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Good Friends
August 22, 2005
11:36 am
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Hi (((Restless))), I an really doing well today. I took today and tomorrow off to paint the front of our house which needs it badly. The front always takes the weather so it gets pretty beat up. We have those thick hand split wood shingles and they are tough to paint so I spray them. I spent the morning masking off the windows and doors and now I am taking a break. It was so good to get your note and your excitement is catching...now I'm excited. I hope you know that guilt is not really a feeling either...it is a judgement against yourself so stop judging yourself and get on with it OK!!?? I think you will have a great time and he is one lucky guy as far as I am concerned. Maybe we will meet up in the next life!! Oh, guess what?? Friday I got my hair cut REALLY short. I have always worn it fairly long so I thought it was time for a change. I like it. It takes only a couple minutes to take a shower now. I got a lot of reaction from everyone, even my friend yesterday at a meeting told me it looked nice. I was surprised at that...well maybe not so surprised. Anyway, my weekend was great. R is pretty down today about some stuff in her family so I am going to a Alanon meeting with her in a few minutes, then we will finish the painting this afternoon. She is a good helper. She is still insecure about us so I just need to keep showing her that she is my #1 and I will keep doing that. She gets funny everytime I go to a meeting and my friend is there. She always askes me if S was there so I know there is still a lot of jealousy. I understand that though and take responsibility for my past behavior. Things will keep on improving and I am happy about that. So thats about it. Write back if you feel like it and those novenas keep truckin' on. Take care Restless and I look forward to hearing from you again before you leave OK? Love, Tryin

August 23, 2005
2:02 pm
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(((Tryin))) Hi, how's the painting going? Hope you are enjoying your time off a lot. OK OK I'm going to work on not judging myself and just enjoying it. I'm soooo nervous though! I'll leave here tomorrow around 1 and drive to his town. See him Wed night, all day Thur and Fri morning. Yikes! I still can't quite figure out why I'm so nervous. I mean really nervous. So nervous that I can't really let myself think about it or I start shaking. It's not like it's the first time I've seen him and I know him really well. Just trying to take deep breaths and stay calm. 🙂 I can't wait until we meet up, either in this lifetime or the next. I know I will be just as nervous though!! Wish I could see your new hairstyle. I just know that it's very handsome. You probably had your friend stealing many glimpses when you weren't aware of it. More novenas needed!! Thank you sooo much for them. Will try and write again tomorrow and you will be the first one that hears from me about my trip. If I don't totally fall apart that is. Plan on listening to the rosary on CD on the drive there. Does that seem a little desperate for God's help?? Take care my friend and thank you again for being there for me. Love, Restless

August 24, 2005
6:50 am
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Hi ((((Restless)))), I am excited for you and still praying. You have permanently been added to my daily prayer list. Please drive carefully today and have a safe trip and always remember that I will be there for you in spirit. You are becoming a really good friend and support Restless and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you. It is funny how you mentioned breathing because when I get nervous or stressed, I seem to stop breathing or not breath deep enough and then I start feeling sick. Since I have realized that I do this, now I usually catch myself and am able to breath deeply before I almost pass out. Keep breathing deeply OK. R and I finished the front of the house and it looks really good. We had a nice long weekend and some really good talks. Yesterday we had a really great discussion about my friend and what is going on. R has good instincts and also has a good perspective on my friend and has warned me about her before…I should have listened but I am doing a pretty good job of boarding up that hole and things are pretty good in that area. Anyway, enough about me. I will be thinking of you a lot in these next couple days and sending positive energy, thoughts and prayers your way. BTW, I can’t wait until we meet up either, I will probably be more nervous than you though, believe me. So take care and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do OK. Remember I love you and will be there for support…I am only a thought away. You are a really cool gal Restless, I admire your willingness and your energy. God’s speed. Love, Tryin

