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hey tump...r u around?
May 13, 2007
10:33 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay, I just finished taking a personality test prompted by your remark. I would love for you to take it...took less than 3-4 min.
http://discoveryhealth.queendo.....ccess.html

Let me know...

love you tump!

May 13, 2007
10:39 pm
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bevdee
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I'm a 70- and I was commended on my middle ground. I don't know bout that.

May 13, 2007
10:41 pm
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ggfred4
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OMG....I scored a 70!!! same remarks...I even answered some cannot say...OMG...

I think I get it about switching sides...understandable...you ok?

May 13, 2007
10:46 pm
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bevdee
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Roux

Yeah sure I'm ok. Sometimes all of us that get on this thread chitchat and sometimes we joke around, so I have been thinking for several days that it might be better to do this over here, and remove it from the traffic of support.

However, there is nothing in the guidelines that I am aware of that states we can't support over here.

We both got 70! I don't honk at idiots in traffic- I just curse them!

May 13, 2007
10:55 pm
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ggfred4
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Was that one of the reasons for postponing the mamadrama stuff? Just wondering...

I hope that lady calls me tomorrow and that I don't have to call back.

Tomorrow will be hectic at school. Out of my hall with 8 adults, 5 will be gone on field trips and left with substitutes...UGH!!! The kids will try everything and I will have to be the hall bitch!

May 13, 2007
11:00 pm
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bevdee
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Well, what Shaney said about the way I write evoking emotions. It's usually the same few people that respond to my posts. Those that have the same issues as I do, I suppose.

Do you remember you said you want me to be online when I post it?

May 13, 2007
11:01 pm
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bevdee
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Well that sounds ridiculous- I would have to be online to post it. I meant that you asked that we both be online if I post it. Sorry for that- I guess I'm getting tired.

May 13, 2007
11:07 pm
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ggfred4
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Yes, I remember...I just would like to know you are around if I have any questions or thoughts. BUT, I said this will be on your time!!!

I think I am getting away for tonight, my eyes are tired....getting thirsty too and I am upstairs.

nite tump...thanks for being a wonderful friend....

May 13, 2007
11:11 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Bev and gg)))

Good to see you on this side...

Closer to home for me...

Love ya both!!!

May 14, 2007
8:14 am
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bevdee
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Roux

It's Monday!! Can you hear me screeching? I hope you have a tolerable one - I'll be thinking of you.

5more days 5moredays

May 14, 2007
9:06 am
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ggfred4
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Tump! Wow, just 5 days for you! I am going to have a tough day, but I got my bitch-mode ready!

May 14, 2007
6:17 pm
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ggfred4
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tump, survived a hard day...During my 2nd class, my cell phone rang and it was the therapist. I was shocked and immediately felt very awkward talking to her. Now, I had to do this at work and had to talk in a very low voice. She asked about me seeing her this week and I reminded her that I couldn't until 4p.m. any day because of school. I heard her hesitant sigh and knew she couldn't get me in. I told her I would wait a few weeks until June and quickly wanted her to just let me go. I didn't want to deal with it. Immediately she said, "No, I want to see you. Let me see.....how about Thursday at 4p.m.?" I wasn't expecting that answer and then I stammered out, "Okay." She then proceeded to give me directions. I shook for about 15 min. after that phone conversation.

Now all the "what ifs" are coming into play. What if I just can't make myself go? What if I went and just sat and couldn't speak? It is hard for me to meet people, kinda shy, especially at first. What have I gotten myself into? Why can't I deal with this on my own? ...and the list goes on...

I am trying to unwind now and think. I just know I am feeling very nervous and it 3 days away...ugh!!!

gg

May 14, 2007
7:20 pm
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bevdee
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Roux

I'm glad she called and set up an appointment. Did you tell me or Army once to get there and then go to the first 3 sessions? I remember you encouraged me to get myself there.

You'll do fine- just get there.

I'll post later this evening to you. There are some thoughts I need to get out about why I haven't posted about your MamaDrama. These are reasons of my own, and I still have to think some more on it.

My next-doorfriend is coming over to eat supper, and I'm trying to get this posted before she gets here. I keep listening for her little golf cart to come buzzing around the house.

Did it get hot today? It was already hot here this morning and all the cows were sitting in the ponds.

Later-

May 14, 2007
7:50 pm
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ggfred4
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tump, did I really give that advice to you and army? Gee, you have a great memory!!!

We just had a bad storm blow through here in the last 1 1/2 hours, lightening ( I hate lightening), thunder, unbelievable rain, and lots of hail. We seldom have hail down here, especially like we watched. It looked like ping pong balls bouncing sll over.

Bev, please do NOT feel obligated to post to me about that issue. I am serious...if this in any way causes any problems for you, please don't...

May 14, 2007
10:29 pm
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bevdee
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Roux

Did you have a tornado? We have those or near-tornadoes all the time. Pwetty scary.

May 14, 2007
10:43 pm
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bevdee
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May 15, 2007
12:14 am
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ggfred4
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tump, no tornado...just a bad storm...besides the lightning, I enjoyed it watching it and feeling the change in the air...

thanks for the info...just a little curious

May 15, 2007
1:49 am
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armyleo
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I am 55

"You seem to be in the middle between the Type A and Type B personality. In this case, the middle ground is good. Your attitude to life is more of the "smell the roses" kind and you know how and when to relax. Nonetheless, you realize that picking up a challenge and competing a little bit for your place in the sun can add some spice to your life. The equilibrium is important, so don't let your hostile, aggressive, and competitive alter ego take over too often. Generally, you are easy to be around, and people tend to feel relaxed and comfortable in your presence. Yours is a very healthy attitude towards life."

