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Had a most profound experience recently (truthBtold) here.....
August 28, 2007
11:42 pm
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truthBtold
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Well.....I'm back!

(I have had one incredible experience here lately and don't know much to make of it....so I thought that I would try to wrangle in my old buds from the liberation brew site here to help me figure this all out.)

OK - in a nutshell.....it seems that alot of stuff started happening for me because of my sisters death in April.

Having been used to dissociation as the "regular" way to deal with crisis in the past....(freeze up - shut down - split off - this is happening to anyone but ME....etc...) this time - that simply did not work for me. My love for her and the trust that we shared together plumented me into a full-blown period of RAW grief.

The "upside" being that I was - for the first time in my adult life....faced with these raw emotions which have long been held "at bay."

OK - that's the background.

My sister died in April.

Since then - I have been dealing with the fact of feeling "real"...........

Then one night - just a few days ago....I couldn't sleep. So I just let my mind drift to a place where I recently felt a great sense of peace and tranquility.

I envisioned in my mind the wonderful feelings I had experienced recently on a ride home where I was travelling through the state of VA. It was about dusk....and it was so peaceful. The cows were quietly grazing......there were farm houses scattered about upon the hills...some had just started to turn their lights on as I could see in the distance......and it was a very peaceful feeling.

So - I honed into this peaceful place and feelings when I could not sleep.....and just let my mind drift.

I guess that I had not ever really done that before....let my mind drift into a peaceful realm......and it felt really good.

So I just kind of let my mind take me to that place and continued to drift along....wallowing in the peacefulness of it all.....and then it seemed to me that I had got to a place where it felt as if the air around me had actually changed!!!!!

I looked around...and wondered what was different with the air around me? Was the air......heavier?.....was it lighter?....what WAS this that I was experiencing???????

Then it occurred to me......this was stillness.

I had never - up until that point actually experienced real stillness because - by comparison - my mind was always.....100% of the time - always being split and focused on either all the crap from the past or the anxiety of the future.....never was I actually ENGAGED in having my whole mind, body & soul engaged in just the PRESENT moment!!!!!!

It was wonderful!!!!!!

I continued to remain open to the experience...and then it felt as if....to the left of my body....was my past. To the right of my body....was my future....and I was SMACK DAB inthe middle...experiencing the actual PRESENT moment........

From there - I looked ahead....and felt an incredible sense of BOTH...an immense expansion sense of nothingness....while at the same time......an incredible sense that the same space was also filled to the rim in countless possibilities..............

So - herein I ask.....what do you suppose that is/was?

My feeling is that I drifted off into some type of meditation/self-hypnosis that I wasn't aware of at the time it was happening.

But its wonderful effects are still lingering....even now...........

It seems that I no longer have any intellectual need to validate myself through books, philosphy etc.......that all of the answers are indeed right there....in that feeling of being completely engrossed in just the PRESENT time.........

So my question is.....has anyone here ever expereinced something similar to this????

It has caught me quite by surprise..........

August 28, 2007
11:46 pm
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truthBtold
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August 29, 2007
12:10 am
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red blonde
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tBt - that is what you did...self hypnosis. I should start doing that again...I was taught to lay flat on the bed...get really really comfortable...no pillow and nothing heavy over me...except maybe a sheet. Arms at side..legs spread slightly...just comfortable...then to tighten the muscles starting with toes/foot....and then envision an orange wave (do not know why it was orange) washing over my toes and foot and then to envision the wave receding and relaxing the muscles. Then do the same with the ankle etc. all the way up the body...then the fingers hand etc.....then the neck and face to the top of the head.

I haven't practiced that in a long time. It used to help me. I am going to start doing that again. Now I have a sound machine with ocean waves...going to use that too, see if it helps more...or not.

August 29, 2007
1:29 pm
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I had tried this but my experiences were horrible! I wanted to try to remember some memories from many decades ago. I had laid flat on a bed with a massage mat and had it on maybe 15 min tops, I turned it off and started to just empty my mind, all of the sudden my bottom area was in so much pain that I called my gyne, and she told me I was fine but I could not move and I felt termendous pain in that region, it did go away and never came back again, so ever since, I been afraid to do that myself.

