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hey tump...r u around?
August 1, 2007
10:03 am
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ggfred4
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Morning kousin and tump!

Moving slowly this a.m....waiting for the caffeine to begin kicking in...just let me know when those practice sessions are going to start.

I am struggling with thoughts this a.m. with the idea of choice. If we choose how we feel, but feelings just seem to emerge within, how is that our choice? Is it that when the feelings emerge, it is our choice to accept or refuse them at that time??? If we don't want to feel certain feelings, how do we reject them? For ex., I wake up and feel sad. I don't want to feel sad, but the feeling is there. Now what? I must be missing something here.

gg

August 1, 2007
1:27 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Rouxlady,

I read your post and I have some thoughts- of course!! "If we don't want to feel certain feelings, how do we reject them? "

The subconscious gathers thoughts and ideas from many sources - most of our thoughts are a rearrangement or combination of external stimuli.

As the conscious mind gets rid of ones that do not suit us (kind of a filter) and utilizes the ones that do - it creates more space for thoughts that will serve us. In addition we also train our subconscious to send us more thoughts that do serve us.

While our subconscious and external stimuli seem random and chaotic, we can recreate our perception of them however we choose to. Have you ever had the thought * I need to make sense of this*? In response to some catastrophe? Or when presented with a buttload of info? *I need to sort through my thoughts*?

Here is another example - has something ever happened that historically *made* you angry? Have you ever said this? *I'm not going to let that make me angry* I have thought or said, *I don't have the energy to get pissed off about this today* I choose not to react to some situation that has made me angry in the past.

Like dirty socks in the living room. That's a huge one, and I think it is just tacky, white-trashy. ( My mother has this formal parlor with no TV, only the piano and the paintings, no lounging allowed, etc. It's a real Southern drawing room kind of thang, I believe, because Gramma and the aunts' homes are like this, too) and I used to get so mad at my cousin for leaving his socks under the coffee table. However, my anger never affected him and his damned socks. Here lately, when he visits, I just pick the fu**in socks up and take them to the laundry basket. No hissy fit, no scene. At this late date, I won't be able to train him, and at this point in my life, with the formal parlor realisation, it's not as important. It's easier. So- the Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot will have to wait for another day!!

Have you ever wondered why certain situations can enrage ME and not you? Why some here at AAC are frightening to you and not me?

I am working within myself on *triggers*, and not *feeling*, reacting or responding to those triggers in *old*ways, some of which were entrenched in childhood, some later on- in adulthood.

To recognise the trigger, to realise how the trigger makes me feel and how I respond to that - by *watching* my internal response to it, or by observing my outward reactions. Observing myself, even when I don't respond - when I think of what I would like to do or say, and evaluating that later. I had to do this a lot when I was next door- living with Mr and Mrs Trigger, and not being able to say anything much for fear of angering either of them and being put out with no place to go. That's when I started writing alot- to sort my feelings out. The realizations of my perception of helplessness, of powerlessness are what got me started on this phase of my journey, so I should be grateful. I suppose.

Can you think of something that happens within you in a certain situation? I remember your telling me that when you see confrontations or *fights* here on AAC that you hide? You abstain completely from the conversations. There is a choice made when you do that. Do you know why you made that choice? And if you do know the reason for the choice, is it realistic to apply that to the present situation? Or is it a decision stemming from an old fear? Maybe if you think of reactions you have that are extreme (fearful or angry), you will be aware of those in the future, and experience them instead of fighting to protect yourself from the emotion. And giving yourself a headache.

Sometimes I can get a look from someone, (at work or with my family) and internalise it. I will think *Why is So-and-so angry with me?*. I might pass through the line of vision of someone who is thinking hard about something totally unrelated to me, see that scowl and wonder what I have done to cause that scowl. Because I was always in the wrong. My mother taught me this, and she taught me to fear a scowl and when the abuser reinforced this, I allowed it. It was familiar. Years ago, when I was living with Luc, and communicating with my mother all the time, I would actually ask people ,*are you mad at me?*, totally surprising the person who had scowled earlier and not been aware of it. I noticed even back then that folks got irritated with my constant need for reassurance, and seeing that irritation reinforced my low opinion of myself. It's a vicious cycle, and it goes nowhere - it's just an endless loop of loathing.

Now I choose to wait and see if a scowling person has an issue to address with me, instead of worrying myself sick over the possibility that it was about me. And what I can do to change it.

Here is another one that came to mind - in the last couple of years, starting with my year of fear - when I've been out in public and people have looked at me, I automatically assumed they are seeing all the turmoil I had been under. That they could tell what a financial fuck-up I had been. All the *defectiveness* that is me. Or if it was a man looking, I tortured myself by thinking that men could see all the sexual angst that went on with me. That I put off that slut *vibe*. I worried that everyone knew!! But that was my old shame. I noticed that I was walking with my head down a lot, so I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I don't know if it was because I didn't want anyone to see the window to my soul, or if I just couldn't stand anymore of that reinforcement- that I chose to perceive and absorb.

