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How to be ourselves
January 10, 2006
11:13 am
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I'm really struggling with being myself. Sometimes I lose myself and everything goes haywire from that point. Points to remember why being ourself is the best thing:

- Thats when we can enjoy the most
- Thats when we can be loved. We cannot be loved if we're not being ourselves.

Any other hints on how we can continue being ourself? Or how we can get back on track? How do we detect if we're being ourselves or not?

January 10, 2006
11:46 am
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tracylyn
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Guest ~

I can think of a couple.....

When you are doing something you don't want to do JUST to please another person - you are not being yourself.

When you compromise your beliefs to fit in with a crowd - you are not being yourself.

I think forgiving ourselves is also a good one. We are only human, if you mess up, learn from it, forgive yourself and love yourself. That too helps us to remain ourselves and not get lost.

Sometimes for me, I start to loose myself when things get hectic. I get stressed, I take on too much, I get little sleep and stop taking care of me so that I can take care of work and kids and my house, etc. I can always sense when this is happening and I pull myself back in. Sometimes it just means a quiet night to myself to regroup and reflect and pull my energy back inside me, instead of it pouring out of every pore and spilling onto the floor.

t

January 10, 2006
12:09 pm
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Anonymous
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When you do things to impress someone - you are not being yourself.

When you pretend to like something you don't - you are not being yourself.

When you put someone else's needs before yourself - you are not being true to yourself.

When you are too "giving", and making sacrifices that hurt yourself - you are not being true to yourself.

When you refrain from saying what's on your mind - you are not being true to yourself.

When you compromise your beliefs and values, morals and such - you are not being true to yourself.

I think the reason we go haywire is that we believe that IF we impress this person, they will in turn love us, and if they love us, it makes us feel good, and so we ARE doing something good for ourselves.

But the reality is - we want someone to love us EXACTLY the way we are - no changes or compromises needed. And there IS someone who will love us the way we are and the way we deserve. We just have to be patient and find them - not settle for the first attractive person we meet.

We can look at someone and think "they are perfect for me - that's what I want"...but in reality - WE need to be perfect for THEM in return - it has to be a match. a NATURAL match - not a fake or forced one.

I think there are BAD habits we should work on changing, correcting and supressing - like being needy and codependent and having low self esteem - those are NOT things that someone should love about us - it is something unhealthy that needs correcting.

But putting someone else's needs above ours is NOT good self care.

I know, I used to rationalize - if I give up this need/want, then he will love me, and I will get what I need in another way. That's bargaining and NEVER works.

things that show you are NOT being yourself - saying no when you mean yes, saying yes when you mean no, agreeing to see a movie that you hate, just to make the other person happy, buying the other person gifts and not being able to pay your own bills, going out of your way to run errands for the other person and not having enough time for your own errands, staying up late to spend time with the other person, even though you desperately need the sleep, skipping going to the gym to spend more time with the other person, not spending time with your other friends so you can spend more time with the other person, wearing different clothes to impress the other person, changing your cologne to make the other person happy, changing your hair to make the other person happy, offering to take on the other person's responsibilities to "help" the other person, spending all your time thinking about how to "win over" the other person, spending all your time thinking about how to "keep" the other person interested

all of these are part of codependency, low self esteem and low self worth.

it's all to impress the other person, so we can win their love - so that we feel better about ourselves.

January 10, 2006
12:10 pm
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Anonymous
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When you do things to impress someone - you are not being yourself.

When you pretend to like something you don't - you are not being yourself.

When you put someone else's needs before yourself - you are not being true to yourself.

When you are too "giving", and making sacrifices that hurt yourself - you are not being true to yourself.

When you refrain from saying what's on your mind - you are not being true to yourself.

When you compromise your beliefs and values, morals and such - you are not being true to yourself.

I think the reason we go haywire is that we believe that IF we impress this person, they will in turn love us, and if they love us, it makes us feel good, and so we ARE doing something good for ourselves.

But the reality is - we want someone to love us EXACTLY the way we are - no changes or compromises needed. And there IS someone who will love us the way we are and the way we deserve. We just have to be patient and find them - not settle for the first attractive person we meet.

We can look at someone and think "they are perfect for me - that's what I want"...but in reality - WE need to be perfect for THEM in return - it has to be a match. a NATURAL match - not a fake or forced one.

I think there are BAD habits we should work on changing, correcting and supressing - like being needy and codependent and having low self esteem - those are NOT things that someone should love about us - it is something unhealthy that needs correcting.

But putting someone else's needs above ours is NOT good self care.

I know, I used to rationalize - if I give up this need/want, then he will love me, and I will get what I need in another way. That's bargaining and NEVER works.

things that show you are NOT being yourself - saying no when you mean yes, saying yes when you mean no, agreeing to see a movie that you hate, just to make the other person happy, buying the other person gifts and not being able to pay your own bills, going out of your way to run errands for the other person and not having enough time for your own errands, staying up late to spend time with the other person, even though you desperately need the sleep, skipping going to the gym to spend more time with the other person, not spending time with your other friends so you can spend more time with the other person, wearing different clothes to impress the other person, changing your cologne to make the other person happy, changing your hair to make the other person happy, offering to take on the other person's responsibilities to "help" the other person, spending all your time thinking about how to "win over" the other person, spending all your time thinking about how to "keep" the other person interested

all of these are part of codependency, low self esteem and low self worth.

it's all to impress the other person, so we can win their love - so that we feel better about ourselves.

