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Free or someone that can help w/ dv please, - mamaC
September 27, 2006
3:09 am
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free
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Hi Kasie

My story is very long. I'll post it here if you think it will help. Say the word.

Mamma, you've too much faith in me! I can only share what I've been through.

It's hard to explain this, you can't stop somebody from doing what they are going to do. You can only stop and control and change your reaction to them. You're not going to stop him from hurting and using your son. This is a cross your son will bear, whether or not you are with his father. You can help your son to carry it, is all you can do, and is a great gift. It's not easy to acknowledge that cross.

Knowledge comes from learning the ropes, from going through it. "It" can be very, very, long.

Strong comes from freeing yourself from that which you can't control. The trick is to learn about, and then accept, that which you can't. You might think you don't accept responsibility for his behavior, but you do much more than that Kassie- you own it. It's part of why you stay.

There are two options. You stay with him. Or not.

There's no option number three. Stop looking for it.

There are things that occur in your life that you can't see because you're in it. People around you see things and hear things and understand things that you can't. to escape what you are in, you have to find the belief that life is different, better, outside "the box."

Once my dad told me, when I was contemplating college, that ten years ago, my life was very different than it is now. Ten years from now, it will be very different as well. If right now is to hard to live with, then focus on ten years from now. There is much hope in that vision, kuz you create it. Freedom is one step at a time. 10 years from now, and 10 years from now will come, Kassie, it will have been a journey.

It's late right now, but Kassie, I'll post with ya anytime. right now, it's short kuz I gotta go to bed.

You're gonna be okay. You're gonna make it.

Ya always will be when ya start asking and searching. It's part of the journey.

free

September 27, 2006
3:38 am
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Free:

So very true. Great way to look at it. I would LOVE to see your story and how you keep the strength to persevere.

September 27, 2006
6:52 am
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Free,

I dont live with him, I moved out 2 months ago, when he almost killed my son, he got so angry over my son dropping a sandwhich on the floor, it scaired the hell out of both of us..

I know what your saying about learning from it, this is my third very abusive relationship, I have been through hell and back, im workiing hard with my therapist on learning not to connect woth those kind of men, but thats not the issue at hand..

I ask him to leave me alone, he wont, i ask him to stop calling me, he wont, so i dont answer my phone, he then drives to my house, bangs down the door, wanting to know whats going on,, hes loosing it, literally, I have asked him not to call me at work, its hard for me not to answer the phone becasue thats my job, ive asked my boss to let him know i cannot accept personal calls unless they are emergencys, he still calls when i dont answer my cell phone..

He insists on accusing me of seeing someone, im not, i cant dont want to, im scaired to death of men right now,

Ive gone to lawyer after lawyer, i cant afford the good ones, and I cant get legal aide i make to much money..

I know he threatens to tak my son, he cant and he wont, I am a good mom, I take good care of my son and I am tryin to be the good parent allowing the father to visitation,

Ive filed for support and that is just going to set the freakin winds a blowing, his little weenie will just go like hell after that...
IM scaired,

One of my biggest problems is trying to ignore him, i have fought off all the times he makes my son call me telling me hes hungry, ive learned on the weekends when he visistes his daddy, before i drop him off, i go to the store and buy, enough food for my son to make it through the weekend, pitiful, since my husband makes 4 times what i do, and while im at work over the weekends, i make shore i do not fall into his ploys of wanting us all to go to breakfast and all that crap, I want to take my son to church, he really needs to know the lord at thtis time, but my husband is a creep doenst beleive in all that, so he tells me no.. makes me sad..

I dont know what else i can do, here in this state, you have to be seperated for 3 months to get a legal seperation, and then we have to be seperated a year to even think about divorce, I cant prove his drinking problem, they dont acknowlege mental abuse, they have to see it, and no one will touch my case..unless i have thousands of dollars....

I know im half the way there, i did leave him, i lock my door at night but wonder, what the hell the next day will bring me...

I dont know what more I can do Free, its like im waiting for him to kill me, and i never looked at it that way before.......