August 24, 2005
9:43 am
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(((((Tryin)))), I'm so nervous I don't know if I will be able to drive there! I know things will be fine once I actually see him. Like you said I just have to keep reminding myself to breath. Good to hear that things are going well with you with both the house and with R. I like you advice of "don't do anything I wouldn't do". I know I'm going to be tempted to do more than I have planned. We'll see just how strong I am. THANK you for being there and being my support. I have thoughts of you often and you are in my prayers also. I've reread your line about not judging myself and feeling guilty and just getting on with it quite a few times this week. I think what I'm doing is putting too much weight on this meeting instead of just enjoying it and allowing myself to just have a couple days of fun. So...whew...that's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to relax and smile and be myself and have fun. Yikes...still nervous though. 🙂 Have a great rest of the week and weekend. Will talk to you Monday. Thanks again (((Tryin))). I love your support and I love you, Restless

August 25, 2005
12:21 pm
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(((Tryin))) It's Thursday almost noon and I'm at the hotel. Not going as planned and I'm so upset all I can do is cry. In hotel's business center right now so I could send this to you. I'm so upset. Just if you get this message, please do me a favor and pray for me. I'm like a lost puppy. Restless

August 26, 2005
7:01 am
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(((Restless))) Got your message…I have been praying for you each day and will continue to do so. I wish I could be there for you to help but I am there with you in spirit. Sometimes things just don’t turn out the way we want them to so we must try to learn from them and go on. I know that sounds trite and you probably don’t want to hear that right now but it is true. You are going to get thru this Restless and life will go on and it will get better. You will have your day, I know it. I wasn’t expecting a post from you so I am sorry this is so late. I wish we had a better way to communicate. I will keep my eye on this site today and all weekend. Please try to be the strong woman I know you can be and write as soon as you can, OK. Love, Tryin

August 29, 2005
7:50 am
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Good morning ((((Restless)))), I am worried about you. If you read this today, let me know OK. I have continued my prayers for you and I hope you got home safely. Love, Tryin

August 29, 2005
10:47 am
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(((Tryin)))
I'm so sorry to make you worry. I'm ok. Just need some time to sort things out. And being bombarded at work this morning doesn't help. I will fill you in as soon as I get a break today. Please don't worry though. Not the end of the world and I'm doing ok. Just not clear on path of my life right now. Was a disappointing trip. 🙁 But it's ok. How are you?
Love, Restless
ps Thanks for your prayers!

August 30, 2005
6:52 am
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Good Morning (((Restless))), thanks for the note and take all the time you need to do your sorting. It must have been a very difficult trip and I am sorry it didn’t work out the way you had hoped. I’m not worried (too much) about you, we all have to go thru difficult times in order to grow and that sucks but it is a fact of life. Always remember that “pain is necessary but suffering is optional”. We can decide to move ahead and do what is best for each of us in this life and pain is a great motivator in this regard…at least in my experience. So hang in there my friend and above all, take care of yourself, there is only one you and a very special you in my opinion. I will keep an eye on the site and you can post when you are ready, OK. Love, Your Friend Tryin

September 1, 2005
4:07 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))). Thank you for your patience. Ok, here is what happened and where I am now. I got up there Wed night and he stopped in briefly because he saw my van in the parking lot of hotel. Wanted to see how my trip went and get times set for Thur morning. That meeting was awesome!! He was so great and we were both excited to be spending the next day together. Yes…we kissed and hugged and it just felt right. I was on cloud nine. He was going to pick me up around 10 or earlier if he could the next day. Well, it got to be 10 on Thursday morning and then 11. Well you can imagine what I am thinking. He finally shows up and I knew the second I opened the door and looked at his face. His wife had made other plans for him and there was no way he could get out of them. I was devastated. I went all that way and through all that trouble just to have him tell me there was no way he could see me the rest of the time I was there. He did apologize but my first reaction was to be dumbfounded. How in the heck could he have not solidified his “freedom” for the day knowing that I was going to be there. Then I found myself being upset with the fact that he chose HER over ME! Cried all afternoon and kept telling myself how stupid I was for trusting and believing and everything else I thought I felt for him. A MAJOR pity party. Well, after several hours of that I said the heck (actually used a much stronger word) and got myself together and went to a place…bar/restaurant…that was right next door to hotel. Had something to eat , or tried to anyway and basically continued my pity party. I am sure I looked rather depressed. A gentleman that was there with several friends ended up approaching me and introducing himself. I did the same but also told him I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone. Well, he wasn’t rude but he also continued to chat occasionally with me and finally got out of me what had happened. He let me talk his ear off. J What a nice guy. Sort of renewed my thoughts of the male species. I felt better by the time I left and went back to the room. Continued hopes that my friend would show up again before I left but it didn’t happen. I came home to an email of him apologizing for what happened and him telling me how lousy he felt. That email was sent Thur afternoon and I haven’t heard a thing from him until today and it was brief. I sent him an email Friday telling him that I understood him not having a choice in the matter and that it was ok. Well, you know what, it’s not ok. I’m really still very upset that after all the planning and talking we did about this that he basically had no plan of making sure it happened. And also the fact that he didn’t choose me. I know I know I asked for it by being involved with a married man. She’s always going to take 1st place. I just don’t think I can deal with this relationship anymore. It’s caused me so much stress and has hurt me so many times that I want to end it. Yet, I can’t seem to actually do that. I have no idea what he’s thinking. There are circumstances right now that I knew could happen that is preventing him to send mail as frequently as before. But I keep having this thought of …if there is a will there is a way. I’m upset that he won’t/can’t put more effort into our relationship and that after 6 years he still isn’t serious about it. Am I overreacting? Should I be looking at this all differently and not be so upset and just try and appreciate the friendship when we are able to communicate? Am I being too serious? I hope this makes sense. I’m sure I’ll re-read and clarify some things and add others. Going to send for now though. I’ve made you wait and wonder what’s going on long enough. Thanks for caring about me and thanks for letting me share this story with you. Love, Restless
PS. Tell me about you!

