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Good Jokes
November 22, 2005
12:56 pm
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skittlesmommy
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If you know a good, tasteful joke, post it here please. I think we could all use a good laugh after a lot of the tension in some of the threads.

November 22, 2005
12:59 pm
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skittlesmommy
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Here's the first one:

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

November 25, 2005
10:13 pm
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Anonymous
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Thanks for sharing Skittles! That was a good one.

I've got one...

Tez approached God and said, "Listen, we've decided that weeeeee no longer need you.

Nowadays, we can clone people, transplant hearts and do all kinds of things that were once considered "miraculous."

God patiently heard Tez out, and then said, "All right! To see whether or not you still need me, why don't we have a man-making contest?" "Okay, great!" Tez said.

"Now, we're going to do this just like I did, back in the old days, with Adam," God said. "That's fine," Tez replied, and bent down to scoop up a handful of dirt.

"Whoa!" God said, shaking his head in disapproval. "Not so fast, Tez.

"You go get your own dirt!"

November 25, 2005
10:31 pm
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exoticflower
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ah, the feud spills over! šŸ™‚

OK, here's one.

There is a couple who can not have any children. They go to their local priest and say "Dear father, you know that we have not been blessed with children to help with our crops and to warm our home though we try in the usual way so often! When you go to pray in Rome at the large Chappel there next, will you please light a candle for us?"

"Of course, I would love to" says the priest, and does just that.

Several months later the priest sees the couple again. The wife is beggining to show and both are glowing with joy. "oh, the candle you lit has brought us a miracle, father!" they cry. And the priest is satisfied.

Two years later he sees them again and they are with child again, squirming toddler in arms. "Oh, father!" they exclaim. "Twins now! the candle must still be lit and it overjoys us, though at times it is exausting!" All laugh and go about their way.

Still a year later the priest sees the wife and three children, she is tired and again big in the belly. "Father, we are expecting our fourth." she tells him.

"Ah, you must be so pleased! But where is your husband, the proud fahter?"

"Where do you think?!" she snaps at him. "He's gone to Rome to blow out that F#$%king candle!"

*Best if told with irish accents.

November 25, 2005
11:07 pm
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Anonymous
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LOL

November 25, 2005
11:24 pm
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Rasputin
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ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

November 26, 2005
4:47 pm
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gazelle
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OK, what's this then?

(Imagine me slowly tracing a large, imaginary ring in the air with my finger. Just as you watch me complete it and join it up, I startle you by emitting a gruff, angry shriek and jumping towards you with my hand opening like a biting animal.)

November 26, 2005
5:20 pm
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exoticflower
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Ummm? I keep thinking of a baby being born, maybe I'm imagining wrong!:)

November 26, 2005
5:24 pm
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gazelle
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Lololol! Now that is so apt & brilliant, EF, and a MUCH funnier answer than my joke!

Any more guesses, anyone else?

November 26, 2005
6:00 pm
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exoticflower
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C'mon, the suspense is KILLING ME!

November 26, 2005
7:34 pm
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gazelle
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Oh, alright then - just for you.

šŸ™‚

November 26, 2005
7:35 pm
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gazelle
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[ Whispers v quietly, so no-one else can hear ... "It's a vicious circle!" ]

šŸ™‚

November 26, 2005
8:26 pm
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exoticflower
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HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!LOLROFLLLLL!!!!!!

That is SOO funny! Thanks Gazelle for that belly laugh!

November 28, 2005
10:12 am
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skittlesmommy
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Okay guys here's another one:

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.""Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

November 28, 2005
10:20 am
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gazelle
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ROFL!!!

November 28, 2005
11:25 am
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eve
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Young and Restless,

making jokes about people on here is not a nice thing to do. I regret that you feel that it is necessary to lash out towards Tez. If you really feel that this was funny, I regret it even more.

Sorry, but this is way beyond of friendly banter. I'm pretty sure that Tez won't be offended - but what will be next? Dumb blonde jokes with my alias as the name of the dumb blonde? No thanx

November 28, 2005
4:14 pm
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skittlesmommy
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Hey guys,

eve is right, let's keep it clean please.

November 28, 2005
6:16 pm
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exoticflower
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Disclaimer: I do not mind being the name in the joke. I am a redhead, occasionally "dumb", and do believe in evolution, but I know no one here has any ill will towards me, and truth be told, starring in a joke would stroke my ego! Anyone know any good ones about a vain redhead, let 'er rip!!! šŸ™‚

November 29, 2005
12:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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This is not really a joke but a true happening in the life of a 6 yr old.

My youngest daughter watchs my sister's twin boys on the weekends while she works. This past weekend one twin kept saying shit to my daughter and her friend. Not to Aunt Linda tho. I asked if he said it, he quite proudly announced he did.

Needless to say, when my sister got home she was informed of twin's choice word for the weekend. She later had a talk w/ him and told him that "shit" is not an appropriate word to say and is actaully a bad curse word when used the way he was saying it. He promptly looked her in the face and asked her "Does that mean that "holy shit" is a bad word too"?

šŸ™‚

November 29, 2005
8:40 am
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skittlesmommy
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mamac,

What does the Word say? "...out of the mouth of babes", oh that is so funny. Thanks for sharing, it'll be making me laugh throughout the whole day.

December 1, 2005
9:11 am
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mamacinnamon
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A man and his wife were sitting in the living room watching TV, and he said to her:

Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV.

December 2, 2005
10:56 am
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skittlesmommy
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A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?"

December 2, 2005
11:30 am
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eve
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Mamacinamon, I love the joke with the unplugged TV, my dad's gonna love this!

December 2, 2005
12:28 pm
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exoticflower
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ROFL Mama!!! šŸ™‚

December 2, 2005
3:35 pm
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skittlesmommy
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mamac,

When I posted earlier, I hadn't even stopped to read anything else. But I just read the joke about the unplugged t.v. and it is hilarious! Good one there mama, keep 'em rollin--I love to laugh!

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