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Huberta needs help after divorce
April 6, 2007
11:35 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
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I have been divorce for two months and separated since December. My ex-husband is still devastated and begging for re-conciliation. In the meantime, I met a new man - one who does not have the same codependant characteristics. But I'm having a terrible time letting go of my ex-husband. I tell him it's over, but I still feel a strong tie to him and feel the urge to "make him okay" by running back to him, even though he has reverted back to terrible name-calling and manipulation (which he had stopped for a time to prove he had changed). Should I force myself to let go and keep walking, knowing the past will only continue? Should I reach out to this new man who is truly good to me and whom I say I love? I'm very confused. But I do know that the reason for the divorce was because of abuse and ultimately because he demanded the divorce, claiming I was "useless and worthless," among other things. Now he says he didn't know what he had til I was gone and that he would do ANYTHING the rest of his life to make me happy. Please help me gain some understanding. I just feel very confused! This was my third marriage!
Thank you!

April 7, 2007
8:36 am
st regis falls, ny
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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Huberta...one thing at a time here.

one, you say your husband is codependent, but the new man isn't.

it would seem YOU are the codependent one...addicted to the ex, and sitting in wait, hoping and wishing he would change.

He might...but chances are, his old behaviours will resurface in time.

What has he done to CHANGE? or is it just him saying he has? he can promise the world, but ultimately, you have to decide if you trust he will deliver.

as for the new man.

running from one relationship into another is always a recipe for disaster.

the new man may not exhibit the same tendencies, but in time, may prove otherwise...frequently we find the "same guy" just in a different "package"....it takes time to see the real person 110%...time will show his true colors.

if this is your third marriage, then you have to look at the common denominator....YOU.

how did YOU fail?

I'm not saying that your partners were not at fault.

but perhaps you are picking the wrong ones....and likely you have done the same again.

perhaps you get involved too much too soon.

perhaps you ignore warning signs or red flags.

there are a thousand ways to go wrong....and if you want your next relaitonship to be successful, you have to make YOU the BEST YOU you can be.

I suggest the following books.....

mars and venus starting over....it's a book about dating after divorce and has good insights

women who love too much....when you keep hoping and wishing he will change....a wonderful book that really outlines the hows and whys of codep. and it's recovery

codepedent no more...a good how to guide to recovery.

your ex husbands may be no prize and deserved teh divorce, but ultimately you picked them....and married them....so you need to evaluate what you are doing wrong, so you don't end up in a fourth divorce.

and in the spirit of recovery, it would probalby be best to stay away from BOTH of them, and focus on you....stay single for a while and figure out where you want to go with your life.

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