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Good Friends
July 25, 2005
8:41 am
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restless
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Hi (((Tryin))),
Whew, been a long time! Had a good week off. My daughter was in a national softball tournament. It was just her and I that made the trip (along with other parents and girls of course) and we had a really good time. I can't believe how fast the summer is going! No new relationship news to report. Everything pretty much the same but that's is really ok with me. No turmoil is always a good thing. How are things with R? How about your friend? Anything new with you? Will try and check in again later today. Hope starting this thread was ok. I'm really not looking for advice from anyone else and that thread title got a lot of people looking I think. Of course, as always, I thank you for your support and friendship in my life. Love ya, Restless

July 25, 2005
9:56 am
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Hi (((Restless))), I like this…Good friends is a good title also and I could use a good friend right now. Things with me are not very good and I feel very lonely and invisible right now. I am king of squeezed between a rock and a bolder. I have completely moved away from my “friend”. I have done this partly at R’s request and partly because I am seeing that the friendship with S is very one sided and manipulative. I didn’t want to believe that but now that I have had a chance to get some space between us, I am seeing more clearly and realizing the hold and influence she has had on me. I still care about her but can’t risk my marriage or myself to remain close to her. It is so sad. To compound that, R is very upset with me about many things and it has taken me by surprise. She has come at me like a firestorm. Her anger with me is incredible and has totally blown me away. All along, I thought she was OK with my relationship with S but she was not and it is now evident. She says she doesn’t trust me or anything I do anymore and it doesn’t really matter what I say, she needs proof and it will take a long time before she trusts me again. I really value our relationship and our marriage and I will do anything to save that, I mean it Restless. I am so frustrated. I can see that I have had a big part in this whole thing and I accept responsibility for it. I only hope that I can be the person that R wants me to be and do the right things. I don’t know what to do right now so I am doing nothing but talking to my therapist (and you right now). He says that I let women have too much power over me and that we need to do some work about my relationship with my Mom. That is also difficult for me too. Boy, aren’t you glad you asked how I was???!!! Anyway, I am so glad to hear from you and I am glad that you had a good week. I missed you a lot. I will keep plugging and take it one day at a time but I am not feeling too positive these days. It is hard to keep a good attitude right now, that is for sure. I just feel like running away but I won’t do that. I will just try and do the next right thing for R and our marriage. Please take care my friend and have a good day. If you get a chance, write back with some comments, I would love to hear what you think about this one!! Love, Tryin

July 26, 2005
2:24 pm
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Hi again (((Restless))), I figure you are just really busy coming back after a week off but I am hoping that my post yesterday didn’t scare you off. It is pretty unlike me to feel this way, I am usually on a pretty even keel but this has really got me rattled. I am feeling cornered and that isn’t good for me. Last night R went out with her friends and came home in a better frame of mind. We did talk for awhile but it was after 10:00 and I was tired so I went to bed. I am afraid it is going to take her a long time to come around and she is waiting for me to make more mistakes. I have decided though that I just need to be myself, I can’t make everything better for her so I have to take care of myself. We had a good talk the other day and she said that she has this “empty space” in her that she always looked to me to fill. She had a really abusive childhood and never connected with either of her parents, especially her dad. I was kind of a “dad replacement” for her. I just can’t live up to that and never really could but I will do everything I can to support her. She is really hurting right now and feeling very insecure, hurt and alone. I love her very much and we have been thru so much together with the loss of our son and all, I just hope she can find it in herself to begin to trust me again. It isn’t like I had an affair either, S and I never crossed that line or even so much as kissed or even held hands but R says that we were emotionally intimate (and we were) and that is even worse than having a sexual affair. I don’t see it that way but she does so I need to listen to her and respect her beliefs. I just wished she had more up front with me all along about this but she said that she wasn’t even aware that it bothered her so much. Anyway, I will keep trying like usual and hanging in there. I am sure I will be coming out of this funk soon at least I hope so. Thanks for listening and being there for me. This is very therapeutic. You should see my journal lately….can you imagine, its page after page but I will get better and the best thing is that I can go thru this sober and don’t have to drink over it. That makes me feel good and I have faith that things will turn out the way they are supposed to in Gods time, not my time. So take care Restless and write back when you get a chance. I hope you are having a good day. Love, Tryin