I am sorry to hear the loss of your sister:(

August 29, 2007
5:22 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Hello TruthBtold, I have not seen you in awhile. I never really knew you though. Happy to see you back. I have met this new S.O.A.B. posting here that sounds like is it so much confusion? Just today on the NC thread for support....I guess I just don't understand......if you feel like it enlighten me? Take Care. horsefly

August 29, 2007
9:52 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Miss Truth!

I have wondered about you. How you doing?

August 30, 2007
6:13 pm
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Hey tbt,

his form of auto hypnosis is a wonderful meditaion method. For me it goes much deeper and when you are ready if you continue this spiritual exercise, the possability that you may find your spirit drifting into other realms. at least this has been my experience. It's good to "see" you again. How the heck are you???????????

jv63

August 31, 2007
3:27 pm
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garfield9547
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TruthBtold

I can relate to what you said. I also 'split' off my feelings when something happened or numb myself.

Then my grandmother died last year the 27 Sept. I could not control myself. I cried for 2 weeks. We were very close.

Afterwards I realised I did not only cry for her, but i also cried for me. I cried for everthing I never allowed myself to cry for.

What a relief!!!!!!! EVENTUALLY I managed to cry

Love

Garfield

August 31, 2007
5:52 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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My long missed Garfield and TruthBtold, I missed you both. ....I hope to hear from you guys. horsefly

August 31, 2007
10:15 pm
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truthBtold

On the 28-Aug-07 you wrote:

"From there - I looked ahead....and felt an incredible sense of BOTH...an immense expansion sense of nothingness....while at the same time......an incredible sense that the same space was also filled to the rim in countless possibilities..............

So - herein I ask.....what do you suppose that is/was?"

Between (sunyata)the 'void' and the world of form that we all know, lies the truth of the 'both/and' of all that is manifest as well as all the potentialities for all possible future manifestations.

Within the 'void' are all possibilities and potentials. When the mind is not caught up in the 'drama' of life as we think it is, then it is free to see, to know and to observe the manifestations emanating from the void. This state of 'consciousness' is called by Buddhists 'nirvana'.

When you completely 'let go' of clinging to the 'drama' of your sister's passing, you may have experienced consciousness with/through your 'pure' mind for a brief time. Of course the heavily 'conditioned' mind probably snapped you back into the 'drama' by pulling you by your many 'attachments' to it.

I believe that the Buddhas, Bodhisattvas and great 'mystical masters' know this state of mind in which you found yourself - all to varying degrees. Shakyamuni Buddha was said to have attained 'permanently' this state of mind under the bodhi tree and to have remained largely within this state of consciousness for the rest of his life.

I have had similar experiences as yours for very brief moments but have neither been able to hold onto them nor recapture them at will. I have heard that many people do have such experiences but fail to give them much importance.

I believe that we are all suffering from auto-hypnosis most of the time. In my opinion, you may have momentarily come out of your 'trance' for a short time - not gone into one.

We are not who we seem to be.

September 1, 2007
10:18 am
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Hi Horsefly

I missed you and all the lovely people here. Hope to have more time to post again

Love

Garfield

September 5, 2007
9:09 pm
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horsefly
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Garfield, I hope you are doing good. I have a feeling you are. I hope you have a chance to post more of your wisdom......Love, horsefly

September 5, 2007
9:28 pm
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truthBtold
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Hello All,

So great to connect with the "ole peeps" again!

Bevdee & jv63......I have a special connection with you both!!

I guess the thing that surprises me the most is that that feeling that I described is available to me.....anytime I wish.....pretty awesome!!!!!!

Sometimes....hell - its just so damn simple....starts with improving your posture for just a few seconds...then take into consideration some of those great ole 1940's tunes about keeping your chin up.....you know????????

simple steps. baby steps.............

So how in the hell are ya'll doing????

September 5, 2007
9:52 pm
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truthBtold
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Garfield & Horsefly & Tez......hope that I didn't hurt any feelings......was really great to hear from you guys too!!!!!

Tez, as always - thanks for your slant!

"We are not who we seem to be."

But then again.....why not?

Afterall, let's face it - I don't know how old you are....but there just comes a time when you just throw your chips in and say - well - hell - this is who I am......at this stage of the game.....love it or leave it - you know? I Bare NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!

