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How are you army?
December 21, 2006
8:13 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Hey Bev...we cross posted

Hope youre doing ok?

Happy christmas

December 21, 2006
8:21 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Army

I know those feelings well...I try to compensate to my daughters for what I feel they lack from their father. It tears me up

But I think kids need boundaries to feel secure. I do negotiate with them though. They are good kids and I want them to know I think they are wonderful and I trust them. Sometimes i think if we go along with the little things then when we really do flex our muscles they will know we mean business and understand there must be good reasons for it.

Just my opinion of course and the way I try to live. But I wont tolerate rudeness.

Take care

December 21, 2006
8:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Mama,

You have to set the boundary and NOT BUDGE ONE SMALL BIT.

My Mother? God himself would run from that woman if she so decreed it. I mean it. There was only one female my Dad never pushed and it was her. She would kick his a$$ - no joke.

She then made sure my sister and I were even stronger than that. I mean it was drilled into our heads.

I have had one "bad" relationship, and was smart enough to get shaken early on to stay out of it. But, I have to wonder if it is because my sister and I are like we are that we never encounter men like this. They know not to pick on women like us. The friends that we do have that have husbands such as this? They HATE us, I mean really hate us being friends with their wives.

Had my Dad ever spoken to my Mother the way he has his other wives? He would have had a cast iron skillet upside his head - and, I am NOT joking! She did skim him once with it.

Also, I have to agree - making excuses? We all have dispartity in our lives, all of us. Including the fact that many times we don't feel good. That does not give them (or us for that matter) carte blanche to walk around being a jerk. The world does not function that way. Actually, there is a reason men like that have strained family relationships, or no family relationship. No close friendships, or ties - they are jerks and the rest of the world see's that.

December 21, 2006
8:37 pm
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bevdee
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Miss Sleepless

Hi- good to see you. Thanks for your holiday wishes. I am going to travel to see my mother, and it looks like the whole fam damily is gonna be there. Who knows? I might have whole nother thread by the time I get back Tuesday. I had high hopes, and now I find my spirits are sinking.

But- same to you! I hope the holidays are stress-free for everyone. (I hope that doesn't sound banal)

December 21, 2006
8:41 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Well banal or not I have the same (unrealistic?) hopes

Have a good one with the whole fam damily....look forward to reading any threads that come as a result!!

take care

December 22, 2006
12:17 am
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Zinnie
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Hi Bev,

Try to enjoy the holiday's as best as you can. We have a true monkey wrench thrown in ours. I have been so excited as all of the kids and the grands are here. Now, in the mix? My Mother-in-Law! YIKES!

But, I had to make the decision to make it the best possible - so, that is what I will try to do.

We can only do what we can do and make it the best we can try to do.

Love,

Z.

December 22, 2006
1:03 am
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armyleo
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sleepless, thanks for posting...reading your post fits me to a "T" of how I am. trying to make everything find, keep everyone happy etc.

sounds like you are making changes, does you H notice?

I tried to be nice and let the girls have more freedon, more sleep over with friends, stuff I didn't have growing up. also as I said to make up for our home life. However,I might have gone extremely the opposite way. I guess I notice it more, and my son who is 22 is actually bringing it to my attention. Like why do you let the girls talk to you like that, why are they rude etc.

Bev, have a safe trip, will look forward to talking again when you return. I want to say thanks, for being here.

December 22, 2006
9:44 am
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bevdee
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Army,

Thanks for your good wishes. No problem on "being here".

I wish you a peaceful holiday.

Try to look at your husband being gone as a reprieve from the bullshit. At first it might seem like he is abandoning you all, but it might turn out to be a relief. By the time I got ready to leave Luc this was my way of perceiving his distance and absence. It was just ..... nice.

He got a job out of town, and I reveled in my solitude!! I didn't have to watch and worry over everything I said or did, or even worry about an expression flitting across my face that might set him off.

So -- it might be a blessing in disguise - and so might his possible deployment.

Hope you have a good one.

December 22, 2006
10:03 am
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bevdee
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Zinnie-

Thank you for your response. I have decided that I really have the best circumstance, in that I will have a car and not be stuck when the drama starts.

With my sister there, together with my mom, drama is ... a given. If it gets bad - for the first time in my life, I am NOT going to be peacemaker. I will be haste- maker, and beat feet to leave. I can do this!! I can go to a friend's, my dad's or just go to the store!! (Why did I never think of this before??) So, I am idly wondering how much of a monkey wrench my refusal to participate will be?