July 27, 2005
10:43 am
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(((Tryin))),
I have been swamped these last couple of days though. No excuse though, I should have tried harder to get back here. Sorry for that my friend. You are doing the right thing in letting her sort things out by herself and just "being there" and staying true to yourself. Is she getting some counseling to work through things? She couldn't have expected you to know what she was thinking and feeling about your friendship with S. If she wasn't totally honest with you then there is nothing more that you could have done. From all that you told me I truly do think that you have a very strong marriage. Sometimes just a little space is needed between two people. It doesn't mean that they don't love each other or that they intend to leave the relationship, it's just a healthy way of giving ourselves time to sort things out. Giving her space but yet making sure she knows that you will always be there is, in my opinion, the very best thing you can do for the both of you right now. You take some time and space too. Although rehashing everything you did and didn't do in the past isn't what you should be doing either. We can't change the past, all we can do is keep smiling and making sure today is the very best we can make it. Only so much of what takes place in our lives is in our hands. I think R knows that your friendship wasn't an "affair". And if she knows it's over then she really needs to let it go. I know, easier said than done sometimes. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. I AM here for you and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take some deep breaths and count your blessings...which are many. You are a very strong person, my friend, and I know you will do just fine. One thing you said sticks in my mind. You said "I only hope that I can be the person that R wants me to be and do the right things.". You need to be the person that Tryin wants you to be and do the things that feel right to you. You can't completely change for her or you are going to lose yourself. Know what I'm saying? I've realized that the hard way in my marriage. If you try and meet all of R's demands and are constantly walking on egg shells to try and not upset her, you are only going to succeed in making yourself over anxious and miserable. Of course you need to be mindful of her feelings, concerns and needs, just make sure you are mindful of your own also. Off my soapbox now but more later. Thanks for being here for me too. Love you, Restless.

July 27, 2005
3:49 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), thank you for your kind words and I know you mean them. I am feeling a little better today. You are right as usual about being good to myself and not trying to be everything for R. I know that is the right thing to do so don’t worry, I won’t loose myself in this. I actually believe that R will even like me better if I am myself and not try to be something I am not. My problem is my codependency that I constantly battle. I am a pretty easy mark when it comes to women so I have to be careful that I am not being taken advantage of. I like being considerate, understanding and a good listener…hell, that is a lot of who I am but at the same time I have to realize when I am being “worked”. My therapist says that when it comes to women, “you can sure pick um!!” I guess I need to learn from this, keep smiling like you said and just move ahead. Things will get better between R and I and I agree that we do have a strong marriage and we are both committed to it. Things will work out. I figured that you were really busy Restless so I didn’t flinch when I didn’t hear from you. I have been taking care of myself…How about you? Anything exciting in your life…how about in your past life (teehee). Oh by the way, celibacy really sucks (just kidding or am I?) Seriously though, life is really good and I have much to be grateful for that is for sure. These bumps in the road are just that…bumps and we all get over them with a little faith and patience. I am glad that you are here for me Restless and I am glad I can be there for you when you need me. We are definitely good together. So hang in there and don’t worry about me or R, we will be fine and don’t forget to take care of yourself too, you deserve it. Write back when you get a chance and let me know how you are doing. Love you too, Tryin

July 29, 2005
8:26 am
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Hi (((Restless))), happy Friday!!! Are you here today? I was out yesterday, took the day off and spent it at the lake with R. We have a great time and a lot of good healthy conversation. Things are definately looking up for us. Now how about you? Still busy at work? Anything new going on? How are things going with your friend? I see you didn't post yesterday...If you get a chance today, let me know how you are doing OK? Love, Tryin

