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free's something or other
February 24, 2008
1:58 pm
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Free, I'm gonna guess that behind this, is some pre-existing hostility or bad air between you and your hubby because of other or previous disputes. Am I right? This can work out, believe me, even now. All it takes is sit down and talk everything out rationally. Believe in this and it can work out, really.

February 24, 2008
2:07 pm
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hi guest and free2c~

I don't mind the "disagreement"- support comes in many forms and I'm thankful you take the time to post here.

Our house is kind of funky. It was a 3 bedroom and we needed a 4 bedroom so we divided the living room in half- only a paneling wall separates the living room from his room. I guess he could have done his homework on his bed, but he would have still been distracted by the t.v- he is ADHD and I don't medicate. When the kids, any of them, are doing homework the tv is always off.

I want to see your point, I want to understand, but I'm just not. I don't see this as a matter of the kids being before my husband. I see my husband and I as supposed to be a team. My husband's grown son comes over whenever he wants for tutoring in his college math class- I leave an open door- whatever I can do to help his children, I do as I feel we are supposed to be a team. I spent 4 hours with him last Sunday. With the tv OFF. Instead of getting all dolled up for going out Friday night I threw on jeans and a sweatsirt so I could spend that hour helping him. Not a big "sacrifice"- that's not the point. What I expect in return is that my husband do whatever he needs to do in order to help MY children. I needed the tv off for 15-20 minutes. Just off. I didn't even need him to help, just watch tv in one of the three other places available.

I want a partner, and I feel I've an adult child. I think my husband should have been supportive of my efforts to provide a quiet environment for my kids to do their homework.

As far as spoiled guest, indulged yes, spoiled, I don't think so. Read in my post earlier about how they are doing in their interactions with the world thus far.

I believe that for the most part a child will commit to school with the same committment parents do. And it definitely shows in my 3 kids academic progress.

What I'm going to do is make my son do homework before dinner, not after. this way his schoolwork should not interfere with my husbands tv desires.

I can tell you this though. That will not solve the issues at the core of what happened. Because IMO, at the core is a selfish adult child.

free

February 24, 2008
2:14 pm
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I should add guest- i think is so funny but it illustrates the super nanny and spoiled thing (not claiming to be super nanny here, I think she is awesome):

My son is a middle schooler and so he is starting to do the mouthy crap and just the other day he took a disrespectful tone and one of my daughters turns around (we were in the car) and says to him "do have a death wish or something?"

And he shut up.

Smart kid.

lol

free

February 24, 2008
2:18 pm
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we cross posted guest.

I think super nanny would have shut the tv off. I think super nanny might have cancelled tv if there was an issue.

I had a tv issue with one of the older children about 5 years ago. So for a year we did not have cable.

Very effective.

This is why when I shut off the tv, my son said nothing and got right on his homework.

free

February 24, 2008
2:45 pm
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No cable for a whole year, WOW. That'd kill me!!!

Look, Free, I totally hear you about you feeling like you are dealing with an "adult-child" as you put it. But you said yall guys were together for 10 years prior to marriage. In all those 10 years you never had him behave this way??? It just started AFTER your marriage?? I can't imagine that.

To me it sounds like there are BIG-time anger and resentment on BOTH of your parts. And a happy, loving, caring PARTNERSHIP can not work if both people are pissed off at eachother! How could you be team-mates with someone you don't like. You may LOVE eachother but right now, just from these few posts, it sure sounds like you do not LIKE eachother.

And Free, Marriage is Work. Relationships are Work. But if BOTH people are willing to work hard, the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices.

February 24, 2008
3:02 pm
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We've been married for almost 2 years. We did not live together- I was raising my kids on my own. On school nights he would come for dinner and go home, I dealt with homework and reading and etc.

