tump, I am afraid I will forget this so I want to get this out. I don't want you to think on it, just listen when you have time...okay, guess read it. My daughter was sick today and asked me to lay down with her for a little. I talked about this later with a few friends and they said even as an adults, they want to be comforted by their mom if they were sick. I felt like I blurted out NOT ME! I have been thinking about it in the last few minutes and I realize that I have no inkling, desire, or anything to be around my mom for comfort at all...NONE...Do I want to be comforted? Yes, now more than ever...guess I need to get that out of my head.

(((tump)))

Okay tump, should we just get over what will never be? For me though, I do NOT want any comfort from her. OMG, after I just typed that, it is hitting me that I don't see her as a mom to me. OMG, I think I see her a my biological mom, a sweet lady, yet weak and lazy, but almost no connection between us. OMG!!! This is disturbing...she is my mother! I call her out of duty, never because I want to. OMG, this seems twisted...gotta think, don't like this realization,,,I think? shit, shit shit!!!

gg

Sorry tump, I know you are mentally tired...I shouldn't have spilled...going to find something to do if I can..We can do this later...

I have NO clue...I feel conflicted here.

When I would follow the mamadrama issues with you, mich, and others; I was drawn to it. I thought it was only because I cared about all of you. Yet, later, I knew there was more and that is why I posted that once to you. I didn't know these feelings that I realized earlier. Damn tears now.

You ask what I think? I DON'T KNOW or is it that I don't like what I am feeling...just feel conflicted now.

Please, this can wait, don't want to be a bother...seriously...

She is my mother; I know she loves me. My feelings seem wrong. Yet, I don't want to hug her or her hug me. I hate sending the necessary Mother's Day cards and birthday cards. It doesn't make sense.

We are the only one in my family not taking a family trip to Gatlinburg in a month. Why? I don't want to. I made excuses not to go, the money one...always works. My h even said, you know we could really go if you want to; that scared me. I told him no, we need to spend money on yada, yada, yada and besides you wouldn't want to stay in a big house with my dad. It shut him up.

My mother was orphaned, in the middle of 5 kids and raised by her grandmother. She has always been very quiet and she has no friends. She did visit with neighbors when I was young when they made the effort. She always puts down herself if you compliment her. She can financially buy whatever she wants for herself, yet she wears the same ol' clothes and shoes. She did start buying nice perfumes and face products I noticed. Now she does buy nice things for her house. I am trying to think of things, but feel she has always been unnoticed in my memories. My dad dominated our household and I remember him the most. I am thinking still about me being in the hospital when I was 8. My mom would always give me what I needed materially, I just never remember hugs, kisses, etc. She even told me that several times as a young child that I had high fever 104 or 105 and that my dad would wash me down in the tub. It just seems she stayed in the background. Yet, she always speaks of my dad in the proudest of ways and smiles lovingly doing that. Enough down memory lane and that is a short road...

Maybe I am selfish here, didn't get my way, what I wanted and now I have ill feelings? Am I rejecting the connection, was there a connection at all? I do know that I do NOT like today's realization...not one bit.

(((tump)))

My great grandmother was a retired school teacher and widow living in a little 2 bedroom house. It was during the depression when she took these 5 children in, around 1939. My mom seldom talks about it, mostly my aunt told me some. Then W.W.II and rationing, so yes, times were probably very hard for my mom. Okay, feeling guilty here.

Yea, guess she does have low self-esteem. I told her last year that I had a memory of her going somewhere with my dad when I was young and she wore this dark pink suit and I thought how beautiful she was. She didn't remember the suit and dismissed my thoughts on her beauty.

The more I am talking, the more selfish and guilty I am feeling.

tump, I need to get this out now...this just happened a little while ago...

Mu h and I just came home and came upstairs to change
clothes after running errands in the next city. He has never done this before, but he took
his belt off and popped it lightly on my thigh. (I
don't know if I have ever told any of you that when he
takes his belt off at night, it freaks me out, the
familiar sound) Well, my eyes caught his and must have
looked startled and I said "don't". He said something
like, you act like you have ever been whipped with a
belt. I said, yes, I have! He said that I wouldn't
have ever been whipped with a belt, I was too spoiled
as a child. My h has always said I was spoiled because
he was poor, so because I had nicer things, that made
me spoiled. I had to leave the room at that point and
gain composure. When I reentered the bedroom, he said,
"Now I guess you are going to tell me you were abused
too!"...and he laughed.

My first thoughts were that comments like that are
another reason I would never be believed by him or whoever.

I wanted to beat him up, but am sitting here trying to calm myself.
UGH...that hurt!

He can be such an ass!

No, he didn't. He knows and has experienced my dad's anger. By his tone and remarks, he would not believe me...