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Guppy & Fried Onion
January 29, 2006
1:06 am
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and i am wondering. do u smoke to control or lower your iop? you were awfully young to develop g. did it happen quick? slowly? how did u discover it? is it progressing? stable?

January 29, 2006
11:14 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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Sorry Gup. I'm not ignoring you. I've got a project that's going to eat most of the next week, or so. I'll drop in and reply ASAP - when I can take the time to think about what you said.

(((Guppy)))

January 30, 2006
12:02 am
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why, u just answered it for me. 🙂

January 30, 2006
12:08 am
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it's obvious u are pressed for work right now. have no time. unfortunately i did want to talk some. we have diff. wants. from eachother.
i'm gonna have to do the right thing for me for now. sooooo, dont post back on this thread. just let it go. i dont want to be hurt and i dont want u to feel pressured.

so off i go swimming away .....singing as i go....i am an idiot, i am an idiot, i am an idiot......bye

January 30, 2006
8:11 pm
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i'm sorry about the outburst. but u are probably better off to leave it as is. this really sucks. i thought i had it todether. i'm seeing stuff in myself i really dont like. lack of trust is a big problem. i can tell. nothing to do with u. it's from years and years of being lied to . (u want to go to the movies fri. at eight. sure. he never shows up) he's done it so long, now i say sure and dont even bother going home. or (i know it's your birthday but i planned a fishing trip, or so and so needs me, or your being a selfious self centered bitch. or i would if....u kept the house cleaner, u spend less money, u stop asking me to do things around the house, make the kids mind. , do what i tell u....and on and on and on.

u are probably just being considerate telling me u are busy. i'm jumping to conclusions here. i'm glad u didn't come back with "screw u" before i thought this out. and if u still come up with "screw it" i dont blame u one bit.

give me back my spazz card....

January 30, 2006
9:30 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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(((Guppy)))

No, my friend - the workload is for real. I'm just glad to have the opportunity.

I'm eating some dinner right now, so I thought I would check in.

I don't mind if you spazz on me, Gup. I think that's part of what this place is for. I don't mind the trust issues either, just as long as we stay as "real" as possible. I'm a spazz, you're a spazz - it's cool. We won't have any progress as friends, unless we forge ahead through these issues.

I know you are waiting to be hurt by me, Gup. It doesn't surprise me. I know a lot of people who are very good at protecting themselves. Creating problems wth people that care about them is one common way - keeps 'em at a distance.

I know what to expect of me - you don't. All I can do is continue to do my best to be a friend to you.

For what it's worth to say it - it does me no good to lie to you. I'm not here to build up my self image - I'm here to work on my SELF.

I'm not avoiding you - I like to take my time to think out these kind of responses. The questions seemed pretty heavy. It's too easy for me to create misunderstanding when I hustle through.

That and I just don't have the energy to dedicate to much, other than what I need to learn & produce to make the deadline I promised. It's a pretty common part of my lifestyle. Don't take it personally.

I'm taking forever to type this - I gotta go!

I'll be back in when I can. Be good!

((((Guppy))))

January 30, 2006
10:38 pm
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aaawwww....thank u for that

(((philmore)))

do u have esp? sensed i was doing flips???

i hope u do good with your job. take ur time.

if it's all the same to u, i'll just keep my spazz card. :}

i'm starting to see that i dont let any men close to me. well, except johnathon and he's gay:) and my brother. most of the time, i just kid around with my friend's husbands. and i know why. i dont want to get hurt and i dont want to mess up. and most of all it's just plain embarrassing to show somebody how hurt and lonely u really are.

it's pouring rain here. guess i'll go find my raincoat and drain the pool a little before it overflows.

be good??? be good??? u've got to be kidding. i dont know any other way.

good night ((((randy)))

ps. i'm trying to think good about the name. so i keep using it.

January 31, 2006
4:27 pm
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hey, just popped in for a minute to say hey! (georgia for hello) and say i hope your day is going great and your job is progressing like u want it to. and to say thankyou for being u! 🙂

((((philmore))))

February 1, 2006
4:43 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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I guess that means I owe you a "Howdee" - Colorado for Hi.

The past couple of days have been L O N G - thankfully, I have a couple of hours to wait for feedback from my client.

I just got off the phone with someone who was reffered to me by another client. I think we just got some more work! Woo Hoo! I love a client who needs regular changes and adjustments! Means I can go food shopping!

I hope you are doing well. I'll check back this evening to see if you've stopped by.

((((Gupster))))

February 1, 2006
9:32 pm
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i do hope u are exagerating on the food shopping a tad....but anyhow, yyyyyeeeeaaaaa!!!!! get tht grocery cart and get going;) hurry up before the store closes......

February 1, 2006
10:04 pm
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and i wish i could sign on one day when u are actually on here, sigh, but it never works out that way. hope u have abunch of productive days and get even more clients....:)
have a good night.

