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Friendma needs a safe place..............
October 24, 2007
6:47 pm
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Friendma
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I come to this web site and I don't say much, or I try not to. I give some love and hugs cause I'm much too scared to say much. I have learned how to stuff most things. My counselor tells me it's not healthy and I'm sure somewhere deep down I knew that and we are trying to address it but I'm just a stuffing away and my closet, I thought was pretty full to begin with but I have managed to stuff more in it and it's so full now that stuff(emotions) is starting to try to spill out and if I'm not careful, a big bunch of stuff comes out at one time and then I just fall apart.

I first want to put this disclaimer before I say what I'm fixin to say and to those who know me and have walked with me thru some of what I'm about to describe I believe they will know that I'm not seeking anyones attention and I'm not threatening suicide or anything, I just need to say it so it's not a secret. I am struggling to not cut. There I said it......I go to see my counselor tomorrow and she knows that I have been struggling but as of yet not done it. The urge is getting stronger and a couple of nights ago I was boiling some water and all I could focus on was the red of the hot burner and I told my boyfriend if I could just put my hand on it and then you and I would both see how very much I am hurting on the inside. I feel safer hurting myself than crying over my emotions. "If you don't stop crying than I'll give you something to cry about!!!!!!!!" That just popped into my head, my folks especially my dad would tell me that when I was a kid and then my folks divorced when I was around 12 and my emotionally barren and verbally and physically abusive mom married another prick and he would just call me a puss and tell me to suck it up. Of course I wanted and needed this mans approval cause my biological abandoned me after he did his damage. I used to cry uncontrollably and just freak out all the time but some how over the years I learned to stuff it cause it wasn't safe to express it and that part of me destroyed my marriage and helped me to decide to have my kids live with their Dad so that they would not be brought up as I had. My mom was always angry and screaming and frustrated and beat the crap out of my older brother and then would emotionally abuse me and I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, girly enough, smelled clean enough, brushed my hair enough, brushed my teeth enough, sat up straight enough, NOTHING and I mean nothing was ever good enough and just when I would think maybe I had done enough she would then raise the bar and yet again I had failed her. I always failed, I was never enough, I make people angry, I make people leave, I am bad, I'm a very bad girl and it's exactly how I feel still to this day at 32. Constantly running around looking for approval and looking for someone to let me know that it's ok to be me but I know that is not fair to do so I have stopped most of that so I have no confidence and without people knowing I listen to the tone of their voice to decide if I'm a good girl, a smile means I'm good, a frown means I'm bad and anything in between still means I'm bad and if I get the smile my good girl goes to a bad girl cause I know somehow someway I will screw it up. I always screw things up. It's always my fault.

Where was my mommy and daddy when I was being molested? Where was my protection when daddy would beat me and touch me in ways that were not ok. Where was my soft place to land my reassurance that it was gonna be ok? Where were you Mom and Dad when my brother beat the crap out of me, and when boyfriends beat and sexually assaulted me and.........I can't write anymore not cause I'm sad or crying but cause I have shut off not intentionally it just happened and now it's gone. I felt anger and hurt and then numb...I need to get rid of the pain, it's why I cut, it's all I know. I have the control to not do it for now but as I get fuller and find no relief valve and become more and more overwhelmed in the end I cut, it could be weeks, days, hours, minutes. I don't cut to die, I cut to feel, to try to understand physically what I can't understand emotionally, in the end, I don't feel I have a choice in the end I can't take it anymore and the anger at myself becomes so intense that I have to punish that bad little girl, me. I'm not askin you to pity me, to agree with me, I'm not askin for anything from anyone. I had to get this out and this is my safe place.....please respect that, I know I'm crazy and terrible but I haven't cut out the root yet so I do manage for a while but then the weeds grow back, I don't want anyones attention but I feel I will be judged, oh that's typical, she's a borderline and can you believe her? If ya'll knew my heart, if only you knew me, but this is me or is it, I'm scared and I feel so terribly alone and I just wish my mother and father had never conceived me and that's how I feel, no I'm not gonnna kill my self, just telling what I feel. I am here and I have to deal with that but I cannot understand why God allowed me to be born. I just can't.... If I push send it will be one of the hardest things I've had to do.....to let someone in.......it's my own personal horror film..I'm begging whoever reads this, please don't judge me, go back and look at the threads, I don't do this or say this on any regular basis, I have stuffed till I can't stuff anymore and please believe me this is not for anyones attention or for me to be rescued cause no one can rescue me, this is supposed to be a safeplace and after so much fighting and negativity I am scared to share this but I'm hoping I won't regret it.....Here goes......Love and hugs to all ya'll....................

