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Free or someone that can help w/ dv please, - mamaC
October 19, 2006
7:18 pm
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What finally made me leave mama? I'm not sure. It was a process.

At first I was working on myself. I started therapy to deal with some childhood pain and to help save my marriage, which I felt was falling apart. I started a support group for victims of sexual assualt.

And listened. and learned. and grew. I knew my situation was a dv situation, but I always had a "but..." to anything anybody threw at me. I knew I pushed ex monsters buttons, i had control of them. I used this to blame myself for the dv. There was a song and a dance that we did, and I knew that. I got something from his violent episodes. I got reinforcement that I could survive violent attacks. I got to re-play a violent assault, but I got to be in control of it, to a certain extent. I got to blame myself, just like I did the very first time I was attacked. Long before I ever married. I needed to re-play that assault over, and over, and over, with the situation slightly different one way or the other, until I could make sense of it. But there IS no sense to a violent assault, so that was never gonna happen. Until I realized this, I was powerless to break away from domestic violence. I was destined to repeat this cycle for my lifetime.

My ex monster did not listen, learn, and grow with me. Our marriage got worse as I started growing independent- dressing nicely, got a part time job (I was an at home mom). I started leaving with the kids when he drank- I'd always come home later that night. I started going to breakfast and to have coffee with a friend from the support group. I started calling the 911. that was scary. I did these things not because I really wanted to, but because they were different things, and I wanted my life to be different. I started gardening, planting flowers mainly. ripping up grass and planting seeds. Tending to them daily.

this went on for a few years. I thought in my garden. Cried in my garden. layed in the sun out there many a time. it started with a little spot about the size of a foot by 2 feet. No kidding. It started to dawn on me, and this is really weird, but true:

Time was going by. Time went by. it actually does go by. My garden had grown. Flowers had bloomed. My yard had changed. Out of such intense pain came such beauty. I will never forget sitting in my yard with this revelation that if just start with one tiny thing and tend to it daily, time will go by and I can be in a spot where I'm looking back going WOW!

I'll never forget this- the first daffodil bloom in my yard from a bulb I had planted the fall before. It was March. Then I decided I was gonna leave. Decided I was not going to be with this man the rest of my life. Decided this marriage was over. Decided that being killed was better than living with him one more day. Decided that living the rest of my life alone, was better than living the rest of my life with him. Decided that my children living the horrors of the ugliest divorce was better for them than living the horrors of domestic violence.

But I was stuck.

Decided once I got a full time job that I could support my kids on, I'd file for divorce. So I started taking classes. that caused quite a bit of hell in the house. I kind of did things regardless of what he'd do. and he did stuff. During this time when he'd go off, I would find refuge in the fact that I wasn't going to be with him forever. That this was gonna change. That I was gonna get away, get out, get free.

Until I decided this, I, too, used to cry, alone. Just like I cried alone as a young teen. It was what I knew to comfort myself. there were times he'd get through to me, still, and just make me feel like crap. this went on for a few years. During this time, I did things- I copied important documents, learned about domestic violence, got credit cards in my name, a p.o. box, wrote out a will, that kind of thing. this went on for a few years.

then, I went on a job interview and kabam- offered a full time position. Went from the job interview to an attorney's office with a credit card and retained her as a divorce lawyer. There was no turning back. I'd had years to contemplate this day, and there was not going to be procrastination. I was a robot, doing what I had planned for years.

from the time I started therapy to the time I filed for divorce, seven years.

so army, do you REALLY think I'm gonna get impatient with you?

hardly.

for me, writing about and sharing my story is a form of therapy.Taboo? that's cuz you think you have a dirty secret. and that's kuz you haven't been to a support group.

We're everywhere army. Go to a shopping mall. Look left. Look right. Every third woman over the age of 20 has been violently assaulted by a male. either sexually, through domestic violence, through incest.

We're everywhere.

Your secret army, is well known, and lived by every third woman you see.

"Ah, but mine is different," you say, "my story is more appalling than yours."

yeah.

