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Free2choose- not to be confused with any other frees
September 13, 2006
12:33 pm
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bevdee
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Free2choose

Hey

I missed your post of Sept 04 on kroika's essay. I don't want to clutter up her thread with my response to your post.

In my post I was remembering a theory that a friend had run by me years ago. It does make some sense to me, and that's why I brought it up.

"Man, that's like saying it is every gay mans fantacy to have sex with a 14 year old boy. That they are all a big bunck of pedophiles."

No it isn't. I never said all gay men are pedophiles. I can't speak for them. I also said that the movie industry promotes this body image.

I do know about discrimination and I agree with you. There are all kinds of discrimination, not only weight and sexual preference but age, gender, race, political, demographic, religious. The list goes on and on!! To me discrimination seems to be a matter of choosing to dislike or ostracise those who think differently than you do.

Now, how YOU doin? The new job, school, the baby-making? I have really missed you, girl.

Bevdee

September 29, 2006
1:35 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Free2choose,

I see you are back - glad to see you. I wanted to bump this up- I am still not able to post often, but I do check in.

I am sorry the baby-making process with all the considerations is going so slowly for you. That must be so frustrating!! I hope things work out for you soon.

And doesn't it just suck having to work and study? Man that is killing me! It takes so much discipline, and sometimes I just about have to force myself to study. Just that alone is so stressful for me.

I have missed talking to you, and I will be thinking of you!

Bevdee

September 29, 2006
7:45 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Likewise Bevdee

Keep rocking Mrs to choose

and i too have my fingers crossed for your (hopeful) new little baby to choose

what a cool name that would be...'Junior 2choose'

love sleepless

September 29, 2006
8:44 pm
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Hi F2C/Erica,

Thought I'd reply over here so as not to crash any parties at the Embassy...

I hope you can find that book, "When Anger Scares You" by John Lynch, and I hope you'll find it helpful. I'd be very interested to know if you do.

Hey, I'm glad you're going ahead with your porn paper. I don't know if you saw my recent post on my essay thread, but I finally got a chance to read "Pornified" by Pamela Paul. You might find it interesting because she also commissioned a survey to form part of the research for her book.

It's kind of good in a way that I didn't have access to her book before or while I was writing my paper, because I independently worked my way to some similar conclusions as she does. By having come to them myself, I feel stronger about my own thinking
ability, and by reading hers after, I feel validated that "a real writer/researcher" thinks similarly.

I would definitely recommend that book to people. I think a lot of pain could be avoided if people have this info before starting relationships. Now in retrospect, knowing what I know, I would have responded to and
investigated several of my ex bf's red flags very differently, very early on. But we know what they say about hindsight, eh.

Anyway, best of luck and success with your paper. I'd love to read it if you feel like posting it here after you're done.

hugs to you, kroika

September 29, 2006
10:45 pm
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Philmore Bowles
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I'm down for the touchy-feely. You want to be touchy or feely?

Love you, my friend. 🙂

September 30, 2006
2:29 pm
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free2choose
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PHILLIE!!!!!!!

Hey hun! How are you!!! OH, you KNOW I'm down for the feely feely. Hell, that's the only way I know how to operate these days. I think it's the effect of years of therapy, I don't know!

How are you bud???

Love you too, Man!

September 30, 2006
2:38 pm
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free2choose
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BevDee...

So you are in school too. What is you major.

As for studying, well you see where I am right now, lol. I really should be typing my abstract and putting my survey together...ughhh.

I'm at home, on my dang weekend off (finally!!! I only get 2 a month!), sick with freekin Bronchitis! I'm watching LSU whoop up on Mississippi State....GOOOOOOOOOO Tigers!!!!

