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Him
July 27, 2007
1:05 pm
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robbie2007
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part 1

i met him online in 1997. i was 31.

i had been in a very long relationship - 15 years with someone i had met in college. the beginning of that relationship was strange and a whole other story. but by 1997, we were really beginning to have a lot of problems.

it was around this time my sister introduced me to the internet/IRC/ICQ. in the days where you had to dial up to get connected.

i found a website that interested me and it had a chat program. it was NOT a bad site - one reason i liked it. i really figured that the people who were on it were "good folk."

it started that i would use my sisters computer because i didnt have one. i met this man. i was instantly attracted to him -and further, his career before retirement interested me. yes he was retired. i believe at that time he was 70.

i began to get to know the people in the chat room in IRC. and soon had my own computer and could go online whenever i wanted. i soon learned how to DCC someone (when you wanted to chat with a single person from the chat room). and began to chat with "him" on the side.

one of the first things he asked me was if i was over 18 - that should had been a red flag. i cant say i missed it. more like - i ignored it.

July 27, 2007
1:20 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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maybe he was just being "cautious"?

but yeah, usually a red flag.

July 27, 2007
1:24 pm
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robbie2007
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yes he was - smart of him.

our relationship quickly progressed and before i knew it, i was in love with him.

but he told me not to tell the other people in the chat room because they wouldnt understand.

not only did i have to keep him a secret in real life (because he was 70 years old) but also online. to the friends we knew in the chat room.

one big secret.

July 27, 2007
1:30 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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robbie,

when you get done wiht this, I would like to know more about your 15 year relationship - don't recall you talking about that one.

July 27, 2007
1:35 pm
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robbie2007
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no - i havent talked about that one yet.

the only one i told the secret to was the person i had had the long relationship with. my "friend"

maybe i felt safe with him because he was online.

i even enjoyed a little bit of the sexual talk UNTIL - it became the main topic of conversation.

at first i wanted to please him - i said the things he wanted me to say. i responded how i thought he wanted me to. his sex talk was crude.

finally - we planned to meet. i never thought that would happen. he lived in an adjoining state.

(i forgot to mention he was married with children and grandchildren).

i told my "friend" about the meeting - just in case something happened.

i said i would meet him at the state forest. i thought it was public enough that nothing would happen. but it did.

July 27, 2007
1:50 pm
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robbie2007
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there werent that many people that day. we took a small walk to a picnic area and a bench. right away he wanted to do sexual things.

i was uncomfortable/nervous - but again, wanted to please him.

he touched me beneath my shirt. we sat down on the bench and he placed my hand on his privates. i did what i thought he wanted me to do. then he asked me if i would "kiss it" - i said i would. we walked to the edge of the woods so no one could see. he saw the terror in my eyes i think. he told me i didnt have to if i didnt want to and that i looked scared. i lied and said i wanted to.

it all felt - not good. although i was an adult i felt like a child. although he didnt force me, i felt like i had to.

July 27, 2007
2:06 pm
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robbie2007
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after that, our online conversations were always sexually oriented. i didnt like it, and yet i loved him and wanted to please him. i was really caught up and confused. i loved him but not all the sexual stuff .

we arranged to meet again. we met at the same state forest and went deeper into the woods and did more. he would say nasty stuff like - "do you want to F me" and tell me "say it"...(we never had intercourse) but he would talk like that.

i again felt like a child.

but still i believed he loved me. and i loved him despite this. i really and truly loved him.

this relationship lasted about 3 years, but the last 7 months of it was one of the hardest things i had gone through.

he got lung cancer. and since our relationship was a secret - i couldnt go see him, and didnt know much of the time what was going on.

but the hardest part, was the feelings i had for the one i loved. no one knew what it was like to be losing my boyfriend, because no one knew he was my boyfriend.

the only one who knew was my other "friend" who didnt support me.

one day he called me from the hospital crying because he was in so much pain.

i called him a couple times in the hospital but then after a few months and the disease progressed i had no contact with him.

after 7 long months he died. no one understood the pain i was going through. there was no one to talk to because our relationship had been a big secret.

then - a couple years later, i told a mutual friend and she told me he had "done it" to other girls online too. 2 being other woman in the chat room.

suddenly i felt angry and used. he didnt really love me - not like i loved him. he just wanted sex.

