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Growing together.....holding tight.....
December 12, 2006
11:54 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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i NEVER said you can't depend on me. If I am here I will be here for you. I love you. I will read the thread in just a few, I have to go get kids off of the bus. I love you gg. You are going to be ok. No cutting ok? Please.

December 12, 2006
12:27 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG, PLEASE...no cutting....PLEASE. I know the pain, and I know the desires, but please don't do it. You also know the shame and the pain that follows. You KNOW that it can be addictive...please don't.

NOW, I don't think you bothered Bev. I just think that she needed some time to think. I think that she will get back to you. Sometimes that is hard to do when you are tired. Maybe she is dealing with some of her stuff too. You will be ok. Don't read into people gg. I know it is hard, but she is a well intended person. She will get back to you, and it is a good conversation, she is good at making you think. And me. Don't give up. Ok. Don't fear that you have scared her away. Just give her some time gg.

GG, your past is not going to scare people away here. People here will validate you, and understand. It is ok for people to know. I promise...! You are safe here. Yep, sometimes it hurts...I agree. But you are ok. People here just want to help you through it. I helped you feel safe enough to puck it all out, but let the people that can help you though it ok. People here understand. You are ok. Your past has a lot to do with where you are today. You have held it in for MANY years. It is time to work through it and let it go. Just like the rest of us. Don't let it ruin the rest of your life. It has ruined enough. We need to work through it.

I love you. GG, you are ok. I promise. She will get back to you. She has asked you some good questions, she will make you think. She did me in the thread that her and I had going. Just hold on and give her the chance. Or just ask her.

I love you sweet sister. I am here for you gg. I know that this is a tough time for us right now, and we are feeling a little naked and vulnerable, but you are ok....and so am I.

Mich

December 12, 2006
12:32 pm
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ggfred4
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Thank you mich, I thought I scared her away, you knew that didn't you...then I hated myself a lot....then I wanted to punish myself....

I am so lonely right now, hate it, hate depending on people....just MISSING YOU so much, just crying so much...I don't know mich...

December 12, 2006
12:35 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You don't know what gg? Talk to me here sister. Just because things are different on a whole doesn't mean that it all is....TALK TO ME. What is hurting you the most right now? I know that you are in physical pain, that I understand. I know you don't want to depend on people, but you have waited on your h and kids for years...it won't hurt them to wait on you for a few weeks. Take advantage of it honey. And thank God that you have four kids that care. I hope I can say hte same thing when mine are all older.

December 12, 2006
12:41 pm
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ggfred4
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I don't know mich,...I miss my sisters...I MISS YOU...we don't talk as much...and now I have too much time alone...and yes, I am in pain and I am tired of it, I want to sleep in my bed and not in a chair or couch...Even my husband had to get away from me last night; don't blame him...think they are getting tired of it...but, I can't take care of myself yet, not even close....don't feel like I have any true friends, a bunch of fake oneway friends....even my mom is not calling me anymore....just feeling sorry for myself today I guess...sorry....so sad....hurting, tired of being alone so much.....

December 12, 2006
12:46 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am sorry gg. I am here when I can be. And when I can be, I will be here with you. I love you and I worry about you. I miss the sisterhood too, gg. BUT, as I said, I think that there is a reason. Give it through the holidays. It is a TOUGH time of year for everyone. AND busy. You are ok. I promise. I understand wanting to be able to sleep in your bed. I am sorry. I had to sleep on the couch for about a week and a half after having my tubes tied. I hated it. I sleep so much better in my bed. Your not sleeping well which probably isn't helping either. GG, you are going to be ok. I am here for you. I wish that I could be here more. Just know that when I am not here, that I am thinking about ya, and I love you.

Mich

December 12, 2006
12:48 pm
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ggfred4
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thanks mich,,,sorry, don't mean to be so much trouble.

December 12, 2006
12:50 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am gonna smack the snot clean out of your head. You aren't trouble, and you don't need to apologize to me. I love you, and I believe in being there for my family when they need me. You ARE my family. OK? Thanks.

December 12, 2006
12:52 pm
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ggfred4
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ok

December 12, 2006
12:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Have you looked back on paltalk or anything?

December 12, 2006
12:56 pm
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ggfred4
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yes...you don't have to talk to me mich...there are no answers...you don't have to try,,,ok? I love you...

