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Good Friends
September 20, 2005
11:31 am
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Hi (((Restless))), thanks for the note. My daughter had a couple accidents when she was a teen and it actually did make her a better driver so the cost was worth it and no one was hurt either so it was a good lesson. Boy you are sure right…our friends are giving up a good thing, I believe that in my heart but it is their loss and nothing I can do about it. I once read on this site that “Sometimes I will never know WHY and I will have to find a way to provide my own closure.” I am in the process of doing that and it is getting a lot better for me. I think the difference between our situations is that I only have known S for about 2 years and I don’t think I am in love with her (maybe in some ways if I am really honest with myself) but certainly not the attachment you have had with your friend. It is really sad and I am very sorry that you have to go thru this. I wish I could make it better for you but you will have to do that for yourself and I have all the confidence in the world that you will be able to and I will try to be a support for you as you go thru the process. I believe I will be able to do the same, it will just take some time. It is nice to have you in my life Restless, you are a great support for me and I am glad I can be there for you. Well, I am off to a meeting, things are crazy around here too but that is OK… good distraction. Glad you had fun at the game. I’ll check in later. Love, Tryin

P.S. I like your messages just the way they are and they should be all about you right now with what you are dealing with. 🙂

September 20, 2005
11:50 am
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(((Tryin))),
Made a mistake ( I think ). I emailed asking for a final termination response...closure. He emailed right back and said we would talk about it in a bit when he had more time. Now I'm shaking. Great. Wish I had left it alone. I can never just leave things alone!!! 🙂 I'll be allright, I think. If you see this, pray for my extra strength. I'll need it to keep my composure. I'm in between hurt and mad as "he!!" Excuse my language.
Whew...thanks for allowing me to vent. More in a bit.
Love, Restless (God help me please)

September 20, 2005
12:56 pm
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Says he's just been busy. Has lots going on in his life with hids kids etc. Who in the **** doesn't!!! He makes me swear, sorry. He doesn't want closure or to say goodbye. Still wants to be my friend just thinks we should slow down. Great, I was all set to say goodbye. In fact, I've already said it but he won't do the same. Now what do I do, just not reply and forget him? Isn't that the same thing that makes me so furious? Or should I tell him goodbye and forget about him giving me that? Or should I just let things go and consider him a friend who I never talk to? I think I'm going crazy......

September 20, 2005
1:37 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), back from the meeting. That is exactly why my therapist says it is a big mistake to contact S. She basically does the same thing...just puts me off or sends some kind of "no response" type note. It is an endless thing and I have to just shut it off for good and that is so hard but I am determined to do it. Lets face it ((((Restless)))), he doesn't want the same thing you do...just face that. I have to face that with my friend also. She just doesn't feel the same way about me as I do her. Its just a plain fact that I have to get thru my fat head. Somehow, on the way back from my meeting today, I finally realized that my "friend" has done NOTHING to attempt to repair our friendship...I repeat, NOTHING!! I have to face the hard fact that she does not value the relationship like I did or thought she did. So how is that for this note being all about Me?? I hope my saying this doesn't bother you but I am really disgusted about what your friend is doing to you, you don't deserve that kind of treatment so don't let him do it!! Don't let him get to you like that OK? I have this big resentment toward him and I don't even know him but I know he deserves it!! I would never do this to you or anyone else I love or even don't love. I just don't understand people so I am trying not to. I am trying my best just to move on and learn to take care of myself. I suggest you do the same my good friend. I believe you will be happier in the long run if you can let go of this. Ask your God to take this burden from you. Let him handle your friend, only God knows what is in his heart. My prayer lately regarding my "friend" is : "God, I don't want her, you can have her, she's too much for me" Sort of like the song. Anyway, hang in there and think about what I have said OK. I love you Restless. Tryin

September 20, 2005
2:10 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))),
You are right, he's toying with me. Thanks for saying that you resent him. I do too. I know I don't deserve this treatment. He doesn't make any sense. I haven't replied. I've drafted a reply but when I read it at least I got a laugh out of it. Harsh to say the least. I won't send that, I'm way too nice of a person (conceited 🙂 ) to give him that satisfaction. I just simply don't know what to say. Let him stew for a few days. He taught me well how to NOT respond. Only thing is I don't think he cares. I'm sure he's not sitting there wondering why I haven't replied. No matter what, he's getting what he deserves and that is a big fat nothing. I'm learning to take care of myself, with your help. Thanks again for being there for me. I know you are one step ahead of me in this very same thing. God does work in mysterious ways in bringing us together. How was your meeting? I'm leaving early this afternoon to make the drive to watch my 14 year old (today is her bday!) play volleyball. I may not get back here but I'll check in tomorrow. Thanks again and I love you too, Restless

