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hey tump...r u around?
May 15, 2007
7:43 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Rouxlady

I don't think I can post it and respond to you about it tonight. I'm feeling pretty low, and need to get out of my own head. I swear to you I am not deliberately teasing you with this. It's already a really bad night.

My glucose levels have been running really high lately. I foolishly tried to reduce my dose a couple of months ago because when I take the prescribed dose, I have alot of gastric diturbances. One in particular can be kind of hard to deal with while I am working - driving, not near a bathroom.

I got a talking to by my dr and I have gone back on the prescribed dose. That's why my vision has been blurry lately. My sugar soars and then plummets. Now I am trying to get used to the higher dose. It should take another week. I'm real tired today, and still premenstrual. The longer I'm late, the higher my sugar runs. This menopause or premenopause is a merry-go-round.

I'll check back in a little bit. I have had to wash dogs this evening- the two males think they are mud wrestlers or something and roll in it in the back yard all the time. The girl dog of course, doesn't get very dirty- she is proud of her appearance.

Later -

May 15, 2007
7:52 pm
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ggfred4
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tump, I said whenever YOU want/can...no problem...I was thinking...It was probably wrong for me to request that you be around anyway. I think that was codependent of me??? or dependent of me??? I don't know, just starting to learn this "stuff".

I am so sorry you are not feeling well. I really ate the wrong foods I guess, because now I have a bad headache.

Take care, gg

May 16, 2007
5:23 am
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

Maybe it is a little of both on both our part. I have been hesitant because I have not even started on my Daddy diary, and for another reason. If you melt down, and even if I'm online, I might lose my connection, or someone might come to the door. You have told me on different occasions that you have to back away from the subject of your mom, so that's why I've waited. And maybe a little with me too. I held back, worried how you would react.

I fell asleep last night before 8, and woke up at 2. Now I can't go back to sleep. I remember this happening before when I started on these meds. I am really kicking myself for cutting back the dose and doing this to myself! The neighbors across the street only have a generator for their power supply, and the hum of that is driving me crazy.

I imagine if I am able to go back to sleep, I will oversleep, so I will wish you a good day now. Tomorrow is hump day!!

(((Roux)))

May 16, 2007
7:51 am
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ggfred4
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bev,

I was out of bed at 2:20 a.m. and up for a couple of hours....ugh...I hope you feel better today.

Do your neighbors always use a generator? I was thinking about the cost of gasoline now. Gosh, when you mentioned the generator, it reminded me of the few days we tried to stay home with one after the hurricane had hit. I still remember that sound, so I understand your inability to sleep.

tump, remember, whenever YOU are ready and only then, okay?

Love you, gg

May 16, 2007
6:13 pm
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bevdee
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GG

They use the generator until August when it is so unbearably hot, and have the utilities hooked up for a couple of months. Until then, they sleep in a little trailer outside the main one! The first time I heard it I thought a big truck was barreling down the road. I think they use it when it gets real cold here, but that's not too often. It would be nice if I could do that, but I like my niceties. The kids come over here alot to ask if they can borrow my computer. I always say no, and they always come back.

I actually feel better today- I guess I am getting used to the meds again, and since I haven't eaten too much, my sugar didn't swoop around so much today. I plan on going to bed early again.

I'll be around till about 8. I hope you had a good day.

May 16, 2007
6:46 pm
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ggfred4
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I am glad you are feeling a bit better, Bev!!! I am actually trying a new recipe...I don't even like cooking! It is one of Emeril's...crawfish cakes. I don't know what possessed me to do this today, but I am. It is an easy recipe, the only kind I choose!

I will be around. Tomorrow is my appt. I have tried not to think about it.

(((tump)))

May 16, 2007
7:05 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady!!

I would much rather be cooking crawfish cakes than what I have let myself get roped into tonight. I am going to help my neighbor rip the skirting off her trailer. This shouldn't take too long!! 🙁 Next week we are going to replace pvc pipes! Ah this life is a constant lesson.

I need to find some high protein- low carb recipes and get serious again. Next week, I will have time to shop and cook, so we might be able to share recipes.

I'll check back with you in a little bit.

May 16, 2007
7:16 pm
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ggfred4
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I made a checklist of do's for the summer. A new diet was number one! I ate nothing for breakfast, animal cookies for lunch, and a bag of peanuts for a snack. Now I am frying crawfish cakes. I have got to change my lifestyle immediately. When I work, I just grab and go...I definitely need some pointers. I am supposed to go get another fasting blood sugar test next week...ugh.

I am also going back to the treadmill and bike at the gym..I want to go 3-4 weekday mornings early, come home and do a little yardwork, then swim. That is what I am hoping to accomplish in the mornings.

I am also going to try and force myself to go for my neurology follow-up, therapy, and finally the horrid gyn checkup which I am way behind on. I read what you wrote mich on what they do after 50!

