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Free or someone that can help w/ dv please, - mamaC
October 27, 2006
9:05 pm
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kasie919
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hey mama:

odnt know if you saw my post to Army, but just wanted to let you know im ok , just not feeling well right now, and cant talk, realy have lost my energy,

Little man is at his daddys, he will be fine,

Im ok, i guess..

talk to you sson..

Kasie

October 31, 2006
11:06 pm
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Hey mama:

Havent posted to much lately, but i have been trying for armys sake, its hard when you know exactly how and what someone feels and cant do anything about it..

There are times when i feel as if i want to give up, but you come right back at me and wake me up..

can you tell me if the sleepless nights ever go away?

ive been having those alot lately,im guessing its because of the recent issues ive had going on, i find my mind going 24/7..

Ive actually burried all my pain lately, ecxept the physical i cant, but i have out myself into work over load, and havent given myself time to think, ive missed several appointments with my therapist, and have damaged a friend ship beyond repair, i dont know how many times i can say im sorry, or please forgive me, im numb to all the freaking things important to me..

i wonder whats wrong with me, and why the circle never changes..I am hopeless...

little man goes for special testing for private school on wednesday, ive been wanting this for a while, and lucifer finally agreed to pay, an no im not geting support yet, have no clue why, i plan on calling them first thing in the am...
if littleman passes he will be out into the 1st grade, hes a little to not ready so i have asked to let him finish up the year in the kindergarden class, what i love the most is that its a good chritstian school and he will learn about the bible, and his choices, ..am i doing the right thing?>?

have you ever seen the school records here in SC?? YUK!!
then today i see we are the most dangerous help!!!

well im off to bed, i wanted to post in case ARmy or you came on...

Im tired, maybe i can get a feww good hours in..

Thanks for always being here, its nice that i can come and just bable, i hope i dont offend any one..

Love kasie

November 2, 2006
8:53 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

On my way out the door, but didn't want you to think you were bein ignored. Will get back w/ you this evening.

November 2, 2006
5:02 pm
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armyleo
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Mama,

If your going to be on later tonight I need to talk...I don't know what but I ready to imploud on myself....

ArmyAngel

November 2, 2006
9:52 pm
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kasie919
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Hey mama:

Just to update you, it seems we miss each other alot lately,

Little man got accepted into the acadamy, im glad, he will go into the 1st grade woth some additional help fromthe other kindergarden teachers, he is a little behind, but private schools are a bit ahead anyway, they told me not to worry, he will be just fine..IM hoping that with a good christian school he will elarn to love one another and not treat others poorly..and he will learn about the bible, something i always wanted to do myself, so i get to do it all over with him.

IM ok, havent really been myself lately, im still in alot of pain, but i guess, it will take some time to deal with everything and get over it, im just putting my whole self into little amn right now, although lucifer is trying like hell to make me fall, im not giving in, i just let him talk any more, its liek a big deal with him, one thing i can clearly see is control, he like to do alot of it, and im not falling for his crap..

I have learned that i have allowed more than just him to walk all over me, and I have been used, and shredded up like a piece of trash, but, i have learned from some of my mistakes and promise myself to not allow it to happend again..

I know im not making any sense to you right now, its soemthing im not ready to talk about fully, in time i will, when my heart and my physical well being are able..

i have fallen into a deep numbness, and am trying to understand why, although i think way to much and dwell on things i cant change,

I havent been able to get to the therapist missed a few appointments, hopefull i wont miss any more,

I stil feel the need to cry for my mom, I really miss her now, i get like this around the holidays,but its just hurting more for some reason.

I gues becasue i dont have any one here where i live, ive only got this stupid pc, and some people i work with but lord knows they are definatley ones i cant confide in, OMG, no way!!You wouldnt believe the drama that goes on there...whew!!
i stay far far far!! away...

I hope your well, and have time for yourself these days, you sure need it, i know i tire you out alot!!

take care of army for me if shes on tonight, i worry about her so...