I'll certainly listen to any advice you can give me right now,

Thanks for your time,

Kasie..

p.s.Thank you mama, i love you!!

September 27, 2006
7:16 am
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One more thing,

he tells me that the reason he refuses to help financially, is because I left, the way to fix it is to come back to him..

I say HELL NO!!

I dont care if my truck gets repoed, i dont care if the credit cards dont get paid, i make sure i pay my reant and utilities, i go to bread baskets to get food, and i have some help from my dad occasionally..

Now how will he look in court once he drags me ther to take my son away??

Hes evil the devil himself..

Kasie

September 27, 2006
8:28 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Honey, I know you have looked into this and I know they said they will accept you. I know you have an 18 yr old daughter that needs help but she is w/ family elsewhere. Why? Because of him.

Honey, take the shelter up on the protection plan. Just disappear and never be seen again. OR hitail you little butt back to the other state and take that divorce before he knows what has hit him and then disappear.

Kasie, I fear for you and specially for little man's safety. You are leaving little man w/ a man who almost killed him over dropping a sandwich. You are leaving him w/ a man, no weenie, that calls that child names... mamqa's boy, whoos, gay. Kasie this little man cannot take the abuse and come out unscathed. Even on the weekend he is tormenting your child by having him call and ask for food. Little man must be so afraid. And if you say he runs to dad w/ open arms I am gonna tell you it is coz he fears for his life also. Kids play the game better than adults.

kasie GET OUT NOW

I am sorry I have not been able to look at the statutes for you this week. We have passed round the flu and I've had my own hell this week. I'd be here more if I could, but I have come each day to check on you.

You know I care about you, but you MUST help yourself. You are trying every way you know how and what... you are terrified at your home, at work, everywhere. No way to live coz he still has the upper hand on you.

Please consider what I, the shelter, and whomever else has told you. RUN and don't look back. Let them give you a life. Let them give little man a life. Your eyes will be opened when Kasie? When?

September 27, 2006
8:31 am
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PS. Kasie... you said you are getting your ducks in a row and there is no way he will get little man. IF you are talking about the abuse he has done to little man then honey you can forget it if you are letting little man go to be w/ his dad every weekend unsupervised. IF you are letting him go to his dad's then it shows you do not fear for little man. I'm sorry; just the facts.

September 27, 2006
10:45 am
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Kasie: There is so much to put I am only gonna put the parts I feel pertain to my opinion here. I'm sorry it is long, but laws like lawyers tend to be long winded.....

No divorce from the bonds of matrimony shall be granted except upon one or more of the following grounds, to wit:

(1) Adultery;

(2) Desertion for a period of one year;

(3) Physical cruelty;

(4) Habitual drunkenness; provided, that this ground shall be construed to include habitual drunkenness caused by the use of any narcotic drug; or

(5) On the application of either party if and when the husband and wife have lived separate and apart without cohabitation for a period of one year. A plea of res judicata ( the thing has been judged," meaning the issue before the court has already been decided by another court, between the same parties. Therefore, the court will dismiss the case before it as being useless.) or of recrimination with respect to any other provision of this section shall not be a bar to either party obtaining a divorce on this ground.

SECTION 20-3-20. Effect of collusion. (secret agreement for deceit or fraud)

If it shall appear to the satisfaction of the court that the parties to any divorce proceeding colluded or that the act complained of was done with the knowledge or assent of the plaintiff for the purpose of obtaining a divorce the court shall not grant such divorce.

SECTION 20-3-30. Residence requirement.

In order to institute an action for divorce from the bonds of matrimony the plaintiff must have resided in this State at least one year prior to the commencement of the action or, if the plaintiff is a nonresident, the defendant must have so resided in this State for this period; provided, that when both parties are residents of the State when the action is commenced, the plaintiff must have resided in this State only three months prior to commencement of the action. The terms 'residents' or 'resided' as used in this section as it applies to a plaintiff or defendant stationed in this State on active duty military service means a continuous presence in this State for the period required regardless of intent to permanently remain in South Carolina.

SECTION 20-3-60. Venue.