I feel betrayed. I did not want to get married until the kids were grown as I felt a need to nurture and care for my children and did not want to have to work on a marriage. I told him this numerous times and this is why we were engaged for 3 years. What "sold" me finally was him saying repeatedly that my life would be so much easier (it wasn't HARD, I was doing a good job as a single mom but it is definitely alot of work)- he said we would be a team, that it would be two of us and he would be a help. There would be no fighting over the kids he would say, because he would be a part of solutions, not problems. He would be there to support me in all respects in raising three kids with a sociopathic ex.

Well that's all bullshit.

It's not easier financially- he's killing me. It's not easier emotionally- like bevdee said I think, I don't want to have sex with anybody who calls me a fucking anything. I'm lonely for intimacy but he grosses me out now. It's not easier physically- the stress of this marriage on the rocks shit has my nueromas in my feet acting up and I wake up with excruciating nerve pain constantly throughout the night.

I got married and it was a mistake.

I'm good at making those.

free

February 24, 2008
3:28 pm
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I guess to be more clear f2c- it started 4-5 months ago. We've been married almost 2 years.

He never called me a fucking anything before that.

free

February 24, 2008
3:32 pm
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Hi free,

I'm sorry to read of how much of a toll you feel your marriage is taking on you. If you genuinely, deep in your heart, believe it was a mistake to marry, I hope you will find a way to separate and divorce, so that your kids won't be soaking in this poisonous atmosphere as they go through puberty and grow toward adulthood.

I grew up with miserable parents; not the kind of scenes you are describing, but a "dead" kind of marriage which my mother regretted bitterly but stuck to because she was a person who believed in honouring commitments. It's taken me years of therapy to replace the messages I got from that with something healthier.

The damage to your kids may be less because they haven't grown up in this atmosphere from Day 1... but still. If you believe in your heart it was a mistake, I hope you can find a way to correct it.

best wishes,
kroika

February 24, 2008
3:55 pm
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army, red blonde, kroika~

thank you for posting here. I regret marrying partially because things were so stable before I married again. My ex husband was very abusive and I had changed our lives.

When my current husband went off on one of my daughters, she was crying later and said to me "I just never thought I would hear that again, he's just like dad."

And he is when he is having his fits.

He's says he's going to work on things, and bla blah. I've heard all that before.

I'm planning.

free

February 24, 2008
8:37 pm
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Free, no I still dont agree that the TV should have been shut off. Ok so the lviing room is divided, but what about the other 3 or 4 rooms in the house? Cant he go there? Couldnt your son have gone to another part of the house to do his homework? Really? I mean, was there no option at all?

I'm watching TV and if my son isnt doing his homework, he needs to go into another room and do it there. Its not my fault, it is his.

To inconvenience me because of my son's own fault, is not being fair.

This is something just on the surface, I bet you guys have a lot going on under this, hence this interaction. Tell me more. Tell me why he cant go into another part of the house.

If the TV is usually off for homeworks, well, is the living room for watching TV or doing homeworks? I would say, TV? Why cant they do it in their own rooms? Seroiusly.

February 24, 2008
9:01 pm
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((((((((((FREE))))))))))

((((((((((MAMACINN))))))))))

February 24, 2008
9:02 pm
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As usual, I have a lot to say (quell horror! As always) - but, there is much goin gon right now, and I'm on a moving bus/office.

I will post more later.

Do you pitch it after a few years?

Think on this.

Would YOU call someone a "fucker"

Therein lies your answer.

But, I will write more later.

As ever,

Z.

February 24, 2008
10:01 pm
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Free, You say you feel betrayed?

Is it only because of his lack of support with your children?

How does he kill you financially? If that's not too probing a question, if it is, tell me to shut up. You know I can take it. If he kills you financially, would relieving yourself of that burden free you up, making the house payment easier? I think I remember saying you had to carry his insurance? (I can do my ciphering, I'm good at that - and I bet you are, too)

In the Essay thread, you talked about his interest in porn. I might feel betrayed by that, if he hid that. I can't remember all the details, was he honest and upfront about it?

Are there other ways you feel betrayed? Is he supportive when you go to battle your ex in court?