September 20, 2005
2:19 pm
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Hey (((Restless))), In case you get this today, enjoy the game!!! More tomorrow, Love, Tryin

September 20, 2005
2:31 pm
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Hey (((Tryin))), In case you get THIS today....you are a lifesaver! Love, Restless

September 21, 2005
12:01 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), how was the game? How did your daughter do? Hope you had fun. Most important of all though is how are you feeling today? I only have a few minutes to write, I’m off to another meeting soon and have been running from site to site this morning but I will check in later. The weather is beautiful here so it is OK being outside. I slept well last night, how are you sleeping lately. I woke up with my head spinning though and I’m a little depressed today. Last night I went to meet a relatively new friend ( a man this time) I have never had many men friends so this is a new experience for me. He is a great guy and like me in many ways and very opposite in other ways. Where I am naive about peoples intentions, he is very savy. We are a good balance for each other and seem to be able to talk about most anything including our feelings. It is not the same as having a woman friend but maybe it is more appropriate for me right now given my last experience. Anyway, we had dinner and talked for about an hour and then went to a meeting together. It was a good evening. Sometimes I just don’t understand why I wake up feeling the way I do but I guess that is just life. I always seem to need to understand everything…that’s where I always get into trouble. Well, its almost noon and I need to get to my meeting. Write back today if you are not too busy. I really enjoyed our exchanges yesterday more than you probably know. Hope to hear from you. Love, Tryin

September 21, 2005
12:50 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))),
Glad you enjoyed your dinner with your new friend! I love meeting new people and getting to know them. Weather is great here too. Summer going out with a bang! I think it's supposed to be almost 90 here today. I have been sleeping well. I do keep a large suppy of Tylenol PM on hand...they work wonders for me! I woke up feeling good. I actually feel stronger in mind, body and soul than I have in a very long time. Regardless of the situation with my friend I am feeling happy and that is an especially wonderful feeling because I know I'm happy because of ME! I'm almost afraid to talk about it for fear of jinxing (spelling?) it but my husband and I have been getting a long great. Keep your fingers crossed (and everything else too) that it continues and grows. I'm ready for that. Took me long enough, eh? Situation with my friends just makes me shake my head. I didn't email him back right away yesterday as you know. So he sends me an email asking me why I didn't reply. Can you believe it? After he goes days without replying. Unbelievable. I did reply then just saying the same thing I basically said the first time to him. That I just don't understand him or the game he is playing. That if he can't be straight forward with me then I really would like closure and that I don't want the relationship to continue like it has been. Well, that's not word for word and I think that I made the emphasis on the relationship not continuing a little stronger but when I think back I'm not so sure I stated completely that is what I expect or want. Maybe I just confused him. Great, here comes the excuses for him not replying to ME now. Haven't heard a thing but I'm ok with that. Whatever. He needs to live his life the way he chooses and I'm not going to tangle myself up in his web anymore. Whew. Thanks for asking about my daughter. Was a great game and she played very well! The whole sports thing causes a little riff between my daughters. My oldest one plays but the youngest one is by far the better athlete. She would never rub it in or anything but my oldest sees her younger sister starting every game and oldest now that she's on varsity tends to sit on the bench a lot as a junior. Oh well, they still get along good. Hope your meetings and day are going well. Busy as heck here. I enjoyed yesterday too. You really are a lifesaver! Love you, Restless

September 21, 2005
2:35 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), Oh yea!!! That’s my girl!!! I like what I hear from you today and that’s all I’m gonna’ say about that. I don’t believe in jinxing but I’m not going to say anything more about it anyway. I had a good meeting and I am feeling pretty chipper myself this afternoon, much better than this morning. This weather is great and it is supposed to continue for days. I will be batching it this weekend, R and her 2 friends are going to Niagara Falls this weekend on a girls only trip. I can just imagine what fun they are going to have and I am glad about it too. I’m not sure what I am going to do…maybe just enjoy the solitude. On October 6th, I will be taking R to the airport in Newark and she is flying to Spain, then to the island Mallorca in the Med for 2 weeks of leisure. She is going with her HS friend. They have already rented an apartment for the 2 weeks. Must be nice huh?? I was not invited along (BooHoo). That is OK though, I have been given the honor to pay for the trip so that makes up for it. Really though, I am happy to pay and happy that she is going. I just hope she doesn’t meet some romantic European guy who sweeps her off her feet. I told her to watch out though… those guys are only looking for one thing!!! (Maybe I shouldn’t have said that…might peak her interest) I really do trust her, probably more than she trusts me staying here alone for 2 weeks. Anyway, I will most likely be pretty lonely but I will keep busy and try to spend some time with friends and at meetings. So that’s me for today, it was really good to hear from you and I will hopefully talk to you tomorrow or maybe even later today. Take care Restless, you are a lifesaver too. Love you, Tryin

