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hey tump...r u around?
May 29, 2007
12:43 pm
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ggfred4
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tump, I think you are right about the self-preservation...it is what I know...it has always worked....but now, for the first time, it is not comfortable.

Odd that you bring up carpets. I will be shampooing a room today. My daughter's dog had an accident on it last night...ugh...

Sounds like a nice afternoon planned. I too tend to wear the same fashion...the school teacher look, oxford shirts and pants with brown leather shoes. I do like capris a lot with flip flops, my h hates them.

Enjoy your afternoon tump...

Love you,
gg

May 29, 2007
4:40 pm
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Friendma
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(((((GG)))))

May 29, 2007
11:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((gg))))

I love you sis. I am thinking of you and holding you tight. I will chat with you soon I hope.

(((gg)))

May 30, 2007
1:30 am
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bevdee
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Roux

I want to wish you courage for tomorrow- at your appointment. I'm thinking of you.

May 30, 2007
8:36 am
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ggfred4
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thank you tump...

May 30, 2007
1:31 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((GG))))))))))

May 30, 2007
2:04 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks for the sweet hug, friendma!!!

I just got back and feel like someone put an eggbeater to my brain. I am getting ready to go outside while there is still sunshine and journal whatever is scrambled up there. There were three times when I choked up and fought back tears; that surprised me. Of course, I kept them from coming out and it was like the old me in action, not letting someone see my feelings. Anyway, gonna see if I can get my head cleared a bit.

tump, is everything o.k.??????

gg

May 30, 2007
2:32 pm
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bevdee
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(((Roux)))

You are another brave little toaster. I'm so glad you made it to your appointment. Hmmm - now that makes 2. Isn't it suggested that you try it at least 3 times?

It has been storming here- lots of thunder boomers. This scares two of the dogs, and they come and glom on me everytime it thunders.
🙁 poor babies. My i-net always comes in and out when it storms- one of the drawbacks of being so far out in the country. I've spent the whole morning trying to stay online to sign up for my benefits package. So cool that I can do that from home in my bathrobe, but every time the i-net went down, I lost everything I had enrolled for. Frustrating. Oh- AND the satellite goes in and out- so no TV!

My thoughts are with you this afternoon. GG- it's ok to cry. It's like bad or something not to.

(((LittleRoux)))

May 30, 2007
5:36 pm
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ggfred4
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Tump, Today was not any easier getting in that building and I thought it would be. I had a momentary panic and had to sit in the car for 5 min. before I would go in. We talked about my parents a little bit and you know what? I keep finding myself getting angry at my mom when I think it would be more towards my dad? I mean that I start talking about my dad and then a negative remark comes out about my mom. This is actually a recent thing.

The majority of the time was spent on my self-esteem and my marriage. The more I talked about my h, the worse I felt about us. We also talked about my codependency and how it relates to my h and children. During the discussion, questions and answers, I came to the conclusion ( not a new one), that I am pretty pathetic now. I know and I told her that I was not always like that, but have gotten progressively worse the last few years. She asked me if I knew what triggered the progressive change in my behavior. I didn't know though. Now, after thinking about the time frame, I believe I have gotten worse when I started remembering my past more and confided in a few only to get rejected. The two I had told gave me these responses: You need to give it to God and let him take care of it....and, That is your past, you need to get over it. Oh, and both said that they really couldn't deal with it. I felt like I had the Black Plague. I had finally thought I could trust someone with my secrets. It was so hard for me to get that out and took a long time for me to even feel comfortable talking about it. Then a few year later, last year, I confided with the coworkers that drunken night...only to be rejected again. I won't make that mistake again. I can't.

She asked me what I would like to do now that I am off of school. I had no thoughts and she asked why. I told her it didn't matter, because it wouldn't happen. She asked again, Why? Then she asked again to please tell her something I would like to do for fun this summer if I could do anything. I asked, anything? She said yes, so I told her I would love to go home, pack, and hit the road on a road trip. I would love to travel and visit my friends that live far. Now of course, I am a scaredy cat and don't think I could stay in a hotel by myself, but it was a fun thought.

We talked more about my marriage, and that I need to stand up for myself and find out what the consequences might be instead of assuming them.

Finally, I asked her if there was anything I could do to move forward, strategies, steps, anything? She looked seriously at me and said, I would like you to get away from your h and your adult children and find and pamper yourself. I laughed. Yea, like that could happen. She ignored me and said, I would like you to get away for the whole summer, but a month or at the least two weeks would benefit you. She said I needed to get away to concentrate on myself.
Oh well, don't know how that could happen.

