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Hurt People Hurt People
June 27, 2010
10:26 am
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R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Or perhaps

Do Right Woman...

Bitsy

June 27, 2010
12:19 pm
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bevdee- I get it so that means I am a troll and a narcissist and you are a control freak and a sociopath (LOL) I noticed how you gave yourself the better diagnoses and me the worser ones waaaah (LOL).

In this forum with the premises that we are all anonymous meaning no face to face interaction or anyway of verifying things, there is no way of knowing anything about anyone for a fact.

June 27, 2010
12:49 pm
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this is from SDesigns thread "a little stroll down memory lane"Talk ONLY about YOURSELF, and do so with respect & integrity, and you're more sure to be on track with that. And of note: there is much risk on this site when we engage in defending others... not to mention that it is not self focused. Please also read my first post a few up from here. Site Coordinator " With this in mind I was wonder Bitsy how this thread relates to you? I felt like you were trying to instigate a flame war when you tried to defend BFG in her taking a break thread. Not cool.

June 27, 2010
12:57 pm
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Hi Destiny: Just a disclaimer- to be clear- that was copied and pasted from something SC wrote- and the date of that is on the original post in the thread- those are not my words, they are written by SC.

Thanks.

"Like I think I could see that someone is mentally retarded, and not be myself." Bevdee! precious, just precious!

sd

June 27, 2010
1:09 pm
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sdesigns- on the quote it was signed off by the site coordinator and I cited the thread so anyone who needs more info can go to yours and read the entire thing.

Addendum to my last post Please read the thread "a little stroll down memory lane" on the support side for detailed information.

Since we cant "see" anyone here we are at a disadvantage.

June 27, 2010
1:22 pm
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Destiny: Could you imagine what it would be like if we all had web cams? Egads-

sd

June 27, 2010
1:34 pm
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sdesigns- you mean everyone here is going to find out that my hair is not naturally blonde and that no one in their right mind would mistake me for a movie star??? LOL. My fat but is my own private business. Head shot only with huge movie star sunglasses and my cowboy hat.

June 27, 2010
2:45 pm
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In the spirit of say what you mean and mean what you say...

The above three posts that I copied and pasted here meant something and helped me along my path to healing. I have been hurt a lot in my life from an alcoholic mother, to an emotionally distant father, to a half brother who molested me, to an extended family who just didn't care, to a husband who was emotionally unavailable to a significant other who cheated on me and shook the foundations I had so carefully crafted.

I am currently over being hurt and am on the path to healing. I like the line in the third copied and posted article that says "healed people heal people".
It has taken me 42 years to get where I am today. They weren't always easy but they weren't always horrid either.

My intention with this thread was to offer encouragement to my fellow posters here at AAC. I had no ulterior motive at all. I simply shared some things that have helped me. If they help you I am glad. If they don't I am sorry. Perhaps another day or another person will come along to offer the hope and encouragement you need.

Destiny, for a while now it has seemed to me that you are dogging me and questioning every move I make. I have tried to ignore you, but you won't be ignored. I envision you as a bumblebee buzzing from thread to thread trying to stir up trouble. I refuse to play. I prefer no interaction with you at this point. I am well aware that I do not "own" this thread, I merely gave birth to it. You are welcome to post here as is anyone else. I am entitled to ignore you if I choose.

Bitsy

June 27, 2010
3:46 pm
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Bitsy- You said "envision you as a bumblebee buzzing from thread to thread trying to stir up trouble". IMHO this place is like a house of mirrors and I will take that comment as I envision you looking into a mirror saying it to yourself about yourself. Sorry about your vision but I am no bumblebee I am a human being!

Right before you started this thread you "buzz"ed as you put it onto BFG thread and tried to instigate a flame war.

I felt that after reading this thread if I asked about where you were coming from I could gain some insight into you.

I read your thread and simply asked you a question as to how it related to you. Why, because I am interested in finding out where Bitsy is coming from.

I am happy to hear that you have overcome your feelings of being hurt. That is great progress.

I wrote a thread on support. I hope you read it and tell me what you think.

Oh, and I am concerned about the situation you are in with the oil spill.

Peace, love, and happiness...

Destinystar

June 27, 2010
5:59 pm
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Bitsy,
Perhaps you have a better understanding now of what I've experienced. Sorry to be cryptic, but I think you know what I'm talking about.
Mary

June 27, 2010
6:07 pm
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marypoppins- Hope you are not trying to start a flame war and then go crying poor me! "I think you know what I'm talking about." 🙂

June 27, 2010
6:31 pm
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I was just wondering if "cryptic" communication is healthy communication. If this type of communication promotes wellness or dysfunction?

June 27, 2010
7:26 pm
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I understand the "mirrors" concept. Otherwise stated in AA and anon groups - you spot it you got it. I'm not retarded.