You said he has been calling you f-in this and f-in that for a few months now. Is that for the same type of things? If he's doing that in front of the kids - yeah, I agree, you got you a man-size, potty mouth cranky baby. He is not showing you any respect as a woman, as his wife, or as a mother. He is not respecting your children by doing that to you, either.

What he is doing is saying that what he wants is most important, coming before the needs of others. Family Guy!! How ironic. :O

Me? I'd yank all the m-f-in TVs out of the house, if they are causing that much of a distraction to the family. Then the homework would get done, books might get read, and there might be actual talking once the wall of the TV is gone.

Is he willing to go to a marriage counselor with you?

February 24, 2008
10:24 pm
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TV's in a mf'ing house, Snakes on a mf'ing plane! lol, sorry, couldnt resist. I'm sure you heard that while people were making fun of that movie.

Noo, we want the TV's back! I hereby declare the Organization for the Conservation and Protection of TV's in Living Rooms in North America (so that means, OCPTVLRNA, ok whatever this isnt making sense, its too long). TV's are hence forth declared an endangered species.

February 24, 2008
10:35 pm
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G_ Dude

You can have your m-f-in TV. You have done your homework!! But seriously, TVs aren't endangered. They are over-glorified, mindless distraction. The computer is a much more intelligent pursuit!!

February 24, 2008
11:10 pm
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Hi Free,

Christ on a fucking unicycle!

I'm gonna have to go with Guest on this one: It's snakes on a muthufuckin' plane.

Maybe even fucking snakes.

Clinically speaking, you are on a plane with a swimming pool full of yogurt filled with fucking snakes. Yogurt-coated snakes. Those are the almost the worst kind.

Normally, I would advise people in similar situations to not panic.

In your situation, I think you maybe should take a good 5-10 minutes to panic. Do it silently and alone. Then go back to not-panicking mode.

I'll need some more information from you, but I have an idea, a hypothesis about what might be going on here.

And I think there is a good 50%-60% chance that you can actually fix it and make it better.

February 24, 2008
11:13 pm
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Reminds of the Gieoc ad, there are better ways of spending 15 minutes online. heh.

I was actually pretty bad in doing in homework when I was older. 8am is the due date and its 12 midnight and I havent even started. Before that, by mom used to beat me up a lot so I did good on studies. Now I say there's better of disciplining kids.

But phew anyway.. raising kids is not easy.

I should watch that movie by the way, snakes on a plane. Gosh gotta reply to a few emails as well. How was ur weekend? What did you do? Hijacking free's thread, sorry, oops. I didnt do much, sunday night is here again, sniff. I want my weekend back.

February 24, 2008
11:16 pm
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I met a cutie on the west coast but I dont have her number argh! Ok and that last reply was for Bevdee.

What did you all do on your weekend, I guess I wish I knew what everyone did so I dont feel bad about my own wasted one, which went away real quick. Gotta love my weekends, yay. Endless napping.

February 24, 2008
11:18 pm
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Tell you what free, get the kids to do their homework in their own rooms. If they want to watch TV, they can only, if they have done the homework, otherwise they need to go out. I feel thats what Super Nanny would do. And no, she wouldnt shut off the TV if dad was watching it. That would be considered rude, you know? I mean, from my point of view, why cant the kid go in his room and do his homework there?

Get them to do homeworks before time so they dont miss their shows... real simple as that. The girl seems good, only the son whose showing trouble.

February 25, 2008
1:35 am
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You guys are too fricking funny! Christ on an effing unicycle? planes trains and automobiles? mf-in tv's and endangered species? What a riot you peoples are!

Put a huge grin on my face thank you so much. I'm chuckling as I write.

I've really been thinking about all that's been posted here and just want to take the time right now to tell you how much I appreciate y'all. WD don't hide so much. Big sis needs ya every once in a while ya know?

