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hey tump...r u around?
May 22, 2007
11:40 pm
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bevdee
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Roux

Do you want to wait until school is out?

May 23, 2007
7:38 am
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ggfred4
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I don't need to wait, think curiosity is getting to me here. I am fine. Reminder, only if you are okay with posting it!

ttyl, gg

May 23, 2007
10:26 am
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Friendma
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((((((((((GG))))))))))

May 23, 2007
10:47 am
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

I have it, but for about an hour, I had trouble logging on to the site.

I just hope this one goes through!

May 23, 2007
10:47 am
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bevdee
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Ok- that was a test!

Hey Friendma!

May 23, 2007
10:52 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev, You aren't alone in having trouble logging on. It wasn't just you. Just so that you know. I guess not that it matters..just a fact.

Anyway...

(((gg & Bev)))

May 23, 2007
11:01 am
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ggfred4
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I had trouble too today...Hey girls!!!

(((fm))) (((mich))) (((bev)))

TWO MORE DAYS!!!

May 23, 2007
11:04 am
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Isis
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Same here- I was starting to worry and have anxiety. Geesh, I really need to chill out.

(((Hugs to you all)))

May 23, 2007
11:16 am
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ggfred4
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Me too Isis,,,started thinking I was in trouble...

(((Isis)))

May 23, 2007
11:18 am
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bevdee
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Isis

I started to get paranoid too!!

GG - What are you doing at school today?

May 23, 2007
11:19 am
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ggfred4
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Just testing, organizing, and packing...

May 23, 2007
11:21 am
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bevdee
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OK

Then I have to warn you it's long. (I yam what I yam)

May 23, 2007
11:41 am
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bevdee
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GG-

I wrote this all out a while ago, kind of on a wave- of anger, so I thought about changing it, and turning it all into those *I* statements, but I decided to just leave it as is. I and you statements rolled together. Assumptions and all. I will apologize in advance if I am wrong- you know, that happens to me a lot. I hope that there might be some truth in it that resonates with you.

Here is how I perceive your MamaDrama, based on the little you have told me. Based on my experiences and realizations about my childhood that was not protected by my parents.

I am still smashing back feelings of anger at my daddy for not standing up to my mom for beating me. I am angry that her feelings- those feelings she protected by her anger and her violence- were more important than mine. That everyone in the family's fear of her anger and the guilt she projected was greater than any concern they might have had for what she did to me. I am angry that, for the most part, my parents stayed silent about my molestation, shoving aside the importance of my getting help for it. And she was a play therapist. She loves kids- just not her own. I am angry that my father feared her anger, and rarely stepped forward in my defense. When he did? He paid dearly for it. When I tried to talk to him about it, I got- *Bevdee- she's your mother, honor her, try to get along* Because he knew he would pay hell, too. We all did when she was angry.

First let me say that I thought I perceived your anger at your mother from the little you say about her- your dad treats her like a princess, she never took an interest in your school functions- she makes you feel guilty….

If I had been in your situation with your mother, I would have had anger at her for not protecting me. I would be angry at her even if I considered the possibility that she knew then, or knows now. Anger that if my suspicions prove true, that I would have to finally acknowledge that she has upheld a conspiracy of silence for 40 years. I would be angry with her for allowing it to continue.

If what had happened to you happened to me, I would be angry about the possibility of her knowing. And doing nothing. That is too horrendous to contemplate. I believe this is why you shy away from thinking about your mother. You can't allow yourself to acknowledge the anger.

You were trained by them to always shove your feelings back - for the sake of keeping a *peace*, your peace? their peace? You were taught that your anger would earn you his violence and it would earn you her disapproval, and the guilt she tries to project, and you feared that. Because you were a little girl.

I would be angry. I would be angry that everyone else's well-being was put before mine. And it still is. You are entitled to feel anger at the way you were abused. I am still smashing back feelings of anger at my daddy for not standing up to my mom. I am angry that her feelings- those feelings she protected by her anger and her violence- were more important than mine. I am angry that, for the most part, they stayed silent about my molestation, shoving aside the importance of my getting help for it. And her a play therapist. I am angry that my father feared her anger, and rarely stepped forward in my defense. When he did? He paid for it.

Especially at the emotional manipulations you describe to me- the manipulations they employ to get their way, to ensure they control you into behaving in a way that *keeps their peace, in a way that doesn't rock their world. Their sense of security rests with your silence. Why was the conspiracy so important? To uphold an image of themselves? To keep him out of prison? So he wouldn't lose his job? So their lives would not be disrupted?

So they scared and shamed a little girl. They bullied a little girl into this sick compliance so that they, the adults, did not have to face the consequences of their actions. They taught you that what he did was acceptable and that your boundaries mean nothing. That your body and your heart mean nothing to them, unless it was a means to an end. For them. That you have no right to expect and demand respect. And she was a part of that. Your mother did not protect you. Your mother embraced her daughter's rapist. When she embraced the abuser, failing to protect a little bitty girl, she became your abuser, too.

They were wrong. They did you wrong.

Most of the way they raised you was for them- not you. The way you were raised was all about PROTECTING THEM- it was not for your good. He raped you and she stayed silent. She not only stayed silent, she exacerbated the conspiracy and sickness and the crime against you- little Donna -by trying to justify his special attention to you, and denying your feelings. For his good- and she probably thought her good, her well-being, hinged on his.

To uphold that image of themselves- your father controlled with y'all’s fear of his anger. This is why you are afraid of anger- anyone's, IMO. Not only because of the possible violence- memories that are imbedded in you, but of the disapproval you are conditioned to fear.