September 22, 2005
2:36 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), real quick, How are you doing today? Was just thinking about you and thought I would post you a note. My day is busy but OK and I feel pretty well today. Met with My therapist this morning and that went well too. I am struggling with my imperfection these days but I suppose I will get used to it as time goes on. I need to give myself a break at any rate and hope to learn how to do that better. Take care and get back to me today or tomorrow if you have time, OK. Love, Tryin

September 23, 2005
12:22 pm
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Hi (((Tryin)))
Trying again to say goodybe to him. I'm going to make it clear and then get brave and block his emails. Just didn't want you to worry about why I wasn't writing to you. I'm doing ok. Have a good weekend and I'll be in touch Monday. Love, Restless

September 23, 2005
1:28 pm
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Me again. It's over for good. I didn't block his emails yet but I'm also not going to read any from him. That is why I'm not going to log into internet for at least a few days. If I feel strong enough to not go to that email site Monday, I will say hi. I know you understand. It's just the way I have to deal with it. Wanted you to know what was going on. Love you, Restless

September 25, 2005
12:41 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), I posted a similar note yesterday but I just realized it is not here. Anyway, I appreciate you letting me know what is going on so thank you very much and I mean that. Sometimes my mind does tricks on me when I don't hear from someone I care about. So, I will keep my eye on the thread and just wait until you are ready. You have been in my prayers every day. Love you too, Tryin

September 28, 2005
3:46 pm
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(((Tryin))), Thanks for your patience with me. Nothing much to report. Rainy dreary day today. Finally a night when I don't have anything going on! Going to veg out and read. Looking forward to that a lot! I'm doing ok. How are you? How was your weekend? How is your week going so far? Have you ever read a book called "The Four Agreements"? A little light reading (yea right!) that I'm doing during my lunch at work. Anyway, a phrase really hit me today..."If someone is not treating you with love and respect it is a gift if they walk away from you. Walking away may hurt for a while but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right decisions in your life." Sorry, I got a little long winded there. Will write more tomorrow. Love, Restless

September 28, 2005
8:34 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), had a great day today (Sept 28th)…today is my birthday. I took off the day from work, went to a early meeting, S was there…I took the high road and even though she was her usual “charming” self, I went away with only compassion for her, she is a sick woman. Went to breakfast with R and a noon Alanon meeting with her, then shopping and hanging out all afternoon until we went out for dinner. It was just a great day and now it is 8:30PM. Weather here is really nice, I think we will get your rain tomorrow. Our daughter and grandson are coming for the weekend and I am looking forward to that. A lot of good things going on here. I missed you these last few days and hope that the days away helped give you some perspective. I’m glad you are hanging in. So…Be Impeccable with Your Word, Don’t take anything Personally, Don’t make Assumptions and Always do your best. Yes I have read the book a couple years ago. Good stuff, hard to live up to but definitely worth striving for. Funny you should pick that book, My "friend" always said that was her favorite but she isn’t doing a very good job living up to ANY agreements as far as I can see. I am sure you will do much better. R really liked the book also and got a workbook to go along with it. I hope you really get a lot from it, it has very wise advice. Well, I will check in again tomorrow so take care Restless and keep up the good work. I also like that statement, it definitely speaks to me these days and grateful that some people do walk away. I am pretty happy today. Love, Tryin

September 29, 2005
1:56 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Glad to hear you had a great day. You deserve it! And it will continue on through the weekend I'm sure. You are very lucky you get to see your daughter and grandson so often, that's really great. Your friend doesn't even deserve the time of day from you. You are a great person to still have compassion for someone that treats you that way. She's missing out on so much. But you aren't! It's a good thing that she walked away. You are much better off. Sun is shining today but it's much cooler! I love this time of year. Volleyball again tonight but I'm looking forward to it. Will try and write again before the weekend but if I don't happen to get back here...enjoy your visit and have a wonderful weekend. Keep smiling!! 🙂
Love you, Restless
PS An extra (((hug))) as a b-day gift. I know it's not much but it's what I have to offer you. That and lots of well wishes and prayers always.