October 24, 2007
7:02 pm
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(((HUGS Friendma))))), I read "some" here, alot of it is very triggering, so please forgive me for not commenting more here, time for my eveing tea anyhow, but i wanted to give you a safe hug.

I been pulling ALOT lately, I pull my hair out by the roots...I know, I am sorry.

October 24, 2007
7:13 pm
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hi friendma~

It's an honor for all of us here that you shared this.

friendma I've a question- What if you ARE crazy? I had to ask myself this question once- what if I AM crazy?

And then of course- What if I AM bad? What if I AM evil? What if am.......?

(((friendma)))

free

October 24, 2007
7:14 pm
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Shaney
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Who, in their right mind, would judge honesty like THAT? I'm commending you, not judging you, for saying the truth and stating how you feel, despite what others may think or say. Don't let fear control you anymore, friendma. Easier said than done, I know. But saying what you need to say, is a good start. No judgements here, my friend :o). Just hugs and support. love - shaney

October 24, 2007
7:32 pm
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I am so PROUD of you fm! That took courage and no excuses needed for opening your heart here. I am know how hard that was to open up your feelings here on a public forum. Gosh, I am so proud of you!!!

There were some similarities in our stories. About this, "If you don't stop crying than I'll give you something to cry about!!!!!!!!" Was that in Parenting 101 back then? I heard the exact same think while being beaten with a belt. I think our fathers have some similarities too.

We are here to support you my friend, not judge you.

(((((fm))))))

Love, gg

October 24, 2007
7:42 pm
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(((((((((Friendma)))))))))

Holding you close. You are safe...

People here love you and care about you for YOU...

Keep spilling....we are here to listen and to support you...

October 24, 2007
8:08 pm
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I am glad to see you put it down on paper, so to speak.

Having to exercise so much control of your feelings so many times sounds horrific, Friendma. Screaming at a child to stop crying or else is so abusive. Not to mention the rest of it. What else was that little girl supposed to do? She did the only self-preserving thing she could at that young age. She stuffed the feelings.

You just made me understand cutting.

I think I may have stuffed enough painful stuff that it accounts for my being so depressed now.

I've suggested this as a help to others before, but it seems like you've got such an unforgiving, relentless voice telling you you're no good that you have got to conjure up another voice that will protect you now at 32. Somehow, you've got to work on allowing a kind and loving "parent" voice to step in now. This voice wasn't there then to help you, but you didn't have the ability then and you do have that capability now. You can say truer things BACK when that voice says you're bad or worthless....you can say "Shut up! I'm NOT bad. I'm good. I'm worthwhile. I'm a loving, caring adult. I'm a good person." Write the words down. When you get overwhelmed by the bad feelings, you can get your list and just hollar BACK the TRUE stuff you've written.

Seriously, they're just feelings!! You can choose NOT to feel that way and fight back when you slide back into the old feelings. Those feelings are not real any more. They're old feelings. They are something you are capable of letting go. They are old feelings because you are CHOOSING to let them go.

Think about something good. Concentrate on thinking in those directions and in not letting your thoughts go to those dark places.

If you were able to control and stuff your feelings THEN, you can do it in a different way at this age.

When my mother died, I wasn't able to deal with it -- I sort of "stuffed" my grief up on a shelf, and, as I grew older, I took it down, a little bit at a time, and dealt with it in small pieces. So sometimes it would be hearing a song she sang and I'd be blubbering like a baby, seemingly for no reason, or crying UNREASONABLY at a person's funeral that I barely knew.