How to be yourself - well, when you are about to do something - think to yourself "if my BEST friend was about to do this - or my sister or brother, or someone you love - would I tell them they aren't being true to themselves - would I tell them not to do it".

Alot of times we do things that we would tell others NOT to do.

That's a good indication you are going against your own values.

January 10, 2006
12:16 pm
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tracylyn
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Ali ~

Well said - both times. =)

January 10, 2006
12:27 pm
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mj
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Hi Guest,
Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I learned that I was not a separate individual. Through the years, I am developing a sense of who I am. Learning my likes and dislikes, accepting myself, and setting limits for myself in order to not be abused.

Its a daily thing for me. I am learning when I am anger it is because something isn't working. I am learning that when I feel sad, it is because of some loss. I am learning that thoughts I think maybe habitual and not healthy.

How to be Myself is a daily challenge. Some days I lose myself but find myself a lot faster than years past. Be Gentle, explore, and listen to how you feel and accept it is ok to be who you are Today.

January 10, 2006
1:04 pm
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kathygy
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guest,

being myself means being true to myself always regardless of how the other person(s) will react towards me.

it also means giving up childhood roles. I used to have the reputation of being 'nice'. Which I felt was vital to my survival as a child. But now I don't need to be 'nice' just so that people will like me.

inorder to be myself I need to know myself fully. I need to stop and check in with myself when someone does something or says something which I'm uncomfortable with rather than being on automatic piolet and going along with whatever the other person wants.

Being myself means that I place more value on what's true for me than on what someone else might think or do.

It also means being totally, unabashedly honest with other people especially those who are important to me.

It means never going along with what the other wants just because I am afraid they'll leave me if I take a stand for what I want.

January 10, 2006
1:16 pm
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kasie919
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Guest:

You are being yourself, you are showing what a deep compassionate person you are, you dont need to feel as if you have to change for someone, why should you??

Like Alis has said and everyone else, be true to you, let you be you, it is wrong to think you have to change for someone else..

I feel so bad for you..

Kasie

January 10, 2006
1:17 pm
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Rasputin
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Guest -

My brief answer is:

Give your heart to the Lord Jesus Christ!!!!

The reason why people wear masks is low self-esteem. When you surrender to HP/God and discover how much your Heavenly Father loves you, you will stop pleasing anybody else BUT HIM!

A book I suggest to you is "The Purpose driven life" by Rick Warren.

~Love, Ras~

January 11, 2006
4:15 pm
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This is all really great advice, thanks guys!! I'll come back and read.

Alicat, I remembered some of what you've said yesterday and was thinking about it while I was driving. Will come to all of you guys comments later. I'm try nowadays to be myself with this girl. Now that we've had sex, kissed and all that, looks like things are settling down a little which is good. I know if I'm myself and grounded, she's all mine.

January 11, 2006
4:18 pm
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Meant also to say I'll come back and respond, its all good advice and I want to absorb it as much as possible. thanks again friends!

January 11, 2006
11:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Kathygy,

You could have been describing me. I've sought to be the 'nice' guy all these years and am just starting to break out of that.

You've blazed a path I'm now treading on. I'm some distance behind, but following nonetheless.

Thanks for your post.

January 12, 2006
12:13 am
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hopeinhim
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I think getting to know yourself and then standing for it when it is challenged is good. It is okay to be a different person! They can even think some things about you are weird or quircky!

I was just telling one of my clients tonight how I would still go to the park to swing when I was in college. Of course I have taken my kids, but I miss swinging! I love it and need to do it regularly I have decided.

Thanks for this post - I think it is a question we need to check out regularly.

Some of the above things are okay in moderation too. Giving, changing things in compromise, and what if they have an allergic reaction to your cologne? Also - I want to dress for my man at first of course! Who doesn't want to look as attractive as possible? I am a girly-girl!

January 12, 2006
12:14 am
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hopeinhim
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I think getting to know yourself and then standing for it when it is challenged is good. It is okay to be a different person! They can even think some things about you are weird or quircky!

I was just telling one of my clients tonight how I would still go to the park to swing when I was in college. Of course I have taken my kids, but I miss swinging! I love it and need to do it regularly I have decided.

Thanks for this post - I think it is a question we need to check out regularly.

Some of the above things are okay in moderation too. Giving, changing things in compromise, and what if they have an allergic reaction to your cologne? Also - I want to dress for my man at first of course! Who doesn't want to look as attractive as possible? I am a girly-girl!

January 12, 2006
10:31 am
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Rasputin
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There is a good book ( I have Not read it yet!) entitled "Approval Addiction" by Joyce Meyer. I am sure it is very good read, Joyce is one of my favorties.

It talks about people who are addicted to pleasing others and how to stop it.

That would be good book for you Guest & Hopeful. I am sure I will buy this book someday!

January 12, 2006
4:02 pm
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kathygy
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guest,

"Now that we've had sex, kissed and all that, looks like things are settling down a little which is good. I know if I'm myself and grounded, she's all mine. "

You are totally deluding yourself with this thinking. She has already told you not to get too emotionally attached to her.

I have learned over and over again that having sex and kissing does not mean a man is interested in making a committment to me. It has never been the case unless the man fell in-love with me BEFORE we had sex.

This woman is not in-love with you. Having had sex with her does not change a thing for her based on everything you have said.

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