August 1, 2005
7:50 am
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Good Morning (((Restless))), how was your weekend and how was the end of your week? Have you been on vacation again? I had a good weekend even though sparks were flying on Saturday between R and I. She bought these 2” blinds to put up on our windows and decided Saturday would be a good time to install them as a couple. Well, you can probably guess the rest. We are both kind of controlling and she had her ideas and I had mine about how it was going to go. Needless to say, we ended up in a big fight and shouting match both stomping around the house like a couple of kids. The good thing was that we were both able to process what was happening and before it turned into resentments that would last for days. (like we used to do) We ended up apologizing to each other and finishing the job. It was a good experience for both of us and the blinds turned out nice. The weekend was definitely uphill after that. Yesterday, R and I went to an Alanon meeting together. We decided that we would go to this particular meeting every Sunday together. It is something we have in common since we both grew up in alcoholic homes. That was my 2nd Alanon meeting and I am finding it very helpful to my recovery. R has been going for a while and it is helping her also to deal with her past as well as the wreckage I caused in our marriage because of my drinking. I am so happy that I don’t have to do that anymore. R is going out of town today to visit her friend for a couple days. They are going off together this fall to Majorca, an island in the Med. She is really excited about it and I am happy for them. They have kind of re-connected since being best girlfriends in High school. That is really good for R as she has been discouraged about friends in the last few years so it is good to see her coming out of isolation. I will be batching it for a few days and that is OK with me. I could use the time alone to catch up on my thoughts and prayers. It is sad that things have gone sour with my friend. I miss her and her companionship but I have to do what I believe is best for myself and our marriage. I sent her an email Saturday and offered to talk about what is going on between us, her choice. If she wanted to just leave things the way they are now, that is OK too and I told her that. She has not responded and I suspect that she may not so she can continue punishing me. I wanted to give her an opening though and feel I have done my part. She is acting like a teenager, not an adult but I cannot do anything about that and since I wrote the email, I feel like I have let things go finally. So, I really hope that I hear from you today, I miss your posts. Write back, OK. Love, Tryin

August 2, 2005
10:33 am
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Hi (((Tryin))),
I was going to write yesterday but I was having one of those days where I...and don't take this the wrong way please...didn't really want to talk about what was going on with me and I knew if I started writing to you I was going to have to think about it. Had a huge fight with my husband on Saturday and we both said things (like you mentioned you used to do) that resulted in lasting hurt. I'm just so depressed about everything going on in my life. I'm in a slump and every time I think about how my life is I just want to cry right now. But we are taking a family trip next week for vacation so I'm hoping both my husband and I (for the kids sakes) can rise above everything and just have a good time. Now, I have been emailing my friend daily and I cant even bring myself to discuss my latest "blow up" with him. We are discussing meeting the end of August but I'm leery of that. I think it just might put me over the edge as far as my marriage and for some strange reason I'm not sure I'm ready to go over that edge. Am I making any sense? It would be really nice to see my friend though. I know he would bring me some peace, even for a short while. Ever just get in one of those moods where nothing seems to be right? Thanks for sharing all your thoughts with me. How's the bachelor doing?? TV dinners?? Macho movies?? Dancing girls??? oops...just kidding about that! Ask R if I can go with her and her friend to that island. Wow does that sound like fun!! You did the right thing in sending that email to your friend. Dual purpose of letting her know that you are willing to talk and also sort of a final let go for you in knowing you gave it one last try. I'm sorry Tryin, I know how much you valued that friendship. It's her loss totally. Hey, I'm glad I came in here to talk to you. I should know by now how much better I feel when I do. More later my great friend. Love, Restless

August 2, 2005
2:03 pm
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Hi ((((Restless)))), an extra hug for you today that’s for sure!! Thanks for writing, I thought something might be “up”, not that I am in tune with you or anything like that, just sensed that something was going on cause you weren’t writing. I am sorry about the fight and about the words said in anger, they always seem to hurt so much and have so little purpose. I think that anyone who has been married for a while has experienced it though and yes, it does suck!! To top that off with trouble with your friend really makes it rough for you. Try to make sure you really think it thru before you meet with him, sounds like you don’t need any more turmoil right now and if you are going to him for comfort and don’t get it, that will make matters even worse. I am not trying to be negative here, I just want to make sure you take care of yourself. I am quickly learning that I am totally out of control of what others think and do, I am only in control of what I think and do. Another little gem that I learned this week is that “I don’t know what is best for others in my life.” I always thought I did but that was just foolish pride and ego and enough pain in my life lately has shown me that I need to only try and trust my God in letting me know what is best for me. That may sound selfish but in the long run I don’t think it really is. I can be much more for others if I am in good shape myself. Well, enough preaching. Sounds like you need some compassion. How about this…If no one has told you they love you today, I love you Restless. Know that OK. You are loved, By your God and at least by Me and of course your kids and maybe your parents and who knows who else. Think about the things you do have going in your life. A lot of times when I am really down, I sit down and write a gratitude list, a list of things I am grateful for. I can always find something, even if it is as basic as I am alive and have food and a roof over my head. Things like that. When I am done and read my list, I can usually say that I feel better. Why don’t you give it a try. I hope your trip next week is good, I’ll miss you but hope you really have a fun time. I am doing well so don’t worry about me. I did hear back from my friend and big surprise, she doesn’t feel the need to talk about us at all and she spent the rest of her email telling me how wonderful she is and what a wonderful life she has now. (without me in it I suppose). The note was sickening sweet, I am not going to respond, this is the end. I can really say that I do not care what she thinks of me and that is freeing. I think our relationship was not a healthy one to end like this but I am glad it is over for mine and R’s sake. So take care of yourself Restless and things will turn around, I guarantee it. Love you, Tryin