Yes, the baby making process is a slow and frustrating thing. I am about at my wits end. I just don't know what to do. And then my head starts going off, telling me, "This is the SOUTH, Erica, these are right wing conservatives here...they don't want to help you, they think you shouldn't be having babies, you're a sinnfull Lesbian!!!" I start trying to find out if my OBGYN and Psychiatrist belongs to "Focus on the Family" and shit!!! I gotta get these thoughts outta my head because that lets me put myself in a mental position of feeling oppressed and at the mercy of others, and then i get all pissed and want to go over there and start a fight! And all of this is just in my head!! I'm crazy!

Soooo... tell me about you. How about that man you had told me about...what is up with him? What has been up with you??!!

Erica

September 30, 2006
2:41 pm
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Sleepless,

Hey, guess what??

YOU ROCK!!!

Lol.

Junior 2choose. I like that. But what if she is a girl?

Thanks for the finger crossing, we can use any well wishes right now. I really just don't know what to do! I'm getting frustrated. And honestly, depressed. I mean, we were supposed to be insemenating in 2 weeks!!! Now it might be pushed back for months!

So what's up with You??

Love ya,
Erica

September 30, 2006
2:46 pm
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free2choose
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Kroika.

I am excited. I can't wait to get this survey done. I really hope I can keep myself from allowing my bias to mess it up.

A part of me says, "Oh, OK. Research. That is important. Reseach will tell me what is true."

But another part of me is screaming, "Erica!!! You don't need research. You already know what's true. You lived it! Your heart knows".

But I guess this will be a big streching excercise. Just because something is true of me, or even for a few people, that does not mean that it is overwhelmingly true for everybody. I have to remember that. I will need to learn that lesson, if I don't I'm not sure I will ever be TRULY open minded.

So we will see.

Wish me luck!

Thanks for the great book references. I'm going to Amazon and see if I can find them for cheap!

Hugs to you,
Erica

October 2, 2006
5:58 pm
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Hey Erica,

I'm doing pretty well. From what I've read in some of these other threads it sounds like your life has become pretty interesting since last we typed. 🙂

The past couple of months have been quite a thing. Living away from home for 2 months in my dead Uncle's apartment. No AC, in MD, in July and August = not good at all. I did get to see some family that I haven't seen for over a decade. Pretty wild, the changes from kid to adult. I also found out some things about one of my oldest and best friends that really disappointed me. I told him what I thought and left it at that. His life, his family - none of my business, really.

Death is a funny thing, really sad and painful for me - and yet a conciousness raising event at the same time. It's a bit frustrating to see how lazy I let my mind become. How I want to become complacent and to take life and people for granted. How I find it easier to be a victim to the abuses of the past. I think I'm starting to see that, for me, some of the best and hardest lessons of life must be re-learned on a regular basis to truly be lived and appreciated. And I'm sooo f*cken lazy!!

When I get comfortable, it's easy to miss the difference between knowledge of something and the experience of that same thing.

I dunno, is that making sense? I guess I'm generalizing about specifics, but I don't want to hijack too much thread here. 🙂 I know time is tight for you, so maybe I'll start one if you have the time to talk?

< <<^>>>*Freebie*< <<^>>>

October 3, 2006
5:30 pm
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bevdee
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Erica,

So good to hear from you. Thanks for responding.

Back in early summer you were so sweet to respond to my posts to you, and I really appreciate that. Your warmth, compassion, YOU - helped me.

I am going to go out on a limb here with an opinion, based on my personal experience, and from my observations here.

I think you and your beloved are right to explore every possible avenue available to you to have this baby. If it turns out you have to wait, IF IT WERE ME, I would have to think of it as happening for a reason. I think most things happen for a reason. Sometimes I can't tell why the thing is happening, and sometimes if I keep our eyes and mind open, I can grow from it.

You have been so busy with your new job and a full course load? Mercifulgod, is that enough? There is no way I myself would consider any added situations to an already stressful life. I have moved and have acquired a 3rd dog!! - an "inherited" dog that lives outside, (his owner died) and that little extra training I have to do with him is almost enough to push me over the edge. He's like a galloping leaping gazelle.