Love Kasie

November 2, 2006
10:00 pm
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kasie919
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one other thing,

have you heard from Overcome lately?
I havce thought about him from time to time,

hope hes doing well,

he should be proud of me, at least im out and havent gone back!!

November 3, 2006
1:29 am
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Worried_Dad
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Clinton was a real wieeny about it though.

I wish he had just confessed, gotten it over with. Him and Hillary could have actually helped the contry have a briefer and more ineresting and useful conversation that way.

I do think that for the most part, it is innappropriate to even ask a person questions about their sex life.

November 3, 2006
1:30 am
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Oops, wrong thread.

Oh well, this isnt the worst thread for it.

Im sure Bill was punished more harshly by Hillary than by congress.

November 3, 2006
1:32 am
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Hi kasie919,

No you are making sense.

It bis better to just let the jerk blab on and on than to actually get sucked into argument or something...sucked into the logic of the mad.

November 3, 2006
1:44 am
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Hi kassie

The numbness is normal. What you're going through is overwhelming. Your mind will only let you feel what it can handle. Dwelling on things you can't change is normal, too, kuz you're trying to find answers, wishing you could change things. You're living partly in the past this way, trying to reconstruct it all and make sense out of it. You may also be mourning the loss of this time in your life, wixhing so deeply you had done things different.

It will never make sense completely, and in time acceptance will come. You were in an abusive situation, and those don't make sense. You will never understand him, as you have been a victim and he the perpetrator. That's gonna be a tough one to accept all the way Kassie. You may have pushed buttons, etc, but that doesn't and didn't make you a perpetrator.

In a abusive situations, what each percieves to be happening is not the reality. There's a weird role reversal type thinking, where the abuser thinks he/she's the victim and vice-versa.

If I can make a suggestion, don't fight yourself about dwelling on things, not for awhile. Just make sure something's getting done while you dwell- like housecleaning or gardening or cooking, cleaning the car. This way, you permit yourself to live in and attempt to reconstruct the past, while also tending to the needs of the present.

hugs Kassie

free

November 3, 2006
11:35 am
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kasie919
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IM trying free, Im just at this point where i am not sure i want to go on, Ive never felt like this, everything i touch turns to crap, i cant have friendships, or try to have feelings becasue i always ruin it, somtimes i just suck at life..

I have failed my family, my daughter, my mom, my son, what else is there?

I cant stop the crying, its become such a part of me..

I go home and try to live on, ive even,left my son at his dads, so that he couldnt see me like this, no one knows, ive not told any one except what i write here,

My mom took her life at 48, she was just starting to live, to enjoy life, her family, i dont understand, i know , i know i shouldnt dwell on it , but i cant help thinking im like her, that im going to fail just like her, i dont want to , i dont want to die, i wish i could just open my mouth and say whats honestly on my mind, instead of telling people what they want to hear, or just keeping everything bottled up inside,
Wheni try to talk about my mom, or my family to my husband, he just freaks out, tells me to get over it already,, so here i am, keeping it all in..

i made a mistake and invited him to church on sunday, the roof will fall in im sure,
but i really didnt want him there, i did it for my son, who truly wants his daddy see him at sunday school, how muchof an idiot am i?

sometimes im so stupid..

I just dont know how much longer i can hold on....

Kasie

November 3, 2006
11:59 am
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armyleo
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Can't talk now...You have to hold on...tell me about your mom, I want to hear.

November 4, 2006
12:10 am
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kasie919
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Army,

Im not sure your ready to hear all, but i will tell you any way, My mom was from Italy, she came here at the age of 13, with her parents, she is the youngest of 13, and was 10 years from her yourngest sister, her one sister committed suicide before my mom was born, and she had a sister die from cancer, the rest of my realtives except one uncle, live in Italy..