August 4, 2005
10:52 am
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(((Tryin))),
Thanks for the extra hug. You're going to give up on me if I keep having these lapses. I read your message yesterday and I was very moved. Thank you soooo much for your friendship.I have prayed and I made my list! It worked wonders. Wow, I wonder just what is going on with your friend. What made her life so wonderful all the sudden?? And don't you dare even think it's because you aren't in it anymore. I know better. It sounds like she was putting on a "show" for you so you'd be jealous. Games. Why do people play them? I have never been a game player (probably because I'd just lose) and don't understand them. I'm pretty open about everything. But I suppose if I'm totally honest I'm doing a bit of game playing in my marriage. I never used to. I was always open about my desires and feelings but I was always shut down and have given up in recent years. Sometimes now I do get the feeling my husband is trying harder, but my lack of enthusiasm is because of all the stuff that has accumulated over the years. We are totally different people. Sigh. Don't be angry with me but I've agreed to meet my friend at the end of this month. We are still trying to work out schedules. We are meeting as just friends. Pray for me that it goes smoothly and we don't get carried away. Neither one of us needs that additional stress in our lives, we agree to that. And as wonderful as it would be at the moment to get carried away I know that in the long run, we just can't have that type of relationship right now. It will be good to see him again though. He makes me smile (like you do) and I need that from him. I'm going to have a positive attitude next week with my family too. Positive attitude is everything, right? It's going to be a good vacation. Who knows, maybe my husband and I can even reconnect somewhat. Wow...I AM thinking positive! 🙂 How's your week going? Is R back? I will try and write again either today or tomorrow. Love, Restless

August 4, 2005
2:21 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), really good to hear from you and I don’t think I would ever give up on you. Sometimes we just don’t feel like responding, that is OK. I am glad my note helped and thanks for the insight on my friend. It is funny, today I just paid my therapist big$ this morning to tell me the same thing. He says it was all a big seduction and has been warning me about her for weeks now. Maybe he is right but that isn’t really important anymore. I can honestly say I have finally pulled out of the tailspin about that one. I just won’t let myself be manipulated anymore and I feel good about that. I am not a game player either…at least I don’t think I am but I am finding out new things about myself every day lately so I am trying to stay open for self improvement. I am certainly not angry about you meeting your friend, I just wanted to make sure you thought it thru and are ready. I hope it goes well, I know you like him a lot and I hope he treats you right. It is a wonderful thing to have someone to really connect with, especially if it is genuine. I am very attracted by that kind of connection, way more than even sex. I mean making love is a wonderful thing but for me it doesn’t compare with the intimacy of really connecting with someone I love. That is the ultimate for me. So anyway, I do wish you well on your trip and hope things go well with your husband and also with your friend but mostly I just hope you have a wonderful time for yourself Restless. Take care and write back if you feel like it, maybe once more before you go on vacation? Love, Tryin

August 5, 2005
12:40 pm
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Hi (((Tryin))), Thanks for not giving up on me! I'm happy for you that you were able to pull out of your tailspin (I like that analogy!) so quickly. I sometimes have a hard time bouncing back from trauma but once I do I don't ever rehash so I guess that's a good thing. I would like to talk more about meeting my friend as it come closer (hopefully scheduling will allow the meeting). I agree, connecting with a soul mate is an amazing experience. Someone that knows you so well and accepts you completely. Unconditionally. It's a rare find, I know that and that is why I appreciate it so much. And I appreciate you for the same thing. I know a lot of people on here are trying to help but a lot of people are quick to judge also. You are a great friend for not judging me and an amazing listener. Ok, well off on the family vacation. Wish me luck and wish me a bit of peace. It'll be fine and I'm actually looking forward to it. Behave next week :0 and I will talk to you when I get back. Take care. Lots of Love, Restless

