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hey tump...r u around?
May 26, 2007
6:32 pm
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ggfred4
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cyn, Yes, it is an assumption on my part. He has had previously snide remarks in the past concerning issues that showed ignorance and prejudice about women. Yes, he believes in abuse/sexual abuse.

bev, about the money issue, I would think that would not have anything to do with it...think he has compared what I had compared to him and since I had more, I am spoiled. Maybe if I was spoiled, abuse couldn't happen???? I don't know. His disbelief won't make it untrue. It would mean my marriage would be over though.

May 26, 2007
9:18 pm
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cyndra820
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Maybe he thinks that abuse only happens in households that don't have enough money. You would have to ask him.

If that's the case then he needs to read the books by the children of Lana Turner, Joan Crawford, and Bing Crosby. Those people were abusive and they all had money. I'm sure there are others, but those are the ones that come immediately to mind.

Just because someone's family has money doesn't mean they are spoiled. I'm an only child and I hear that so often. My mother's salary never made it to where mine is now. He first job after she and my step-father seperated only paid $15k. Granted that was almost 30 years ago, but she still struggled.

What does your husband say about abuse? Would your marriage really be over if he does believe that people who are from comfortable or well-off families can't be abused? Why do you say that?

May 26, 2007
11:37 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay, first I want you both to understand that my family did not have money. We were just average folk, but my h's family had little. I don't think I explained myself well, but I was pretty stressed by his remarks today. I don't think money was involved with the idea of abuse. The topic of abuse is seldom if ever discussed due to my avoidance of the subject. He watches shows such as CSI and Without a Trace and doesn't comment on shows dealing with abuse. I just think he has made some remarks I did not like when it dealt with adults, not children. My remark about my marriage being over...that is if he did not believe me about my abuse.

I still feel I didn't explain myself well, but that is the best I can do for now.

May 27, 2007
5:45 am
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ggfred4
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tump, hope all is going well for you at work!

May 27, 2007
3:39 pm
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bevdee
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(((Rouxlady)))

Work is fine. It's busy, but that is helping to keep me awake. I was a little worried about that part. I'm sorry that your first day of your long awaited vacation was stressful!

I hope you're having a better day.

May 27, 2007
4:43 pm
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ggfred4
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(((tump))) The day is better now because I just got back from bargain shopping...fun, fun, fun....

Now the a.m. didn't start too well. Got freaked out again when my h, who thought this was playful, grabbed my arms hard and pushed me down on my back on the bed...I got out of it all, but felt breathless. Strange weekend...

We have a graduation party to go to and I am not going to feel too comfortable there. As soon as I walk in, straight to their bar I go. Luckily it is only for 2 hours.

Hope you got some rest today.

gg

May 27, 2007
11:37 pm
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ggfred4
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I am finally ready to address the mamadrama issue… First, these are my highlights from your post that tugged and sometimes grabbed my heart:

“I would be angry at her even if I considered the possibility that she knew then, or knows now”….”a conspiracy of silence for 40 years” …”the possibility of her knowing and doing nothing. That is too horrendous to contemplate.” – I still cannot deal with this possibility. It is too painful for me to even consider. I hope this is not stupidity on my part and yet, I don’t want to wonder for the rest of my life either. ?????

“I believe this is why you shy away from thinking about your mother. You can’t allow yourself to acknowledge the anger.” Bingo! Now this was one realization, thanks for pointing it out to me. This really grabbed me.

“You were trained by them to always shove your feelings back-for the sake of keeping a *peace*, your peace? Their peace?” Another thought for me to ponder…

“You are entitled to feel anger at the way you were abused.” Thank you for the word entitled – I am just wondering when that anger is coming???

“Their sense of security rests with your silence.”…Again, never thought of that until I read it. Wow, they really have been secure with me then.

“They taught you what he did was acceptable and that your boundaries mean nothing. That your body and your heart mean nothing to them.” I don’t even know what to say here, but it tugged at me.

“She became your abuser, too.” This is so hard for me to think about it, yet I have started feeling anger towards her the last 2 years and I didn’t know why.

“To uphold that image of themselves-your father controlled ya’ll’s fear of his anger. This is why you are afraid of anger-anyone’s.” Yes, I get very afraid to be around angry people and get quite fearful at the thought of anyone angry with me.

“He shielded your mother from you.” Is this why I do not feel close to her?
“Your father controls you with fear. Your mother controls you with guilt.” TRUE

“You don’t believe that your opinions and feelings are important. You ignore your feelings because you were taught they did not matter. You stuff back anger, because that is all you were ever taught to do.” This was very on target, tump. For ex., I talked to a friend tonight and she asked how I was. I usually say “fine” because I don’t think I matter and I am even uncomfortable sometimes when people ask about me. Yes, I have stuffed back anger, but I think it is starting finally come out and that scares me.