Now, I am talking real big here because I haven't done anything yet, but I need to set some goals. I will have so much free time during the weekday with everyone gone.

Going to finish dinner...

gg

May 16, 2007
9:42 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

There are tons of sites that have low carb recipes. I just found this one - lowcarbcafe. If you google that, you might find some good recipes with sugar substitutes. I'm not too sure about zucchini pancakes, though!

May 16, 2007
10:55 pm
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ggfred4
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Thank you for the site...about zucchini pancakes...UGH!!!

I have been staying busy running errands and think I also cooked what I did so I do NOT have to think about tomorrow. I am scared!!! Yet, I know that I need help. My nerves are already causing my body to feel shaky...

May 16, 2007
11:04 pm
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bevdee
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GG

Just go? My first visit was mostly about them getting a history from me so they could form a prelim assessment. The talking and crying I did was only for about 15 minutes.

I know how nervous you are. (((Roux)))

May 16, 2007
11:08 pm
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armyleo
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Yes, gg I remember those feelings...The nervousness, shaking etc.

I sat on a sofa, which had many comfy pillows...I didn't realize until the last meeting, that I would grab one, and hold on to it in front of me...

Maybe I was unconsiously closing up...holding the pillow on my lap so no one could get close?

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow....
(((gg)))

May 16, 2007
11:09 pm
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ggfred4
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Did you say even filling out the history was difficult? I hope this woman works out. I hope I can talk period. I am really shy at first with people until I get to know them. Oh, and if I really feel comfortable with them, you can't shut me up!!!

May 16, 2007
11:31 pm
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bevdee
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GG

What was difficult for me was filling out the history honestly, because my family always minimised or denied their mental illness. I took a deep breath and wrote it all out. She didn't shriek when she read it, and no one came out from the back offices to stare at me. 🙂

I told the truth and it was ok.

I'm kinda shy at first too- believe it or not.

May 16, 2007
11:40 pm
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ggfred4
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That did not surprise me for you to tell me that you are kinda shy at first...not at all.

I want so much for this to work because I need help; I need hope right now. Yet, I know how I struggle expressing my feelings face to face....big time.

May 16, 2007
11:41 pm
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bevdee
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Let her ask the questions, then. You don't have to make it a presentation.

Could you print off the letters to... that you have written? That would be a good start.

May 16, 2007
11:50 pm
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ggfred4
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Gee, would that overwhelm her?...Damn, I am worried about the therapist's feelings now....I don't even know if I am going to like her.

Hey, thought you were going to bed early???

May 16, 2007
11:53 pm
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bevdee
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No that won't overwhelm her. When I asked mine, she said yes she wanted to read the journaling. You will not be a burden to her. For one thing, you are paying her to help you. She is not going to be your pal outside of that office. She may feel like a friend after a while, once you start to trust her, but you don't have to please her at all.

I tried to go to bed early, but I can't. Sometimes I feel like there is some psychic stuff going on here.

May 16, 2007
11:59 pm
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ggfred4
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Gee, that trust word...that is a tough one for me. I can't sleep either. It has been a hard week at school and tomorrow we are having another lockdown drill and the last one kinda triggered some bad memories. We had to sit quietly in the DARK in the classroom all huddled near my desk away from the windows and door. During that time of silence which seemed forever, it triggered the night I was alone after the attack in the dark....waiting...waiting..

May 17, 2007
12:03 am
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bevdee
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Well, if you get a good feeling from the therapist, it might be a relief to talk about those feelings with her, too.

I remember you telling me about the last drill. Maybe this time you can think of something to tell yourself- like no one is coming to hurt me, I will be ok. It's safe and no one is going to hurt me, no one is going to hurt me

May 17, 2007
12:10 am
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bevdee
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Miss Roux-

I suddenly feel exhausted. Look for poitive and encouraging energy coming at you tomorrow. 4 o'clock, right?

I hope you sleep well, tonight.

(((Roux)))

May 17, 2007
12:13 am
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ggfred4
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Night tump...thanks for talking...yep, 4 p.m.

(((bev)))

May 17, 2007
8:18 am
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bevdee
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GG

Well, my last 2 days at this great job and I am going to be covering the area by myself. The SB took today and Friday off. I might be very busy (twice the work), and not able to come home for lunch. But I might not- I never know, and this is why I'm posting now.

I'll be thinking of you at 4. I'll be thinking of you at 3- as you prepare to leave.

I'll "send" you some courage.

(((Rouxlady)))

May 17, 2007
9:09 am
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ggfred4
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Thank you tump...I am not surprised SB did this to you. Well, she earned her name didn't she? I am sorry you have to work so hard on your last two days, but 2 days left!!! Yea!

I am going to be busy today and that should help. I will have a 40 min. drive from work to get there and that is when my mind will go into action.

(((bev)))

May 17, 2007
4:17 pm
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bevdee
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You are probably fixin to leave now. Feel my hand on the back of your shoulder, guiding you to your car....

(((Roux)))

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