September 2, 2005
8:40 am
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Hi (((Restless)))…Wow, that’s a heavy situation and you must have been devastated. I am so sorry. I know that you call him your friend but it sounds a lot like you are in love with him and that is really difficult since he is choosing his wife over you. I really don’t know much about this guy but I think you have to step back and look at things at face value for a minute. He may say that there isn’t much between him and his wife but he is committed to her. That probably won’t change. He feels torn because he likes you and may feel more emotional intimacy with you but he still is committed to his wife and their marriage. He is doing what he needs to do even though he feels bad about hurting you. I know that he apologized but apologies don’t really mean that much without action behind them. (((Restless))), I think it is time for you to do what you need to do and I think you know very well what that is. You need to take care of yourself honey, you are a fine young woman and don’t need this kind of turmoil and disturbance in your life (unless of course you are a glutton for punishment) and I don’t get that impression at all. You are a good person and don’t deserve this kind of treatment but you have to look at your part in this also. You keep hanging on to this relationship and I don’t think it is a healthy one. You want it to work so much because you love this guy but you cannot control how he behaves. You can only control how you behave. I think it is time Restless…. I don’t know if this helps but I am going thru some of the same stuff. Right now, my “friend” and I had words and now are in the “no contact” club and as far as I am concerned, that is where it is going to stay (but it really hurts because I love her). At the same time, R is giving me fits and we are at odds with each other. No matter what I do…it isn’t right. Gee Restless, maybe we should run away together!!! (Only kidding) I guess life and love is wonderful but can be very painful at times and you are going thru one of those times. It is tough when we know we have so much to offer someone else and they don’t recognize it or even want it. It just plain hurts a whole lot. But we will get thru this and move on. The most important thing in my opinion, although it may sound self serving, is to take care of ourselves. I am really, really, really glad I heard from you today, I have missed you. Try to write back before the weekend if you can OK. Very much love, Tryin

September 2, 2005
1:28 pm
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Hi (((Tryin)))
Read this earlier and I thank you for your words. I know you are right but why does it have to be so painful. Yes, I am in love with him. Or at least I was. I'm just very confused right now. I'm taking some space away from him to just try and clear my head. When I hear from him he just takes me right back into his "web". He's very good at it as I'm coming to realize. Sort of wanting to keep me around just in case or until he's ready. I fooled myself into thinking that I could just be friends. And maybe I can, after some space. Anyway, that's what I'm doing now....putting some space between us and just letting myself sort of slow down and breathe. And you know what? It's easier than I thought. I think it is actually a blessing that I finally got my eyes opened. He's still a great guy and I know he doesn't do these things on purpose. Still, you are right in saying I have to do what's right for me. And right now what's right for me is taking some time just for myself. Love is painful, isn't it. Sigh. This adjustment period is a torture but I know each day will be better. We'll see what happens. I just can't say goodbye yet although maybe that is what he wants and he'll do that. Taking one day at a time and I'm not going to frett one single day of that one day at a time. Life's too short and there is wayyyy too many things to actually be happy and positive about to waste away and dwell on what I can't change. Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?? Now...where are we running away to? Would you prefer tropical island or somewhere with 4 seasons? Am I just trading one fantasy life for another?? teehee. A little fantasy never hurt, did it? I've missed you too.

