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Friendma.....................................
May 1, 2007
5:28 pm
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Friendma
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These are just my thoughts and feelings and I needed somewhere to lay them down......As I sit here at my computer I am truly alone. Aside from my boyfriend whom I struggle to stay close to for fear of abandonment, I keep him at a distance and he works constantly and every weekend we have children so we have no spare time together and when he comes home at night he is so exhausted I stay at a distance as to not add any stress or pressure upon him. I have a mom and a stepdad and in Feb. my stepdad abandoned me again as he has done countless times since my mom brought him into my life. My biological dad abandoned me around the age of 12. I lost that whole side of the family and my mom's side of the family is not healthy so I'm not close to anyone on either side. My relationship with my mom is strained to say the least and I am at the end of my rope with my stepdad. He has always been emotionally and mentally and sometimes physically abusive and is not only that way to me but also to my mom and my stepbrother, his son and my children and pretty much everyone that he has contact with especially if you upset him. My kids won't even spend time with my folks due to the way they behave. My mom is much like my stepdad and they favor my daughter but even she is uncomftorable with them since my son won't spend time with them without me she is taking the brunt of their misbehavior. My stepdad since Feb. when my folks took my daughter to Colorado on a ski trip and a fight occured between them and my daughter was allowed to call me and so I was in the middle but was only trying to be supportive to my daughter and trying to encourage my mom to settle down and calmly discuss things with my daughter and let me say my mom gave my daughter permission to call me, I didn't call them and try to get in the middle of it, but for whatever reason my stepdad is pissed at me and has refused to talk to me or see me since then. I finally called his voicemail and left a message letting him know that I was willing to sit down like rational adults and discuss things if that is what he wanted to do but if not I was not going to participate in the cat and mouse games and we needed to go our seperate ways if we couldn't resolve the issues. I can't partake in the chaos anymore cause it is not healthy for me. I have put up with his ways since he is the only dad I have had since my biological left me and I fear abandonment and didn't want to lose another dad. My Mom and stepdad have known for a couple years that my son had problems with them and my mom has put the blame on my now 9 year old son and since I have defended him she doesn't come out and say it anymore but everything else she says still tells me that she takes no responsibility and puts it all on my son. My mom defends my stepdad and puts major guilt trips on me and I have put up with that for years and that never made them happy and now that I'm finally standing up for myself and my family I'm really not making them happy. My folks are never wrong and nothing I have ever done has ever made them happy or proud of me. I am a stuffer of my true feelings and today I am full and this had to come out. I don't ever want anyone to think I am unhappy or weak cause my stepdad has always called me a puss. I'm not supposed to cry or feel or whatever. Those who have known my posts since I first came here last year will probably remember that my kids live with their daddy and we share joint custody and they visit everyother weekend and lots during the summer. I have taken alot of crap from people who think I abandoned them or abused them and they were taken from me but the truth is when I found out my husband wanted a divorce we had to discuss the kids and I did not want to raise my babies the same way that I had been raised. I never abused my kids but I definately wasn't healthy and was headed down the wrong path so my husband their dad was stable, loving, patient, etc. everything the kids needed that I was lacking. I was an emotional mess and I loved my kids enough to let them go where I knew they would be healthier and happier and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. If you knew my kids you would know that the right choice was made and they are healthy and happy and emotionally stable and I am a better mom now after all I faced losing my family and having to make it alone without support from anyone other than my cat and the good Lord above. I'm not asking for anyone to have pity on me just explaining. I love my kids more than anyone will ever know and still to this day 6 years later it still hurts and not a day goes by that I don't feel the loss but again if you could see my kids and then see me you would know that I made the right choice. Anyway, I am alone and I just don't know how to be ok with that fact. I just lost my counselor that I had just started to open up to and she was the 4th counselor in 3 years. They always leave for some reason and it just supports all my abandonment issues. If I couldn't unload this here today I would probably start cutting again which I haven't done in several months and I hope not to do again ever. The loneliness consumes me and I just want to be ok and be healthy and lead a productive life and be ok with being me. At 32 I feel that I have lived multiple lifetimes. I'm just so very tired....................

May 1, 2007
5:32 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((GG)))))))))) I just read your post to me on the safe thread and I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. I hope all is well with you and yours and I'm sendin ya lots of love and hugs!

