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homicidal fantasies and anatman
August 9, 2004
2:28 pm
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Cici
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September 24, 2010
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Ah, well, the usual. I was standing in line at the video store and began to notice that I was surrounded by white, middle class, tight-a$$ed, middle aged women with a type-A personality who were chewing gum. Say, maybe a dozen of them. The whole store was full of them. It was surreal. I started getting really irritated, thinking, jeeez talk about "mooooo" - herd mentality, anyone? On the way home I saw a pack of them jogging together as well.

Sometimes I am filled with an impotent rage. A rage that starts to consume this mind like wildfire until there is no reason left - but the rage is as cold-blooded and utilitarian as a calculating murderer because it is seeking to fool me into believing that there is an ego that can be injured.

Anyways, the rage surprises me with its intensity. It is complex and it's like a fire in that when reason has exhausted one excuse for the rage it will seek out and consume another excuse, usually self-depricating and in the manner of self-abuse that recovering and current drug addicts aspire to.

But when examined from a distance there is nothing there. No - thing. All the screaming and rage are based on injuries that "I" have perceived. I understand the basis for the joyous serenity of the Buddhist doctrine of anatman now, "no self." But I have yet to internalize it. But "I" can choose to perceive such injuries or not. I can choose which path to take. Those who seek peace seek peace unilaterally. There are no means to a peaceful end because peace is the end in and of itself, all nonviolent leaders from Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi to Jesus Christ have shown this.

Therefore, fighting a war in order to make peace is an oxymoron. Well, obviously, but lots of people don't think that. Heck, I wouldn't even exist if it weren't for war. I wouldn't have been born. And I feel that, almost karmically, a burden on this energy because it was spawned from so much destruction. There is a sensation within me of a deep, unplumbable well of sorrow. Not for me, or those around me - for humanity - because I see that we are destroying ourselves and no amount of discussion or talk or political machinations will change that. Seeing this destruction makes me want to cower and hide.

In Deltona, FL, 5 people were beaten to death yesterday. One woman beaten with baseball bats so badly that they couldn't identify her with dental records. All because of an x-box. I'm going to bed....

August 9, 2004
7:10 pm
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Cici and Twinks.

For me it goes something like this:

Something triggers of a fear response in me. My mind goes into overdrive seeking a 'cause' until it finds one that it believes to be responsible. My mind then sets about seeking a 'solution' based upon 'well trodden' pathways. All of this redundant processing only ever results in the generation of more fear!

These fear driven mind games of mine come in many forms:

One form is when my mind senses a fear of abandonment, it seeks a comforting embrace as the panacea learnt so long ago. The sex game is the way that my mind has learnt to get that.

Another form is when my mind senses that it is under attack. It then seeks a solution through the anger and aggression game. This response was learnt, also long ago, from my father amongst others. If on the other hand my mind perceives the source of the 'threat' to be too powerful, a policeman for example, it then chooses appeasement or immobilization as its solution.

I am now realizing that fear does not require choosing one of the old mind game responses at all! Fear, however, does require one of its old mind game responses for its own sustenance! Stopping the old mind games and calming the mind by meditation/mindfulness and not clinging to the cause/solution thoughts kills the fear response by slow starvation.

My difficulty comes in recognizing these mind games before becoming entranced by them. I mostly become entranced in the mind games by believing their mascinations to be real!!! Not realizing that they exist only in my mind from whence my deluded 'reality' comes, I become emeshed and bogged down in this quagmire of my own making. The more I wriggle within this quick-sand the more I sink until I am no longer able to see anything but the mind game itself.

I see the answer for me is to let go altogether of the mind's game of seeking causes and solutions to fear. If I just let the fear 'be' without indulging in an old mind game, it soon passes.

Of course if I want hell, all that I have to do is let the myriad of entrancements of samsara get a hold of me. It is as easy as watching the TV news. Before long, I will find mind games in full force again.

If I want peace and happiness, then why in the hell do I feel compelled to do exactly what I know will bring about the opposite!!!! My problem is my undisciplined, monkey mind. It is as simple as that.

August 10, 2004
9:16 pm
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brendalee
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I'm white. My best girlfriend is Korean. She gets soooo upset when she is slighted in everyday life that she doesn't know if it is because she is Korean or not. It drives her absolutely CRAZY sometimes. She vents to me and I listen. I tell her that there really is no way of knowing if someone is slighting her because of the way she looks (which is possible)and they have passed judgements or if they are just a jerk all across the board. I don't offer a solution - because I have none. I just let my best friend vent because that's what she needs to do and I love her dearly.....(note - this is NOT the "bossy girlfriend" from previous posts.)

August 16, 2004
7:56 pm
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workinonit
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September 27, 2010
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Hey brendalee, You know, I have thought about how it must feel to have the added insecurity in your life of being a person of another color than "white". It is something, as a caucasian, we will never understand,at least not in this life.

I think the only thing to do is to work on our own subconcious reactions and, in my opinion, we all have them but may not be aware of them.

Twinks is right about fear. It is the egotistical reaction to what we see as a reality. Wish we all could se that it's just an illusion.

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