Actions for divorce from the bonds of matrimony or for separate support and maintenance must be tried in the county (a) in which the defendant resides at the time of the commencement of the action, (b) in which the plaintiff resides if the defendant is a nonresident or after due diligence cannot be found, or (c) in which the parties last resided together as husband and wife unless the plaintiff is a nonresident, in which case it must be brought in the county in which the defendant resides.

SECTION 20-3-80. Required delays before reference and final decree; exceptions.

No reference shall be had before two months after the filing of the complaint in the office of the Clerk of Court, nor shall a final decree be granted before three months after such filing.

Provided, however, that when the plaintiff seeks a divorce on the grounds of desertion or separation for one year, the hearing may be held and the decree issued after the responsive pleadings have been filed or after the respondent has been adjudged to be in default whichever occurs sooner.

SECTION 20-3-90. Attempt at reconciliation.

In all cases referred to a master or special referee, such master or special referee shall, except in default cases, summon the party or parties within the jurisdiction of the court before him and shall in all cases make an earnest effort to bring about a reconciliation between the parties if they appear before him. No judgment of divorce shall be granted in such case unless the master or special referee to whom such cause may have been referred shall certify in his report or, if the cause has not been referred, unless the trial judge shall state in the decree that he has attempted to reconcile the parties to such action and that such efforts were unavailing.

SECTION 20-3-125. Petition to enforce award of attorney fee.

Any attorney whose client has been awarded an attorney fee by the family court may petition the family court for the circuit in which the order was filed to enforce the payment of such fee.

SECTION 20 7 50. Unlawful conduct towards child.

(A) It is unlawful for a person who has charge or custody of a child, or who is the parent or guardian of a child, or who is responsible for the welfare of a child as defined in Section 20 7 490(5) to:
(1) place the child at unreasonable risk of harm affecting the child’s life, physical or mental health, or safety;
(2) do or cause to be done unlawfully or maliciously any bodily harm to the child so that the life or health of the child is endangered or likely to be endangered; or
(3) wilfully abandon the child.
(B) A person who violates subsection (A) is guilty of a felony and for each offense, upon conviction, must be fined in the discretion of the court or imprisoned not more than ten years, or both.

SECTION 20 7 70. Cruelty to children.

Whoever cruelly ill treats, deprives of necessary sustenance or shelter, or inflicts unnecessary pain or suffering upon a child or causes the same to be done, whether the person is the parent or guardian or has charge or custody of the child, for every offense, is guilty of a misdemeanor and, upon conviction, must be imprisoned not more than thirty days or fined not more than two hundred dollars, at the discretion of the magistrate.

SECTION 20 7 100. Rights and duties of parents in regard to their minor children.

The mother and father are the joint natural guardians of their minor children and are equally charged with the welfare and education of their minor children and the care and management of the estates of their minor children; and the mother and father have equal power, rights, and duties, and neither parent has any right paramount to the right of the other concerning the custody of the minor or the control of the services or the earnings of the minor or any other matter affecting the minor. Each parent, whether the custodial or noncustodial parent of the child, has equal access and the same right to obtain all educational records and medical records of their minor children and the right to participate in their children’s school activities unless prohibited by order of the court. Neither parent shall forcibly take a child from the guardianship of the parent legally entitled to custody of the child.

September 27, 2006
6:51 pm
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kasie919
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Mama!!

where did you get that???
Im calling the shelter right away, even if i cant leave, i knwo based on this if its true i can get a PFA right???

Im printing this out and keeping it to know exactly what to say..

Mama, i know your right about him abusing Cj, i know painfully so..
I feel the pain everytime i let him go..
My therapist said i was doing the right thing, if i raise a ruccas over some things like i said DSS will take my son away..

I have been trying really hard to keep busy and away, givce him no reasin to want my son..

he starts witht those threats and i back down and get scaired..

Im torn between just dissapearing or putting him in jail, and making sure he beats the hell out of me first, it seems to me thats the only way i can get the authoritys attention..
sick isnt it?? they have to see bruises, i think its pathetic...

I wish he would just go away....