I truly dsont know much about the fa,ily she had, my grandparents died when i was very young, i remember them, they never vistited our house, we always went there, you know how Italians are, you eat from the minute you arrive until you leave, i can remember the italian they spoke, my mom always had to repeat in english so we could know what they said..some where along the line when she planed on marrying my dad, something went wrong and they wouldnt accept my father, ha little did they know huh??

or did they really know?
My mom of course was a devout catholic, we went to church every sunday, holiday, mass, confession, you name it we were there, my dad never stepped on foot into that church unless some one had died or was married or chrisitened.
I met the pope when i was little he came to our church once, i ran like hell the other way, but my mom had him bless me, i have picures of him and i, its really odd to see him..almost god like..

My mom worked hard, she raised us kids basically on her own,i dont rememeber my dad being involved in anything of mine, but alwasy was there for my sister..
My mom was everybodys mom, everyone loved to some to our house because she cooked, and cooked, enough to feed an army!!and she was good at it!! she taught me well, ..

God I miss her, she was always so protective of me, she would sneak into my room at night, tell me to come downstairs so we could talk, it was in the wee hours of the morning, but every one was asleep and i could tell her anything, which i did, i told her EVERYTHING..She became my only friend, and my best friend, i remember she had to work nights, and my dad was lefet puting us to bed, it was horrible, i would cry for hours becasue, no one was there to tuck me in or hug me, but he made sure he came in to say goodnight to my sister, and my brothers, i just thought he hated me, eventually i found out he really did..

she was everything to me Army, my world, she kept me going after my brother died, when i wanted to die, she helped me, she taught me that things in life we all take for granted, and that we need to love as if its the last day, which is usually what i do..but it has downfalls, like now, when im in trouble..

she got very ill when my brother died, i didnt even know it, she started to take her life, way after she had know i was sort of ok, after i graduated high school and was on my way to a better life, so she thought..

her depression, was very hard to understand, my dad kept it from me, as my sister did, she lived there with them, had many of fights with my mom, boy i would get so pissed off at my sister for mamking my mom mad, i tried to kick her ass once, but my dad stepped in and tossed me out of the house, gee theres a suprise..

she was a wonderful, loving human being, who touched alot of lives, its hard to understand why someone takes ther life, it hurts me still today, and i only blame myself, i feel its my fault, i should have stopped her, i should have been there for her, i feel like i did it to her,

today,, i still feel like that army, she's gone 20 years, i can still feel her like it was yesterday... my heart aches, so very bad...

you see, thats why i want you to know, even if yo think you have falied your kids, you havent, but if you take your life, they will be scarred like mine, they will hurt like i do, they will miss you, like i do, and they will cry like i do...
no matter how horrible, terrible, mean or nasty you think moms are, they have given you life, breath, and a reason to live on, i know your parents havent been the ultimate book, but they gave you life, and you have two beautiful girls, who need you way more than they need there dad, now and later on, think about them, think about what you would miss,

Your a special person, your just hollowed by that jackass of a husband, the fear will subside, and you will grow strong, i promise you..

ask on ,,,anything about my mom you need to ask, i can tell you,
you cant see my tears, but i cry for you, her and all who feel that saddness, I am one who feels like you do, i wonder myself, if i have the strength to go on,,

but i look at my son, and know I love him more than anything, and id be damned to allow his lucifer weenie of a dad raise him...

Im tired, as im sure youa re from reading this, please, write me, tell me your ok,

know im praying for you,putting my arms around you, and loving you like a friend and cyber sister should...

Love Kasie

November 4, 2006
12:17 am
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kasie919
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I bumped up a letter i wrote my mom, read it, in full, you will know why i hurt so bad,

PLease think about getting some help, dont let fear take you away,

your truly a wonderfull person...