Maybe you can just "take down" a memory here and there and talk about them till you can see them in the light of the adult you are now rather than as the little child who experienced them then. By letting the loving "parent" within you comfort the abused "child" still crying within you, you could find some peace.

Take down a "mistake". Instead of lamenting the mistake and beating yourself up about how you handled it, consider the different ways you could have handled it that would have made a difference. Approach the "mistake" as an objective person, emotions set aside. Decide what ELSE you could have done or said. Then put the "mistake" away and promise you'll remember the better things to say or do when another similar situation arises.

YOU CAN handle stuff.

Best wishes.

October 24, 2007
8:16 pm
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Friendma....I wish I were there to just hold you and let you cry...

You are ok hon. You are...you started a good thing...

I learned this here Friendma..."We are only as sick as our secrets..." (Thanks Bev) You start letting your secrets out honey...you start to heal. I believe that Friendma...

ONE DAY AT A TIME....

I love you girl....(((((((Friendma)))))))

October 24, 2007
10:04 pm
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(((Perky)))

I am so glad for you that you hit send. You took a huge, brave step in sending it. I write out all this stuff and sometimes I can send it but sometimes I can't. You did it!

You took this gigantic step tonight. Keep talking keep talking keep talking.

Brynnie says this - "Screaming at a child to stop crying or else is so abusive. Not to mention the rest of it. What else was that little girl supposed to do? She did the only self-preserving thing she could at that young age. She stuffed the feelings."

Yes the little girl did stuff the feelings. Do you think that you are screaming at yourself now? By the things you tell yourself to stuff you feelings? By cutting?

I wish I was there to hold you too. Just keep writing and talking, and it won't seem so fearful to you.

(((Friendma)))

October 24, 2007
10:40 pm
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(((Friendma))) Still holding you close. Please let us know how you are. I am thinking of you sweetheart.

October 24, 2007
10:41 pm
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((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))

I was scared to come back and see what responses might be here after what I wrote. I honestly was hoping that no one would respond cause it is so scary to open up but now that I have read what ya'll have wrote, tears weld up in my eyes and a deep part of my inner self felt warm for the first time, I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone but there is a deep inner place that stays pretty cold, frozen I guess you would say. I've had to isolate so much to survive and when I read the responses the hairs on my arms raised up and that inner place felt warm, of course I quickly shut the door on it but it gives me hope that lil by lil I might be able to open up and someday find peace and healing. I appreciate all of the posts, more than ya'll will ever know. I needed to know that someone was ok with me and my issues, I guess I did need somethin, I just didn't realiZe it till now. I didn't post to recieve anything, cause I know better than to expect anything and than have nothing and be crushed. I expect the worst so nothing takes me by surprise and crushes me. I'm sendin ya'll lots of love and hugs! Thank ya so much for all the support!

October 24, 2007
10:46 pm
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(((FM)))

I just wanted to send you some more squooshy hugs. I'm glad to see you around, and I'm so glad you are talking.

(((Miss FM)))

October 24, 2007
10:50 pm
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hey friendma~

It took along time for me to open up to people, too. There is a part of me that remains- only known by me. A part of me I've never shared, probably never will. It's like a reserve, a part of me I keep separate. It's the part of me, I believe, that enabled and still enables, me to survive.

I shared this in my support group once, and everybody responded with 'me too!"

so I thought I'd share that with you.

You're not alone.

free

October 24, 2007
10:54 pm
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(((Friendma)))

Welcome to your safe place! It's a warm and loving, caring and accepting place don't you think?

Keep talking honey, we're listening.

Isis

October 24, 2007
10:58 pm
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I watched a show the other night and the foster parents were abusing the children and long story short, at the end someone was there for the children and said it was gonna be ok and that no one was ever gonna hurt them again and held the child.

That I now have realized triggered somethin in me. There is a little girl inside me, although I am 32, on the outside, the root of who I am is a little girl. I needed someone to step up and protect me and they never did. I have gotten and still get my feelings hurt so easy and alot of times I'm not sure why I am responding so intensely but that little girl inside me keeps me very vulnerable, although I usually don't even realize that the little girl is responding, I see now she is. I have a dual personality in a sense......