I know that aint happening...

Im am calling to talk to someone right now, we have this 211 line to call for safe help.. i will let you know what they say ok..

Thank you mama, thank you so much, this is more fire that i can shoot at that damned weenie!!

I love you!!

Kasie

September 27, 2006
7:00 pm
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one other thing mama, I cant go live with my daughter, she lives with her father and step mom, but she is planning on coming here for a few weeks to stay with me, she calls me everyday, and is worried as well, I have spoken to my dad, he has sent me money, he refuses to let me come stay with him,
I have on other chance, and I will rey that phone call tomorrow, from work when little man cant hear me.. I have a seperate plan, and I think I can get my dad to help me get out..

So Im not totally burried here, im trying to do the best I can, so far this week I havent heard from him, and we are about to go to my bosses house, so, i wont be here,

thank you for caring about me, im glad your here, and I promise you, little man will not go there again, I promise, even if he has to go to work with me..

Kasie

September 27, 2006
7:51 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

I have tears as I read this. I don't mean to disrupt your life; just give you the tools to make the decisions you feel you need to make. I know you are level headed and will do what you have to.

I wnt you to know that I am very proud of you for standing up and saying "enough". I'm proud of you for bein a good mom.

Here are the sites (actually the same one but different sections). Use this where you need to.....

http://www.scstatehouse.net/co.....titl20.htm

http://www.scstatehouse.net/co.....20c003.htm

Dearest Kasie... Keep us posted as you can, and if we don't hear then we will know you are safe. Be safe honey; you and little man.

w/love,
mamaC

September 27, 2006
8:01 pm
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Regarding K.... State B called today and said an emergency meeting was held w/ the other attorney and the Judge and the hubby's case filed will be thrown out. He said it's ok for K to move home coz even if he were to take a child the judge and his attorney already know his case is null and void. Now we see what happens in State A. Hubby hasn't been served yet and has no clue K has filed for Divorce in State A. she still wants the marriage to work but based on his behavior and him having an affair she had no choice but to file to protect her children.

Sad.

September 29, 2006
8:32 pm
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Hey Mama,

Just wanting to let you know im ok, have kept busy all week, the weenie hasnt bothered me once, must have the girlfrined stayin there,

Little man wanted to go over last night but weenie said no..

HHHmmmmm???? wonder what thats all about???

any way I dont care, like i told you, little man will be with me no matter what..
Tomorrow he is going to his buddys house from daycare, his mom offered to watch him while I worked, how cool..
A few people from chruch offered as well, but little man has to warm up to them first..

Im doing ok, not as scaired as i was, but i know how this road goes,

So Ive made it two whole months all on my own !! haha,,
soon i will be sayin 1 year, 2 years, etc... yippee!!!

Im gonna be ok mama, im gonn have hard times and really hard times, but that is God giving me my way, teaching me the way of life, its been hard forever for me, so i know i can climb mountains...

Right???

hope so........

Lots of love,
Kasie

September 30, 2006
1:06 am
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You're right kassie-

You CAN climb mountains. And you're gonna.

One step and one day at a time.

hugs to you.

free

September 30, 2006
2:53 am
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Yes Kasie. You are right. Remember, those that have as little faith as a mustard can move mountains. You can climb them as well as move them if you fight hard honey.

Hang in there.

October 2, 2006
4:14 am
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Kasie:

I do hope everything is going well for you. Chin up chickie. :0 My best to you and little man.

October 2, 2006
5:49 am
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Morning mama:

IM doin ok, did the no contact thing this weekend, refused to allow the weenie to see little man, he got all kinds of pissed off, threatened to do all kinds of crap, but in the end i guess he went on a drinking binge, as I havent heard from him since....hhhmmm...

I struggle daily, but i know im gonna be ok, this weekend i guess everything took a toll on me, i got really wore and tired, was very ill so i stayed at home nursed myself to at least get up for work today,

i see the therapist wednesday, and today again i start looking for someone to help me out of this mess, leagally....

I hope you are well, and at least somewhat feeling better,

send my love to Jigs, hope shes doing better these days, ive not gone to the other side lately to see..