December 12, 2006
1:01 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG STOP RIGHT NOW. I am not looking for answers for you. I was hoping that you could find a place that you could go for support when nobody is around here.

You are making me think that you don't want me to try to help you right now. I can quit if you want. I am not trying to hurt you, or make you worse, I am trying to be helpful. I am sorry if I am not.

December 12, 2006
1:05 pm
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ggfred4
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Mich, NO, please...I am sorry, please. I guess I don't feel I am worth helping now and don't want to take up your time...I know how busy you are. Please don't quit or leave me, please...Please Mich, I love you...just having a bad time...just miss you and my sisters...not sure what is going on with me....sorry, didn't mean to come across that way....please forgive me...

December 12, 2006
1:13 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG, I am not going anywhere. If I told you that I wasn't worth helping how does that make you feel? I want to do all I can. I can only give suggestions. This is not exactly a site where I am allowed to do much more. I am sorry. I would give my right arm to be able to talk to you and hold you, BUT, I can't. It breaks my heart to see you hurt like this. I love you and I can't explain the pain that I feel for you. I want so bad to make you feel better. You are worth every thing to me. But I can't fix you gg. I want to, but I can't. I won't leave you. I promise. And if I EVER chose to leave this site, I wouldn't do it without your knowing that it was coming. I love you.

December 12, 2006
1:17 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks for promising...I just can't stop crying and I am not sure why and can't seem to get out of it...I love you and know you can't fix it...but I will take a hug, any love, and company during this...Love you sister...

December 12, 2006
1:24 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You will always have my love, for the rest of my life. And I will be here when I can. I need to go put my kids in bed. I will be back in a bit. Please try to do something for yourself while I am away. I love you gg. I am holding you tight as ever. PROMISE.

December 12, 2006
2:47 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I don't like to butt in, but would you mind if I do for a minute...

GG: I want to reinforce something Mich said to you earlier. Folks here will validate you. Nobody is gonna think you are weird or mental. We all already are. :O) (j/k)

Please do not cut yourself, specially now while dealing w/ the knee ordeal. It is not good on a good healthy day and specially bad now. Please find an alternative when you feel like cutting. Maybe tear paper, punch out the pillow, color in a color book. I don't know, anything, word search, sudoku. I do those. Find something, and if Mich is not here you can always look me up or talk to just about anyone else. We are all working on ourselves individually, but also a team to help one another. Take that help, it's here for you.

I wanted to ask too. You said they put a pump on you. Is it like a boot that is to push the water back up your leg? Just wondered coz I have to do that w/ both legs twice daily (when I do). My boot goes up to my butt tho sso I was wondering what type pump they put you on. Just my curiosity.

December 12, 2006
3:02 pm
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ggfred4
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Mama, I don't know what my problem is...just spiraling down in low self-worth...don't know why know one here wants to help me. I think everyone assumes someone else is helping me, when no one is...It is 2:00 and again, nothing to eat today. Also, very little progress in healing...I hate being dependent, hate it....What seems to be bothering me most is that it seems that no one wants to care or help me and that makes me not feel too well about myself. I would never treat my family like I am being treated. oh well...that's life....I just can't wait til I feel better and can do everything myself.

They did put this boot on my leg and attached a pump w/machine to it. They did not cover my knee with it. They iced my knee during this...The boot would inflate and get tight for about 45 sec., then deflate for 10 sec. the inflate, etc. for around 20 min. They said it was to reduce swelling and help circulation.

Thanks mama...

December 12, 2006
3:03 pm
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cyndra820
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GG~ When do you go back to the doctor? Not the orthopod who did the surgery on your knee, but your regular doctor.

I think you need some stronger pain meds because even though it's going to hurt it doesn't seem like whatever they gave you is working.

I also think Mich had a point when she said you needed additional support outside of this group. I know it is terribly difficult to find a therapist, but I think you consider it. Call your health insurance plan and see what therapists participate. If there is a doctor referraly system in your county or state call it and see if any of the doctors on your list are on theirs. They may even have feedback from other patients.

I am saying this because you are in a very tough place right now. I am EXTREMELY concerned about the cutting. I don't want you to start doing that again. That isn't good for you mentally or physically on any day. That is a HUGE red flag for me.