It's possible, I suppose, because there are those other than myself that are perceptive, but it might have just been something as simple as someone noticing my eyes- my best feature, or my hair- which, when I bother to style it, can be cute. That's usually what people do at the grocery store, when they are waiting in one of those endless lines, look around, cursorily register surface impressions and move on. That's what I do, but because I chose to believe I was defective, I assumed everyone believed that too. I reinforced that belief by perceiving a lingering glance from a stranger as specualation on or confirmation of my defectiveness.

Now I choose to think of it differently. Or not at all.

I hope that makes sense.

August 1, 2007
2:19 pm
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good morning, wild women :o)

GG, you ask such thoughtful questions! And Bev, what a great explanation of choosing how to act on our feelings or not! It's so true that when I am feeling not right within myself, I tend to interpret less-than-jolly expressions on other people's faces as displeasure with me. And even jolly expressions can irritate my bad feelings too :-0

Thanks for asking, I am feeling ok and tolerable today, although a bit sad and anticipating more sadness to come. But it's still feeling like a clean kind of sadness, not tinged with desperation or anything like that.

It's a gorgeous gorgeous day here... good day for dance routines in the open air. Is my electric blue suit ready?

August 1, 2007
3:28 pm
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ggfred4
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Thank you tump for all your efforts here. I have read what you wrote twice and need to digest it more. The wheels are spinning here.

Kroika, Dance routine in the open air sounds fun. If the suits aren't ready, we will just use our practice clothes. I am wearing a t-shirt and those long sweat shorts with bare feet...ready to go. Are you working on those suits, tump? Do you girls need me to find the shoes?

August 1, 2007
4:33 pm
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gg, I would really appreciate it if you would find the shoes. I take a size 10, B width but with narrow heels if you can find them :o)

August 1, 2007
5:59 pm
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ggfred4
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Kuz, I had the white patent leather ones in mind. What do you think? Okay, I wear a 7 1/2, what about you tump? I have a narrow heel too. Now, what about the music?

August 1, 2007
6:25 pm
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ggfred4
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Tump, keep rereading and still thinking...

August 1, 2007
6:30 pm
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bevdee
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Hey- I got the shoes- that Ebay is wonderful!! We're ready to roll? Now all we have to do is practice some Tumptation songs!!

August 1, 2007
7:19 pm
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ggfred4
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I like "Ain't too proud to beg"...good to dance too..

August 1, 2007
7:21 pm
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ggfred4
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wasn't finished here...don't know the title for sure, but also think they song that I liked...maybe "can't get next to you"...if that is not the title, it is in the song...Chickaboom!!!

August 1, 2007
7:35 pm
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bevdee
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Ok- I was going to save this for when Kroika gets here- but look up YouTube and enter Temptations. You can watch the performances!! See them dancing all moves so together- all synchronistic and jazzy!!

August 1, 2007
9:11 pm
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Kroika is here.... on my way to YouTube... ooh, I hope they have "My Girl". Love that song!!!

August 1, 2007
9:19 pm
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Ahhhh.... that put a smile on my face :o))

Ready to dance now; but have we decided who sings lead??? (don't want to pull rank or anyting but I *do* sing in a choir, I hope y'all remember...)

kroika the khorister

August 1, 2007
9:26 pm
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ggfred4
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I don't want to be the lead singer at all... but, I really just want to DANCE!!!

August 1, 2007
9:42 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I was told that ya'll were looking for a fourth "Tumptation?" I can't sing OR dance...but...I can fake it...

August 1, 2007
10:00 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey Mich, glad you joined in. Gotta give your shoe size to bev...she's ordered shoes from EBAY. Start stretching!!! Think we are going to have practice outdoors at kroika's!

(((tumptations)))

August 1, 2007
10:09 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

Can you clap and point your hands out? Point you finger up?

August 1, 2007
10:28 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Absolutely...."Can you clap and point your hands out? Point you finger up?"

I wear a size 10 shoe...(big foot over here...)

Love to you both...glad to join in....

August 1, 2007
10:35 pm
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bevdee
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Mich

Do you think you could sing the bass on Papa Was a Rolling Stone? I can do the high part!!

August 1, 2007
10:36 pm
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oh goody, Mich and I wear the same size shoes. Maybe you can get a discount on 2 pairs, Bev??

August 1, 2007
10:38 pm
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bevdee
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Kroika

YOu are the lead- I am not a strong singer, I'm a great clapper, though.

August 1, 2007
11:39 pm
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clapping is good - Bev and Mich will be the rhythm section :o)

gg, you are the dancer - are you going to lead the workout and choreograph the routine?

hey hey, all we need is a gig!

August 1, 2007
11:41 pm
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bevdee
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Kroika

A senior citizen's talent show? Oh - no! None of us are old enough for that yet!

August 1, 2007
11:49 pm
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ggfred4
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Kuz, I will be glad to put together the routine, but we will need practice...Those temptations had those steps together.

So where will be perform?

August 2, 2007
7:40 pm
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bevdee
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Hey! All y'all!! You have the legs of a dancer! Remember that?

I'm just checking in- I've spent the day taking care of some career-oriented details (drudgery). Requirements- not fun stuff, dangit.

Kroika, I hope all this dancing is therapeutic for you. Are you doing ok? Rouxlady? I hope you're doing ok- missing a Spitfire. 🙁

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