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Having a difficult time...
July 2, 2005
5:23 pm
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saheja3
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I spent 10 of the last 11 years with my now X/B/F. One night in March, he provided no more than 2 hours' notice that he was moving two states away (1050 miles). His rationale: "it's too big here for me now...I have to get away...at least for awhile (we live in a thriving SW US community)...my relatives want me to move by them..." He asked, "can I call...can I visit?" to which I angrily responded, "NO -- let me get on with my life. You keep doing this -- I can't keep doing this." He left owing me some $ for living expenses and 26 long distance phone calls he had racked up in 5 days, so I sent him a demand letter, giving him a month to pay me, or, in the alternative, indicating that I would file a small claim against him in his new state. I did not hear from him, so I perfected my claim, and the sheriff's office served him (wish I could have seen that interaction in person). Last seek, he sent me a totally bogus check (no pre-printing on it -- only his handwritten name where the name, address, city, state, and zip code should have been pre-printed), and failed to pay for part of the fees, so I returned it, and have no problem going to trial (I am an attorney by trade anyway). Here's where I am: it has occurred to me that his alcohol abuse and screwed up family situation has finally caused him to decompensate in this fashion. As for me, some reading this week has pointed out my co-dependent nature -- always saving him, always protecting him, always allowing him to move back in when he got bounced from jobs (14 in 11 years) or other living situations (18 in 11 years). Even though you may think it's mean to go after this $308.00, I finally decided that SOMEONE has to set a boundary on him, and stop bailing him out. SOMEONE has to teach him that it's not OK to lead a life like this. So that even though my friends harangue me for having this ongoing litigation contact with him, because it makes me so upset, I decided that it was high time for him to finally feel what it's like when there's no one there to save him from his self-destructive tendencies, pathological lying, etc. -- isn't this what tough love is all about? So why do I still feel guilty about this turn of events????? Please help me see where I am on this.

July 2, 2005
7:13 pm
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onlyme05
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Saheja,

It is not up to you to teach him anything.

I question why you would want continue this ongoing battle over $308.00. I have a feeling it has nothing to do with principal. It seems like you have a lot of anger inside of you.

July 4, 2005
10:33 am
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Mooshie696
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Based on my experience with my ex, I don't think people like this can ever be "taught" anything. My guess is that he'll take the experience and turn it into "see what a shrew she is?" However, if you don't mind going through the time, effort, and expense of calling him on his behavior in this way, I personally don't see anything wrong with it, as long as it doesn't require you (or give you an excuse to) deal with him directly. Just because they may never "get it" doesn't mean we should roll over and let ourselves be taken advantage of yet again.

July 4, 2005
2:15 pm
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saheja3
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Thanks to all for your insight/input. To OnlyMe: the original anger has dissipated. What is going on now ties in to what a psychic told me last month: :You were in his life to teach him a lesson, and he did not master it. The fact that he did not learn his lesson will lead to his demise." As he abuses alcohol, smokes heavily, and may even gamble in his new non-Las Vegas home thanks to tribal gaming, it was/important to me to try to impart to him the need to steer away from all of this. Additionally, as he has faced financial ruin before (and I rescued him that time, in 1999), it is important to me (and maybe even to him, if he is conscious about it, for him to get a sense that evading creditors is not the way to a harmonious, respectful, truthful, or soulful life). Finally, my trip for the anticipated court date (or not, if he pays me before then) will constitute my very own vision quest during which I hope to buy some land in the resort state between us -- I feel better already!!!

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