I just wanted safe,loving,non-sexual,protective,reasurring hugs. I needed a safe place and there was no safe place, no safe person. Home was a war zone, never stable, always hostile, painful, scary..........

As I got older I needed to be loved and accepted and it had to be by a male and that led me to make some very poor choices and needless to say I ensured my fate of continuing to be abused, verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, so........

In a safe world I would run up to my loving daddy and he would wrap his arms around me and have me sit on his lap and just hold me, NON SEXUAL!!!! NON VIOLENT!!!! Ain't never gonna happen......

I'm a creature made to have intimacy, but I hate kissing, touching, sex, hugs, etc. yet I need it, yet I can't stand it......

I'm gonna call my inner little girl (JEN), so when I refer to jen it's me as a little girl that is still trapped inside this 32 year olds body.

I've gotta go smoke and collect my thoughts........................

October 24, 2007
11:00 pm
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((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))

October 24, 2007
11:04 pm
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Miss FM

((((HUGS TO YOU TOO)))

I have to get some sleep, but please know that this is a very safe place- I know it will be respected. Keep writing so you can acknowledge and love that precious little Jen.

Positive thoughts and good earth energy going to you from Texas!

Love you.

October 24, 2007
11:30 pm
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Well, after smoking and doin some thinkin, I think I'm gonna try to talk in 3rd person maybe, like...um...Jen feels very scared today....I'm gonna check with my counselor tomorrow and make sure it's healthy to do it but I think I might be better able to express some stuff if I write it down from the little girls point of view.....Does that make any sense?..........

I have such vivid memories and I have gotten so very confuse cause it's in the past yet so very much part of my present and how do you express that??? .............

Jen was so scared to come out and express herself today but feeling glad that she did but waiting for the bad stuff to happen....
Do I sound crazy or what???? Maybe think of it as writting a book?? Does anyone else struggle this much on getting what's on the inside out???

Oh well, I guess I'll give it a try..........

Maybe sometimes I will speak for Jen and other times I will be Jen speaking.....Hm.......

Oh well, what the hell, right!?!?.....

I find myself typing knowing that I'm a 32 year old but feeling as tho I'm just a puppet in a sense for Jen...She is in me and she is in control and that sucks cause as an adult I have learned stuff and want to apply it but Jen just can't trust it and does not want to open up to anyone....She is scared to death of someone else hurting her or taking advantage of her.....

I guess I must truly be crazy....like lock ya up and throw away the key crazy and that scares me, really scares me, I just want to be normal and........The lil Jen inside me keeps saying shut up you idiot, they arn't gonna understand, you can't trust anyone, they will lock you up or never post to you again, what the hell are ya thinkin, you are nothing and no one cares what the hell you are trying to do, don't fool yourself into believing that any of you would be important to anyone else.....

Now do ya see why I don't post much, Jen is always yelling at me.....

I don't know if I can post this, Jen says just delete and go back to what you always do and...........Jen also tells me that anyone who reads this is gonna for sure think you have scziophrenia, (sp)??

What the hell, I'll post......

October 24, 2007
11:45 pm
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I know that I am me and there is only one of me but the inside me is stuck and although I have grown to be 32 in so many ways, in so many ways I'm still that little girl........

I again am scared of how this will be recieved from others......

Ya'll did such a wonderful job of helping me to feel accepted and cared for but again Jen doesn't trust it and Jen has reached out before and truly believed that it was ok to open up and BAM they knocked the wind right out of me and showed me AGAIN that to trust anyone is foolish!!

I'm askin to be hurt if I trust others or open up..... I can only imagine what kind of a woman I could of become had life of been different...Life is what it is but if only.........I know don't go there.......

Jen just wants to be held and be able to trust that it's ok to cry, ok to feel, ok to talk about it, ok to be Jen.......

Jen just wants to be a good little girl, loveable, hugable, worthwhile, needed, wanted, cared about, special, valued, treasured, protected......

I want Jen to get over the past and heal and move on with life and just when I think it might be happening, I for example start talking in 3rd person or as tho I have 2 seperate people inside of me, I don't think that shows progress but probably shows that I'm CRAZY........