August 10, 2005
2:23 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), I know you won’t be reading this until next week but I thought I would write anyway, it is therapeutic for me. I took Monday and Tuesday off this week and today is my first day back. It is pretty hectic today but that is par for the course lately. I really hope you are having a good vacation and thanks for your note last week…it really means a lot to me that you think of me that way. I appreciate your input very much and feel the same way about you. It is so good to tell you something personal and have you come back with a very non-judgmental and sensitive response. That is so rare and we are lucky to have each other. Many people have told me that they don’t like this kind of communication because “it just lacks something” but I just don’t see it that way. It seems very intimate to me and sometimes even has advantages over face to face communication because there are less distractions. I think it really has it’s place and we are making good use of it. What do you think about that? Let me know OK. I am doing well today and things are pretty status quo, not great but not bad either. That is OK with me right now. R and I are doing well and had a good few days together. We are talking about a lot of things that affect our relationship and that is good. Painful sometimes but good. We are both growing and sometimes that just isn’t comfortable but it is the best thing that can happen in our case. Anyway, just wanted to tell you those things and to let you know I was thinking of you while you were on vacation. Take care. Love, Tryin

August 15, 2005
7:56 am
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Hi (((Restless))), welcome back!! How was the vacation? Give me a shout when you get a chance. Love, Tryin

August 15, 2005
1:13 pm
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(((Tryin))),
Hi! Hope you had a great week. Vacation was ok. Really enjoyed the time with the kids. We hung out at the beach and played some tennis. It was a nice break. Husband and I had our bad moments but I did my best to quickly get over them and move on. I'm learning that it's the best way to deal with it. If I mope around after our "tiffs" I just get depressed and there is no point in ruining my mood constantly because of his moods. Besides, I know it upsets the kids so I'm trying harder. I must say it was a huge challenge though because it's been a while since we've spent that much time together. I was actually kind of glad to go to work today. ha! 🙂 I have same feelings as you do about our form of communication! It is very intimate and easy. I say easy because I know I can totally open up without all the "wordly" stuff getting in the way and that is very refreshing. So...how was your weekend? What have you done for fun lately?? Tell me all I've missed please! 🙂
Love, Restless

August 16, 2005
11:47 am
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Hi (((Restless))), I am off to a meeting and have been tied up all morning(not actually tied up!) so I will send you a good note after lunch. Your note made all the difference for me this morning. Thank you...more later, Love, Tryin

August 16, 2005
11:56 am
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Hi ((( Tryin))),
Was thinking about your message before I fell asleep last night and want to say that you can write to me anytime. You can send me a million messages in a row and I would never mind. I love hearing from you. OK? Well, I just talked to my friend and it's official. I'm meeting him next Thur and Friday. Yikes! 2 days. Now I'm nervous and I know that's just silly because we are such good friends. It's been 9 months since I've seen him though and I have this feeling that things will be different this time. By different I mean more intense? I don't know if intense is the right word for it but do you know what I'm trying to say? We've just become so close that it is going to be different yet really good. Sigh. I know I'm not making much sense here and I'm going to try and not over-analyze or stress out about the what-ifs and just enjoy seeing him. Just the thought of that makes me feel like a kid on Christmas morning! I need this...for me. Now I sound selfish but oh well. You will be the first one to find out how it went. Do me a favor? Say a little prayer for me to give me strength to control myself and not have more become of this than just two friends meeting and enjoying each others company. I'm going to need all the help I can get because I know I'll want more the second I see him. Let me know what you think...please. Hope you are having a great week. Love, Restless

August 16, 2005
11:57 am
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(((Tryin))),
Our messages crossed. Tied up??? Now there's an image of you to get me through my day!!! teehee Don't work too hard! Love ya, Restless