About the comparison of my h to my dad…Never thought about that…don’t want it to be true, but I am going to think and observe on that situation more.

“You and your heart and your self-esteem were the sacrifice necessary for your parents to be able to hide the truth from themselves and from the world.” This was a biggie…don’t know what to say

“You have a right to be angry….because you are a human being with a full range of emotions, not the little robot your parents tried to raise. Your anger is there, deep within you and you have to acknowledge the anger before you can release it.” I actually identified with the term “robot”, always trying to be a good girl and please my parents. I don’t understand HOW to acknowledge my anger though.

I want to thank you for caring enough to write your post and I also want to thank you for your honesty. Your perspective was incredible and has given me a lot to think about. Things from my past actually make sense because of some things you wrote.

I have not talked to my parents in awhile and am glad they have not called either. I know they are very disappointed that I am not going on the “family trip”.

My parents are both 75 years old and my dad has colon cancer and cannot survive chemotherapy. Right now, I don’t know what to do. Denial and avoidance have been my previous ways of survival, but that doesn’t seem to work anymore.

Thank you so much bev… I love you.

May 28, 2007
10:30 am
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bevdee
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Miss Rouxlady!

I love you too. I don't havea much to add to that, except that my parents age is something that "gets in the way" when I think of talking to them anymore. My daddy is 70. It holds me back.

I didn't get much rest yesterday. The neighbors across the road either don't get that I work midnights or they don't care, because both weekends now, they have come knocking at 2 in the afternoon. So- that's like being awakened 2 hours early. I wasn't too busy last night, so the night went well. Iam not used to walking so much- to being on my feet. That's gonna take some getting used to! Ah- my body is sore!

I hope you have nice plans for yourslef today.

May 28, 2007
11:04 am
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ggfred4
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tump, yea the age factor of the parents is tough...real tough...

About your neighbors; You may have to remind them or resort to a sign on the door??? How about: Shh! Tump is resting!...or, Beware! Shiftworker has to sleep or else!...

About your soreness, do you have any aromatherapy bath stuff? You could schedule a massage tomorrow?

My h is working today and I am trying to get my girls to organize...One is still sleeping, one is organizing, and one is trying to avoid me...I have been organizing a bit and read more in the hypoglycemic index book this a.m. I have a list of phone calls to take care of in the a.m....lots of past due appts. The first phone call-p.t. I need to get back in and see what the deal is there.

I bought something interesting to cook for dinner today...a deboned fryer stuffed with shrimp!!!...mushrooms stuffed with Italian sausage (I don't like mushrooms, but love Italian sausage, hate mushrooms)...canteloupe and watermelon.

Hope you get some sleep today...You want me to come up there and hang a sign on your door? LOL

gg

May 28, 2007
11:13 am
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

"a deboned fryer stuffed with shrimp!!!..." Is that Tony Chachere's? I think I had something like that once and it was rightous!! I'm going to look for it again when I go to the store.

My neighbors are past annoying sometimes- the mom works midnights!

I am going to save my money but I decided that today is for sleeping and tomorrow is for grooming me. Facials, Nair and eyebrow plucking! I am also going to make lasagna tomorrow.

May 28, 2007
11:27 am
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ggfred4
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Tump, no, it is not Tony's (the seasoning is a staple for us)...there are several meat markets here that make deboned fryers with a variety of stuffings.

Glad you brought up the Nair, I need to do some of that myself. Now, I did start getting my eyebrows waxed a year or so ago and need to go again. Yikes! My appt. is Wednesday and I had to promise to do something nice for myself by then...kinda broke though...gotta think of something quick here...

(((tump)))

May 28, 2007
10:43 pm
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bevdee
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Roux

I keep Tony's in the cupboard, too. And always - garlic. Oh yeah- Louisiana Hot Sauce and Cholula HOt Sauce too. Gotta have those! This gives me an idea- one of my aunts- that cousin's mother- gave me an old Tony C. cookbook. I believe I will pull that out of my collection and find a new recipe to try! This will be one of my projects this week.

I told you I'm cheap! I pluck my own eyebrows now. I'm soaking my feet, getting them soft so I can slough them. I'm using a eucalyptus soak, which is also good for sinuses.

I had a nice sleep today, and the nice man brought me some supper on his way to Dallas.

May 28, 2007
11:03 pm
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ggfred4
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Tump,

I am cheap when it comes to me, but I can't see to pluck my eyebrows anymore. I am thinking of trying contacts, but again, more money for the checkup. If I had contacts in, I could maybe do my own eyebrows. I tried contacts 3 years ago and loved them, but they did not love me when it came to driving. I am hoping there are some new ones out now that will work...

