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Friendma needs a safe place..............
October 25, 2007
10:57 am
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Friendma,

Thank you for sharing so courageously. You are healing. It will be a happy day when you can connect with your inner child and give her the love and acceptance she's been waiting for.

best of good wishes and vibes to you,
kroika

October 25, 2007
12:07 pm
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(((((KROIKA)))))

Just wanted to thank ya'll again for all of the support. I pick my kids up at noon today they have a half day and are out of school tomorrow so I won't be around for a few days. I am gonna take a break from Jen and give lots and lots of love and hugs to my kiddos.

Ya'll have a wonderful weekend and again thank ya so much for all of the support! LOve and hugs to all ya'll!!!

((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))

October 25, 2007
1:50 pm
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Friendma

I hope you have a great time with your kids with lots of love and fun and communication.

I think it is vey wise of you to recognise when to take a break from little Jen. Trust our wisdom. Have a great weekend. (Talk nice to yourself, ok? You deserve it, Perky)

(((Friendma)))

October 25, 2007
1:53 pm
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I meant to say trust YOUR wisdom!

October 26, 2007
12:24 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thinking of you and holding you close in thought tonight. Hope you are having a good time with your kids.

((((Friendma))))

October 29, 2007
1:30 am
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I am back after a much needed break with my kiddos. It was a beautiful weekend, with lots and lots of love and hugs and basketball practices and games and breakfasts and lunches and dinners and bed time hugs and love and giggles and morning hugs and love. Lots of games and walks and talks and love and hugs.

I struggled Sun. not to focus on the fact that I was gonna have to take them back to their Dads and say good bye again until next time......I thought I could stuff it and I did try but I have to spill it or its just gonna tear me apart. I am physically sick to my stomach and can't sleep and I miss them so very much. I know my goodbye is not forever and I will see them again, but the goodnight hugs and love were gone, the giggles the smiles the I love you Momma, its just a memory. I'm trying to stay positive but I have lost my ability...

I ache tonight for my kids and there is absolutely nothing I can do but wait till I see them again. My arms feel so empty, my heart aches, loneliness consumes me, the mommy in me is crying out and there is no comfort, just emptiness, just silence, no more hugs, no more smiles..........I didn't become a mom to not be a mom and I know things could always be worse, some parents have to visit the grave site of their kids and I am blessed that my kids are alive and well and I will see them again but I cannot find comfort in that at this time. I miss them terribly and all I can do is wait and try not to think about it....

My heart cries out, "Where are my babies" but no one answers, I run from room to room in the house and in my mind desperately trying to find them but there is no end. I have only my memories of what once was and to hold those memories tight just about consumes me with sadness missing what once was but letting them go to find relief from the loss is letting them go farther and farther away when all I want to do is hold them close and never let them go. I love you, K and C. Mommy loves ya'll so very much.

Sadly enough, sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until its gone. Had I of known that one day I would be going thru a divorce and having to choose who the kids would be better off with to then living alone and only being a part time Mom, I truly believe I wouldn't of taken the time with them for granted. I thought I had all the time in the world but I didn't and I can never get that back. I treasure my time now, cause I know all to well that our visits end just as they seem to begin. I have always loved my kids but I let life keep me from slowing down and calming down and just appreciating the small things, I try to take pictures of things in my mind so that I have the memory vividly in my mind. I don't ever want my kids to be sick but when they are on my weekends a smile comes over my soul cause that means I get to take care of them in a way that usually I miss out on. I never thought I would get so excited when my kids got sick, not that they are sick but that I get the chance to do something that I usually am not around to be there for. My son has had poison ivy the past two visits and I went to get him the medicine to put on it and enjoyed every moment of mother, son time as I applied the ointment to his skin. I hated it for him to have to deal with the itching and all but as his mom, I was thrilled to be able to take part in some mommy times that are usually not mine to take part in. I am usually here and he is usually there and most of what he experiences in his life happens when he is there and not here. I don't know if this is making sense or not.....

Be careful of the time you have cause you never know when it will be gone and I am just so thankful that my kids are only a short drive away at their dads instead of at a grave site.

Mommy loves you, K and C, Mommy loves you...................................................................................................................................................................................................xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

October 29, 2007
1:51 am
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((friendma))

here's an idea.

make a journal for each one of them. K's journal. C's journal.

When you take them back to their dad's, write to them in this journal. How much you miss them, what you did, what it meant to you, just like you did here.

It's a present, for their 18th birthday. Can you imagine how cool it would be to get something like this as a kid turning 18? It would be awesome.

You could write every night. What you're thinking. What you're wondering.

I dunno. It just seems it would be such a neat thing for them later, to know and read about how much their momma loved them and how cherished each moment with them, was to her.

and for you, you would know, someday, you will have the most awesome gift for them.

Just an idea. I got it kuz my daughter is nosy and when she was going to her myspace, read this thread, which I had open when she dove onto the computer. she asked me "mom is that how it was like when WE went to dad's?" And I said, "yeah, it was." Especially during the three weeks in the summer. So we kind of came up with this idea together. She thinks it would be really cool but that you should give it to them on their 16th birthday. She's in high school.

free

October 29, 2007
2:12 am
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(((Miss Perky)))

You write so well. I wish I could introduce you to my friend/ next door neighbor so you could share your grief and heal together, if that's possible. She goes through this every other weekend when her son comes to visit her. When he was 12, after she remarried, he told her he wanted to go live with his dad and she agreed. The new husband and her son had been having some real bad arguments. All in all, it was a good decision for her son to go live with his dad, but the decision she made is as painful for her as the one you made.

She gets ill every Sunday night after dropping him off at the halfway point between her house and his daddy's. She won't talk about it though. She gets these monster migraines, and her blood sugar swings wildly and makes her sick, She cries in private, calls in sick at work on the Mondays when she can get away with it, and just soldiers on.

