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Free or someone that can help w/ dv please, - mamaC
November 14, 2006
2:00 am
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

I am here.

November 14, 2006
2:02 am
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armyleo
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Hi mama - did you read my post to you? I didn't think you were around, because it almost got buried.

He is off today, and as usual left, without saying where, but looked, like he was going to have a fun time...

November 14, 2006
2:03 am
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It's okay army.

I am so, so sorry that happened to you. this happens sometimes with hotlines- you may not have a 24 hour hotline at your rape crisis center adn the person on the other end didn't know that. she should have.

army, part of surviving this is reaching out continually. i ran into walls, too. I felt like every place I called referred me to somebody else. This is a big problem. Army, when you get through this, remember that, kuz it needs to be changed and lots of times survivors want to pave an easier road to those just beginning. beginning is by far the most difficult phase. You may want to do that someday.

I've an idea. How 'bout tomorrow you call the 1-800-799-SAFE number and say the following: "I've a friend who's getting the run-around from hotlines, I need to know the phone number of the closest domestic violence shelter that is OPEN and will ANSWER a phone, in PERSON, within the NEXT FEW MINUTES. Can you help me?"

Sometimes, army, reaching out for your "friend" is much easier to do. Check this out- you'll fight for your "friend" - argue with people on the phone, tell them that you need answers, etc. I did. met lots of peoples who did the same. hey- they don't know it's really you and if this happend to your friend, you'd be ticked. I am. Your local shelter needs to know this happened when your "friend" called a hotline- kuz until somebody fixes this, it might happen to somebody else, and that sucks.

army, if you can't call right now, it's okay. But ya gotta admit that it IS something to ponder! 😉

How'd I know you came on?

I didn't. Got lucky. Just thinking about ya. Remembering. Wishin I could zap you to a year from now. Wishin I knew the right things to say. Afraid I said the wrong thing. Just- well, thinkin about ya.

free

November 14, 2006
2:03 am
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armyleo
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It's okay, because I've been trying to avoid him, it's hard when we live together.

November 14, 2006
2:05 am
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mamacinnamon
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Army, where is the post? No, this is the first I've been on today.

Honey, you were failed back then. I am sorry it happened; no excuse for it. But you are not failed here. Take the steps honey.

November 14, 2006
2:06 am
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armyleo
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No free, you didn't say the wrong thing, it's been on my mind, since you explained to Kasie, but I didn't want to tell what my expereince was.

November 14, 2006
2:07 am
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armyleo
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It's in the Mamacin thread...

November 14, 2006
2:09 am
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mamacinnamon
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Army:

I agree w/ Free. Excellent advise as usual. I can see where the friend senerio would make things much easier. You'd not feel as judged or ashamed or guilty. Great advice.

((( holding you close as always)))

November 14, 2006
2:10 am
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mamacinnamon
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PS... HI FREE: Nice to see ya honey. Hope all is well w/ you.

🙂

November 14, 2006
2:21 am
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

You said... "It would mean that I failed, it would mean that my dreams will come crashing down. It will mean that I am alone in life, it will mean no one loves me, it will mean divorce."

You did not fail... he changed. You may not be alone in life, mr. right may actually surface. Mine didn't surface till the 2nd times. It will mean divorce... possibly but that still is not you that failed. The truth comes out in the end.

Oreo answered you. Didn't know if you saw it or not.

November 14, 2006
2:25 am
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armyleo
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I'm still here thanks for resonding...

I guess free disappeared.

November 14, 2006
2:26 am
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Hi mamma! I'm doing okay- struggling with my oldest teen, she's causing quite a stir. Hope you are well, too. ((mamac))

You'll take these steps army, in time. It has to be your timing, not anybody else's. You'll resist doing what others want you to do kuz it feels like they're controlling you or attempting to control you. That feeling gets confused with the negative feelings associated with the abusive control of your partner.

I'll never get mad at ya kuz the last thing I wanna do is control ya. I so want to see you take control of your life on your own. That means the timing will be yours, yours alone, you own it!

I'd sure like to see your local shelter and that rape hotline be made aware of what happened when you called. that sucked. I guarantee it would draw some attention.

Who knows where your husband (?) went, but he sure seemed to enjoy the thought of leaving you wondering, insecure, and alone.

Not cool.

I'm glad you're here army, kuz little does he know that you're NOT alone. You're beginning to build a support system, and you did that on your own.

Your gonna make it army. You're calling the shots.

free

November 14, 2006
2:27 am
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I'll never disappear silly, especially since I told you I wouldn't.

But, I do need to go to bed shortly.

(((army)))

November 14, 2006
2:31 am
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armyleo
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"That feeling gets confused with the negative feelings associated with the abusive control of your partner."

Yes, it's like you know. I tell myself you guys are saying it to help....

November 14, 2006
2:33 am
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armyleo
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"...kuz little does he know that you're NOT alone. You're beginning to build a support system, and you did that on your own."

I never thought of it like that, but your right, I do keep coming back...

I just hope I don't let you guys down or dissappoint you..

November 14, 2006
2:35 am
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armyleo
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I guess it's late for everyone, and I do work tomorrow...

Thanks for being here.

November 14, 2006
2:37 am
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saying it to help- well, in a way, yes.

There's kind of a sisterhood out there army, of dv victims and survivors. Victims are those still in the situation, or who have entered into another one. Survivors are removed from the situation and either hanging out in that "spot" or trying to move forward.

