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Free or someone that can help w/ dv please, - mamaC
November 22, 2006
1:35 pm
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armyleo
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There's fighting everywhere!!! I can't stand it!!!

November 22, 2006
1:36 pm
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bevdee
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Hi Army

November 22, 2006
1:40 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

Me too. I will stand up and admit that my first time was rape. I thought for years it was my fault. We were drunk, he was high, I didn't say NO loud enough, etc. etc. But I no longer take that blame coz it was NOT my fault. I may have put myself in that situation, but I didn't ask for that to happen to me. I made bad choices. We all do. but the fault lies w/ the person that made the decision to rape you, me, free, bevdee, and all the other folks here that have had it happen to them. NOT a single one is to blame or to take fault. NOT YOU either.

You say it hurts to walk. Honey, what has he done to you now? Please come talk to us. it is so important.

(((holding you close as always)))

November 23, 2006
7:52 pm
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kasie919
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Army,

I have been home alone all day, just sitting inmy rocking chair, doing nothing....

I allowed my little man to go to his dads, and have a special dinner with him, he will be there until sunday night...

I made a pot of coffee, and decided to sit down and read a few emails, and came to the site,

Im sorry........

Ive not been here, i havent the courage, the desire, or the will to do much.........

Im sorry if you are worried about me, is not my intention, I just have so much like you on my plate i just dont know if anything i say can help you....

I know you know ive walked in those shoes you are wearing, only so vivid id everything right now, i still have bruises, they are mostly faded, but internally, I hurt like hell..

At one point this week i have wanted to throw in the towel, just go, but then, i relaised, how by doing that, he would win, just like your husband is right now, he is winning, or he thinks he is, he can see your distraught, he can feel your panic, your blame, your hurt, and he ejoys all your pain,

Learning how to stand and fight takes time, alot of time, im still learning, but i relised, I have some who will stand behind me, I have some one who wont let me down, someone who will lead me in the right direction, if i allow him, thats GOD, i know some will think im stupid, and there are some here who dont believe in him, but i do...

Ive been trying to fight, the wrong person... I am trying to fight myself...i should be fighting the lucifer, the devil, the asshole the jerk whatever you want to call him..he is to blame, he is whats wrong, and he should carry the weight, not me..

I think about you, and i wonder, if your H can see what exactly it is he is doing to you..your marraige is built upon you, holdong it toghether, he let it go the day he started to beat and abuse you, in fact before that day, we only want to hold onto those we "thought" loved us, becasue we "think" they are the perfect ones, they loved us, made us feel special, gave us children, gave us a home, etc.etc..

WRONG!!....it took two, to do all of it, Tow to build a dream, it only took one, to take it all away..

I desire that love and compassion you so feel you need to hang onto, but he cant give it to you, he is to busy loathing not only you, but himself, he will not ever change, but you my sweet, friend and cyber sister can...

I have given myself a deadline, to get my stuff straight, and I have to do it, not him, not my friends, no one, I have to do it, I have to get even stronger, although I aloowed the rape to go unforseen by the atthority's, im not going to forget it, but i will not be the avenger, I will allowe God to avenge for me, in due time..

I have started a journal program, i have started to learn about me, and who I am, I had to revisit, the past, and now i have to allow some of the past to go, I have joined a church group, in divorce care, I also, have devoted my spare time and days off to being a teacher assistant in my sons school, i have decided to go on a retreat for women, with other women like you and I, And i have resolved a issue with a long time friend, who will see me though my changes..

i have seen myself in a different way, and now it is time for me, to stop the pain and move on, move into a healthy life and more productive..

I only wish i knew who you are in that state your in, cause it would be wonderful for you to join in my aventure...Maybe some day..

Until then, I know you will see the light, your coming close, you just cant see it yet,

Pick up the phone, make the call.,dont let him win, only let him think he is..

start getting your ducks in a row... he doesnt think you can..

but you will... i know you will..

I hope you and everyone else here, has had a good thanksgiving, i have all of you to be thankfull for, along with The site co-ordinator, mama, and free...

I may have been alone, but not alone in spirit..
I have cried my last tears, I have to move one...

Much love to you, my cyber sister..

I will pray for you, and for your freedom...

Kasie........

P>S> sorry this was so long...

November 23, 2006
11:16 pm
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free
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Kassie, that was very powerful.

You're making it girlfriend. shortly, and I do mean shortly, you're gonna be at the top of this huge mountain, and when you look down, it's all green and forest and ferns and redwoods and streams with fish and tadpoles-

Embrace it.

Life.

(((Kassie)))

free

November 24, 2006
3:36 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Army,

Just checking in with you to see how you are. Sending my love -

Bevdee

November 24, 2006
10:39 pm
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mamacinnamon
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((((Army))))

((((Kasie))))

((((Free))))

((((Bevdee))))

November 24, 2006
11:08 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Mama how you doin?

November 24, 2006
11:16 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I'm doin alright. Went out to dinner w/ hubby's family. My youngest wanted another night w/ gramma so she has it. We rented movies but hubby fell asleep which I don't mind. I'm lookin up some laws but that's about it. Just wandering the halls.

How was your day? Good I do hope

November 24, 2006
11:24 pm
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bevdee
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Thanks, it was ok. I ate leftover turkey and sugar free pie. Took an online test and did NOT fail. And now I am sitting looking at the house and thinking I should maybe clean it tomorrow.

I am thinking about that Army, and hoping she hasn't been scared away.

November 24, 2006
11:27 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I hope so also. I missed out on all the "sister" stuff. Haven't had time to go read up on it. Did they all leave? or are they still around?

November 24, 2006
11:29 pm
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bevdee
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I think they have not decided.

November 24, 2006
11:30 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Thanks for lettin me know. I appreciate it.

November 25, 2006
8:44 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Army

I am bumping this up for you. Hope this weekend is tolerable for you.

Bevdee

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