I've always said- I might look and sound lke I have it together but I don't. I hang by a thread. when the thread starts unraveling I get scared. I'm so glad y'all are here. How fortunate I am.

free

February 25, 2008
1:47 am
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guest- homework isn't gonna be done by going into another room. He's ADHD and I don't medicate. That means I have to work exceptionally hard at parenting him. He is easily distracted, and while we've made tremendous progress as far as him accepting responsibility and ownership of things, he is a middle-schooler and it is exacerbating the ADHD. It will for a couple more years.

TV has to be off and distractions limited. It WAS rude to just shut the tv off and I did it rather curtly. Swift, deliberate, firm. I was disciplining my son and not taking into account that my husband would be offended. I can see how that would be rude. I expected my husband to stand in support, but I can see how he would be offended.

My son will do homework when he gets home from school- I'm just switching homework time. He knows no tv. I think this will prevent another homework issue. when it's just him and I, things just- get done.

TV is an educator's nemesis. I'm a teacher so I would LOVE to see these things get on an endangered species list and then go extinct. Before we were married, when I was raising them single, there was no tv after 6 pm. Period. the house was quiet. They would read, listen to music, clean their rooms, write in journals or we'd play cards and battleship and such.

no tv = peace and harmony. Quiet. Solitude. Reflection. Calm.

So much guest, so much.

free

February 25, 2008
2:22 am
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Hey Free, how you holdin up?

Red Blonde said above... "I believe that both of you have the answers inside of you. You know when enough is enough and have said 'no more'. There isn't any 'good' time to wait for....the 'right' time." I agree there is no right time, but there is a need to take the time to be certain you have w/ you what is necessary to live such as money, titles to vehicles, birth certs, credit cards, etc.

Also, in my case as well as others folks they have to take the time to see what options are available to them. Some are on disability, some are w/o a job and have not had one in years, some need daycare to start, there is so much more to consider than just walk out. Also, I think the kids have been considered, but you also have to weigh how much is actually affecting the kids (not minimizing anything here) and how much of it could be they are taking advantage of the situation. Kids will say what they think a parent wants to hear when questioned on it longer.

Here is a site that tells you what you need and about what to expect thru the process. Free, I know you already have this, but maybe someone else can benefit.

Free, I too think possibly you can salvage things. That is unless you just want to throw in the towel now. Do you think he'd be opened to practicing fair fighting? No name calling, if it gets too heated you step back and take a thirty minute break, no fighting in front of the kids, take it to the trailer. I don't know about the porn; if that is a problem then maybe you should move on. You'll have to decide that one.

It's good to see you feelin better. You hang in there and think before speaking. Someone in that house has to be the adult. Unfortunately, it is gonna have to be you.

February 25, 2008
2:22 am
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friendma~ thank you for your hug. You post little, but say so much when you do, with no or few words- it's cool. I think it's the timing.

Z- I look forward to all that you have to say. A moving bus/office?

bevdee~ as usual you ask those deep questions. thought provoking questions. It's like in being in therapy reading your posts sometimes. (that's a compliment 🙂 )

Financially- he's careless with money and doesn't plan. I could write a book. Here's an example. I usually keep my with-holding on taxes "up there" so i get a good refund- I know it's not the best thing to do financially, but I struggle, so this way I don't spend the money but get a lump sum once a year. Last year's should have been a little over 7k refund. I got 2. The rest went to his IRS and state debt. "Injured spouse" we learned, is good for the state (they can only take half and they did), but not the IRS. It was originally like a $1700 debt but he let it grow to almost 5k! I'm like WTF! Did you think it would go away! I hit the roof. he's self-employed- so nobody can ever take the money through garnishment. he owes about 6k in some medical- it's a bad deal, but he owes it, court ordered to pay. I tell him, you've got to start making payments on this debt- nope he says- in 7 years it will go away- I tell him no it won't as long as they re-file legally before then and get an updated court order to pay! This isn't rocket science ya know? Something happens to him, I inherit debt that I will have to legally fight kuz I have a house in my name and a paycheck to garnish. Something happens to me, he gets an outright house ownership paid by mortgage insurance, 80k in life insurance, and my retirement which is growing nicely. I told him 10 years ago when we started dating to secure life insurance- over and over- he never did. Well guess what, now nobody will touch him- he's over 50, high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes- nobody will even insure him. Nobody. I've been everywhere and the teachers union does not have group life insurance that I could put him on.