Love kasie

November 4, 2006
12:35 am
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You are, too, Kassie

free

November 4, 2006
12:41 am
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armyleo
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Kasie,

I can't read all because I'm crying and shaking...I wanted to say this on my other post...Then didn't but I need to get it out. Your mom loved you...I know she did... But sometimes the pain is hard almost impossible some moments, and feels intolerable the next.

That's all I can say right now. Oh Kasie I need you and mama or ma strong something badly...

November 4, 2006
1:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Your mama loved you very much; that is apparent. Just as much as you loved her. I know you blame yourself, but why?? You didn't say why.

Armyangel:

We are here for you. I know I've been scarce the last few days. Been dealin w/ a littld reality myself. Life totally sucks sometimes but honey you look into the face of your children and you know that you MUST go on. Just like Kasie's mom did. She went on till she thought they were all taken care of. I'm just sorry she didn't know.

Free:

Nice to see you. How's things w/ you been?

November 4, 2006
4:56 am
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kasie919
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Free:

AS ou are to, you and Mama, never have a mean word to say, IM so gratefull your here,

Thanks to you and mama:

Love Kasie

November 4, 2006
5:15 am
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kasie919
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Mama:

Why do I take blame?

Becasue I should have been there that day,
I should have seen the signs, My mom had shouted, screamed and basically told me she wanted to die, I kept begging her, telling her I loved her, please dont leave me..

I cant tell you how many times she tried or what she did, and how she finally left , she hurt damn it and i was ignorant to those signs.

The day she did go, I was suppose to go to her house, but the asshole i was with at the time, (my daughters father) refused to let me go, i finally got out, and drove to her house, she wasnt there, i drove to my brothers work, he hadnt heard from her, my sister was no where to be found, she still lived there, I became very ill, knowing in my heart what she had done,

I got home to a message from my sister to call home, all she saidd to me was you need to come home, I KNEW my mom was gone, i fell apart, the asshole, father of my daughter, drove me to my moms house, and left, he didnt come back ntil the funeral, my dad, he didnt sat two words to me, the whole time, I called the rest of the family, do you know how hard it is to tell them she tok her life?? it was a big secret in our house, no one was to be told, they were all shocked and devistaed, i was not allowed to contact any of my moms family, here or in Italy,

I feel if I had been a better daughter, a better child, a better person, maybe she wouldnt have been so sick, maybe she would have been here,

I feel as if i made her go, that i disspointed her, that I failed her, becasue my dad hated me so..

I always made sure she knew how gratefull I was for her, I told her everyday, she Has to know how much I loved her, she Had to..

I blame myself becaause i am the demon child, my dad didnt want me, she took it upon herself to raise me, against his wishes, maybe had she given me up or aborted me, my brother may have lived, or my dad would have been a better husband to her,

when my dad got drunk and mad at her, her would beat her, then me, becasue i was there, begging them to stop, pleading with him to stop, so he turned to me, i deserved it, i was the reason he hated my mom,I was the reason my sister hated me, I am the reason my sister hates me,

I have no family except the one I made, an my daughter, shes a mess,
all I have, is my little man, and im not sure imdoing him any good either, i love him with all my heart, i failed at being a daughter, I failed at being a wife,and a mom to my daughter, i will try for a while to see if i dont fail my son, but right now becasue im not living with lucifer, imstarting to fail my son, becasue he doesnt have both parents in teh same home,

I know the pain of not wanting to be on this planet, i know the pain of not wanting to go on, I know the hurt Army is feeling, and others who wish to go..

I have wished to go, my mom was who saved me, but i couldnt save her...
I couldnt help her, I could catch her, I loved her so much, i miss her so much, she has no idea how bad i hurt for her,

no idea...

Kasie

November 4, 2006
6:15 am
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Hi Kasie,

It is pretty common for children to feel that they are to blame for their parent's marital problems.

It is also really common for survivors to feel guilty--it's actually called "survivor's guilt."

I think one of the most important things to notice about people who feel guilt and shame, regardless of whether or not they truly "deserve" the blame they ascrie to themselves is:

They are capable of feeling guilty. They have a conscience.