Or - projecTION! Or- don't project YOUR issues on me. Yeah, granted we all "see" the world based on our experiences, but I don't think that makes it impossible to be able to see that someone ain't right. Or that they are behaving in certain ways.

It's also like, "I know what you are, but what am I? " or

"Backatcha babe"

But I also see people using these tactics distract from an issue. If someone gives me a criticism, whether or not I see it as constructive or not, how does it help me, or us to communicate if I immediately lob it back into the person's side of the court? It dismisses that person offering the criticism, can put them on the defensive. Depending how it is phrased, it can be rather insulting, almost a conversational terrorism.

Constructive criticism. I'd rather say suggestion, though. Criticism seems like the *everyone hates me*, them or us mentality. Suggestion. Food for thought. Seed to plant.

June 27, 2010
7:42 pm
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(((bevdee)))- so good to hear from you! This site is not a chat room so it is difficult to have a conversation. Then there are guidelines that we are expected to follow. Keeping in mind the Thread that Sdesigns started on the support side, how would you communicate using that as a guideline?

June 27, 2010
7:52 pm
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Bevdee- can one make a rule that they are entitled to criticize but become enraged when they get criticized in return? Isn't part of healing from codependency letting go of the need to control others? Not to offer unsolicited advice? I suppose it depends on which doctrine one chooses to follow or what path they choose to take towards their recovery.

June 27, 2010
8:15 pm
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Mary! Glad you "popped in". I am having a hard time with the issue of sometimes you just have to confront the crazy making behavior. Not too long ago I had a post about finding our R was engaged. You posted "yawn". Yeah, at first I thought what the hell? THEN I really thought WHAT THE HELL? When someone mentioned to me that they had seen R and D and "the ring" and what the wedding plans were I laughed and said, "For some reason Carrie Underwood is playing in my head: Next time he cheats it won't be on me....

By confronting my crazy making behavior you helped me see it in a new light and actually, the three years I have been here, I made more leaps since that post than at any other period of time. Sometimes we just have to tell people to stop. You are making yourself crazy. When we are in the middle of the forest we don't see the trees.

Mary, I have thought a lot about you in the past few weeks and what all you have gone through and these threads and how you have grown and healed. It goes back to the line in the post about healed people heal people. I have always respected your opinion even when it pissed me off and I have always taken a step back to figure out what exactly it was you said that pissed me off and why.

What I like about AAC as opposed to CODA or ACOA or Celebrate Recovery is that in those groups we do only talk about ourselves and we do not offer advice and solution. Here we do have that freedom to say "when I was in your situation this is what I did." or "As an outsider looking in, this is what I think..."

I really am not interested in smoke and mirrors and having to second guess what I post here because someone is going to think I am a sociopath or a narcissist or pathelogical liar, or whatever else there it. I like being able to post what I post and having positive or negative feedback on it. Sometimes you just have to call a jackass a jackass and a spade a spade. There are plenty of other forums for the other stuff.

Peace to all....

Bevdee 😉

Bitsy

June 27, 2010
8:28 pm
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(((Bitsy))) I posted "yawn" to you that day because you had once posted "yawn" to me! Don't you remember? You and SD had told a new poster something about how Destiny and I were always going at it. I wrote back that it was not as it might seem to someone looking at it from the outside. You posted "yawn". I was really hurt. I know that wasn't very mature of me to hold on to it and then use it against you. I thought you'd remembered. I think lately you have been experiencing what I did with Destiny, which is why I posted what I did on this thread.

Anyway, my goodness! Thank you for thinking of me, and I'm so glad that somehow what I wrote galvanized (you used that word before - it's a good one!) you. I actually think an ex getting married is a pretty big deal. And, I wouldn't have just written "yawn" to you if you hadn't done it first! Oh my God, how juvenile of me.

I'm really proud of you. Please, forgive my pettiness. All the best to you and Cat and your other "kids".

Love,
Mary

June 27, 2010
8:39 pm
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Bitsy,
I WAS trying to nudge you towards letting go of R and focusing on what YOU didn't want to do again in the next relationship, and not to look at things in such a black or white way. But, a few days ago, I was thinking that I'm still holding on to someone now who really isn't that great for me. I also realize that I wasn't in a relationship with R, so how can I REALLY know how it felt to be lied to and cheated on by him?

Somehow though, even though you and I miscommunicated and I certainly didn't post in the healthiest way, we both moved forward. So, neither of us is perfect, but we DO have a connection and trust between us. Thank you for that. Thank you for trusting me. I trust you, too. I was petty, but I hope you always know that I pay attention to you and that you inspire me.

Love again,
Mary

June 27, 2010
10:09 pm
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I apologize Mary. I have no recollection of doing that, but then it goes back to the title of this thread...hurt people hurt people. Sometimes when the pain is so great we lash out. In all the experiences I have had that hurt me, somehow being cheated on was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. It totally broke me. What is funny is that one day recently I remembered that I once told someone that when I finally had enough of R and cut him loose he would marry the next woman he stumbled across. My prediction is coming true.