I don't know how much is true, being half to me sounds like being wishy washy - although the description makes me look all rosy and healthy?

May 15, 2007
7:47 am
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bevdee
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Army- I thought the same thing. I thought hmmm this quiz doesn't know me!

(((Army)))

May 15, 2007
8:54 am
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bevdee
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(((Rouxlady)))

Sending you my energy. ha. I am sighingly marching toward my countdown. I want so badly to tell off the SB and the dispatcher that hands out assignments- always making the SB's day easier. I'm biting my lips and trying to breathe deeply. That's not easy? Do you think trying to do both- would fall under the oxymoron category?

I hope your day is not too stressful and goes by quickly.

My mantra - 4moredays 4moredays keepyourmoughtshut don'tburnbridges

May 15, 2007
9:59 am
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ggfred4
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Good mantra tump! Kill her with kindness...LOL After assured of your vacation pay, let her have it!!! Breathe slowly tump, and focus on the countdown...You can do it!

Today, started out hectic as one person in the carpool was very late and we were very late to work. It wasn't her fault, she was sick. But, I missed a meeting and felt bad because the other sponsor had to carry the meeting. I hate that...must be that lean toward type A!!!

May 15, 2007
2:36 pm
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bevdee
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GG

I want to tell you this in way of explanation. The post about your MamaDrama has been easy for me to shelve because of the emotions it has brought out in me. I am going to post that to you when you want me to, but I had to admit all this to myself first.

Everyone talks about the failures of a mother. I make excuses for my daddy, because that's all I am able to do right now. So I understand when you say about your mother - she couldn't have known.

That's what I thought about my daddy, too. That's what I told myself for years. Because my mother beat me when he wasn’t around, and because we never told. If he saw the whelps on my legs, he never commented to me or asked me about it. I remember two occasions when he literally pulled her off of me, and said *K- that's enough* I remember the anger and fear in his voice. Both times he picked her up and carried her out of the room.

After she left him, unable or unwilling to admit the divorvce hurt us- two little girls, thrusting us into her new marriage with the minister, I learned early never to contradict her when she badmouthed my daddy. I learned not to because when I stood up for my daddy, I got slapped. Or something.

I still felt that he just should have known. As I got older, I told myself that he is not a mind reader, so he couldn't have. But there was always this distance between us, this great big space- I couldn't talk to him, and I wanted to, but I never wanted any trouble with my violent unpredictable mother. He couldn't talk to me, because nothing he said was right to me.

When I really got into the part of my therapy, 10 years ago, where I started trying to sift the lies from *truth* of my life, he was the only family member that was persistent in checking on me. He listened to me talk (about the subjects I could discuss - the sexual torment and the rapes were undiscussable- I knew he would be so uncomfortable talking about it, so I didn't). He listened to me rant and cry and he told me every time he was praying for me. Whatever - that praying, but he never gave up- he was persistent in his love and concern for me.

When it came time to ask him personal questions, I asked him if he would be willing to discuss some very personal, possibly embarrassing questions, and he said,"I'll try if you think it will help" (The circumstances surrounding my conception, their wedding date, and my mother's claim that he raped her)

He came through like a trooper. I could tell it embarrassed him, but he did it. I forgave a lot for that.

One day I asked him about the beatings, and he told me he was always afraid to leave me alone with her. Because he could tell she didn't like me. He told me he believed it was because I look exactly like him, and she hated him. I didn't ask this question, because I didn't want the answer, and because I didn't want to hurt his feelings - but I wanted to -*Then why did you let her have custody of me?* I still can't ask.

So-when I post to you that you have the right to your anger, I get upset because I have the right to mine at my daddy. And I don't know how to deal with it yet.

I was always able to shove back the pain at this unanswered question by reminding myself of the day I left Luc.

I never told my daddy about that situation either until I was ready to go. I only did it as a way of explanation, to give him my new address. He told me that he would like to help me move, but he was afraid if he saw Luc's face, he would hurt him. (My daddy used to be a scrapper, and got in a lot of trouble for it- but he always won.). I understood that- he knew his own temper better than I did.

The day I moved, my Mom and Stepdad were there, both with their guns, and a couple of good friends- with all their men folk. Show of force. Daddy pulled up in his truck, and hopped out with grampa's rifle. He walked over to my step dad and stuck his hand out to shake, and said,*I reckon we can let the women pack, and we'll haul the heavy stuff.*

My step dad shook his hand and said *That sounds good to me.* My daddy finally took up for me, at least to Luc. And I didn't even realise how much that mattered until I saw him pull up. For 18 years my daddy had never been in the same room with my step dad until that day.

I still have guilt and pain about my daddy.

This has been real hard for me to write. Very painful, This is all I can say for now. I don't think I want to journal or even think about this too hard for awhile. I believe I would rather do this with my therapist. So- my daddy's on the backburner for now.

This took longer than I expected, and my lunch hour is over. Ill get back later.

(((Roux)))

May 15, 2007
3:53 pm
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ggfred4
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(((tump))) I will post later when I get home. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share this 🙂

May 15, 2007
4:03 pm
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ggfred4
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tump:

"So-when I post to you that you have the right to your anger, I get upset because I have the right to mine at my daddy. And I don't know how to deal with it yet." This statement really tugged at me because I feel the same way. This statement helped me understand things a little better, so thank you.

Love,gg

May 15, 2007
6:11 pm
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ggfred4
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okay tump, I am home. I am ready for the mamadrama whenever you are ready to deliver. (I mean it, whenever YOU are ready)

gg

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