Im ok mama, me and little man, we will just fine..

Lots of love,
Kasie

October 3, 2006
3:32 pm
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Kasie:

I may have already given this to you so forgive the redundancy if it has occurred.

This song is one I sing when I am not having such a good day for whatever reason. I want to give it to you also.

All I Ever Have to Be, by Amy Grant

When the weight of all my dreams,
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope,
Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be,
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me,
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best,
The more I get the worst..

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be,
Is what you've made me,
Any more or less would be a step,
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind,
That I only have to do,
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be,
All I have to be,
All I ever have to be,
Is what you've made me.

October 4, 2006
4:43 am
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Thanks Mama,

I have that cd, listen to it often but it makes me cry..

I do often wonder who I am, wo i would be, most of all why...

I know i am on the right path, im dealing daily, sometimes i feel as if i cant go on, but i have to for the little man,
Ive made so many mistakes, and stumble th last few days,funny thing is, no matter how hard everything is right now, i have no desire, no guilt, no pain for stbx, its all about me and my son.

Im tired of hearing how, i should live my life, and why i should come back and live at his house so i dont have to struggle with bills, today i will be turning off my home phone, and limiting my cell phone, I have to try to shut the door on this man,he controls, even when i dont even know it, then after i thing i realise what hes done..

I cant sleep, find it hard to eat, want to run but i know i cant right now, i want to scream and yell, but know that wont get me any where either,

today is just another day climbing that hill...

Thanks mama,

Kasie

October 4, 2006
10:43 am
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Kasie:

Driving out to a country road and then screaming out your lungs can be very therapeutic. 🙂

Ya need to let the steam off somehow and it's better than kicking the dog.

October 4, 2006
8:03 pm
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Hey Mama,

Feeling really depressed today, its been a rough day and it only gets worse, I just want to go to sleep and not wake up..

They lost my support action, at DSS, figures, ive been calling for a week straight, thank god i made copies of the forms, but now i again play the stupid waiting game, the anticipation of his anger is making me ill, im scaired and dont know why, im here hes in his whole, but i know the shit will hit the fan,

Ive never felt so lonely, i talk to my daughter alot, she will be coming to visit me in november, if she can save enough money, but you know shes still only a teenager, they get money and it burns a hole in there pocket..

My step mom calls alot, she too is worried, I talke with her last night, she basically let me cry it out, i told her how pissed I was at my dad, my mom, my family everyone, and how very very pissed i was at myself, to hatred,

Will i ever get past this? will i ever feel as if im worthy of something? I know you dont have the answers, im just gald i can pour my heart out here to you...

Love Kasie

October 6, 2006
9:13 pm
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Hey Mama And Free:

Ok its happened, and the shit has hit the fan,

My son was in the hospital yesterday, serious chest pains, an complaing about cramps, I needed to ease my mind about him, as I have a heart condition and wanted to make sure he hasnt inherited it.. So I took the day off and took my son the hospital, we got told everything looked ok, but his ekg was a bit off and i needed to make sure i took him to a cardialogist, so i will in two weeks, anyway.....

Call me stupid...

When we were leaving the hospital little man askes if he can go to his daddys, so i allow him to call and ask if its ok, he says yes and then askes me to drop him off, I say no, we had a long night and we are both tire, he could pick him up on the way home...

MAJOR ATTITUDE!!!!

hence the beggingin of my night mare..

I got up this morning in a daze, was really tired from last night, ahole called me a million times asking all kinds of questions, so i finally drag my butt over to pick little man up, when all of a sudden i get the wammy,

"Who you F***ING!!"
"who spent the night there?"
What am i the babysitter for your F*** night??

I looked at him like he had two heads, asked him where he got this info, he says.."LITTLE MAN " now what the hell would a 5 year old know??? and do you really thinnk id be that STUPID???????
Then i heard over and over, he is gonna take little man away from me, Ill never see him again, blah blah blah,,,

He saw this wasnt getting to me but making me grow even bigger kahunas, I told him, "do what you must, " IM going home and getting ready for work, and proceeded to walk out,

It didnt end there...