I say the same thing.

free

free

October 19, 2006
10:21 pm
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mamacinnamon
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ARMYANGEL:

You said he started to hurt you again but he stopped and he said he loves you. WHAT MADE HIM STOP??
What exactly happened if you will please tell me......

October 19, 2006
10:57 pm
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Free:

Wow, thats very compelling, you truly are an insperation to me,now I know how you became so strong and full of knowledge..

I only wished i had taken some of the steps you had, such as the credit cards and what not..
I did happen to tuck away some of our tax money, i felt only fair since I sold my house to move here, i spent every penny in my life savings on that money pit, so i thinkg i deserved something..I managed to pay off some more serious debts, but that money is all gone,

I have gotten an response from an attorney here willing to float me, if i pay all the court costs up front, Ive got to meet with him next week, i will let you know..
spoke with my boss today, if he cant pay me more, im leaving, got to go with the money right now..

Free.
You truly are amazing, thank you for sharing your story...

Love Kasie

October 19, 2006
11:10 pm
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Army:

Please post and let me know your ok,

I have read through here, has he hurt you again??

PLease tell me your alright..

need to know..

Love Kasie

October 19, 2006
11:20 pm
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Hey Army-

I want you to know that you don't really cry alone. women everywhere cry when you do, and cry when you don't. Wouldn't it be amazing if, when you started crying and couldn't stop, every one else who was doing the same appeared before your eyes.

I used to cry in a hot shower. It's been a few months now since I've done that. My kids don't see their father anymore. So my life is changing, yet again. I like this change. So, I filed for divorce in 1997, it's 2006, and I haven't cried since about August. that's a long stretch for me.

time went by, that's what happened. Army, I'm worried about you.

What did he do to you before you locked yourself in the bathroom?

Kassie, you are changing. right before everybody's eyes. Can see it in your posts.

It's really cool.

I took some meds for nerve pain. Hope my post makes sense. It does to me from my own little world right now.

free

October 20, 2006
1:56 pm
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Army, Free, Kasie andof course, Mamcin:
My heart is really breaking for all of us women who suffer as you are now. I feel so helpless. I wish i could be there right now to help. I wish someone was there to talk to me when my ex was doing the hurting. I dont know what they get out of it, but i only wish you peace, PEACE, that is all i want now, material things, i dont have and dont want, bills....take what i have, but i NEED PEACE and that is what you need. I will pray for you.
Us women are so empowered with love. It is beautiful.

October 20, 2006
4:30 pm
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Im having a difficult time right now, need some help..

tonight Little man goes to lucifers tonight..I know that i have to follow through witht the no contact..

but he wants an answer, about moving back in and getting marriage counseling and all that..

I really fear telling him the truth,

the truth is, ive had enough, its too late, and i dont want to go back, I dont want to cry anymore, i dont want to be scared any more, I want to live my life in peace..

I dont want to argue and fight, i just want to get on with my life raise our son, and be happy until i die..

How can i tell him without making him angry?? is it worth it? why try??

I know after a while it will be the same, he claims, that 15 years is to much to throw away, 15 years of alot of pain, hurt and abuse was to much for me..

why is it now i feel like a failure? why must i have to feel that this is the way it should be, why must my son have his mom and dad under one roof?/

would i be wrong telling him, i no longer feel anything for him or the marriage? no i dont think so, im sitting here at work crying, knowing dreading thati have to go there, why?
why am i so stupid, PLease please help me from going back, i dont care about anything, i just care about my son, and my health, he can have everything...if i loose my truck so be it, if i cant pay my bills i wil go to a shelter, but please please help me stay out...

If i go back, i will die, or my son will, I know mama, i know that i can only be the strong one, its getting so hard, please tell me i cant do this any more..

Please help me........ someone.. im drowning... and im scared..

Kasie

October 20, 2006
4:46 pm
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Kasie:

I'm running in and back out the door but thought I'd check on you. Glad I did.

Honey, you have NO choice but to be strong. Be strong for little man. Be strong for you. You can and you will do it and come out on top.