He just doesn't worry at all about "tomorrow."

And I feel like I'm nickle and dimed. I agreed to pay the house bills, he the mortgage. Only 10 bucks more for another tv reciever! Well that's worked it's way up from a 37 dollar bill to a 62. Only 5 bucks more for another phone to your plan! Only 10 bucks a month for the next higher minutes to keep from the huge surprise phone bill! So I used to pay 87 a month for the kids and I to have cell phones, now I pay 257. Yes, two hundred and fifty seven! He uses a ridiculous amount of minutes! Now his two boys are working with him and I swear they are eating me out of house and home as they work here- he does remodeling so they are helping him build cabinets and such in the garage. I told him recently I can't keep this food thing up so he went and bought some bread and sliced turkey from Costco. It's just ridiculous.

Financially, he is ridiculous. And yes, I pay his medical insurance through my plan, over 400 a month- he's just going to have to get medical.

Oh here's another doozey! Isigned up his son for medi-cal kuz it's based on his income and now a hospital is billing us 1800 dollars but they are billing ME! And I can't negotiate the bill because I'm not the legal guardian of his son, but I can be billed becuase I am the person who filled everything out etc. I am the responsible party, but not able to tell them where to go with their stupid bill becuase the kid is covered by medi-cal. is this just CRAZY or what? My husband called them once, and eerything was "cleared up". Well, it's not. Adn he hasn't "had the time" to deal with this again.

I'm writing a book.

Why do I feel betrayed? I don't feel like I have a partner. Not just with the kids. In life. I feel like I have but one more person who needs and wants something from me unconditionally. If we had sex every other night he would be perfectly happy. Fuck him and feed him- he's an easy keeper.

But not what I wanted, not what I asked for, not what I thought I would get. I don't feel like he is keeping his promise to me.

I'm thinking on this one. I feel emotionally reactive to the question. So I need to think on it.

free

February 25, 2008
2:29 am
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Z- I don't think I would ever call somebody a fucker.

We were talking tonight, it was hard to sit there and converse with him and listen to this language. I told him- I'm sitting here still because I want to try to get somewhere but normally I would have walked away by now- if you want to talk to me, actually talk to me, then you need to speak to me in a civil manner with civil language otherwise there will be no conversation and that is precisely what has happened. I told him that if you want communication, it's not going to be abusive and yes I walk away from you often and normally would have by now. If we are going to talk you will speak to me with the same respect I'm using when speaking to you. Drop the f-work and other vulgar language or drop the conversation.

We talked about boundaries- he's crossed mine and I intend to enforce them but am figuring out how.

I liked bevdee's daying "I don't want to have sex with anybody who calls me a fucking anything" and used that repeatedly throughout the night tonight as we were talking, kuz it's EXACTLY how I feel!

WE made progress I think in our conversation tonight.

Progress.

We did agree that if things don't change or aren't better by the summer then we need to figure out what to do with the house and such.

he does want to go to counseling. i'm on the fence about it.

free

February 25, 2008
2:34 am
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Hi mamma~

how are YOU holding up?

I had forgotten about the porn. It grosses me out and I'm sure that's underlying things. As a matter of fact, he said tonight that over the past few months I haven't been nice or affectionate to him and I thought it was because of a fight, but I forgot how grossed out I was when I found out he was doing internet porn. it just grosses me out.

He says he doesn't do that anymore because it killed his computer. But it still grosses me out.

We're talking about things and that's good.

Like f2c said, I don't like him anymore very much.

wd, I look forward to your analysis, especially if you think it can be fixed.

free

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