Life is getting way too short for me to be playing games with myself (or anyone else for that matter) anymore...............

Let's just get down to the real "nitty-gritty" you know...THAT STUFF which you have tried all of your life to validate through others - but to which you learned....only WE can validate ourselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes indeed, I really AM.....who I seem to be....(no excuses!!!!!!!)

Nothing is more forthcoming in this world than to delve deep....REALLY deep..... into our own pain than to finally emerge as a more wholesome and available person emotionally...(and a much more simpler being - I might add....all things considered)

(Where the desparate passion to spar intellectual premises simply fizzles down into a fire, a bare single, fighting flame - which really - had its moment to shine....but now...is really.....rather passe.)

Truth Be Told 🙁

September 5, 2007
9:55 pm
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horsefly
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TruthBtold, I have not much to say....Just glad you have reconnected..............horsefly

September 5, 2007
10:03 pm
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horsefly
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Actually, we posted at the same time...I love your energy and happy you are around here....horsefly

September 6, 2007
10:57 pm
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Miss Truth

You weren't gone long. You better have some great stories to tell! I felt a connection with you too. I always saw that you "think in music" like I do. My sister does that, too. Either of us can think of lyrics to fit any situation. She looked at me once and said, "I just don't trust anyone who doesn't think like this"

I hope you are well.

(((Bren)))

September 10, 2007
1:22 pm
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Hey Bev,

I defected to another site for awhile.

As far a some great stories....alls I can say id that I have never felt better in my life! (Though it was quite the rocky road to get to this point)

Basically - in a nutshell - I was put into an absolute tailspin recently financially....

I can honestly say that I can't remember the last time I have been THIS broke. Even when I was a kid - I always had a little something put aside - even if it was only $100. NEVER without the "Plan B."

So - what the hell - I asked my angels and spirit guides to help me heal and was reminded of a scene from the movie "Castaway" - with Tom Hanks.

If you are familar with this movie, there is a scene after he is finally rescued and he is telling a friend about his experience....about how depressed he got after so many years of being on the island and wanted to hang himself over the cliff - so he tested the rope with a big log and the rope broke. He then knew that if he were to try that - he would end up with a broken neck or back instead. Then...the famous line in that movie that hit me square between the eyes: "I HAD CONTOL OVER NOTHING!!!!!!!!!"

That was it for me.

I delved deep and hard into that line in the movie and realized that that was exactly how I was feeling!

Then - after sitting with that awful feeling for awhile....came to remember that part of the Serenity Prayer....at the end....which talks about having the courage and strength to recognize the things that I can and can not change (or control) and the wisdom to know the difference between the two......(I'm para-phrasing here......)

But I emerged from all of that with a better understanding of my circumstances. What I do and do not have control over.

Then - just this morning - around 4 am or so - I prayed again for more answers....and a very simple conclusion presented itself to me:

Bottom Line (I even wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget it:) "I was naive for a very, very long time. Trusting all of the wrong people and mis-trusting the right ones."

Now - I am feeling much better.

I can actually single out various priorities where as before...I didn't have a clue and EVERYTHING seemed to feel like a priority.

It was worth going through the awful crap recently to come out in the end with a FINALLY....peaceful state of being.

(Also helped that I was remembering some of the things I read in the book "Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst.....as it really came into play.)

Anyway - that's my scoop. How are you doing these days, my friend?

(((((hugs Bev)))))))

September 10, 2007
10:10 pm
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TruthB

I'm doing pretty good, thank you. I have also been grappling with control and letting go. This wrenching started with letting go of my sister- she's an addict.

I get a little better every day, and each day some earlier lesson is reinforced.

I loved Castaway. The ramifications of his total solitude haunted me.

I've so been there with the money. To me, it was a little status (within my family) and alot of feeling of security and self-sufficiency. Someday, I might write all that out. For now, it's enough that I don't have a panic or dread attack at the drive thru of the bank. One of the earlier lessons that got reinforced was how to eat on a shoestring budget. (I'm diabetic and I need protein.) For three years, I carried out of style purses and wore old shoes. I know - waa waa.

Baby steps? I guess.

Your sister's death? If I may, I'm going to guess and if I am wrong, please, please forgive me in advance. You lost all "feeling" of control or "needing" to control?

(((TruthB)))

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