Kasie, are you giving this to God? Are you trusting him to care for you and little man and not taking it back??

I am so sorry I cannot stay.... I left my youngest up at the moving sale alone and I don't like leaving her there coz ya never know what the wind might blow in. Ya know.

Honey, I'm holding you close to my heart. You father in Heaven is not just gonna drop you and turn his back. Not when he'd gotten you this far.

Stay strong. Sing.... I am woman hear me roar in numbers to big to ignore...... šŸ™‚

October 20, 2006
6:58 pm
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white dove
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Ive been reading through this and feel your pain. I hope you dont mind me sharing this poem that i wrote today for a really dear friend of mine.

We walk in the wilderness

but we are not alone

we might feel empty

but we are not alone

we might feel so much pain

but we are not alone

we feel we cant go on

but we are not alone

we might not see the light

but we are not alone.

Jesus is with us

every step of the way

He went through the same

and feels our pain

we are not alone

Jesus is our light

He,s all we need

we are never alone.

October 21, 2006
12:06 am
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mamacinnamon
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White Dove:

That's a really nice poem. Thanks for sharing it.

October 23, 2006
4:11 am
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armyleo
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Free & Mamacin - Thank-you for understanding - I don't understand myself lately, but you seem too.

Kasie - are you okay? I guess week-ends are bad for you... I'm sorry...

Just wrote on I think "is army around?" Can't remember...but I rambled about the last 4 days... My brain/mind seems half here only.

October 25, 2006
12:51 am
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Hi mama!

Kassie, army, how are you holding up?

free

October 25, 2006
3:55 am
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Hey Free:

Just tellin myself again I need to get to bed since i have the twins in 3 hours. I hate goin to bed at night.

Hope you're havin an ok night at work.

ok i'm takin my meds and signing off. no foolin, this time. Yep, talk in the am.

Later chickie,

šŸ™‚

October 25, 2006
3:27 pm
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Mama/Free,

I'm scared for Kassie - I know I'm not suppose to worry but I don't know what else to do. šŸ™

I keep thinking she went back, then it will be worst....

Mama - I'm sorry I kept you up so late last night. You should have said something, I sometimes forget the time difference, it seems the majority are not from the west. But I'm going to be selfish and say I was glad you were there...

Free if I would have known you were up I would have called you over...I couldn't sleep had stuff on my mind and started a "is anyone up" thread.

October 25, 2006
8:25 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

Don't worry about keepin me up. I'm a bit of a night owl anyway. It's usually midnight to 2 am before I go to bed. Just hollar any time you need to talk. I'm here for ya.

šŸ™‚

October 25, 2006
8:35 pm
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I wrote this on my post, but it gets buried sometimes...

Mama - Do you really think I tried my best?

Sometimes I wonder if I had done something different, with our marriage, or I wonder if I change, and try things differently. It's like If I keep changing and trying to make him happy, things will be different..

I don't want to leave any stone unturned. I guess that's where I'm at now...

October 26, 2006
1:32 am
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Armyangel:

Do you feel you did your best? If so, then yes. It is more than obvious you have tried, and tried new and different things, and ya know what? It isn't gonna get better honey. He is as he is. He doesn't want to change does he? Didn't think so. Afterall, it's all your fault, right? NOT and you'd have better said NO it's not my fault.

I think you've turned every stone you could. Even if you missed one let me ask you this. With all that has happened now.. Do you think your marriage will ever be that one you have pictured in your mind??

Sorry honey (((armyangel)))

Oh, I noticed you holler for Kasie several times. I am sure she is ok. She has taken time when she's disappeared before. When she gets overwhelmed she backs off and regroups. It's the healthy thing for her to do. I'm certain that is what's goin on. (i think)

October 26, 2006
1:11 pm
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armyleo
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Free/Mamac,

I feel like the most horrible, most abusive parent there is, I just lost it with my little girl today. I'm shaking and can't stop and it was over something insignificant.

I wrote on my thread "where is army".

What is wrong with me??? I'm becoming like him??? God help me...

I'm scared...

