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Free or someone that can help w/ dv please, - mamaC
November 6, 2006
1:33 pm
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kasie919
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mama,

I dont feel like I am doing so great, I got a phone call from my daughters step mom, last night, again my daughter has just walked away from her baby and dissapered, Im lost in all this, I feel like I should have been there for her, I moved away and abandonded her, she didnt want to come with me, she rather her druggie looser frineds be with her, Im just sick over all this, Sick......

How can she not understand her daughter needs her, I raised her all by myself, I gave her my love, i fought for her, i took good care of her, we went to church, i personally took her to school, when she was missing her dad i woudl locate him drag his ass into court and make him visit her, I gave up on child support, he owes me 10's of thousands i forgave all that, I forgave him when i moved here, becasue he allowed my daughter tolive with him,

nOw i dont know if she is dead or alive, im scared, and worried, how stupid could she be, why does she do this?

How is alcohol and drugs more important than you baby?/

where and waht have i dont wrong??

GOd I just hate myself, I will never fogive myself if something has happened to her..

I was selfish, and thought my marriage would work when i moved here, it was dumb, and now i have to be this far away and not know if my daughter is ok, im a horrible mom..

just horrible........

November 6, 2006
7:08 pm
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mamacinnamon
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KASIEGIRL:

STOP already.....

You were the best mom you could be underthe circumstances. Besides, you said her dad raised her. Maybe it's his lack of skill or ignoring her that did this. Who knows. Who even cares. (didn't mean that bad) The point is that she will do as she pleases no matter who or by whom she was raised. She has her own mind and she'll make her own mind up. That's just the facts. I'm sorry. No piti-trip this time chickie. Not at all. You are a great mom to little man and that is what counts.

I'm not saying that what is goin on w/ your daughter doesn't hurt and hurt bad. I know. you know about my son Jeff.... he's doin drugs again but only recreationally. What kind of crock is that. I told him his mama is in no way stupid here so don't even try to play me for a fool. I kindly reminded him that we had agreed if he went back to drugs then I'd cut him off and I will. It's the same w/ your daughter honey, not to cut her off, but that she is gonna do as she wants to do.

IF something happens to her, and we'll pray it doesn't, then she will suffer the consequences of her actions. NOT YOU. Don't fall into the cycle again and take the blame that is not yours.

Kasie, you are doin so very well. I know it doesn't seem like it but you are. Please hang in there honey. You can do it. I am so proud of the accomplishments you've already made and in advance for the ones comin.

šŸ™‚

November 6, 2006
9:22 pm
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kasie919
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mama:

I raised my daughter, on my own, her father came into the picture after i moved here, he promised to take care of my grand baby and my daughter..

but all this crap was going on even when i lived there, ive told about how she robbed my house, not once but several times, she robbed her job, she even stole,from her baby brother, just makes me sad, to know i failed her some how..

No this time with little man, im trying, Ive seen alot these last few months, and my feelings havent changed, im not going back to lucifer, he just has to deal with accepting it, im gona try my ebst to be a good mom, and just take care of me and little man..

What more can i do, when my daughter needs me, she will call, but im not sure ill be here for her..

its just so very sad... i just dont understand...

November 7, 2006
12:40 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasiegirl:

Yes, I remember you saying she had done those things. But who made that decision? You? Her? Were you there twisting her arm? NO So you cannot take this on as your fault. I'm sorry but you just cannot claim this as your problem or fault. You didn't fail; she did.

Kasie... stop trying to bring more in on your head then there already is. Your back cannot withstand the weight. Ya know??

Life is very hard to understand sometimes isn't it. I don't know what to tell ya there. Keep on hangin in.

šŸ™‚

November 7, 2006
1:04 pm
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kasie919
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Well she did it, she gave her step mom her baby, I am sitting here virtually in tears, I feel so bad for that little girl, I just dont understand what my daughter is thinking..

Im just really confused, my heart aches....

