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Good Jokes
December 2, 2005
8:38 pm
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Anonymous
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Lets see...
Two boys were playing marbles in front of the church. Each time they missed, theyd say "sh**".

A Religious Authority (RA) came out of the church and hearing them saying the bad word, stopped next to them and told them to stop. They didnt. Then the RA looked up to the sky and asked:

St. Peter, the next time these boys say the bad word, please throw a lightening bolt over them.

Soon enough, the boys said it and St. Peter sent the lightening bolt onto the boys only to say...

"Sh**, I missed"

December 4, 2005
4:03 pm
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Anonymous
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I should have said it was one boy and one Religious Authority.. that would make a better punch line.

December 4, 2005
5:10 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks for the funny jokes they really made me LOL. We need that on daily basis. The ones I liked most was the one of Skittles about sex and Sin's joke.

Isn't that funny, even in the humor corner our jokes are religious!

I think beliefnet is full of religious jokes. I used to receive e-mail from them on daily basis and would LOL, but not anymore. I will check out their latest and probably post something funny soon.

Be back soon! Do not go away~

December 4, 2005
5:25 pm
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sdesigns
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Letter from Grannie:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk
if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from
a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light
had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of
his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out
of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time
as I drove away.

December 7, 2005
10:16 pm
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Worried_Dad
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A drunken man is walking along the river and he comes upon a group of people being baptized. The Preacher, seeing that the guy was in serious need of redemption, strides up and smiling, asks “Brother, would you like to find Jesus?” The drunk replies “Yeah, sure, why not?”

So the preacher proceeds to baptize him. He leads him into the river, puts his hand on the man’s head, and plunges him into the water, holding him immersed for a good five seconds. The drunken man comes up sputtering and the preacher asks “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies “Well, no, not yet.”

The preacher can see that this guy needs a little extra help, so he plunges him under the water again, this time holding him under for a full thirty seconds.” When the man comes up, sputtering and gasping, the preacher asks “tell me brother, HAVE you found Jesus?” Again the drunk replies “Not yet, sorry.”

Feeling a bit frustrated, the preacher plunges the man into the river again, and this time holds him under for the better part of a minute.” When the man comes up, spluttering and gasping, the preacher shouts “For the Love of God, Brother, HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?!!”

The drunken soul, wipes his eyes and says “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

December 8, 2005
6:53 pm
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

December 8, 2005
6:58 pm
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Anonymous
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JOKE OF THE MONTH: DECEMBER 2005
Submitted by: (Glen West)

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

December 8, 2005
7:11 pm
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Rasputin
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ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL Thanks All!!!

December 9, 2005
11:42 am
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skittlesmommy
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all of you guys have pulled good ones out of your hats. those were funny, keep 'em comin' y'all!

December 10, 2005
11:17 pm
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exoticflower
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A woman goes to the post office and asks to please buy her holiday stamps.

"very well" says the clerk, "what denomination?"

"Oh, great, has it come to this?!" She asks in annoyance..."ok, I'll have 24 lutherine, 11 baptist, 16 prodisten..."

And so on, that was just all the denominations I could come up with befoer bed.

December 12, 2005
8:06 pm
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

December 12, 2005
8:20 pm
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Anonymous
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

December 12, 2005
8:26 pm
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Anonymous
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The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.

The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.

"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the governor?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Is it the PRESIDENT?"

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.

"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!

December 12, 2005
10:06 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Two people died and went to heaven, a Methodist and a Catholic.

The Methodist landed at St. Peter’s gate and was instructed to go to room 11, but be quite while passing room 8.

The Catholic was instructed to go to room 16 but be silent while passing room 8.

Finally someone who was in the back of the line asked why the tip-toeing around room 8? St. Peter said: it is the Baptist room and they think they are the only ones here.

December 12, 2005
10:14 pm
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Rasputin
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That was AWESOME & HILARIOUS!!!! Thanks Flow & Sin. Isn't that funny, even our jokes are religious!

Mine is not!

Four women were fighting among each other about who is the most beautiful one among them.

A boy passed by, they decided to ask him to give an apple to the most beautiful one he thought among them.

The boy took the apple, looked carefully at each one of them, then had a bite of the apple and kept walking away.

December 13, 2005
5:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Im not sure I understand this joke. Pls help.
>
> A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate
> the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
>
> Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply,
> "Let's see... Fun period ... fun period ... fun no
> period ... worry worry worry!"

December 13, 2005
6:01 pm
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Anonymous
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A drunken guy was looking to the ground near a lamp post. A nice guy comes by and asks what hes doing. The drunken replies that hes looking for his watch. Both start looking and after a while the nice guy asks him if hes sure hes lost it by the lamp post. "Oh, no, it was further ahead but the light is much better here" 😐

December 15, 2005
1:51 pm
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skittlesmommy
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Two twelve year old boys had the following conversation:

Boy One: I've gotta have surgery and I'm scared.

Boy Two: What kind of surgery is it?

Boy One: I'm getting circumcised.

Boy Two: Oh I had that done when I was just a few days old.

Boy One: Well does it hurt? I mean what's it like?

Boy Two: Oh it's terrible, I couldn't walk for a whole year!

December 15, 2005
1:57 pm
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Anonymous
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skittles... that was funny!

December 17, 2005
4:09 pm
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exoticflower
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A ditzy redhead goes to heaven, and is asked at the pearly gates to anwer a question before she can come in. "So", says Saint Peter, "can you please name me the son of God?"

"Oh, that's easy, it's Andy".

"ANDY!?" St. Peter starts looking through his books not sure how to handle this, no none had ever gotten it wrong before. "Where on earht did you get ANDY!?"

"Oh, it's easy, everyone knows the song!" and then she starts to sing "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me...."

December 17, 2005
4:11 pm
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exoticflower
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A priest, a Rabbai and a Minister walk into a bar--the bartender looks at them and asks "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

December 17, 2005
9:32 pm
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sdesigns
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Ef: Andy, the son of God. Sooooo very funny. Chuckle, chuckle.

December 17, 2005
10:31 pm
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Why are all the jokes religious. Is it a must?

December 18, 2005
2:55 pm
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exoticflower
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I think it's just sort of taken that turn...you see one, it makes you think of one, you know.

December 18, 2005
7:24 pm
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sininho,

Great thread. Okay, Ras, I'll give you a non-religious joke (riddle, actually). Remember elephant jokes? Here's my favorite:

What's the difference between a plum and an elephant?

Answer: They're both purple, except for the elephant.

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