He follows me out the door, runnning his big mouth, all the way to my car, tlling me how ive had my son for two months now its his turn to have him, I say no way.... he gets more pissed, I pull out, and the phone calls start, 13 by the time i got to my house...

I go to work, make sure little man is safe at school, no one can touch him but me...

he calls me over and over, finally my boss called his boss and asked himto ask his employees to refrain from calling me at work, he doesnt want to fire me but if i continue to get theses upsetting phone calls, he will have to do something...

cell phone rings...at least 100 times before i go home, i finally shut it off..

pick little man up, head home, ther he is parked in someones drive way, I go into my house dial 911, and the idiot walks in , like he owns the place, started witht the im taking little man and you cant stop me, blah blah blah...

Police arrive, he gets all lippy with them they take him outside and tell him he had better watch it he was close to getting locked up, he took off!! they are now looking fo him, he had made a threat on me,,,

police listen to cell phone calls, about 5 into the million there they had enough, funny thing is in thi state, if you curse at someone over the phone thats a terrorist threat, HHHMMM... he said the F work about 50 times.....

They give me a list of things to do, and tell me to really get help, no kiddin!!

But they knew i was petrified of this man, it wasnt like the sandwhich episode, these cops meant it, they were there to protect me and little man...

I called place after place today, to get legal help, i make to much money for legal aide, i cant get pro bono,i cant afford an attorney, i just dont know what to do, if i file bymyself, it costs alot of money, i just am so damned frustratd....

Ok Free, you say you divorced the devil, this one is lucifer, HELP ME!!!

I dont know where to go or what to do, Im tired, very tired, drained...

Im not sure I can keep the fight, but ill be damned he take my son from me,

Jerk...

What should, or could i do???

any advice would be great right now..

And you dont have to tell me, I already know im an idiot....

Take care, love Kasie

October 6, 2006
10:19 pm
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Kasie:

I'm so sorry honey, but htis is NOT gonna stop. It will escalate until he's violent. Please reconsider the program where thye makeyou and little man disappear. I'm sorry but I don't see any other way.

:((((( Kasie )))))

October 6, 2006
10:41 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi kasie919.

Holy crap.

Could you please remind me if you are still married, living together, divorced, separated or what? Is there an existing court order about child custody?

I agree with MamaC with this exception: He is already being violent. You have just described an episode of domestic violence and an episode of child abuse. No normal healthy man would speak or act that way in front of a child.

I suspect you maybe should be thinking about a domestic violence protection order, which will most likely cost you no money.

This fellow's tough-guy act is absolutely sickening. And to act that way around a child? No way.

October 7, 2006
2:01 am
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kasie919
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Mama:

Heres how smart ahole is, He called the police, told them i was a flight risk, they called me at work, and asked what was going on,
he told them I was a mental patient and that im planning on disspaearing with little man..

They had a victoms advocate call me, while she agrred he is being very abusive, I now cannot dissapera because they just passed the law here, that I can go to jail for custodial interfierence,

I just cried my eyes out..

Ive now how to shut off my cell phone, hes still calling me, Ive notified the pilice and htey have contacted the phone company to track the calls..

Im ok with what has happened, no one will hurt me, I have to get to find some one to help me, IM gonna go to church tonight and pray for guidence, I have no other way of breaking free,

Im so stupid...

I love you mama:

Kasie

October 7, 2006
2:07 am
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kasie919
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WD

Oh i fianlly moved out, but it seems that wasnt good enough, he would pefer im dead..

He has no real care to see my son, the only intention in his mind is to hurt me..

He cant hurt me any more, so he has to use my son as the pain..

Cant get a protection order, he hasnt hit me, cant get one on mental abuse, where I live it sucks..

But both police officers gave me ther names and cards and both said they would testify against him, that helps..

I moved into a better town that actually cares, dont know if you have kept up with me or not..

I may still dissapear, flight risk or not...

Im scaired but im not gonna let him take little man and make him be like him..

Thanks for being here,

Love Kasie

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