Honey!! From reading your posts, I am sensing so much stress!!

Have you ever heard of Rage Against the Machine? I never listened to that group much, but the name always intrigued me. What exactly is this machine? I think of it as any institution that functions efficiently. Government, Church, communities, staus quo, etc.. Why rage against it? Maybe to change things, but how much energy do I have to spare to rage against or try to change a machine? Maybe the only thing I can change is the effects the machine has on my peace of mind. I don't know - I know so little!!

Here is what I do know about myself. Since I started reading the posts on these boards, I have been able to observe my reactions. Or my response to my reaction. Here is a vague example. If I see something in a post that triggers me, I step back and identify it. I don't respond immediately, because I have noticed that sometimes my responses are inappropriate. For instance in my real life, if I thought I was being taken advantage of - at work, I might have gone OFF. This bit me in the ass a few times because I didn't always have all the facts, and allowed my feelings to gauge the situation, instead of my mind.

But when I feel like I am being taken advantage of by my family? I just internalise it, and in the past, allowed this to reinforce my feelings of low self worth. I participated in the exploitation, because I thought that would prove my worth to them. Didn't work.

I think the anger from the helplessness I felt in my family or with the abuser bled over into other situations - like at work. I perceived victimisation when it might not have been there.

Here is another example - I was physically abused by Lucifer, remember? After I got out, I wanted to help other women, and considered answering phones at a domestic abuse hot-line. So I went to these support groups at the women's shelter, and I was paralysed by my anger - at what happened to those women and kids, and what had happened to me. I decided I could not be of any help to anyone until I worked out some of those feelings. That was 10 years ago, and I don't know if I could do it yet.

I can't offer you any advice or consolation regarding homosexuality, because it is just outside my scope. I know about other kinds of discrimination, though and I think all bigotry and intolerance is wrong. I'm sorry. Honestly? I think 2 women would do a great job of raising a child, because look how many single women do it!! The meds, now. I would take all that into consideration, after investigating all the possible side effects. I don't know much about antidepressants, either.

The man and I aren't seeing each other anymore. It's a long story that I told to Tez in Science without Bounds thread on 09-16-06.

Good luck with that studying- don't give up.

Bevdee

December 6, 2006
1:38 am
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bevdee
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Hey Girl!

I saw your post to Nice Guy. I have been wondering about you. Way to go on the grades!! Nice to know you are still sassy.

Bevdee

December 6, 2006
1:04 pm
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bevdee

So how many different free's do we have on this site?

Garfield

December 6, 2006
3:14 pm
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Garfield- at least 3 or 4 I think

December 6, 2006
3:17 pm
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bevdee

Thanks for mentioning this. I think I myself got confussed one time with free? and free2choose.

Garfield

December 6, 2006
4:27 pm
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I can think of free, feelingfree, free2choose and ....? hmm, is there another?

December 6, 2006
4:46 pm
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bevdee
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Miss Kroika

I think there might be, but I can't bring it to mind right now.

I'm getting old............

December 8, 2006
11:57 pm
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free2choose
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Bevdee...

Hey, girl!!! How's life treating you these days??

I'm doing good, staying so dang busy! Too Many irons, ya know!

Anyways, how the hell've ya been?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh, and I guess free is a popular name! After all, everyone wants to befree of something!

December 9, 2006
12:07 am
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bevdee
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Hey Free2

Doing pretty good, thank you. I have wondered about you, and then!! that nice guy thread popped up again!

I'm glad you're still kickin around. Oh yeah, I moved out of the place I was living - to --next door. I got a pc, so I can do my classes online. I got a better job - mobile xray, and I'm on a salary!! I get paged each day, and if there is only 3 hours worth of work- cool for me!! I still get paid my salary. I like this job because I get to work alone. I have never had a job with the hours that I liked so well before. I have alot of time to think when I drive to these places. (My butt is spreading, though!!)

Tell me about you - if you have time?