August 16, 2005
1:57 pm
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(((Tryin))), Me again. My friend is going out of town for a few days and although we will be able to communicate early next week before I leave (I am going to his town)we were talking about our meeting. I am amazed at his thought process in all this. He is totally impressing me. I thought he'd just want to come to my hotel room and you know...hide out but he says he wants to do this right and he's picking me up and taking me somewhere...a surprise. Like a DATE! And wants to show me some of the sights. I've been to his town a lot so I know it pretty well but I am just so looking forward to spending this casual time with him and getting to know him even better than I already do. I'm positively giddy here. I feel like a school girl. I know....be careful. I am going to be careful but I was starting to second guess the trip thinking he would just want to be in hotel room alone with me but now I am soooo looking forward to it. I can relax a bit. I should have known better. He's a true gentleman and very much a romantic at heart. Jumping in the sack would never be his style. Am I babbling? Love, Restless

August 16, 2005
2:10 pm
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Hi (((Restless))), I’m glad your vacation was OK and thanks for the update. I REALLY missed our exchanges last week. The week was exceptionally lonely for me but it was pretty much all in my mind if you know what I mean. I miss my friend and the closeness we had and I feel a little guilty about that because R and I are doing so well. It is different with R though, she has a hard time with intimacy even with me after all our years together. I can only hope that will improve and it has a little but I am kind of an impatient guy I guess. I guess what I am saying is that I just miss what I had with my friend who isn’t giving me the time of day lately and that is just the way it has to be so I get sad about it. This morning I was a little depressed and feeling sorry for myself and there was your note. It came right on time because I didn’t even check yesterday after my first note because I had to leave the office. I really appreciate your upbeat and loving input., you have really become an important part of my life and that sounds so strange because we haven’t even met but we do seem to know each other. Life is good. I am sure you are very excited about meeting your friend and I am excited for you. Restless, I know you have a good head on your shoulders and you will handle yourself well so I am not going to give you any advice on this matter. You will know what is best for you, I am sure of it. I will pray for you and I sincerely hope you two will really enjoy each other’s company and it will be a great experience for you. I will be anxious to hear how it went so make sure you post me a note as soon as you can. I hope you are having a good day today, I am doing pretty well and R and I have had a lot of good days. She has taken a job this week (she retired early a while back) filling in for a dental hygienist she knows who is on vacation. I’m making the meals this week because I get home first. Tonight its dinner at Cheap Charlies Restaurant over in a town nearby. How’s that for getting out of cooking!! Tomorrow night, who knows!!! Maybe we’ll try another one. Actually I don’t mind cooking at all, just not tonight. So write back when you get a chance my dear and I’ll look forward to your note. Take care, Love, Tryin

August 16, 2005
2:17 pm
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Hi Again (((Restless))), gee, I just posted my note and there was another from you. It is so nice to hear you so excited and happy and I'm glad your friend is a gentleman. You really deserve that. I am truely happy for you. I didn't say this before but I won't judge you no mater what OK? Talk to you later,
Love, Tryin

PS Is it this thursday the 19th or next thursday? I pray only on a schedule ya know (just kidding) Maybe I'll need to say a novena (TeeHee)

August 18, 2005
2:53 pm
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Hi (((Tryin)))
Thank you thank you thank you for not judging. I do that to myself though. I know deep down I'm not a bad person yet I can honestly say that if I had asked myself 10 years ago whether or not I was the type of person to secretly befriend a man I would have said no way. Anyway, I've accepted that my life is what it is and I do my best. It is Thursday the 25th but it won't hurt to say a novena every day up to that point! 🙂 I'm making myself not think about it. I'm very excited about seeing him but nervous too! Even though I've seen him before a few times it's just the idea that I want it to be perfect. I'm going to be an absolute wreck by next Wednesday! Do you ever see your friend anymore? At meetings? That is just still soooo weird how she just turned away. I wonder if it was a misunderstanding. I know you miss that relationship but I think it's wonderful how you have accepted that it is out of your control and have moved on. How is the meal planning going?? What are we having tonight? Any plans for the weekend?