September 30, 2005
5:09 am
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Hi (((Restless))), thank you for the birthday hug and I appreciate all you have to offer, believe me, it is much more than a hug. You have been a great help to me countless times, you are a good support and a joy to be communicating with. Hope volleyball was fun and that you have a great day and weekend. I know I plan on it. I had another good day yesterday even though it included a wake for R's uncle. It was good to see her family we haven't seen in a long time. Her uncle was a really great guy and helped us out on many occasions, it is sad that he is gone but he was really suffering also so at the same time a blessing for him, just hard for his loved ones. So take care Restless and we'll talk next week if you don't get back here today. Love you, Tryin

October 3, 2005
1:14 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))),
Hope you had a fantastic weekend! Looking forward to hearing about it when you have time. Mine was ok. Actually had a bad spell yesterday where all I could do was cry for about an hour. I feel like I'm going backwards but I know that these moments are going to happen. Feeling a bit down again today. I keep remembering the good times I had with my friend. I know I need to stop that and get over him but I just miss what we had so much! My heart physically aches for my loss. I've never experienced anything like this before. When I think of all the suffering people in this world and how many many people have problems and aches and worries far greater than mine I feel silly. Right now just trying to do one day at a time again and keep my mind occupied. Sorry, didn't mean to pull you into my pity party. 🙂 Hope you are having a fantastic Monday. Hot here! Almost 90. Nothing going on for me tonight. I think I'll wash my crystal that is in my hutch. Cleaning always helps me feel better. How strange is that??? 🙂 Talk to you again in a bit. Love, Restless

October 3, 2005
3:20 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), good to hear from you. I get sad sometimes also when I think about the close times with my friend and I even still feel like crying at times. I always have to keep perspective though…she also caused a lot of hurt and did not consider me the way I considered her. I always have to remember that…never forget it. I will say; however, that I have forgiven her because forgiveness helps ME to feel better. I won’t let that send me back to her though because I know what would happen and it would all start over again. I care too much about myself to let that happen. I hope you will come to that place of peace and serenity about what happened between you and your friend but it will take time so hang in there, it will get better. This weekend I found myself daydreaming about all the wonderful people I do have in my life and I liked that a lot. It felt really good. I used to daydream a lot about my friend but I really don’t do that much anymore. It keeps getting better. My daughter brought Liam (grandson) up for the weekend. He is so cute, I wish you could see him. He has strawberry blond hair and I could just eat him up. We did a lot of things and I got to play with him a lot (I think he likes me). Took him to the park and got some great pix. We also went shopping for about 4 hours on Saturday and he was so good. He is so good natured for 17months. Can you tell I am smitten with him??!! Anyway, His My Daughter got sick and started hurling shortly after she got to our house and then yesterday R got it and was sicker than a dog. She is a little better today and a good thing, she started a new job today. That came out of the blue but I am happy that she is happy, I thought she had retired. Anyway, I am feeling great and I don’t think I am going to get whatever they had. Its 82 degrees here and really nice, can’t wait to get out of here but I need to stay a couple more hours. Take care Restless and know that your hurts are NOT insignificant but I guess it is good to keep them in perspective. Write back when you get time. Love, Tryin

October 5, 2005
2:24 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))),
Thank you so much for your kind words and insight. It still amazes me that you have gone through the same thing I am working on. Hanging in there is about all I'm doing but I still have hope for that peace and serenity you mentioned! I can't wait to get there but I do know that God will lead me there. And some day I'm going to thank God for his unanswered prayers as far as my friend goes. Your grandson sounds wonderful!! I wish I could see him too. What a fun age he is at. I am so happy for you that you got to enjoy him! Hope everyone is feeling better. You didn't catch it, did you? Yuck. Is it that time of year already?? STILL hot here but tomorrow is supposed to be much much cooler. Somewhere in between the two extremes would be nice! I have a 3 day weekend coming up. Really looking forward to that! Going to go to a big mall with just my girls on Sunday. I'm not much of a shopper but I really do love doing that with them. If you smell plastic melting don't worry...it's just the friction of my charge card being used repeatedly. 🙂 Routine day here. Nothing much happening. Went to two volleyball games for the girls at two different schools last night. Whew. They both won though! Busy busy but I wouldn't have it any other way. Keeps me from dwelling. Hope you are having a fantastic day and write back when you can. Love you lots, Restless

October 6, 2005
5:48 am
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Hi (((Restless)), haven't much time...thank you for the note, good to hear from you. This morning I am taking R and her friend to Newark airport for her trip to Mallorca. I am a little nervous and will miss her but will make the best of my alone time. It is a long drive down there so we have to leave early but I just wanted to get a note off to you before I left. I hope you have a nice 3 day weekend and enjoy the time with your girls. Go ahead and smoke that plastic!!! Have fun and I will talk to you next week. Love you lots too, Tryin

P.S. I never did get the dreaded yuck!!! I must be immune but everyone else is on the mends and feeling better.