You might be wondering, why is crazy so bad, ok I'll tell ya, I mean the crazy that gets ya thrown into a mental institute and they never let ya out kinda crazy, that scares the hell out of me.....

I hate Jen, if only she could of been good enough, quiet enough, smart enough, loveable enough, none of this crap would of happened........

October 25, 2007
12:15 am
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I would like to know at what point does a person find the ability as a parent to abuse and neglect and torture their kids?

I know that everyone does the best that they can but geez, I loved my kids enough to let them go and that breaks me in ways everyday that no one know and could never understand. My kids were not taken from me, I knew they would be better off with their Dad as the full time parent and with me as the part time parent.

I know that I made the right decision but what kind of a mom walks away? It was stay and repeat negative patterns and send my kids straight to emotional jail or walk away and give them a fighting chance at a better life than what I was given.

I never beat my kids physically but I was verbally or emotionally hurting them, I had become my mom in the sense of always being angry and emotionally barren and just frustrated all the time and never happy with anyone or anything and I could not stand by and put my kids thru that......so......I had to love them enough to leave them with their Dad.

I feel like such a failure as a mom...One of the people I hate so much for how she treated me, I became so much like her, although I knew I didn't like how I was but I just didn't know how to change it. I swore I would never be like her, and guess what I became so very much like her and I hate me........

When my husband divorced me and my kids stayed with their Dad and for the first time I had to live alone, I died inside, the pain was undescribeable.....I was a mom with out her kids.....once again not good enough, once again, a failure, it was my fault, no one made me do it...How do you forgive yourself for failing as a mom? I'm different now and if I had it to do all over again I would choose to lose my family again cause thru the worst loss of my life I gained what I had been missing and I have now become very different from my mom, but my kids still cry cause they miss me and hurt cause they live most of the time without a mom in the house which is not normal for most kids. My daughter asked me the other day, "Why didn't you fight for us?" I tried to explain the best I could but I could see in her face that it wasn't enough to make it better for her to wrap her brain around. I will never get my kids childhood back and I will never be a full time mom and watch my kids get off the bus.

Each morning I wake up and the mommy in me just aches for my babies, each night the mommy in me just aches for my babies and thru out the day I ache for my babies......I deserve it, I was a bad mom and I got what I deserved, please know, I tried with all I had to not be anything like my mom and I failed.........

I can't express anymore tonight.......Please just know this, I love my kids more than anyone will ever know.......................

October 25, 2007
12:47 am
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Hi friendma~

"Jen" is your inner child. Abuse survivors often have one. Check it out on the net. Check with your counselor. It's normal. Jen needs to be acknowledged. And that's what you're doing. Doesn't mean you have schizophrenia, but if you do, I'll tell this much: my aunt is paranoid schizophrenic and I love her with all my heart. Always will. Her having paranoid schizophrenia in no way makes her less of a person. Especially to me. She is my precious aunt - oops, almost used names. Had to delete.

being "crazy" and being thrown into a mental institution- that's scary. I was terrified of this at one point in my life.

It's very clear friendma, that you love your kids more than anyone will ever know.

You've expressed alot friendma.

It's gonna be okay.

(((friendma)))

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October 25, 2007
12:55 am
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Here is a site that explains a little bit about jen and her needs.

http://www.iloveulove.com/psyc.....child1.htm

October 25, 2007
1:58 am
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(((((((((((FRIENDMA)))))))))))

There are more of us that feel like you do than you are aware of.

We can get through this and learn and grow....you are not alone! You will never be judged by me or by others. Everything is going to be okay! OKAY!

(((((FRIENDMA)))))

((((((JEN)))))))

October 25, 2007
8:01 am
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So proud of you for getting all of this out Friendma....this is such a good start for you to heal. We are listening, we care, and we understand. We will support you, not judge you honey....keep talking. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

(((Friendma))) (((((Little Jen)))))

October 25, 2007
10:42 am
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((((((((((EVERYONE)))))))))) The support means more to me than I could ever express. Thanks ya'll for being ok with me and my issues!......

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