He always accused me of not "standing up and taking care of myself". Well if nothing else the breakup between the two of us has proved to me that I am well capable of taking care of myself. I have done it for well over two years now and done it quite well if I do say so myself. Another funny thing is that he moved C down here to "get rid of me". He didn't anticipate that she and I would click and she would look out for me more than him. She has really helped me heal. Yeah, she was a raging alcoholic when she got here, but even then she would tell me what he meant in her life and the damage he had caused and she would beg me not to be like her. Her parents got her into a great alcohol treatment program and she has celebrated two years of sobriety. I am proud of her and she calls regularly to check on me and make sure I am OK. She is the one who got me involved in Celebrate Recovery. She mentioned it to me one day and that she was going, the next thing I knew she called and told me where there was a meeting and when it was... If he didn't do anything else for me he gave me a friend I will probably keep for life.

When I come here I try to focus more on others than on myself. I am tired of my story so I can only imagine that others are as well. I try to post encouraging things to others. Barefoot Girl took a break but when she came back she came back stronger. I was proud of her for that. I do think that telling someone "I really liked that you did A" rather than berating them for doing B is a lot more helpful. I know personally if you praised me I will do back flips to keep you happy, but if you tell me "you did this wrong and this wrong and that wrong and you really screwed up when you did X" I will eventually tune you out. Yes, I did come down hard on BFG on that one thread, but it was an eye opener and freedom when I realized the same thing about myself. I do not have the power over anyone here and no one here has power over me. I am free to state my opinion and sometimes it is good to hear the unvarnished truth. I really do wish Barefoot Girl the best. I think and hope she has forgiven the bruntness of my words and I think she finally took them in the spirit I intended.

Not too long ago I was reminded of Nappy who used to anger me on a daily basis telling me just exactly what my relationship with R was. She was telling it like it was but I was still wearing those rose colored glasses thinking my situateion was different.

In Celebrate Recovery we discuss our hurts, hang-ups, and habits. I think I am over the hurts (I hope I can be used as a tool of healed people heal people), I think I am half-way through the hang-ups (they get us all) and I am working on new habits.

All in all I think I am making a pretty good life for Cat and me and right now pretty good is good enough. Thanks for letting me ramble. Mary, anytime you want to post to me I will value your opinions and insight. We have been through it together. You, Doris Day, and I all started about the same time. I sometimes wonder about her. I am glad you are still here with me.

Bitsy

June 27, 2010
10:59 pm
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" can one make a rule that they are entitled to criticize but become enraged when they get criticized in return?" I dunno. I don't think i understand your question. Are you talking about yourself and the path you are choosing for your "recovery?"

"Isn't part of healing from codependency letting go of the need to control others?" I suppose - it might be part of healing from codep to let go of the notion that everyone is trying to control us.

" Not to offer unsolicited advice?" True - this becomes quite the sticky wicket on this forum. I've seen it happen that someone posts on open threads on a public forum, and gets told it's none of their business.

"I suppose it depends on which doctrine one chooses to follow or what path they choose to take towards their recovery." Sure- as with anything.

June 27, 2010
11:00 pm
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Hey Destiny -

" Keeping in mind the Thread that Sdesigns started on the support side, how would you communicate using that as a guideline?" personally, my sense of forum and thread etiquette is this - don't paste stuff from other threads in a different one.

If you want to talk about how it could be used as a guideline, I think it would be perfectly proper and acceptable to talk about that in thread that quotes site guidelines.

June 28, 2010
12:42 am
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Bevdee- I do see where people start threads, then tell people it is none of there business or get upset when someone responds. Or start threads that exclude people. I agree with your forum and thread etiquette.

June 28, 2010
8:48 am
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From DAILY AFFIRMATIONS FOR ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS:

Tody I acknowledge a deep respect for my own healing process.

Recovery take time. I will be patient with my healing.

I will not cheat myself of the necessary time it takes to go through my own grief. Knowing that the only way to get through my pain is to go through it, I will not become impatient.

To pretend that I have never experienced real despair is to sabotage myself. I will not participate in emotional dishonesty. I am assured that the strength I need to get through my pain is already within me. I will not ignore my emotions.

Today I will entrust myself to (God) with a sure knowledge that my healing is now taking place.

Bitsy: Healed people heal people

Bitsy

June 28, 2010
9:54 am
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Hey all,

This has been an interesting thread. It shows me that I still need to work on watching my words because words are powerful and can end up attacking someone's character. I also want to work on being a better listener.

June 28, 2010
9:59 am
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Now Mary,

I have this suspicion that if you and Destiny go at it long enough, yall would miss each other when one of you is gone. There are a couple of posters that I used to go at it tooth and nail with, but it's from them I learned the most.. There's lessons lived, and lessons on a page, know what I mean?

And Miss Mary - it's good to see you posting again, too- even if it's just a cameo appearance. :~)

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