December 10, 2006
10:04 pm
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free2choose
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Well, my life is full and busy

I like my new job well enough, but I hate hate hate the hours. I work 2 to 10:30 pm, Mon. through Friday, and then every other weekend, with a day off in the week before, and then another in the week after, my weekend to work. Very crappy hours, because I sometimes feel like all I do is work, and being that this is not my Career of choice, it is not something I love, nor something that really feeds my soul, so I tend to feel abit depressed. I've been battling a big depression lately, actually, but I am feeling better lately.

I love school. That is what is saving me with this job..just knowing that I am working toward my dream, and that this job is just what I have to do in the mean time to get what I want, you know. I got an A in my psych class, I REALLY enjoyed it! I'm not sure yet how I did in math, but going into thefinal I had a 91, whichis just freaking amazing for me, because I am NOT a math kinda gal!!! Hopefully I will pull at least a B. Next semester Iam taking 3 classes, instead of2, so that will be a little more added tomy plate, but the moreI take the sooner i finish, youknow. And I am taking 2 psychs...Social Psych, and General Psych 2, so that will really be fun, and then I am taking freshman english, whichI will breeze through, because I love Literature, and I love to write, so I am not reall stressed about the added class.

J and I are doin wonderfull. She just foundout thatshe got 3 A's and a B in her classes this semester, so she is psyched rightnow. Weare looking forwardto her finishing, but we still have a ways to go, especially if she takes off a semester for the baby.

We are still planning to concieve, hopefull in April, thatis when we will have the money to try. It is pretty expensive, so we are having to save a greatdeal of money, but it is worthit. I am SO VERYREADY to be a mommy!!! I cant wait.

So thatis pretty much all that is happening here. Lots of work, Lots of school, a littlefun, but lots of love. I can't complain, I guess,I am blessed! Plus theSaints are kicking ass this season. i am watching them whoop the Cowboys as wespeak! It'shalftime and we are killing them!!! so thatis great too, lol.

So, that's it, really. I'm going lay down now, we spent theweekend in New Orleans, and I am BEAT, must have walked 15 miles in the lasttwo days, but we had a blast!

Talk to you later, hun! Great to hear from you, and I am so glad thatyou are so excitedand in love with your job! Take care!!

Love ya,
Erica

December 11, 2006
5:44 pm
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bevdee
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Free2choose,

So good to hear from you. I worked that same schedule for 10 years. I didn't like it either. But at least you have other interests in your life besides your job. It's not a life sentence, thank goodness. !

I'm happy you like school! It helps to have something that interests you. The only problem I have is controlling my stress as a test looms closer and closer. AAGGHH. Thumbs up on the grades!

Miss Free! I am also happy to hear you and your love are still planning on having a baby. This is great news. You know, I was thinking about you all - this is going to be one lucky baby. This baby is going to have 2 loving parents, who really really wanted her/him and put alot of thought into the decision. ALSO! This child is going to have parents that are working toward recovery,striving for improvement, and will be sensitive to its emotions. This is going to be a lucky lucky baby.

Free2? I have to tell you something. You can't know this, but talking with you made such a difference to me last summer. I was so afraid to share with anyone, and when I read what you were saying to Tez on the porn thread- something about how you thought that the weight of your emotions would kill you- it opened a floodgate in me. Just reading what you shared here made such a difference to me.

Thank you.

December 12, 2006
8:25 pm
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belated name retrieval.... "wish2Bfree", that's who the other 'free' is :o)

kroika the laggard

December 12, 2006
11:35 pm
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NO- kroika the detective! Kroika eagle-eye!

December 13, 2006
3:37 am
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Thank you for the very gentle reminder, bev -- no self-putdowns 'round these parts, even in jest! Except for on Feb. 29 in a leap year, or in a month with no 'R' in it :o)

Detective Inspector Professor Kroika, BScN(cand)

December 13, 2006
1:56 pm
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free2choose
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what is a laggard???

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