September 2, 2005
1:28 pm
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Clicked too early. Love you! and Thank you! Restless

September 2, 2005
2:08 pm
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I'm going to visit my parents this weekend and was just thinking how badly I want to take a t-shirt (one of his that is very very much a part of who he is) that he gave to me last week with me so I can sleep in it. Not a good idea I know. I guess I'm not moving away from this relationship like I thought. I miss him. 🙁 Trying to be strong. Thanks for being here to listen.

September 6, 2005
7:34 am
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Hi (((Restless))), Hope you had a good weekend. Hope your visit was good and helped distract you from you-know-who. I am on vacation this week but it is going to be a busy one. We had a nice weekend and R and I had some intense talks that had good outcomes. We are definitely growing together and it is painful but our relationship will be the better for it. It will/is becoming definitely different but better…at least in my eyes. We went to some friends Sunday for a Labor Day picnic and had a good time. R had a mishap though, she was looking for the bathroom (friends new place…never been there) and she fell down their cellar stairs. She got pretty banged up, twisted her knee, big goose egg on the head and lots of bruises but didn’t break anything. The strange thing was that she didn’t tell anyone about it. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself and I think she was embarrassed. When we got in the car to leave, she told me about it. The next day, she was really sore and the bruises came out so you could tell but right after it happened, she was cool. I think she is a strange chick!! I would have let everyone know about it. I am just grateful she didn’t get hurt more seriously…that could have been really bad. Anyway, today we are going to visit her Mom in the assisted living and her Dad in the nursing home over in the next city over. I am not excited about that but want to support her as her parents phase out of life. That is difficult. Thursday we are going to Boston to visit my daughter, son and law and grandson. They are having an end of summer party for their friends on Saturday and have invited the “old folks” to come up until Sunday. That is really nice and we are looking forward to it. The little guy is almost 17mo now and has developed quite a personality…like his mom’s I am sure. Well, I’d better go now but write back and tell me about your weekend, OK. Take care, Love, Tryin

September 12, 2005
8:49 am
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Hi (((Restless))), I see you haven't posted in over a week. I hope you are OK and I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know that we have been supporting each other over the last several months on this site but I just wanted you to know that if you are uncomfortable about our relationship and want to discontinue, I will understand. It is not what I would prefer but I will honor what ever you would like out of the respect I have gained for you. Please just be honest with me OK? Hope to hear back from you soon, Love, Tryin

September 13, 2005
9:51 am
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Hi (((Tryin))),
I'm doing ok. Sort of. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I'm not uncomfortable at all with our relationship and DO NOT want it to discontinue. I'm sorry I haven't been a very good friend lately. I haven't been one to anybody. I just sort of exist right now. I get up, cry, go to work, go to my kids activities and cry myself to sleep. That is about all I have the energy for. Sound seriously depressed?? 🙂 I am but I'm also hanging in there so don't worry. I've had minimal contact with my friend and I know it's best to keep it that way for now. I just miss him so much. We used to talk about everything. I've lost my best friend and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. You see it's very hard for me to come on here and write to you because it makes me want to log into my email and check for messages and even worse, send one. I know I'm not being fair to you and I will try and do better to get here more often. How was your week of vacation? How are you?? I do miss you my friend. Love, Restless