He shielded your mother from you. He is her barrier and she is his. He protects himself by shielding her when he intimidates y'all by requiring you to behave in a way they believe is appropriate. He reciprocates her protectiveness of him all these years. He needs her to maintain the silence. He tries to make you believe that to have her upset would have serious consequences.

Your father controls you with fear. Your mother controls you with guilt. Because they trained you to fear their disapproval, you don't believe that your opinions and feelings are important. You ignore your feelings because you were taught they did not matter. You stuff back your anger, because that is all you were ever taught to do, and you married a man that is probably a lot like your daddy. In a milder form. Because he is neglectful of you. And becomes angry when you challenge his status quo. He doesn't want his world rocked and in order not to rock it, he needs you right where you are complying with his needs. It's a pattern you were accustomed to- it seems familiar.

But, one night about a year ago, after suffering another betrayal of trust, you considered ending your life- this being the end result of that conspiracy of silence and pain that your parents enforced on you, and a lifetime of negating your own true self for the comfort and emotional well-being of others.

You - little Rouxlady, you and your heart and your self-esteem were the sacrifice necessary for your parents to be able to hide the truth from themselves and from the world.

You didn't deserve that despite what they implied , told you, or taught you through their actions. They were, and still are- wrong. And something in you knew this that night around a year ago. You are a survivor. And you are silently scrappy. There is still some fight in you- I have seen it!! Some part of you reached in to the little Rouxlady floundering that night in the depths of her despair, pulled her up and said - "come with me- I'm gonna find us some help. I don't know how or where yet, but I'm gonna find it."

Look at what you have done for LittleRoux! You are a scrapper, GG! You are now fighting for what is important. You.

You have a right to be angry. You are entitled to that anger because you are a human being with a full range of emotions, not the little robot your parents tried to raise. Your anger is there, deep within you and you have to acknowledge the anger before you can release it. That anger is packed down, and little fragments of it come to the surface now and then. The anger takes different forms, headaches, depression, unmanageable stress.

You have the right to learn to face the fear underlying your anger.

You have a right to acknowledge your anger as valid. You have the right as a human being to learn how to express your anger, even though your parents did not allow that. You have the right to seek therapy, and you are worth every single penny spent toward your healing and recovery from the trauma of your childhood. From the continued trauma of adulthood, with them as your living parents.

Your father raped you- he violated every trust you had the right to expect from him. God damn him. May the god he believes in damn him to hell for all eternity. That sick fuck.

Your mother did not protect you from your father. From what little you have told me about her, her actions tolerate, if not condone his crime against you. Fuck her. She retreats? She fuckin oughta retreat- in a cave or prison somewhere. I don't know how she can even look in a mirror, let alone leave the house. How can she face you? FUCK HER Cats take better care of their young than she did you. She failed you GG.

I am angry that you tell me he is protective of her. He treats her like a princess. What the hell were you? Those motherfucking bastards. Those sick cowardly bullying bastards. That makes me furious.

You have the right to talk about what happened to you, and to begin the work of healing from what your parents did to you in their sickness. It will not be disloyal to do this. They don't deserve your loyalty. They don't deserve a fingernail you chew off and spit across the room. They forfeited that and they know it, but they try desperately to keep it by fear, intimidation and guilt.

It will be loyalty - to yourself. It will be loyalty to the little girl they wanted to forget, the little girl they denied. The one you pulled out of despair that night a year ago. She deserves it..

I love you Donna.

And I could come over there and bitch slap them for you. I could be angry at them for you- I want to infuse you with my anger, and that tells me that I need to see what truth resonates with me- because I have an appointment Friday.

May 23, 2007
11:54 am
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ggfred4
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I love you bev...ty

May 23, 2007
11:56 am
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bevdee
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Backatcha babe.

May 23, 2007
12:00 pm
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ggfred4
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on my break for 25 min, feeling very emotional...thanks for your honesty, I mean it...

(((tump)))

May 23, 2007
12:20 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((((((((Donna))))))))))))

I love you sis. I am holding you SO close to my heart right now that there are not words. But, if there is one thing I know, my honest opinions would have been VERY similar to what Bev just told you. And that is where I was headed a few weeks ago when we were talking about this on support side. Honey...you will be ok. You have a lot of support here.

I love you girl.

Mich

(((donna)))

May 23, 2007
12:27 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Bev)))

May 23, 2007
12:56 pm
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cyndra820
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Bev,

WOW!!! Dead on in so many areas!! You brought up points I hadn't even thought of.

(((((GG)))) Sweet, rouxlady!!! I am holding you close. We all love and care about you.

Love,
Cyn

May 23, 2007
2:01 pm
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Isis
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Wow, Bev- you take my breath away. That was one of the most courageous posts you've ever written.

GG- I second that emotion. I know it isn't easy to read, but that's the way it is- you were not protected.
And fuck her- she failed. And fuck him too. I can't believe the shit you still endure even as an adult- remember your birthday?

Wow.

Damn them both.

(((Donna)))

(((Bev)))

I love you girls,

Isis

May 23, 2007
7:05 pm
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bevdee
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Isis- there you are again! Thanks for the hug.

GG- are you doin ok? I had to go away for the afternoon. Like I said- my resonance.

(((LittleRoux)))

May 23, 2007
10:17 pm
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ggfred4
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tump...still digesting it all, many thoughts swirling...this is when I would love to just pick up the phone and talk, okay, probably cry too.

ty...love you

May 23, 2007
10:52 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

I wish you could too. Just remember- you have a right to all your emotions. There aren't any wrong ones. Just yours.

May 23, 2007
10:53 pm
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Shaney
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(((((sweet, lovely girls)))))

May 23, 2007
11:00 pm
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ggfred4
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ty Shaney and bev...

tump, I have so much I need to say, but can't???

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