And that is a virtue.

Kasie you wrote: "I failed at being a wife..." I hope you weren't talking about your relationship with "lucifer."

November 4, 2006
10:16 am
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kasie919
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WD:

Yes I am..

In fact all my marriages, I feel like I have been the failure, becasue had i been right I wouldnt have gotten beat, cheated on or left.

Im not a person worthy of a true love,

I always screw them up, My heart is like a piece of glass, it shatters easy.

although I long for a true love, i know now im not worthy of one, if that makes sence..

I am to blame for my mom, she may be still alive today if she had just aborted me or put me up for adoption..Maybe my dad would be happy..i know he would, i wouldnt have made there lives so bad..

its my fault shes not here.....

Im pathetic.

I should be the one gone, not her..

November 4, 2006
11:33 am
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Kasie:

Why did your dad not want you? Why did your brother kill himself? Why did your mom kill herself? Did your mom blame you? Tons of questions can be asked and I'd say almost none of them can be given complete answers coz we don't know the minds of others. Only they know.

Honey, a child cannot be blamed for a parent taking her life. You did not ask to be born. I am so very happy your mom chose to have you; and I am so very sorry for the pain you endured. I am a person that has been blessed by knowing you so I cannot wish you had not been born.

Your mom loved you w/ only the love a mother knows. That is why you are here. Your mom, I would be comfortable to say, had no clue her death would have affected you in this manner or she'd have not killed herself. Your mom spent her life loving and raising you... what better love can a mom give her child. The only thing your mom did that was wrong was to keep you in a situation where you were seeing her beaten and you were being beaten. Do I fault your mom? NO. You know that you and I both know the pain that kept your mom there w/ that man and going thru the beatings she endured.

I don't know the facts to your life; only God and you do. What I do know tho is that whether or not you had been born your dad would most likely have been the way he is anyway. Your dad is the one that hurt your mom and you. It was you dad's choice. As for the sister... who knows. Unless she has told you why she was the one dad loved so much then who's to say. I have a dear friend that has 2 girls... one the hubby loves and can do no wrong while the other is shit to him. The mom favors the other and is critical of he dad's favorite. All I know is that it is WRONG and it does nothing but hurt the children. You are one of those hurt children.

You said... "In fact all my marriages, I feel like I have been the failure, becasue had i been right I wouldnt have gotten beat, cheated on or left. Im not a person worthy of a true love," WHAT???

Why do you insist on spouting such nonsense. You know how it works by now honey. You picked a guy like your dad coz you just wanted your dad to love you. Consciously or subconsciously. That is why they say we wind up w/ abusers. How are your the failure? I'm sorry honey, but failure or not I would be confident to say you did not ask to be beaten, cheated on or left. I just don't see anyone asking for this. If you did not ask for it, which you didn't and don't say "but by my actions" coz that won't fly here, then it cannot be your fault.

OK Kasie... here's a big question for ya. Did you read Codependent No More? I think you have. READ IT AGAIN coz you obviously forgot all you were taught in the book.

Kasiegirl STOP blaming yourself and start living your life and giving little man the life he deserves. The life of peace and love w/ his mom. Stop giving him to weenie just so he doesn't see you upset. Upsettedness is a fact of life. It's ok for a child to see mom cry, just tell him things are hard right now. Take that big old hug around the neck he will give you and hold on to it. Use his love to make you stronger so you will stand up and take charge of your and his little life. IF you won't then someone else will and we don't like the thought of that now do we.

You are goin thru rough waters. This is the storm. The rainbow is on the other side of it. Keep fighting your way thru and find your rainbow honey.

Here for you always.

November 4, 2006
12:41 pm
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Wow Kassie

That is ALOT of guilt to be carrying around. Let's assume that you are guilty of all of this. What would ending your life accomplish?