September 13, 2005
11:06 am
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Hi (((Restless))), OK, thank you very much for being honest and letting me know where you are coming from, I appreciate that more than you know. I am not trying to compare because I do believe your situation is more painful than mine but I am also in a no contact situation with my friend. As much as she has pissed me off, I still love her and miss my communication with her. She occupies my mind WAY more than she should and that pisses me off too. I have done my share of crying over this but for me, I know it is the way it has to be so that gives it a purpose and I am able to live with it as much as it hurts. If only all things could be my way and everyone in my life would be the way I want them to be!!! (how’s that for being unrealistic?) Anyway, I was very concerned when I didn’t hear from you so I am relieved that you are still with us. It is incredible to me how attached and concerned I have become about you even though I have never seen or met you. They say that email leaves so much out of communication but that doesn’t seem to be the case with us does it? Anyway, I am a patient man so if it is a reminder of him when you come to this site, then I will wait for you, no problem, as long as I know you are OK. You might want to think about counseling if this keeps going the way it is going for an extended period, it sure helps me. You are worth it Restless, sometimes we need to ask for help. It took me a long time to learn that but since I have, my life has become easier. I will always think of you and keep you in my prayers. I miss you too. Love, Tryin

P.S. – We really had a good vacation and nice time with the “kids”. My grandson is really a pistol, always moving, full of energy and hard to keep up with. I love him so much. R and I are doing pretty well also, I think our communication is becoming more honest and real since S is out of the picture. Things are definitely getting better with us.

September 14, 2005
9:14 am
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Hi (((Tryin))),
I know you are hurting too over the loss of your friendship with S. I can't even imagine how painful that must be for you to have to see her and know that she is the one refusing your friendship. And with no explanation! Makes no sense the way others treat us but we just have to keep realizing it's their problem and their loss. My friend is being nice to me, that's the problem. Doesn't seem like much of a problem but he is not cutting ties, doesn't want to, but yet is letting me have the space I need right now. I just can't bring myself to cut all ties with him and I found myself emailing him a couple of times yesterday. He's being very polite and "careful" around me and neither one of us is talking about the devastating experience we had when I went to visit him. I'm hoping that with a little more space and time I can get myself to where I can just be friends with him and where he can feel the same about me. Every time I think about telling him that we shouldn't talk anymore I have this voice inside my head telling me that I'm walking away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish I could go to counseling. Right now, at least for the next few months it just won't fit into my life. Kids have too much going on in afternoons and evenings for me to give myself that time I need. You really are a big help and I apologize again for not being on here much lately. I think I just needed time to myself without talking about it. Needed to sort things out in my head. I'm almost there. I enjoy our messages and agree that we communicate to each other very well. I have no intention of giving this or you up! Sooo good to hear that you enjoyed your family! Your grandson sounds like such a joy! And good to hear also that you and R are doing well. Just had a thought about how good it would feel to maybe someday have some peace and happiness in my life. Not that I'm not happy and grateful for everything that I do have...I am and I really am not "unhappy". Now I feel guilty for wanting more. Maybe that's my problem, expecting and wanting too much. Anyway, have a good day and hopefully I'll be able to check back here again today. Love you! God Bless, Restless

September 14, 2005
9:55 am
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Hi (((Restless))), good to hear from you Today. Hey, guess what…I got a very significant promotion last month (I don’t think I mentioned it in a previous post or maybe I did...CRS). I was totally taken by surprise and am very grateful. The best part about it is that my responsibilities didn’t change, just my paycheck and grade. I am flattered because they aren’t giving out too many promos to guys my age these days. I am not rich but I never thought I would ever make the kind of $ I am making right now (I’m not bragging really, just grateful). Most everything lately is going to my retirement fund but ya know, this morning I was thinking that I am pretty happy with myself these days and if something happens and I don’t get to do the things I have never done before, it is OK, no big deal!!! I am happy for the here and now, just these 24hours. I am finding that I need to discover that kind of happiness in myself…I cannot depend on S or R or anyone else for my happiness because if I do, I will always be disappointed because they are human just like I am. How’s that for Wednesday morning philosophy?!!! Think about it Restless. We are a lot alike I think and how much better would our lives be if we could just find that peace within ourselves?? Then we can just enjoy our loved ones for who they are and not expect any more. Wouldn’t that be grand?? I am working on that as hard as I can. Therapy is helping me with that. I pray that one day, you will find a good therapist or person to help you. Someone you can talk to about anything and not have to worry about being judged or rejected for your thoughts. It is very freeing and I hope you will see your way clear to find that…where there is a will, there is a way. (don't mean to harp on you about that but it must be pretty obvious that I believe in it)Well, I hope you are having a good day and I will check in here later. Write back and let me know how your day is going OK? Love, Tryin

P.S. You sound better and I am happy for that.

