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Help:I need some spiritual advice
April 20, 2005
1:59 pm
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brownie
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I am in a conflict between my husband and my young friend.I am a god believer and i don't have too many friends that believe in god but i need some help and advice with this.I am in the process of getting a divorce.I been with my husband for 22 years and hes done nothing but cause me so much distress.When i first met him i was already depressed from being verbally,physical and sexual abuse from my parents.Then once i met him he had problems already and that made my depression worst from dealing with his crap for so long.

In the beginning it went from me helping him to get his self together.He did not want to work anymore because of caring for his family.Then he went on to drug and alcohol use.Then looking at pornography on the tv and internet.Finally hes sober but is very mean,controlling,manipulative and abusive verbally.He used to be physically abusive to me but stopped over the years.

He is in so much denial about his past and the things hes done to me.He want nothing to do with me and our kids.I have 3 beautiful daughters.He has put us out in the streets and wanted us to continue to stay in the shelter.I wanted to explain all this so your can have a better understanding of the reason i feel what i feel.

My question is is that i am in love with a 19 year old guy.I am 40 years old.Hes friends with my daughter which she does not like him anymore because he talks about people in a bad way.But he has ssi and i think that people have talked about him in a bad way.Hes nice and very much different.He does not smoke and so far have not seen him do drugs or hangs out.He likes me very much.We have talked and went for a walk one time or another.

The thing is is that am i committing adultery by fanticizing about him?I have told some people about it and they said i am committing adultery but yet my husband already committed adultery with the lusting of watching pornography and one time awhile back he had an attraction for this younger woman.Thats lusting isn't it?So i prayed to god about it and i am hurt and confused about this.I want to be with this guy because he makes me feel young and good about myself.He has a girlfriend but i don't know if its a serious thing or not.He still calls my teen and tells her about his girl but yet asks for me.I don't want to break up a persons relationship.I told my therapist about it and he said i should ask him how serious is his relationship.I hope i made sense explaining this.Its complicated at times.

I just want so much to be free and out of bondage with this destructive marriage.I have no feelings for my husband anymore.I feel numb.He has damaged completely.If god was to make him changed i still would not want to be with him.If i do it would take me a long time to wanna be with him or trust him or anything.He has strip my soul and dignity.Also too he used to be a god believer but not anymore and thats another reason why i don't want nothing to do with him.When i meet someone for now on they have to be a god believer and love kids.HE does not want to be responsible for us anymore.So this is where i'm at now.

Any given advice or suggestion would gladly be appreciated.

April 20, 2005
3:20 pm
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2bstrong
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Hi Brownie

You have so much going on in your life, and even in the tone of your letter I sense that you're opitmistic and want to take care of yourself, finally. Good for you.

Your marriage probably really ended along time ago, even though you have stayed "legally" married. I'm aware of what the bible says about adultery--however, you are getting a divorce, and it seems natural to seek companionship and comfort in others, regardless of the type of relationship--emotional, physical, spiritual. I think your therapist is right about talking to the guy about his relationship--and yours. Be open and honest. Find out what is there for both of you. It will only save you pain in the long run.

There are so many people out there, more than enough for everyone...

I think I always just ramble, I hope all of this makes sense. I'll say a prayer for you.

blessings...toobee

April 20, 2005
3:34 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Maybe I'm way out of line here, but the age of this fellow you say you're in love with seems important. You have been through so much that a relationship with an uncomplicated 19 year old would be like a mental holiday for you, like 2 weeks in a hotel without the kids after years without a vacation.

Do I think you could use the break? Absolutely! Do I think you should date anyone right now? Probably not. You are under so much stress, this is not the time to even think about a relationship. And maybe you are really in love, but maybe you should wait until your head is clear and you can really get in touch with how you feel, not now when you're in so much turmoil. Take it very, very slowly, would be my advice.

April 20, 2005
4:26 pm
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brownie
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Thank you so 2bstrong and jamaican wife.I appreciate both of your advice.

You can ramble all you want 2bstrong.Any advice from you is gladly appreciated.Everything you said makes alot of sense.Thank you for saying a prayer for me.I'm really gonna need it.

Thank you jamaican wife.I am not thinking of getting into a serious relationship now.I just basically wanna have a friendship for now.I'm aware of the fact that i am gonna need to be alone much longer.Because when i think about it i been alone for a year and some months now.But i may need to be alone.I'm just feeling so needy right now.I feel the need to be comfort of a man.This is my past catching up with me.When i was a teenager i was always serious in relationships.I never gave myself alone time.Always had to be in a relationship.Come to find out now what it was was that 2 things,the first was looking for a father figure,the second fear of abandonement.So i see now why this is happening all over again.

I know he sounds young but he is mature and intelligent in some ways.I would know my limits if i feel i am getting too close to him.I know it may not work out but i am willing to take a chance but not now.I just want us to be friends.Someone who i can talk to and someone who i can relate to.I will see where that will take us.But i just want to be sure i am doing the right thing by god most high.

Trust me i will take it slow.I don't want to leap too fast.Thats why if god sees its okay to deal with him then it will be a test for me and this young guy.

Thanks again.

April 21, 2005
1:27 am
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Desert Moon
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brownie

I am going through a similar struggle. My husband physically abused me and my children for 22 years and I have been separated/divorced now about 2 1/2 years. I met a guy also while going through my divorce. He is married as well we are best friends. Alot of you know I have been trying to detach and let him have his life without my interference. Anyways . . .

You would do well to just have a friendship with this guy, not a serious romance. It will only confuse you a great deal, as I am confused and hurting now. Get your divorce from your husband if he is abusing or neglecting you and if you and he both agree you have done everything to work it out. You need to be completely away from your situation, emotionally and legally, before getting into anything serious so you can be healthy as possible for any other relationship.

Give yourself alot of time to heal. Get councelling. but try not to go any farther with your friendship on an emotional level until you really know where your head is at - and his too. You may find as time goes by this is just a passing thing and you will save yourself and him a lot of hurt if hold off getting involved.

April 21, 2005
2:13 pm
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brownie
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Thank you so very much for the wonderful insight.

I'm so sorry for what your going through but know things will get better.Its never too late to start a new relationship.

I appreciate so much what you said.It hit a nerve because i was thinking yesterday that i really like this guy but i am a god believer and i cannot commit adultery by continously lusting.I do need to heal.I had no intentions of getting into a serious relationship with him.I just wanted us to be friends.I was feeling needy because of my past.I had a fear of being abandoned.i never been alone before i always got in and out of relationships when i was a teenager.So now i am paying for it.I have to definitely be alone to heal so that way i don't bring old baggage from my marriage into another relationship.

What it all boils down to is that what will be will be.If its meant for us to be together then it will be.

I don't know though if i should be his friend he may like me more and more but i will tell him that i need to be alone not in relationships now.

Thanks again desert.You are in my prayers.

April 21, 2005
2:18 pm
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brownie
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Oh hi again desert i made a mistake about what i said about you getting into another relationship.I meant to say that you would need to give you and your best friend some time to yourselves.Which i know you know that already.

I just want to say you need to heal too after all that you went through.My heart goes out to you.After awhile once you are healed and hopefully your freind will be healed,your can get together again.

I wish you all the best desert.

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