(((philmore)))

February 2, 2006
2:36 am
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Philmore Bowles
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I do need the clients. It's been one heck of a road to get here. I am so grateful to have 2 clients who both want ongoing work! This is something I've been praying for.

Sorry we haven't crossed paths to chat.

I've been having the full spectrum of feelings tonight. From deep gratitude, to missing people who are gone - wishing I could share my success.

My cousin Becky was raped and murdered in 1990, we were really close. She was 14. She was such a good hearted person. She had been abused by her Dad until she was 11, or so - and still had such a good humor and kind spirit. I really miss her.

The night she was killed she was supposed to be spending the night at my apartment, but my car wouldn't start for whatever fucking reason - so I couldn't pick her up.

She knew I wasn't coming, because I called her - but her Mom didn't know. I just thought Becky would stay home, or tell her Mom what was happening. I guess I should have known better with a 14 year old - hell, I was only 19. Apparently she snuck out that night - or more to the point, just never went home. She stayed out with her friends - running around the neighborhood she grew up in.

Some older guy had been hanging out with her friends. He caught her alone and apparently had his way with her. The end result of which was her being dead - and violated once again, by some man with no self control.

Needless to say, this ripped my guts out for many years. Some of my family still won't talk to me. Some won't look me in the eye. My Aunt told me it wasn't my fault, but my cousins still blame me.

Sometimes I'm still floored by how many of the people that I love are dead, or gone away. I try not to dwell on things. It's just weird how a good day can sometimes bring up so much sadness for me, too.

Be only as good as you think you should be. 😉

February 2, 2006
8:29 am
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philmore-that is so sad. u know it is not your fault. it wasn't becky's fault either. there is no ryme or reason why bad people pick who they destroy.

i can hear that it still haunts you.
all i can offer u is to be a friend and be here for u when u want to talk about it. honor your love for becky by living your life well. make it count, for her.

and i am soooo glad for u to be doing better with your work. yeeaa!!
i have no doubt u can do anything u set your mind to. and u will succeed. here's a cheer for u...go Randy! go Randy!!! u can do it, u can do it!!!!wwwwhhhooopppeeee, yyyyaaaahoooo!!!

as far as being good. i am who i am.
oh, i'm not perfect by any means. i'll steal that reeses peanut butter cup i saw u hide in a hearbeat. ;0 . but in the end , when it is all said and done, i want to be able to say i did the best I could. after all, i have to live with myself.

enjoy your day, work hard, but play a little. and do know u have a friend that will be thinking about u.

here's two hugs for u...

(((((randy))))

((((randy)))))

February 2, 2006
3:26 pm
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news update, if u happen to check the weather. it is storming here. have water sloshing around my vehicle. (went to town, no top, not brite, thought i could beat it home.)ha!:)

February 2, 2006
10:25 pm
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bumping this up incase u are around

February 3, 2006
12:21 am
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u know, by your words. u seem very level headed and mature. i almost feel childish by comparison. for the most part u seem to have it together.do u ever get mad? pop off? say something u wished u hadn't ???

February 3, 2006
12:29 am
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of course not, u just analyze it first, before u say it, right? (except for the subway thing!!);)

me, on the other hand, the mouth often says it, before the brain, even begins to think about it.

February 3, 2006
12:35 am
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i'm handing around , seeing if u show up. if it's any consulation to u. i'll be gone not this weekend but the next. fri, sat, sun. (no "stalking" guppy) ha ha

February 3, 2006
12:45 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Sometimes I lose it with my parents. They are so thick in certain ways.

I have gone off on my buddy V a couple of times. He knew damn well I was right, too. I caught him trying to pull some shit on me with money. (We were business partners.) That came close to blows for me. I've done a lot for that guy. I don't tolerate that crooked crap anymore.

I told him what was up and he told me he respected that. I was super pissed though. I told him if I ever thought he was ripping me off again, that we would be taking it outside. It takes some hardcore F'in up to get me really mad these days.

I usually just feel like my anger is mine. It doesn't have to always be someone else's problem. It's mine to control. I used to be "moody", now I just see that as being self indulgent.

Mostly when I'm upset these days I either just cry and get out the hurt, or talk to God about it and try to find a better understanding.

February 3, 2006
12:49 am
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Philmore Bowles
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It's ironic that you think I'm mature. I think most of the people that know me would say that I'm anything but.

I just smile and agree. 🙂

February 3, 2006
12:55 am
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oh my god!!! r u actually on here or am i delusional??

February 3, 2006
12:57 am
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Philmore Bowles
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Hey, I caught me a Guppy.

February 3, 2006
12:57 am
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i swear to god, if i missed u this time, I'm gonna cry.:(

February 3, 2006
12:59 am
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Philmore Bowles
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No, I'll hang out for a bit.

February 3, 2006
12:59 am
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where does tht leave me, childish guppy

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