August 19, 2005
7:31 am
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Hi (((Restless))) It is 6:00AM and I’m at work again but I am very happy its Friday. I have always put in long days here but it is getting pretty tiresome, especially since my current project has the worst of two worlds… It is boring and has a lot of time pressure. A very bad combination for me. Anyway, enough about work. I have already begun the prayer vigil so don’t you worry a bit. I do worry about you a little though because I don’t want you to get hurt but I have a good feeling about this meeting and I am sure it will go well so I will try real hard to put my worry aside. Just know I am here for you. I am feeling kind of alone lately, it seems like today, you are my one and only and I am grateful that we have made this special connection. Things at home are good and we both are really trying to be there for each other but there is still something missing. I guess I was trying to get that something from my friend and now she is gone. My therapist says that I have this hole in me left over from my emotionally vacant childhood that I am constantly trying to fill. He told me yesterday that I can never fill that space because I needed to get that from my Mom and didn’t. He said I need to “board up” that hole and dig a new one that I can fill. I liked the visualization and from here on out, He and I will be working on that new excavation. I am pretty excited about that but that doesn’t really help me now. I do see my friend at meetings but because of work, I can only go to that early meeting on weekends. I saw her last Saturday and it was the same thing, she smiles and says hi to me once and then ignores me for the rest of the time…all the while yucking it up with everyone else. She is definitely in punish mode and is not treating me very nice. Since she told me she didn’t feel the need to talk about our relationship, I have been trying to find closure within myself. It is pretty obvious what she is doing…I have told her on many occasions in the past that when something is unresolved, that is the worse thing for me. Now she is making sure that our relationship is unresolved. I never thought she could do this to me, we were very close or at least I thought so but I must have been seeing her thru “rose colored glasses” I guess we weren’t such good friends after all. My therapist also said that she pretty much just used me to get what she wanted and I can see that now because she never really showed that big of an interest in me. Most of what she knew about me, I volunteered the information. I was a good sounding board and she used that to her advantage because she couldn’t talk to her husband so she spilled her guts to me everyday and I was always there for her. No more though. This may sound terrible but I hope she misses me a LOT even though I’ll never really know that. I guess this is kind of egotistical but she just lost the best friend she may ever have. Anyway, enough about her but I had to get that off my chest. Thanks for being my sounding board today Restless. I am fortunate to have you in my life now and hopefully I will learn to have healthier and healthier relationships starting with R. I am feeling closer to her and I think she is feeling closer to me. She still has a lot of anger and resentment toward me that she needs to deal with and eventually let go. I hope she can do that for both our sakes but for now, we put one foot in front of the other and keep moving ahead. Things will get better. So I just went on and on about me and I’m sorry this note is so self centered. The other day I heard a joke in a meeting…”How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? …..One, he just stands there holding the bulb and the world revolves around him” That is so true but I am getting better all the time. Take care Restless and let me know how you are doing today. Love ya, Tryin

August 19, 2005
2:57 pm
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(((Tryin))),
Sorry, but this is a quick note here today. Wanted to at least tell you to have a great weekend! Nothing much planned for me. I do have a couple of quick comments for you too...imagine that! 🙂 First of all, your relationship with your "friend" is resolved. You'ved moved on so please don't think of it as an unresolved issue. I'm sure she misses you terribly and you are soooo right...HER LOSS! You haven't lossed anything. And another thing, your notes are never self centered. You are always there for me and I'll never be able to tell you enough how much you are appreciated. Have a really wonderful weekend and I'll be back here Monday. Love, Restless

August 22, 2005
10:19 am
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(((Tryin)))
Hi there. How was your weekend? First thing I have to say after reading the last thing I wrote was is there such a word as lossed?? How about lost. Yikes! Spell check. 🙂 My weekend was ok. Nothing new. Weather was absolutely fabulous yesterday. Supposed to continue and be a nice week. My nerves are on edge already about Wed night (I will see my friend briefly)and Thursday. I can not believe how nervous and excited I am. Trying to figure out what we are going to do with our day and he says he's looking forward to it as much as I am. The only thing that's bothering me is the tiny bit of feeling of guilt. I'm trying to squash that down because I've waited soooo long to have just this moment with my friend and if I blow it I know I will regret it. I'm going to do this for myself. I've never been a selfish person and I think I'm having a hard time with that also. I've always put someone else first whether it's the kids (and I know a mom is supposed to do that) or someone else. Not this time though. This moment is for me and I plan on making the most of it. See I'm not the only one who thinks the world revolves around them! 🙂 How's the excavation and renovation project going? I like that analogy too. You've got a great therapist. I'm glad you pass on his advice to me. Tell me how you are doing today my friend. Love, Restless

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