this. I really used to feel this way and sometimes still do.

I CAN HANDLE CRITICISM WITH EASE

I am entitled to my own thoughts, and others are entitled to theirs. When people form opinions of my behavior, I feel calm and at ease. I can choose how I view the opinionns and judgements of others. I will not use the opinions of others as ammunition against myself.

In the past I let criticism from others trigger my shame. The negative reactions of others seemed to prove how bad I really was.

No more. I will not let the response of others control my behavior or my feelings. Today I will simply notice, without anxiety or shame, that others have opinions. If I choose to change my behavior, it will be to please myself--not anyone else.

What I have noticed about my hurts is that what triggers and hurts me comes totally out of left field. Yesterday you could have made a comment that would have rolled right off my back but for some reason today the same comment has cut me to the quick.

Hurt People Hurt People. Could it also be changed around that Hurt People ARE expecting to be hurt again? Do we need to change our whole way of thinking?

I don't know...

Bitsy

June 29, 2010
11:50 am
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Feel better rising?

I wasn't sure which thread to post on, since it's now split up. Funny how that happens......and it will probably split even more, so the communication will become even more deluded. Which seems to be the theme around here lately.

By your own admission, you don't need to come here any more. Congratulations! But you come back here to "pay it forward". Pay what forward?

You read ONE thread, and you've got it all figured out? What about all the other threads that were happening at the same time? What about those posts? How do you know SS wasn't posting on those too?

You read a thread with over 1000 postings, and you say you have better things to do? Not to mention you have or had OUTSIDE contact with SS? I'd say that's quite a disadvantage to the rest of us.

Since you're such the veteran, and don't NEED to be here anymore, I'm surprised by your rant.

Yeah, I'm defending MsG.

As you put it, sue me.

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