October 26, 2006
2:32 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

I answered on the support side. I'll talk more later but have to go for now. I'll be back 6pm central time. Until then you hang in there and you are ok. Go read the post on the other side please.

October 26, 2006
8:56 pm
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Mama, Free, and ArmyAngel..

I know its been a bit, ive had alot to deal with here, and things dont seem to want to give,but i just read through some posts and need to spill here...

Im not ok, probably wont be for a while, somethings have happened and i am extremely sensative to every emotion in my body right now..

Im not ready to tell about it..

But I can tell you this, I didnt go back, and I wont, I know my live is going to be hard..
Mama, I have given my fate and future to the lord, I know I may sound dumb or stupid to some, but i have been going to a really cool church for the last few months, and I have found a place where i can release my heart, when i hear the songs, or the pastors sermon, I cry, i pray, and I feel, true heart feelings, I know i cant explain all, but this is how my life has been...

when im at church, i feel safe, wanted, loved, im not with anyone, i go alone, except when little man can go, but he goes to his special class, when im there, i feel as if i fit in, im not worried about my looks, my hair, what i say, what i do, i feel the moments of expression through the lord,
I have decided to get totally involved, I have enrolled little man in the acadamy there, i will get a scholarship, for him to go, since ima single parent, totaly cool, i think..he will finally get the education he is searching for, hes so ready for real school..

i feel at peace in one aspect, but at the other end, im still a mess.I dont know if it will ver go away, but I am trying my best to control how i feel.. I no longer am compelled to go back, i look at little weenie, and think YUK!!! I have resolved that he is and will always be here at least the next 13 years or so of my sons life, but I can make my own life with out him, and i can still manage to be happy..

Funny thing happened today, i have been financially strapped, for a while, and was just to desperate, was peaying to the lord to help me, went to the mail box today, low and behold my FATHER the creator of my abuse had mailed me another check, i cried, i just sat on the front steps and cried, how he knew was beyond me, but he sent it in the nick of time, my rent will still be late, but atleast i can buy food, an yes i called to thank him, i know he can be evil, but maybe just maybe in his messed up head, he might love me a little, just a little... although he will NEVER admit it, nor say it or breath it.....

Im sorry this has been long winded, but i needed to tell someone...

Thanks for always being here, Always!!

Love kasie

October 26, 2006
8:56 pm
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Army angel:

i will post on your thread on the other side...

Love to you....

kasie

October 26, 2006
9:36 pm
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Kassie,

I am so glad you found a church and are attending... I did that for 2 weeks before I was told I couldn't and it was so peaceful. I grew up catholic, but this church is a small community church.

Don't you just feel protected when your in there. and the times I was there, it was like the sermon the pastor said, was directed at me. Although that would have been impossible because he never knew me.

I hope you are not hurt...I really missed you. Silly but I'm crying now, it's just been an emotional day.

Hugs
ArmyAngel

October 26, 2006
9:44 pm
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How do you know it wasnt the lord directing it to you???

you took that time to walk into his house, he knew you were there..

I feel that way all the time, especially when my pastor talks about women being abused, i cry and cry, and he looks right at me, knwoing the opain im feeling,,

lately he has been waiting for me outside, just to give me a hug, and pray for me, he has no idea about my life, but only knows im in pain, ,

Theres a reason for everything, and you will find your way...

I love you>>>

{{{{ARMYANGEL}}}}

Kasie

October 26, 2006
9:56 pm
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Hi Kassie!

It's just good to hear from you.

It will surely be in your benefit if you can behave on civilized terms with the father of your children. Of course thank him as it's something you appreciated. Try to keep things businesslike and minimize contact, and keep them emotions in check with him.

I wish I had your strength and wisdom when I was going through this. I'd go into orbit at a pin drop I was so angry at him and everything and everyone.

You're doing great Kassie.

There's something to be said for spirituality at a time like this especially.

Army- sending you lots of hugs. You're gonna make it.

free

October 26, 2006
11:34 pm
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(((( Kasie ))))

(holding you close)

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