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Friendma needs to express feelings.......
July 22, 2009
5:42 pm
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Friendma
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Ya know I haven't been around much for quite a while........
Many things have changed or are changing for me and my life.......
My daughter came to live with me in Mid May......and a few weeks ago she made her final decision that she wants to stay for good..........Her dad and I have talked and we are all in agreement......
I have been struggling physically for about 2 years now with the last year bein the hardest.........
We are moving into a bigger place next week.......
I am more healthy now than I have ever been before........

Ok, so......I am so very thankful for this opportunity with my daughter........I have no words to truly describe how I feel.......I am thankful for a second chance.....I am thankful that I am in a place now emotionally that I feel confident to be the mom that she needs me to be.......

July 22, 2009
5:51 pm
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Friendma
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After I read what I just posted it shocks me to now write this.........

I am at the lowest point that I have been in quite a while........
The nightmare that I am living due to my medical problems that have still yet to be resolved are tearing me down........

I had a very scary revelation just a few moments ago.........
I have lost myself.........I hope I can help that statement make sense....

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired........the me that I thought I was and still think I am.....is not who I am...........The things I want to do....I can't......The pain and nausea and swelling that I continue to struggle with take it all out of me........

These should be some of the most joyous days of my life especially as a mom..........I am thankful.......I have joy but as soon as I have it or feel it..........along comes one of my many symptoms and then it is all I can do just to survive that moment or the hour or day........

My body is not my own............I am at the mercy of my symptoms and my ability or lack there of to cope.....

I can't tell you the last time there was intimacy with my boyfriend of over 5 years.........the physical symptoms overload any desire to try to go there with him and when I do feel my symptoms are manageable.......the last thing I feel I can handle is to try to cope with the emotional symptoms that happen to me during intimacy......and I don't just mean in the bedroom.....I mean hugs......kisses........a touch.......

July 22, 2009
5:56 pm
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Friendma
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I just don't know that I can voice anymore at this time.........

I am overwhelmed..........I am tired of the pain and the sickness.......I am still trying to get over how the medical community has treated me over all of this.........even after a psych. evaluation that should have laid to rest any doubts.............

I have an appointment with an internist in mid Sept..........by the time I finally get to see her.....it will of been about 7 months since my surgery in Florida...........

I am running out of patience........running out of hope.....running out of endurance.....

July 22, 2009
6:01 pm
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Friendma
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I had a post surgical check a week after surgery before I left Florida......

and that is it.........I have been seen twice at the ER.......they don't want to do a cat scan due to radiation I have been exposed to during the past 2 years..........high risk of cancer for me.........with what I have been exposed to already.....so nothin on the x-ray....

Only a complete bowel obstruction will show on the x-ray.........

I wonder almost daily if it is all in my head..........maybe I am just crazy........

and that thought just breaks my heart.........just because me and my symptoms don't fit in the usual boxes doesn't mean they are not real.......

RIGHT?! right?! .................ugh..

July 22, 2009
6:05 pm
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Friendma
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I know things could always be worse and I try really hard to hold on to that and stay thankful and positive...........it really could be worse.........there are people suffering worse things than me.........I should be thankful.....I shouldn't complain...........round and round I go and where it stops no one knows.........

July 22, 2009
8:44 pm
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Friendma
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I just cooked dinner and ate.....immediately my stomach swelled up and I feel extremely sick to my stomach.......I ate a hamburger and some mac-n-cheese......somedays just a cup of coffee or glass of water does it.........

Food is my enemy or is my system the enemy??

Eating and drinking is so discouraging......

Oh well, it could always be worse.....right??? right.......

July 22, 2009
8:56 pm
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red blonde
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((((((((((Friendma)))))))))))

I am sending you lots and lots of positive beneficial energy!

Don't be discouraged!!!

Love and Peace!

Red!

July 22, 2009
10:18 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((RED))))))))))

Thanks so much, I truly appreciate it!!

July 23, 2009
2:13 am
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Hepburn
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Oh Friendma, I'm so sorry to hear about all the physical crap you are dealing with! And now having your daughter home and all. I think she came at the right time. I also think that she wants to support you too!

Sounds like you need a doctor who CARES and can delve further into this situation.

Hang in there!

(((Friendma)))

July 23, 2009
2:18 am
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soofoo
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Friendma, God bless you. You don't seem unthankful. It must be very frustrating to have an unusual illness, one that doctors can't get a handle on. You are having trouble with food and we all need to eat.

I will pray for you, friendma.

I have found the practice of yoga and pranayama to help me when doctors can't.

July 23, 2009
9:40 am
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Friendma
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((((((((((HEPBURN))))))))))

((((((((((SOOFOO))))))))))

Thanks so much ya'll!! Your encouragement and support means alot to me!!

July 23, 2009
9:19 pm
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needtoheal
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(((( FRIENDMA )))))

I love you girl...

I am sorry to hear how much you are struggling with... I know that it sure is difficult.. yet I know how thankful you are and how blessed you feel....

Even though our stories are the same, I also feel so blessed and grateful... yet I am struggling in grief... that I am getting tired of being so sad... and yet, for me, I know that I have to feel the feelings and deal with the loss...

I had left the place I worked because it was way too much for me emotionally to handle now that my friend is gone...

Someone I had worked with there, who had come in and out of my life -- in between being off and on with PS --- asked me to give him my number...

We kept in touch and he did help me to adust to working in a new store after my transfer... I began to laugh again and make jokes.. and I could see some hope in getting myself back to who I was before my friend suddenly passed away... I knew that my struggle with grief was not over...

Well, this guy had been asking me if I would go on a dating site. I told him my convictions on why I would never go on a dating site and I was upfront and honest about how I am not ready to meet someone.. For me, I had gone from one thing to another -- always covering up my losses and that was because I was searching..

So I told him I changed my thinking.. I am no longer in need to search....

Well, all of a sudden he distanced himself... and which also meant that I now have yet another loss....

I'm just tired... Just tired of a lot of things that have been piling up....

Yet, after these losses, I also feel so grateful...

Thanks for listening...

I just want you to know that I am always thinking of you... always....

(((Friendma))))

hugs,
NEED

July 24, 2009
12:11 am
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Friendma
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((((((((((NEED))))))))))

Love ya too!! Thanks!

July 27, 2009
5:41 pm
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CAMER
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(((hi Friendma))) glad to see you posting & wishing your health was better...sending positive vibes!!

((((camer))))

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