Hope your holiday goes well. Later ---

December 22, 2006
5:14 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Hi Army

The truth is my husband has noticed changes and for a while ...well quite a while his unreasonable behaviour escalated and I was very unhappy.

At the moment it is much more stable and I have noticed subtle changes. I think it is too soon to be too optimistic but at the moment he is being reasonable and stopped picking on me.

Army I wish I could say more to help but please know I am wishing you a PEACEFUL christmas with some joy and laughter....and a new year with some warmth and love.

Christmas is always the time when my H is at his worst so I will have to wait to see how it goes

Take good care

Love sleepless

December 22, 2006
5:24 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Bev,

Welcome to what I figured out a long time ago. My husband and I, the minute the drama would start with his family on the holidays? We left.

No if, ands or buts about it - we picked up and left. Now? He enjoys spending the holidays with just us and the kids - which I love.

As I said this year, we have his Mother and what can I say, she is my spouse's Mom, so I will not turn her away. BUT, I have already talked to her and told her "you start your shenanigans - and I will take you home." Guess what? She KNOWS this, so, I doubt if there will be any kind of a scene. My brother-in-law who normally takes her over the holidays is pulling one of his dramatic acts and called us, etc. The one thing I did tell him and I do still mean is "my Mom and I had a rocky relationship at best, but, bottom line? I would give anything in the world to have one more day to talk to her again."

Take care of yourselves - everyone.

Z.

December 22, 2006
6:13 pm
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Zinnie
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Army,

Have you thought about checking into any kind of benefits you might qualify for through the Reserves then? Some type of marriage counseling or some type of PTDS counseling for your husband. My husband was military and served during Vietnam - but, he does not have these problems. However, I do know of others that do and the VA offers various programs for them and their families.

Z.

December 22, 2006
9:00 pm
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free
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Hi Army-

I've been going nuts trying to get stuff done, and so haven't been on. I'm glad to see you posting.

army- Kassie left because she had to. There's a possibility that Lucifer found her here. many abusers stalk- and stalking is very difficult to escape from. He could have put software on the computer that records everything typed- one just never knows. she may have left to start over- when we do that we have to cut all ties kuz they will find us- look what happened to Zinnie's Lisa. Kassie'll be back when she's safe and free from him. Know that army- she'll be back.

I know how hard it is to not beat yourself up over your girls, I beat myself up over my oldest- I made some mistakes with her. Let's you and I make a pact to try and stop that. I don't know how to, it's an issue I struggle with. any ideas?

free

December 25, 2006
2:41 pm
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Hiya!

free

December 26, 2006
7:44 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Army- Hey Free!

December 26, 2006
9:30 pm
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armyleo
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I hope everyone had a peaceful Christmas.

My H left on the 23rd. Took off like if nothing and left us.

I went to my grandparents on the 24th. My parents who have been divorced for over 25 year, for the past 6-8 years, see each other or talk to each other almost daily. Anyways, my mom called a couple days before Christmas to see if I was going with them and my brother's family. They asked what time I could leave, my dad wanted to go @ 1:00pm but I told him, we couldn't be ready until 2:00pm on the 24th.

She said okay, then I come home @1:30 on the 24th. And my daughter is saying my mom was upset because it was the 24th, and I wasnt ready, and family should be my first priority, and going on and on. Anyways she left with my dad and brother, who all met at my house. I come home to find out they left. Well I'm the one that is now ballistic. Crying hysterically because, they knew I couldn't leave until 2:00pm, but did their own thing and decided to leave without me. Besides I was also waiting for my son.

No-one cares about me or my family, it's always been about my brother. They said they went to visit my grandmothers grave, who passed away, in Feb on this year. I haven't been able to visit her but had wanted to go, but they didn't even ask or care.

Anyways, I yelled and cryed at my dad hysterically, shock the heck out of them, because I've always been the one that just goes along with everything doesn't say anything, and get pushed around. I guess I was sensitive because I already felt abandonded and left behind.

We eventually met up at a restaurant on the way, they waited for us, but I was fuming.

I am glad I saw my grandparents they are 90 and 94. First time that I have to admit, it scares me because I can see they are going downhill, I know they are older, but I remember spending my summers with them and my aunts.

You guys will be happy with what I did...I did something good. The girls wanted to rent a movie from blockbuster, and normally, I do what they ask for right away, if I can.

So I told them I would but we had to spend 45 mins cleaning the house together. I told them they had a good Christmas with the family, and they were luckey because my parents both got them gifts.