September 14, 2005
4:07 pm
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Hi (((Tryin)))
Real quick note here. It was a no contact day but I'm doing ok with that. Just heard the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks and those words are so true! Are you familiar with it? Need to run but wanted to say hi and CONGRATULATIONS! on your promotion! That's fabulous! I'm sure you greatly deserved it. More tomorrow! (((more hugs)))
Love, Restless

September 15, 2005
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Hi (((Restless))), How are you today? I just got back from running around to a couple different meetings which were at another facility 20 miles away. Boy with the price of gas lately, this traveling is costing me more that I get reimbursed for. I have about an hour to tidy things up here and then its off to our group picnic. Guess what…? It is dark and threatening rain!!! We do have a covered shelter though. I don’t generally like those work type events but today I am looking forward to a relaxing afternoon talking trash and stuff like that. It should be fun. I don’t think I have ever heard that Garth Brooks song although I do like him. Maybe you could sing me a few bars…What do you say? Are you a country fan? We have never talked about music before. I do like some country but it makes me emotional a lot and sometimes makes me cry. All that talk about breakin’ up and stuff like that, I just don’t always want to hear it. I guess those country folks have some trouble with relationships too (Sometimes I think everyone does don’t they?) I was actually a rock musician when I was younger. I have played the guitar since I was 14years old and have been in a lot of different bands including church folk groups as I got older. After my son died though, the music just left me and I have not played much. Every time I pick up and try, something stops me and I just can’t continue. When I get over that, it will be a real breakthrough for me. I’ll keep working on it and hopefully someday…I’ll be back. So you had no contact yesterday huh? I am glad you were OK with it. It has gotten easier for me (a little) . I saw my therapist this morning before my meetings and that went well. He is a great guy and gives me good input. He helps me see how I am causing a lot of my own pain and that is a good thing. Awareness is huge for me and I am gradually becoming more aware each day. Well, I’d better get back to it…I sure talked a lot about myself today, maybe that will distract you a little for a short time anyway. I am glad we are writing again so thanks for making the effort, it is always good to hear from you Restless, I mean that. I am always willing to listen. Take care and know that you are loved, OK. Talk to you soon. Love, Tryin ((((Extra hugs for you too))))

September 19, 2005
11:48 am
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((( Tryin))),
How was your weekend?? Mine was busy, as usual. You are such a neat guy and I enjoy very much learning more and more about you! Music must come from the heart and you'll one day get it back. How you made it through your loss I'll never know. Do keep working on it because I can just imagine how talented you are and you should continue using that talent. I love all types of music...well, except that rap crap that my girls sometimes listen to. Even a few..very few...of those songs I like. "The Dance" is one of those emotion-filled country songs. I'll copy it at the end of this message. Well....Friday was a very interesting one for me. My friend has been saying really strange things and it dawned on me that he was trying to "egg me on" and push me to my limit. Well, my limit is a very long one (if that makes sense). I do not easily agitate to the point of exploding and I do believe that is what he was trying to get me to do. So, instead I just asked him if it was best to just say our goodbyes. This was on Thursday. I didn't get any reply. So I asked him if he got my email and he relied with a "yes". That's all. So after again getting no more out of him I just sent a very nice email on Friday saying that if this is the way it's going to be I prefer to just say our goodbyes and that's what I did...told him goodbye. I told him that I take with me so many memories of our times together but I just can't continue on with the heartache of him being so distant. He did the thing that he knows would most hurt me and get to me...he did nothing. Not a word. Not an email. Not a comment. Nothing. I have had this conversation about the need I have for closure in things. He knows me and he knows this is killing me to have this still hanging. If he doesn't want to say goodbye, why doesn't he just say that? Why can't we talk about it? Or if he agrees why can't he just let me go??? You know that Oliva Newton-John song...If you love me let me know...if you don't then let me go...music again. Anyway, what do I do???? Do I force myself to walk away and say it's his loss that he doesn't have a real goodbye between us or do I write him and ask him for closure or ask him what's going on? I don't know what to do.......Lots of Love, Restless
The Dance
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
~be glad I didn't sing this to you!! :)~