I LOVE eucalyptus. One of my favorite things is to put the stress relief eucalyptus body wash from Bath and Body Works in the tub..hmm....I have the linen spray too and I like to spray my pillowcase with it.

About an hour and half from my house is the Tabasco headquarters. There is a store with all the products, the factory where you can take a tour, and a beautiful nature trail to walk on...and yes, there are alligators in the lake. I love the Tabasco sweet and hot pickles.

Sounds like a good day...nap, dinner, and ???

(((tump)))

p.s. guess no moaning alone tonight...LOL

May 28, 2007
11:11 pm
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bevdee
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GG- I can't see my eyebrows either, so I got a 10x magnifying mirror. Of course- the drawbacks are that you can see every pore and blemish! Every frown line. Eeeeek. It helps me see fine eyebrow hairs though. Once a hairdresser looked at the wax after he pulled it off my brow that it was like frog hair!

Ooh alligators! I saw a tarantula crossing the highway this morning on the way home! Have you ever seen a Wolf spider?

May 28, 2007
11:16 pm
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ggfred4
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tump, I do not know what a wolf spider is and a tarantula!!! omg...that is scary.

What did you have for dinner?

gg

May 28, 2007
11:31 pm
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bevdee
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Wolf spider's look like tarantulas from a distance but they are brown. Very hairy, very burly spiders. My daddy said he used to play with them. Hey, one day last summer I was sitting on the side porch. The chihuahua was out running around in the yard, and started yapping. I looked over and there was a tarantula rared up and waving 2 of its legs at Killer. I screamed and the nosy neighbor across the road came over looked at it and ran back across the street. I grabbed Killer, and the guy comes back and shoots the tarantula. 3 times! What a show-off- it wasn't that big.

We have Nutria here, too. Especially near this lake. My neighbor has seen them in her shed- they ate some jumper cables. Those Nutria just gross me out.

I had tacos.

May 28, 2007
11:40 pm
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ggfred4
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Ole' Ole'...

When you live close to nature, you get to have nature's friends as guests!

I have a long list of phone calls to make in the a.m. I need to get back into p.t. a.s.a.p. I want to start a walking program tomorrow too. I also want to start drinking water...I hope I will motivate myself enough to stick with it all.

(((tump)))

May 28, 2007
11:54 pm
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ggfred4
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tump, just wondering...Ever since I posted back to the mamadrama post, I feel almost zombie-like. I feel little if any emotion. I don't get it. I am not thinking about it at all and it just seems like I am in a dream???

May 28, 2007
11:59 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((gg and Bev)))

May 28, 2007
11:59 pm
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bevdee
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GG

Yes, I rememeber feeling that way too. First, after getting my feelings out I feel drained. Then a little lighter. I think the numbness might be a defense mechanism, like a wound starting to scab up, you know? I could be wrong, but that's how I saw it.

May 29, 2007
12:03 am
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ggfred4
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I felt drained after it, but now I feel so numb, almost like I never posted. I don't even allow myself to think about it. Now what???

May 29, 2007
12:04 am
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bevdee
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Hello Michigan, you magnificent woman!

May 29, 2007
11:47 am
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

Now what? Hmmm - can you write some more? You don't have a deadline, you don't have to present it as if in a class.... You don't have to hurry- there's no timeline.

You have an appointment this week? You might could talk about it then. Or you could talk about it here. You could wait and see what other thoughts come to you, because in my experience there are always gonna be more.

May 29, 2007
12:01 pm
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My appt. is tomorrow...I really have no thoughts right now...none...numb...

What are your plans today? I think we are having isolated thunderstorms all week.

May 29, 2007
12:32 pm
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bevdee
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Rouxlady

Maybe you can just allow yourself to be numb? Would that be ok? Is there any way to know? Any yardstick? Maybe the numbness is a self preservation thing- because it's all you know right now.

I have no plans, other than to watch my carpets get muddier and muddier as I let the hounds of hell in and out of my back door. I have to wait till it stops raining and the low yard dries out to shampoo. Who know when that will be? It drives me crazy having a sand colored carpet!!

I do need to get up in a few and take a bath. I am meeting my neighbor after she gets off work to try out this Asian grill place. Then we are going to go window shopping at a little clothing store. Still no money for either of us, but we have fun doing it. I tend to get stuck in the same fashion, and she is great at spotting styles that look good on me - things that I would overlook. She would be a great make-over-ist, because she has that eye. She got me out of the Mom-pants - as she called them.

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