I see a cycle continuing if you do that. Kassie, you really don't have the right to do something like that to your son.

He has the right to have a mother in his life, as did you. I know you loved your mother, that's apparent, but Kassie, she didn't have the right to do that to you.

Army, it's time to start making some decisions. You can't keep living like this.

Hugs to both of you

Hi mamma! I'm doin' pretty good these days. It's just amazing how different life can be. My kids don't see their dad anymore, not speak to him. I sure don't miss the drama. He was going to move to a different state, but he can't. that's a good thing.

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November 4, 2006
11:29 pm
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Mama:

IM trying to fight it, things just have been so damned hard, and every time I turn around, i get another slap in the face...

IM gona be very late on my rent this month, I know my landlord will be pissed, but she will have to get over it, I also know that is EXACTLY what lucifer is waiting for, me to get evicted, to be honest, if i do, the shelter is looking better and better everyday.. Ill just put what i have in a storage place and move on, what else can i do..

I am NOT GOING BACK !!! NEVER!!!

I dont care if he had millions of dollars, and a freakin gold dick attached!! ( sorry if ive offeneded any one)) needed to make ARmy smile..

He just doesnt get it, sooner or later he will have to..

Something I have to clarify here, My brother didnt take his life, although In his condition in the end im sure he wished he could.. He had a tumor at the base of his brain, it was miss diagnosed a year before he died, the told my mom he had spinal menengiteis, WRONG!!!! she finally went to Canada and a surgeon opened my brother, and close him by the time they had found it, the tumor was the size of a softball, he went down hill from there, in and out of the hospital, strokes, fevers, pain, feeding tubes, everything,

He died at home, in my grandmothers arms, he took his last breath, my mom went to church to pray, she knew it was his time, SHE KNEW!!

I was at swim practice, I got cut off the team, I knew at that moment, in the pool, in tears i knew he had died..i called home, and my neighbor answered, I got to my house just as the ambulance was taking him away, i collasped, and that was it from there, my mom held me all the way through the funeral, it was horrible, she was so strong, so damned strong, how she held up was beyond me, but then years after, she caved, exactly 8 years after, on the day, she took her life, ...

How can some one be so strong and yet not strong enough to live..

Free:
I know little man desreves his mommie, I know it wouldnt be fair, I know that he would feel exactly like i did, .. Im fighting those thoughts, i know in my heart i would never walk away from him, ever, no matter what..
The doctors told my dad once that my mom had a chemical imbalance, i beleive that was true, there was alot of susicide in her family, alot of depression, its very common in certain areas of the Itlian race..Inthere true culture, its odd to know that since CAtholics are so against suicide..

I wont continue that cycle, im gona be ok, i guess, its just life is very difficult when you have no one, no friends, no family, no one ..

yes i have all the wonderful people here, but sometimes, just once id like to hug one of yas in real life, have lunch, hell id love to debate WD in real life, he would make me laugh my ass off...

I will learn, it will take some time, but i will learn..

Love to you Kasie.

November 5, 2006
2:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

You are doin great honey. I know life is hard and it does seem every way you turn you are bein slapped. Been there.

Here is a new song for you...

She never slows down,
She doesn’t know why.
But she knows that when she’s all alone,
It feels like it’s all coming down.

She won’t turn around,
The shadows are long,
And she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down.

Chorus:
So stand in the rain,
Stand your ground,
Stand up when it’s all crashing down,
You stand through the pain,
You won’t drown,
And one day what’s lost can be found,
You stand in the rain.

She won’t make a sound,
Alone in this fight with herself,
And the fear’s whispering,
If she stands, she’ll fall down.

She wants to be found,
The only way out is through everything,
She’s running from,
Wants to give up and lie down.

Chorus:
So stand in the rain,
Stand your ground,
Stand up when it’s all crashing down,
You stand through the pain,
You won’t drown,
And one day what’s lost can be found,
You stand in the rain.

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