May 1, 2007
5:52 pm
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ggfred4
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(((fm))) I have been waiting for this post from you for a long time and would give anything to give you a giant hug now. (you ought to know that I am really not a hugger, but will hug people I trust and who are special to me!) I am so proud of you for sharing here today and my heart goes out to you. You will receive no judgement on this site as everyone here has their own pain, issues, etc. What you will receive here is support and love and I hope you will come during this difficult time in your life.

Abandonment is one of my biggest issues fm, so I understand. I am so sorry about your therapist. I know you feel tired, but what I feel from you is a young woman full of love and compassion.

I too want to quit that bad habit and have not done it in a couple of months. I know it is hard during the lowest of times, but we must learn alternate ways to release our pain fm...I have just gotten back into journaling and that is helping me. It is amazing what comes out of my head.

Love you fm....

May 1, 2007
6:35 pm
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Friendma
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(((((GG))))) Oh, GG, you have no idea how much it means to me that you posted. I got on the computer and truly needed to hear back from someone and it makes a world of difference that you understand. It is so hard to not be understood. Your friendship means more to me than I could ever express to ya. You are a very special lady and I appreciate you so very much! I used to journal alot and I have lost that and I miss it but have no idea how to get it back. I guess I am just too good at stuffing. I have felt numb for so long, most of that is med. problems but also just that at times I can only take so much hurt and chaos and drama and then I guess I just shut down and I don't even realize it at the time until some time later. It is so hard to reach out to others, abandonment is such a big issue with me and also trust. I trust you and that scares me so, but I am trying to not run and hide. Thank you for not giving up on me and for being there with encouragement after I have come out of hiding. (((GG)))

May 1, 2007
8:50 pm
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Friendma
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I can understand some trauma in ones life but constant multiple trauma in a lifetime, I just can't wrap my mind around it. I try not to have my life revolve around my past trauma but it's so very hard to fix the things that are so deep within me and wrapped around who I am that I don't even know where I begin and end. I don't know who I am outside of what has happened to me. I have tried for years to let go and go on but I can't seem to get unstuck. I struggle with thinkin somethin must be wrong with me or I'm bad or somethin since all this bad continues to happen in my life and what makes it really hard is having family treat you badly, cause like your mom and dad are supposed to love you and not cause harm to you and then when they do and continue to it's hard not to believe that I'm a bad girl and all I have wanted since I was a little girl was to be a good girl and I can't help but to believe that somehow I must be really bad to have all this crap happen. I see now that since a very early age I have taken responsibility for all the wrongs in my family and my world and still to this day I internalize it and make it my own fault. I want to believe that I'm not responsible for everything and everyone but I can't seem to master that. It's hard to feel responsible for so much but it is just what I do, I don't mean to it just happens. I hope this makes sense. I have no self esteem and I don't feel worthy of love or good things. I want to be ok being me and I just can't figure out how to do that. I am just so very tired.......

May 1, 2007
8:52 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((friendma)))

Here listening to you sweets. Hearing all that you are saying. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am holding you tight.

Let it all out honey.

Mich

May 1, 2007
9:19 pm
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(((((MITCH))))) It means so much to me that you posted. Thanks for listening, I'm sendin ya lots of love and hugs!

May 3, 2007
3:07 pm
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needtoheal
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(((FRIENDMA)))

Sending lots of hugs to you!! You are certainly NOT alone!

Love,
NEED

May 3, 2007
9:18 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((NEED)))))))))) So very wonderful to hear from ya! I hope that you and yours are doin well! I've sure missed ya! Thanks for the hugs I really needed them. I'm sendin ya lots of love and hugs!

May 4, 2007
11:08 pm
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((((((((((GG)))))))))))

May 4, 2007
11:26 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((friendma)))

Holding you close....and thinking of you. Hoping you are doing ok this weekend.

May 5, 2007
10:30 am
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ggfred4
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((((((fm)))))))) Thanks for the big hug, I needed it. Please know you are NOT alone. Do something for yourself this weekend, window shop, take a nice walk, read a book, etc.

Love, gg

May 6, 2007
3:50 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((GG))))))))))

May 6, 2007
11:10 pm
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ggfred4
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((((((((fm)))))))))), gee,it is Sun. nite...these weekends go too fast.
How are you doing? I was just thinking that I don't know that much about you except you are SO CARING and LOVING...I know about your kids and if I remember right, you live in Missouri? What are your hobbies?

May 7, 2007
12:47 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Friendma....

Thinking of you and hoping that you had a good weekend. How are things on your end? How are things looking to you right now? How are you feeling?