September 19, 2005
2:16 pm
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Anonymous
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Oh (((Restless))), your post makes me cry so much. The dance is beautiful and I’ll need to get a copy to listen to when I want to cry some more. The sick thing your “friend” is doing to you is EXACTLY the sick thing my “friend” is doing to me. I have shared with her on many occasions that the worst thing for me is not knowing or not having closure. So what is she doing!?…exactly that…not letting us talk about what has gone on between us. She says she doesn’t feel the need to talk about it. It really hurts but you know I have learned a lot about that behavior since I am having to deal with it. My therapist says it is her way of seducing me to keep me coming back to her. At first I didn’t believe him but now I am beginning to. Nothing I have done has brought me any closer to closure with her. She doesn’t want closure!! that has to be the case. She wants me hanging, that way she has awesome power over me. That sounds sick but I believe it is true. She has manipulated me in many ways to keep her power over me and I am just getting wise to it. If you feel up to it, Google “Manipulative people” The first hit will be “Dealing with manipulative people”. It is an excerpt from the book “In Sheep’s Clothing” by George Simon. Read it and see if any of that fits your friend. Maybe in your case it won’t fit but a lot of it fit with my friend and I am feeling pretty naïve about how innocent I see people’s actions. Be ready though, some of it is pretty heavy and you can take what you want and leave the rest. Maybe it will help you decide what to do. My therapist says that the worst thing I can do is go to her. I have to find closure within myself because I will never get it from her because that is the last thing she wants. WOW, I guess you really hit a nerve. I believe we are both experiencing a very similar hurt. Maybe it is no coincidence that we were brought together to support one another. I believe God had a lot to do with that. It is so sad how something so beautiful as the friendships we have experienced could turn on us. I have to look at this as a learning experience. S has been a good teacher for me. I don’t want to ever put anyone thru what I am experiencing now and I don’t want to experience it again…EVER. I won’t let this make my cynical about everyone though, I believe I had to learn this and it will help me in choosing all my future relationships. It has already helped me with my relationship with R…she has never done anything like that to me and I don’t think she ever would. I appreciate her a lot more now. You will get thru this Restless and things will get better one day at a time. Just hang in there. I see you have made a lot of progress just in the couple weeks since your trip. It was really great to hear from you today, I needed that so thank you for taking the time to share where you are at. We,, I am long winded so I will sign off but I’ll be thinking of you a lot, that’s for sure. My weekend was so-so. R’s Dad is in the hospital in serious condition so we spent a lot of time there but I was glad to support her. It is a tough time for R and I don’t want to leave her alone in this. I will pray that God gives you guidance in your decision. Lots of love, Tryin

September 20, 2005
11:04 am
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restless
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(((Tryin))),
Why are our past friends so sick?? I just don't understand why someone would do that? Maybe I'm missing something. I still can't believe that a 6 year relationship is ending like this and after all the things he said to me just a few weeks ago! What is the meaning behind all this?? Sigh, I know you don't know and I will probably never know either. He is giving up one of the best things that he will ever have. I offered him an unconditional friendship that he has thrown away. Someone caring about you that much doesn't happen very often in a lifetime. This experience has also made me aware of how gullible I can be. I fell for all the lines and was made to be a fool. Never again. You know what? My husband would never do this to me either. hhmmm That's insightful. This is just making me so #*&(^ mad! I'm thinking of trying one more email specifically asking for closure. I know I might as well just send it to a stranger because I'll get the same response...nothing. My days are so crazy at work and nights are just as bad. Homecoming week this week and my daughter played powder-puff football last night. The girls play tag football, each class against the others. Fun to watch. Only bad part is that on my way there, my daughter was backing out of her friends driveway and hit a parked car! She was upset but the owner took $250 cash for the damages. Nothing happened to her car. After all this she had to go play. Rest of us also went into HS to watch. So it was an eventful evening. Hopefully she learned a good lesson. SLOW DOWN AND WATCH WHERE YOU ARE DRIVING! Going to try and find time to google that subject today. Hope R's dad is getting some comfort and that she is given God's strength to get through it. Will check back in a bit. Love, Restless
PS my messages seem to be all about me lately

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