July 27, 2007
2:22 pm
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robbie2007
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a couple years later - that friend committed suicide.

she planned it for months. went on suicide websites to find the best way.

i think one of the meanest things she could had done was tell me that she was going to do it. she lived in south africa. there wasnt much i could do. i tried to talk to her about what was troubling her, but she never would say. i gave her a hotline number there but she wouldnt use it. 2 weeks later i got an email saying she was dead. i had known her for about 5 years.

July 27, 2007
3:01 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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robbie,

I am sorry you got used.

I wonder if you viewed this man as a father figure, one that you wanted to win his love and affection from - the affection you didn't get from your own father? replaced by this man?

That may explain why you felt like a child when you were with him?

Also - because of the age difference, you WERE much like a child TO him - in that I am sure he had kids or grandkids your age.

He took advantage of you - plain and simple. And tho you went willingly, cuz you felt you loved him - HE knew better and HE shouldn't have done any of this.

IE - if he knew you were terrified, he should have INSISTED you stop...not allow you to continue.

I wonder if his passing was more painful cuz you were such a secret adn knew it would always be a secret?

Or if his passing made you feel like you were losing the love of your "father figure" that you had grown to depend on? which would leave you with your own father, who you do not feel love from.

I am sorry your friend chose to take her own life. She had to be very sad to do this and I doubt anyone or anything could have stopped her...especially if she was doing much research on how to do it and succeed.

I'm not sure what else to say on this, other than I am glad you are sharing this and getting it out.

July 27, 2007
3:03 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((((( Robbie )))))

I am also glad you are putting this out on paper so you will be rid of it. You are doin a great job of putting it out there; don't take it back. It's gone as of the point it hits your screen.

July 27, 2007
3:23 pm
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robbie2007
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hey mamaC (didnt know anyone else was reading this). its hard to let go of. i mean, it had a huge impact on me. there was alot of emotions that went on through the whole thing that i just cant convey here.

rising - i think you are right about the father figure. i would never admit that though. he took advantage of me - but what hurt the worst is that i thought he loved me, but apparently, he had the same type of relationship going with others too.

the whole adult/child thing was very similiar to the long relationship i had just prior to that. where i was more of a child and the other person the adult - altho 1 year younger than i. and whenever it came to sex -i felt terrified and violated. i never once enjoyed it or felt comfortable with it. i did it to please.

of course, that relationship started when i was very ill and incoherent and sexual things started happening when i couldnt defend myself. it felt like abuse. but i was an adult, not a child.

and so one begins to wonder ....

when i was 15, i did things with a neighbor boy (about 17) that was scary and i didnt like it. at age 18 i got caught up with the school counselor. age 21 - a very strange relationship with a college friend. age 31 a very strange relationship with a 70 yr old. all my relationships have been - not normal. all of them had some abusive aspect to them.

no, there is not much more to say(aside from writing about the 15 yr relationship)i just wanted to get it out. thank you for listening.

July 27, 2007
4:57 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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robbie -

when we grow up in a home where our feelings and emotions don't count - where nobody pays attention - we learn to tolerate abuse...cuz we are NOT used to speaking up when we feel bad about things. Cuz when we were kids, our words went unnoticed...or we were told they were bad, wrong or not to keep saying it.

It's no wonder you felt wrong about your feelings, nad speaking up.

Plus, given your lack of affection from your family - it doesn't surprise me that you didn't want to lose these people in your life - because you didn't want to feel abandoned again.

So, you did what you had to do to please them.

Also, I know you work hard to try and please your parents - win their love and affection and attention.

Seems like it's a common theme in alot of these.

By not teaching you that you matter, your voice matters, your feelings matter - your parents taught you it was ok to put up with the abuse.

July 29, 2007
3:47 pm
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white dove
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(((((((((((((Robbie)))))))))))))

July 29, 2007
4:11 pm
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Anonymous
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{{{{{{{robbie2007}}}}}} The best thing you could have done was writing this down and getting all these feelings out.

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