At first they moaned and complained. After lunch, I said okay, R cleans the living room, Y the den, where she does her studying, and I cleaned the kitchen. It worked great and we got the house semi clean. There idea of clean is not quite, what I had in mind but it worked.

We called H, he talked to girls, and passed the phone to my mother in law etc. When it came to my turn to talk, MIL said he was out with my FIL. Even from far away, he manages, to make me sad. Couldn't even say Merry Christmas or talk to me on the phone.

I guess I've been sad so just retreating into myself. If I don't pop in I hope everyone has a good New Years.

December 26, 2006
10:55 pm
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bevdee
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Army this is wonderful news - your firmness with your girls and their cooperation!!

Funny you had that kind of Xmas with your folks - it sounds very much like mine. ".....shock the heck out of them, because I've always been the one that just goes along with everything doesn't say anything,...."

Yeah same here - I left early.

December 27, 2006
3:15 am
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armyleo
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Kasie -

sure do miss you...wish you cou,d post...I sincerely hope your doing okay. How are you an dlittle man...

Loenly here and abandonded...drinking today

Free said you had to leave and I understand... but I miss you. I wish I wasn't thinking of me and posting about me always to post mre to you...

You know what it's like living iwth a cop, you have no one to talk ot...no one undestands...I feel all alone somedays...

H isn't even here and I'm getting all bruised up... This morning while cleaning the kitchen, I went out to throw the microwave in the trash. THe paint was coming off the inside, and most of the inside was rusted wheere the pain chipped off. Anyways I walked down the 3 front steps, and walked to far, stepped on the flower lawn area, lost m y balance and drapped the microwave, fell over it head first. Luckey I have a rose tree bush (no rose, so no throwns, its winter), anyways feel on top of it, good thing because I would have broken ,y nose. Poor little tree bush, is all lopsided now....LOL

well I could go on and on... but will try to get some sleep...

December 27, 2006
8:53 pm
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bevdee
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Miss Army -

How are you doing? I have been thinking about you.

December 28, 2006
2:42 pm
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Hi Armyangel:

My gosh what a tumble. I met a Christmas Tree up close, but I gracefully kept it and me standing. lol

Hope you are doin ok.

Hi Bevdee and Free and Zinnie... Hope ya'll had a Merry Christmas.

Will check back later.

December 28, 2006
6:46 pm
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bevdee
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Army- how you doin?

MamaC- how are you? Good to see you around.

December 29, 2006
1:44 am
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Army! You did great with those girls! Keep that up- mine whine and complain when I do that, too, but gosh dang it, I'm not their maid. they can help around the house, and they will.

So your H is gone for awhile? How long? this could be a really good thing.

Mamma, Z, bevdee- howdy!

We hauled our tree out to the backyard and left it in the stand. thought we'd play "mythbusters" but it ended up feeling more like Jackass. We got it right after thanksgiving and it barely drank any water. So today- we held a lighter to the bottom of it and VOOSH! This thing was a 9 foot pine torch- grabbed the hose kuz it was already a 9 foot tree and them flames went above the house- thought for sure we'd hear sirens coming down the street. It was literally seconds and the whole tree was up in massive flames. We hosed it down and there's just some twigs and the trunk left now. My H and I just kinda looked at each other for a few seconds and started laughing- his eyes were the biggest I've ever seen 'em and he said the same about mine.

It was definitely educational- but probably not one of my brighter ideas.

free

December 30, 2006
5:35 pm
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armyleo
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ahhh, I punished the girls, their attitude is really getting to me. I told them I wouldn't feed them for 2 days...They just need to change their tone, with me.

I imaged the time without H would all be happy...fun etc. Maybe it's me I tried, but the girls are not being cooperative. If it's not their idea or about them etc. then I get the eyes rolling the back talking the talking in a mean voice...I'm just venting and frustrated.

My son crashed the car, rear ended a large truck (semi) is what it sounded like. Thank God he is okay, the airbags deployed.

B

December 30, 2006
5:38 pm
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armyleo
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Bad news is, the car is going to be declared a loss, H doesn't know yet, however I have to tell him, since it's under his and son's name. The car isn't paid for yet.

Not a pretty site...dreading his return. I don't even know when...All I know is it's after new years.

December 30, 2006
6:02 pm
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Army,

Hi. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. No food? for your girls? Or no cooking? That's kinda funny.

You keep it up, though, being firm with them. I know how difficult that can be. That car? Remember it's not your fault.

I'll be around for a little while.

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