October 7, 2005
11:55 am
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Hi (((Tryin))). Thank you for writing. How did the drive to the airport go? Are you off to a good start with your alone time?? Enjoy it. I think it is really good for all of us to have alone time. Not so much to dwell on our thoughts but rather to just enjoy our own company. Get to know ourselves a little bit better. Wish I had more time to do that but I know my day will come when I'll have more of that. I'm working to day but have Monday off. REALLY looking forward to it. I have lots I want to get done even though I probably won't accomplish half of the list. Oh well! I wrote myself an email yesterday. How crazy is that?? I'm going to keep it in my inbox and read it every day. I just have to share what I wrote, hope you don't mind....
God is life. God is life in action. The best way to say "I love you God" is to live your life doing your best. The best way to say "Thank you God is by letting go of the past and living in the present moment, right here and now. Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now. If you live in a past dream, you don't enjoy what is happening right now because you will always wish it to be different than it is. There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive. This leads to self-pity, suffering and tears.You are alive so take your life and enjoy it!

If others say one thing but do another you are lying to yourself if you don't listen to their actions. But if you are truthful with yourself, you will save yourself a lot of emotional pain. Telling yourself the truth about it may hurt, but you don't need to be attached to the pain. Healing is on the way, and it's just a matter of time before things will be better for you.

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him. Walking away may hurt for a while but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

When you make it a strong habit not to take anything personally, you avoid many upsets in your life. Your anger, jealousy and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don't take things personally.

Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind they are in a completely different world from the one we live in.

I copied the phrases I liked out of the 4 agreements since it's a library book that I need to take back. Am I crazy for emailing myself or what?? 🙂 It's ok, you can say I am crazy. I'd rather be crazy than miserable! Have a great weekend my friend. Keep me posted on all those manly things you'll be doing with out the Mrs. underfoot! Love, Restless

October 10, 2005
1:41 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), Ok, I do think you’re crazy but what a great idea!!! I have sent myself emails for reminders but you are opening up a whole new field. Maybe we could call it something creative, got any ideas?? Seriously, I think it is a wonderful thing that you did and I loved reading what you wrote. I am crazy too I guess, crazy about you Restless!! Things have not been so good for me lately. I dropped R off at the airport Thursday and she left a phone message from Madrid on Friday morning. She said she would call when she reached Mallorca. I didn’t hear from her until Saturday morning and she was very upset. She was crying and told me she was afraid and insecure because it was a new place, she didn’t speak the language and didn’t know her way around. I could only listen and that is what I did. I assured her that it was OK for her to be afraid and upset and it was going to be OK. After we talked and she hung up, I realized that I was totally faking it, I was freaking out and wanted to get on a plane that instant and go fix her situation. That was my co-dependant behavior kicking in. I thought I was doing a good job with that but maybe not with R. I just love her so much and it was hard to be powerless over that situation. I called my AA sponsor and we talked about it and then I went to a meeting and shared my frustration and did feel better after that. I had a relatively good day Saturday. R sent me a very short email last night and said she was doing better but for some reason, I still am feeling sad and lonely. I didn’t think this separation was going to bother me so. It seems like her note was kind of cold and impersonal but maybe she was just in a hurry or something. I will try not to read into it. So today I am at work and in a little bit of a funk. Tonight I think I will just read and pray and try to take care of myself. I have to let go and let God take care of R. She will be OK I am sure. So enough out of me. Maybe by tomorrow when you read this, I will be feeling better. How was your long weekend? I hope you had a great time and that you are doing well. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow if you feel like writing. Take care Restless. Love always, Tryin

October 11, 2005
4:23 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))),
How about an e-alarm? Best I can come up with today! I need to send my self a blaring siren of an email to keep me from corresponding with my friend. Yep, he's back. I feel so bad when I don't reply. I think I'm just too nice. Naive? Too big of an idiot?? Sigh, oh well, I'm trying not to dwell on him. How are you feeling today? Better I hope! I can imagine how scary that was for R. She's used to having you around and she had to deal with things by her self. And yes, you do have to let her deal with this by herself. She'll be fine. And so will you! Have you heard from her again? Really I hope you spend some time just relaxing and enjoying your space. I truly do believe in the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". When she gets back you two are going to have some major catching up to do and it will be soooo wonderful! Tell me how things are going. My weekend was good. Wish every weekend was a 3 day one. Enjoyed the shopping trip with the girls. Tonight it's the dentist. Fun fun! Beautiful fall day here. Going to try and find the time to get out and go for a walk tonight. Talk to you tomorrow. Love, Restless

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