Many victims can't comprehend the thought of others who have had similar experiences. the aloness is very great.

so trying to help- well, yeah, in a way.

But more precisely, trying to take your hand into this sisterhood. that's what we do, and someday, you will do this, too.

free

November 14, 2006
2:41 am
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We're cross posting.

November 14, 2006
2:46 am
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Yeah, I gotta go to bed. 6:30 comes fast.

army, you're not gonna disappoint me. You'll take steps in your own time. You have already.

I'm not gonna be disappointed in the steps you take or don't take. They're YOUR steps. My steps don't depend on yours. My steps are in a different area now.

I care about you army. You're a "sister" whether you know it yet or not.

and you're gonna make it. We've got the rest of our lives to celebrate that.

No rush. You call the shots. Or not.

I gotta get to sleep, will check in tomorrow. So don't disappear! 🙂

(((army)))

free

November 14, 2006
8:19 pm
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Mama, Free, Angel..

I hope that all are well, I have been thinking of you alot, just havent had much time nor the energy to write, seem everytime i sit down to I just start crying, ..Im sorry..

Mama: Im not sure I could call anyone right now, as I feel like I bring allthis on myself, no I didnt tell him it was ok, i kept saying no, but he alwasy wins in the long run, Im tired of fighting, im just plane tired..

Today, is my daughters 21st birthday, she called first thing this morning to see if i was sending her money, What? who the hell is she kidding??Then she goes on telling me how she needs this that and the other crap, finally i had to stop her, and tell her, if she cant get her life straight she needs to stop relying on me to bail her out all the time.. I have no money, nore can I do anything for her, she walked away from everything, including her own baby, im not gonna hold her hand any more, ... I cant....

Shortly after that I get a phone call from my sister telling me how horrible of a mom i am for allowing her to abandon her daughter...WTF??? i am damned if i do and damned if i dont, she really let me have it, you see this was open fire for her, she never gives up a chance to tell me how lousy i really am... lay on th guilt... damn.....

i have thought long and hard about the situation my daughter is in, and I would like to turn that isiot in who she lives with who deals drugs, if he was in jail, she wouldnt be like this, but she chose to walk out, and i know if they do raid this house shes in, she will go to hjail as well, although i feel right now a little jail time will do her some good...

everything my sister says, just lays in my mind like a knife, reminding me how useless i am..to everyone...

This is so hard for me, im here all alone, with no one and nothing,

I did call my dad, again... and ask if i could come home, .. he said no... i expected no more.....he hates me...

i am a fialure in evryones eyes....

what did i do so very wrong??

November 14, 2006
8:25 pm
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My sweet precious cyber sister angel..

You my love have come a very long way, and you keep at it, its working, that box is cracking, and soon you will see the light..

I am so very proud of you,

I am sorry ive not been here like ai should be, especially for you, im sorry..

You have gained alot of friends here, and they love you as much as i do..

mama and free have alot of good suggestions, take them in, digest them and maybe one day you wil act on themm..

i can tell you this, even though you cannot tell or see, your changing right in front of our eyes, you are growing, and so are those Kahunas, you will get there, i promise..

there are gona be bumps, fall, and alot of heart ache, but i know in my heart, you are gona be fine, you are making it all on you own, in your own time..

think about each day, how much less you cry, how much less pity you feel for yourself, concentrate on the anger you have, delve it out to the one who deserves it, let the anger become your fuel, your gona make it ..

I love You angel...

you have a guiding light, you just cant see it yet..

believe in God, beleive he can help, pray silent, no one can take the lord from you, he is right there, holding you close.. just like we all are here...

Take care,

kasie

November 14, 2006
8:34 pm
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Free;

you are one hell of a woman, Im gratefull to know you and mama..

you have written so much useful and needed things, your a great help to many others here.

I cant bring myself to make that phone call, i keep blaming myself, i feel as if its my fault,

I manged to just come home one day, be home all alone i cried my self to sleep, i slept a long time, i awoke the next day, the pain is still here, i ache in places i didnt think you could , the bruiises are fading, and i dont have to wear long sleves as much, i think the people i work with know...

I will check in when i can, i just fell so drained, i give my son all my energy, he needs me more than anything..

hes what keeps me going..

Thank you free...

Kasie

November 14, 2006
9:02 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Personally, I have not been successful in building a support system in "real life."

Unfortunately most of the people who I thought would be my natural support system had hidden conflicts of interest that allied with...not me. That included my therapists and theray groups.

Only here have I found a trace of "NFW. That's outrageous. You don't deserve to be treated that way," etc.

I guess the best advice I would ever give anyone in an abusive relationship is: Do not do as I have done. Get out before you take major damage.

It's never too late to cut your losses, of course.

November 14, 2006
9:19 pm
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WD:

YOu know I love you, your always here with insite and honesty,

as too with me the damage is far to gone, ive made myself a promise, never go back, never get hurt..

im half way there..

waht is NWF..??

Kaise

November 14, 2006
9:55 pm
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Hi Kasie:

Sometimes people encounter or hear about situations that are just too outrageous or horrible or just plain nuts that they find themselves spontaneously uttering the phrase: "No Fucking Way!"

In my attempts to curse less in front of polite compnay, I am trying to use the more polite form of the phrase which reads: "NFW!"

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