You know, I don't have children, so I don't know this pain, but I hear what you are expressing in your post.

I'll send you a couple more hugs, ok?

(((FM)))

(((FM)))

October 29, 2007
11:45 am
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((((((((((FREE))))))))))

Thank you so much for all of your posts! I appreciate all of your support and insight and I truly love your and your daughters idea about the journal. The next time I'm at the store I'm gonna pick me up two journal books and get started. Thank you again and I hope that you have a beautiful day!

October 29, 2007
11:54 am
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((((((((((BEV))))))))))

Thank you so much for all of the hugs and support, it is so very appreciated. I do wish that your friend and I could be in contact, I think we could really help each other. I wish there was a group for women who only have there children part time. The hardest part for me sometimes is feeling as tho I'm the only momma who has made the choice I made and after readin your post I see that I'm not the only one. I have been judged very harshly because most of the time when a mom doesn't have their kids it's stereotypically cause they were removed due to abuse or neglect or etc. and that just wasn't the case for me but most people especially women do not take the time to get to know me before they make a judgement call, they just imagine the worst. I have actually had women that my daughter has tried to introduce me to just walk away and my daughter just looks at me and says what just happened mom, why did she walk away and I just hug her and tell her it's ok. We have talked about it recently and she is starting to understand better how people can judge and think things without knowing a persons circumstances. She struggles cause she tells me mom most kids have their moms at home with them and if the kids parents have divorced the dad is the part time parent and she feels so alone sometimes and wishes some of her friends and class mates understood or tried to understand. I have created this for her and it just breaks my heart. I can only support her and love her and talk with her when we get the chance. I sure hope it's enough so that she has a fighting chance at an emotionally stable life. Any-who, enough about me, how are you and your animals? How is your job going? I love ya Bev, thanks for being you!! (((((BEV)))))

October 29, 2007
8:14 pm
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(((Friendma))) thinking of you.

October 29, 2007
8:16 pm
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(((((ISIS)))))

October 29, 2007
10:29 pm
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(((((Survivor)))))

(((((FREE)))))

(((((SHANEY)))))

(((((GG)))))

(((((BRYNNIE)))))

(((((MICH)))))

(((((BEV)))))

(((((ISIS)))))

(((((KROIKA)))))

Thanks to all ya'll for all the support. I'm sendin lots of love and safe hugs to all ya'll!!

October 29, 2007
10:32 pm
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((((((((((RED BLONDE)))))))))) Sorry, I didn't mean to not put your name down. I appreciate all your support! I'm sendin ya lots of safe love and hugs!

October 29, 2007
10:38 pm
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((((fm)))) I hope you know that you have a special place in my heart. How are you feeling?

gg

October 29, 2007
11:29 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((friendma and little Jen)))

Both of you are in my heart this evening. Just know that I love you and I care about you, and I am here thinking about you....

Holding you close to my heart as always.

Love you....Mich

October 30, 2007
11:08 am
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((((((((((GG))))))))))

((((((((((MICH))))))))))

I am pretty numb right now. Having to take the kids home and goin thru all that has just shut me down. I hope to get back to jen soon. I appreciate ya'lls support and hugs and love. Ya'll are so very special to me!!

October 30, 2007
1:09 pm
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Hey fm, just an idea here. On the days w/o the kiddoes, how about working on Jen...journaling, talking,healing, etc. That will help you focus on yourself and your healing and may take your mind off of missing the kids so much. (Just an idea, okay?)

Love ya!

October 30, 2007
5:17 pm
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Hey Perky!

I just wanted to holla at you and give you a hug. To suggest that you don't stress about or apologise for not "dealing" with Jen immediately. Sometimes dealing with these painful memories takes time and coaxing.

I journal - sometimes I just bite the bullet and write out the memories that are surfacing. I allow that, then I put it away until later, when I think I am ready to deal with it. In the meantime, I did other forms of self-exploration to help me. It's great that you have resources outside of AAC. The therapist is a great start. I, too wish there was a support group for Mommies in your situation.

When my friend comes home from feeling bad, I'm not home- I work Sunday nights. She calls me on the way home to talk to her, make her laugh, and keep her mind off leaving him. It helps her a little.

You come here when you need to. You have such a great resource here at AAC - lots and lots of support fron so many caring people.

(((FM)))

October 31, 2007
12:08 pm
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((((((((((GG)))))))))) That's a great idea! I will try anything I can to get my mind of missing my babies. You have a special place in my heart too! How are you doin? I sure have missed you bein around. How are things at school? Has anyone told ya that you are special today? Well, GG, you are so very special to me!! Love and hugs to ya my friend!

October 31, 2007
12:11 pm
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((((((((((BEV)))))))))) Holla!! I just so enjoy you! I appreciate your support and your hugs for my perkiness! 🙂 I hope all is well with you and yours! Has anyone told ya that you are special today? Well, Bev, you are so very special to me! Love and hugs to ya!!

October 31, 2007
6:17 pm
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Hey Perkster

Thank you. No one has told me how special I am in a while. You are the first, and I really appreciate it. (((FM))).

I hope you are taking good care of yourself. Do you have a Halloween costume? I wanna be an M&M- a Green One. :O

October 31, 2007
11:13 pm
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(((fm))) Thanks for missing me around here. That meant a LOT! Sometimes I feel invisible here. I love and appreciate your kindness and sincerity.

gg

November 1, 2007
9:23 am
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((((((((((BEV))))))))))

((((((((((GG))))))))))

I'm sendin ya'll lots of love and hugs!!

November 1, 2007
11:20 am
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((((HUGS TO ALL OF YOU)))

I am touched by all of you. You are all very lovely and special and sweet!

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