Just finished weeding a flower bed around a tree, when I felt intense pain on my right hand and then my upper arm. I looked ant there were red fire ants all over my arm. I am not capable of running now, but I walked as fast I could to the pool and got my arm in it quickly. YIKES!!!

Hope you are enjoying your time off and please keep those thunderstorms from going SE!!!

(((tump))) Thanks for listening to me, it means a lot......gg

May 30, 2007
6:12 pm
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ggfred4
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Too late tump, thunderstorm is here!!!

May 30, 2007
6:21 pm
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bevdee
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GG-

Thank you for sharing your day with me. I had a thought about your fear of being alone. First of all- we could start a thread!!! What do you do ....

But what if you went somewhere for one night. Rent a room and go see a show or something. You don't have to go to a big city- you could just pick a small town, or a medium town... Just a thought. I will tell you something that helps me- that's the fan. I keep a fan running- plus I have the dogs.

Another thing I keep meaning to replace is my little sound machine with sounds of nature. The stream of the storm will just lull me to sleep.

One night- a practice run. Whatcha think?

May 30, 2007
6:23 pm
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bevdee
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stream or

not stream of

May 30, 2007
7:11 pm
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ggfred4
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I have a fan and sound machine too. I always set the sound machine on rain...love that sound. I don't know about the practice run, tump. I don't even sleep alone, much less in a room alone. I'll think on it.

The new thread sounds fine.

May 30, 2007
7:34 pm
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bevdee
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If you try it for one night? You have a cell phone.

What would you do if your husband had to spend a night in the hospital? Pre-op or something?

May 30, 2007
7:40 pm
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ggfred4
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Haven't ever had that happen. When he used to go away on business, the kids were little and would fight to see who could sleep with me...usually, all of them ended in the bed! I actually would like to sleep alone in my bed, but I think someone would have to be in the house. I know I am sounding closeminded and I am sorry since you are trying to help.

May 30, 2007
7:46 pm
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ggfred4
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If this would all go my way, I would like an idea to become available and affordable for me to leave my home for two weeks or more, but I would be happy with two weeks. Then would be the hardest part, telling my h and dealing with the reaction. I would have to leave soon after that because life here would become horrible as he would try everything demeaning, etc. to get me to not go. So, if I got past that with him and the kid's and their comments, I would love to take off and not contact them during that time...that would be hard, but I think it is for the best. They are all adults. Okay, snap, wake me up, I am dreaming again...

gg

May 30, 2007
8:06 pm
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bevdee
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OK

How long has it been since you spent a night alone?

May 30, 2007
8:16 pm
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ggfred4
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As in a night ALONE, or alone in my bed with kids home?

May 30, 2007
8:17 pm
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bevdee
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Alone

May 30, 2007
8:20 pm
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ggfred4
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Maybe college??? I know your mouth is gaping now...

May 30, 2007
8:24 pm
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bevdee
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Here is why I am asking. The neighbor friend? States she can't be alone. Since her son moved out when she married that guy, and now that guy is in prison- she is alone, and she really has a hard time with it. She just flat out says "I can't be alone".

She has a chihuahua, and that helps her - to have something to cuddle, and she calls me alot late at night. When she calls it is never to talk about anything in particular, just to see what I am doing. . She shows herself to be online until all hours of the night. There is an old boyfriend that she occupies alot of her time with- on the messenger.

SHe tells me that she can't sleep for her "mind-chatter".

May 30, 2007
8:35 pm
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ggfred4
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I think, but not sure that a lot of my fears at night are due to my past abuse.

May 30, 2007
8:39 pm
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bevdee
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Remember when you told me you had another drill and you were afraid that you would have another flashback? You never said if it happened again- the flashback? Do you remember?

May 30, 2007
8:40 pm
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ggfred4
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You won't believe what I just did? I called my mom. For once, she answered the phone and we did our own mindless chattering. I stepped back and observed my feelings in the conversation. I felt like I was talking to a coworker or even a stranger, but not a mother. We signed off with her saying, Thanks for calling and I said thank you. We haven't talked in a month, ever since I declined the family trip.

Now, why did I call her? I don't know. I even drove by the house I grew up in which was 10 min. from therapist in the next town. Why? I don't know.

(((tump)))

May 30, 2007
8:42 pm
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ggfred4
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Bev, they changed the drill to another drill that didn't require sitting in the dark with everything locked and shut down, so no flashback. Oh yea, I remember the flashback....

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