Mich

(((friendma)))

May 7, 2007
10:31 am
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cyndra820
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Hi Friendma,

How are you? I've been lurking and reading more than I've been posting. I've just been taking it easy and doing some soul-searching. But please know you are never far from my thoughts and always in my prayers. You are a wonderful woman.

Love,
Cyn

May 9, 2007
2:24 pm
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Friendma
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(((((GG))))) (((((MICH))))) (((((CYN)))))

May 9, 2007
2:40 pm
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ggfred4
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(((fm))), thanks for reading my letter...That was hard to post, but now I am glad I did. It made me not feel so alone inside.

How are YOU???

Love you gf...

gg

May 14, 2007
6:23 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((GG))))))))))

May 14, 2007
6:24 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((Friendma))))

Love you girl.

May 14, 2007
7:10 pm
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Friendma
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Again, I find my self so very alone. I have gotten pretty good at being alone and most days I prefer to be alone but on the days that I find myself really struggling, I truly wish I wasn't alone. I had a wonderful Mothers day weekend with my kids but Sun. night came and I had to take them back to their Dads and there are just no words to describe what it is like for me as their Mom to take them back home. I miss them so much and our weekends go by so fast. It just hurts so much to say goodbye. I didn't have kids to not be a mom, and having only two weekends a month to be their Mom is just heartbreaking. As I write this I feel the tears starting to flow and it just hurts. I know that I am blessed and that it could always be worse, some parents have only a grave to visit and I could not imagine what that would be like but I try so hard to be strong and not let my pain get the best of me and today I am failing. I just want to wrap my arms around them and hold them but I can't and won't be able to again for another 2 weeks. To most people two weeks seems like such a short time but for this Mommy it feels like an eternity.........

May 14, 2007
7:29 pm
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Friendma
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If it wasn't for this web site I would have no where to go.....I am still without a therapist and I have no friends or family to turn to and I can't describe how that makes me feel. I have some people that I consider friends but none of which I would take my issues to. They are either too busy or I can't trust them or they wouldn't understand anyway. I'm not even sure why I have decided to open up today cause I don't see what good it will do but I have held so much for so long that I can't keep it in anymore. My description of this weekend is how every weekend I have my kids goes. The weekend is great and then Sun. comes and I have to say goodbye. There is no book, no cure, no closure, no nothing that mends this Momma's broken heart. How do you deal with it all? I try not to think about it, I try not to talk about it, I try not to feel it, but in just a matter of time it gets the best of me again and again and I guess if it truly ever went away then I would have to die out as a Mom and that isn't what I want. I'm just so tired of hurting as I have hurt for 32 years. I know that everyone goes thru stuff and my life could always be worse and I should be thankful not complaining but it just hurts so damn bad and I don't know how to deal with it. It's all my fault anyway. If only I could of been what I needed to be then having the kids live with their Dad would never of been a question. I get so mad at how I was raised and all the emotional problems that it caused me and I did the best I could and tryed so hard, I was a failure as a wife and ran my husband off and then I had to do what was best for my kids cause I loved them and wanted what was best for them over what my selfish self wanted and now each day I live with the emptyness and ....................................................................................................................................................................................................................

May 14, 2007
7:39 pm
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Friendma
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I am swimming in my pity pool arn't I? Sorry bout that. I am just angry and hurting and I just needed to vent. I'm just gonna tell the truth, I wish that I had never been born and I can't change that fact but I will never understand why I was allowed to be. Please don't misunderstand, I don't regret my children but if I had never of been born than they would not of had a failure as a mom and I would not be a failure to my folks and I just have no freakin purpose and all I do is cause issues for others and here I am swimming in my pity again, sorry, I am just so sorry. This is not a suicide situation cause trust me if that was possible for me I would of been gone a long time ago. Do I wish I was dead, sure each and every day but its not an option and I'm not trying to get anyones sympathy or attention, I am just hurting and being honest.

May 14, 2007
7:57 pm
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ggfred4
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((((((((((((((((fm)))))))))))))))),

I can hardly type as tears are welling in my eyes after reading about the pain within you. I really wish I could hug you now. I do NOT want you to feel alone. I know all about not trusting people and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to trust.

I know you are a loving and compassionate person; it is obvious and I know your children know that to.

I am going to come back when I get my thoughts together, but know this...You are NOT alone and many people here care about YOU. You are a wonderful woman!!!

Love you fm,
gg

May 14, 2007
8:34 pm
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Friendma
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((((((GG))))))

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