Please consider taking the steps to find a therapist. At this stage of the game you can tell your family that because of how long it's going to take your doctor recommended it. I don't want you to hurt yourself, GG. You are a very precious woman. I love you very much.

December 12, 2006
3:10 pm
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ggfred4
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cyn, not going to the doctor..just going to ortho and p.t. now...I did the therapist thing this year, was stupid...I don't want to start over with that again...I don't want to talk about my past anymore...

But cyn, I respect your wisdom, so I will think about it, I promise...I love you too.

December 12, 2006
3:19 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Yup GG that's what my boot does. Mine had 10 leads to it and it changes pressure 4 times. Starts at the foot and squeezes up. I hate that boot when I'm hurting anyway. Use it tho; it's important.

Can totally relate to nobody helping you. My hubby won't take me to the doctor's, doesn't want to hear what they have to say since he's convinced himself all docs are quacks (and I've got the best in the city). He says he cannot look at me as handicapped. And I say WHAT THE )*(&*(&??? I am handicapped. I flip my hair and say "how bout that". It's all I can do.

My mom and sis take me to my appts. and such. I feel like such a burden at times. Specially when I hear my sis says she can never get anything of her own done since she has to do for me. Not true coz she only works 2 days a week and sits on her butt the rest of the time. I go to the doc maybe 3 times a month. Just makes a gal want to scream sometimes if ya know what I mean, and I'm sure you do. Anyway, not havin a piti party coz this is my life and I know it. Just wanted to let you know I can relate.

My family, specially hubby and sis, say I'm a pc addict. No, I'm just left here alone most the time and this is my outside contact. I do have friends here I can talk to but I hate to be a burden. lol. GG, sound familiar? Isn't it amazing how when Ms. fixit goes down they are not there, altho Ms. fixit has done for everyone else her whole life.

We all go thru this when we are down. Just realize that you are at a low and you will get better if you do as the docs say and work like hell to make it so.

Just wanted to say I care and I'm here as I know many others are also. I think ya'll have a close knit in your sisterhood.

December 12, 2006
3:31 pm
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ggfred4
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mama, boy did I identify with you...my daughter finally woke up and she is leaving for work; yes, I am getting soup to eat...

Yes, I feel like a big burden, but I have not complained. I want to but know that will only make things worse. It hurts so much mentally mama...do they love me?

Of course it is hard for me to see my house not like I take care of it...I keep a neat house.

I am just miserable and there is nothing anyone can do...I don't mean to be a burden here either...I just want to feel that I am worth something because I am not feeling it here.

December 12, 2006
5:30 pm
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cyndra820
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GG~ You aren't a burden. I know how depressing it gets to depend on people. After two abdominal surgeries, boy do I know!!!

If you need something and someone is there have them do it for you. If your daughter rolls her eyes, say what mine did. "I carried you for nine months, fed you with my body, the least you can do is . I'm not asking for a pint of blood, okay?"

That got me to do it, no matter how grudgingly because I knew she had a point. Getting her a bowl of soup wasn't a big deal. Cleaning the kitchen isn't a hardship that will give your daughter emotional scars for life. Tell her to get over it and that you are WAY easier than any child she will raise.

Needing people to help you is awful, but what are the alternatives? Can you get someone to come in and assist you for a few hours a day? If not, then your husband and daughter are it. THEY need to understand that they need to be more accommodating of you. You are dependent on them right now. Can you make them see that?

I am not pushing you to do something you aren't ready for. You don't have to talk about your past with a therapist unless you want to. You can tell them that you want to find a better way of thinking things through. I went for depression and am now dealing with my codepence. You never know what will happen.

((((GG))))

December 12, 2006
5:37 pm
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ggfred4
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thanks cyn...I talked to h this afternoon and he agrees that we need to talk with the daughters this eve. They finished school as of today and are all working parttime only, so they should have more time now...

December 12, 2006
5:40 pm
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cyndra820
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(((GG)))

YEA!! Three cheers for you!!!

Now, if you don't see growth there I will bonk you!!!

YOU talked to h and told him what was going on with you. He LISTENED and agreed that your daughters could be doing more. How great is that? Don't you feel good? Hell, you should feel great!!

I am so proud of you for doing that. Ms. I don't like confrontations!! That's my sister!!!

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