I thought if I had tried my hardest she would be ok, I was wrong, she has chosen the life of drugs, drinking and being with people who live off others and the system,

tonight I will be terminating her cell phone, and pray each and every night she doesnt die,

I cannot allow myself to fall into guilt over her, like you say mama, I did my best, thats all i can do..

My heart is broke, im hurt, this is not what i needed right now, but thats my life.....

im sorry ive been a bother to you, and everyne else, ill be taking a break from here, i feel as if ive taken way to much time here..

I love you,

Kasie

November 7, 2006
11:24 pm
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Hi Kasie!

What are the good things in your life?

Like things you have that you had no control over, and things you have that you did have control over?

I've learned that our life is how we percieve it.

Can you share some of these things?

free

November 8, 2006
2:02 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie:

Why are you leaving? I don't get what you mean by being a bother. I don't think Free or I feel that way at all. I cannot speak for Free, but I think she'd agree.

NOW is when you need the support honey. NOW is when you need to stay and let us help you face life as unfair as it is.

Let me tell you something. I know how heartbroken you are over your daughter. My son didn't give his child away but today he didn't get a lease coz he has drug charges on his record. My comment... consequences. Now he will suffer his consequences for what he did. Then to totally put the icing on the cake he in an uncommitted way lets me know he's using drugs. Oh, recreationally. I could totally spit. Well I told him... I didn't just put out 6 damn thousand dollars for him to shove it in my face. Told him that he was told upfront that he could ask us for nothing if he went back to drugs. It broke my heart but I had to be unemotional when I said it. I had to be sure he knew I wouldn't break. lol. And hubby took this week off to help him move. At least hubby isn't taking it bad. But then hubby has been right where my son is.

Kasie the point is and you said it.... You did the best you could do. I did the best I could do. Now it's all up to them and if they screw it up then we have got to not fall apart over it. Jigs mom is again pregnant and we are pretty sure she is back on drugs. Jigs is having to face that there is nothing she can do either. I think we all have to face this almost daily don't we?

Please STAY. We are family here and you are part of us. We are here for you.

November 8, 2006
2:26 am
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me mamma? I'll worry about kassie every single day for a very, very long time.

I need to check in with her.

Yeah, Kassie, I'll be very sad if you leave. I understand that you have to do what's right for you, but I sure hope it would not be because you felt a bother and what not.

You give alot of people hope.

free

November 8, 2006
7:24 pm
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armyleo
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KASIE, PLEASE YOU CAN:T LEAVE,

I know I haven't been around, I know you have probably needed my support and it felt like I walked out on you but I didn't!!!!!

Damnit I need you, I need you to talk, I need your support, I need your words...I'm sorry we haven't been able to talk on-line real time, but the time difference, doesn't help.

I'M SORRY - I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!!!!

Kasie...Please, I can't loose you...don't be mad...

DARN IT WHY IS THIS WORLD SO DAMN HARD/COMPLICATED/UNFAIR/HURTFUL (hurtful as in your daughter, your ex and my H)...!!!

Why is it 1 moment I'm up and the next, I'm crashing again,,,

UGGHH...

November 8, 2006
7:51 pm
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kasie919
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Mama, Free, Army:

Im not able to talk long, have been having some great pains latley, and really cant think with out crying in big huge amounts,

IM sorry for dissapointing everyone, especially you Army, Im tryin to be strong, and Im tryin not to leave, you expiereince this site yourself it pulls you back in, its a family,

Truth of the matter, im just exhausted, drained and in alot of pain, physically and mentally, ive been trying to mend on my own, and now realize i need medical attention, I was in denial, but now i will have no choice..

Let me esplain....

without going into huge detail,which right now im not up for total image reminders, but, a few weeks back, lucifer was here for littleman, he got into a fight with me about how he is a better parent and that he needed to keep little man, i got into the mode of taking my stnace, and told him what I thought, wrong thing to do.....

hedgrug me into little mans room,(little man was asleep in my bed)and kept telling me i asked for it,

he raped me.....ok i said it, now i have to vomit.....

i cant live like this, i cant hide anything anymore, he forced me, i kicked him, he hurt me,

no i didnt call the police, we are still friggen married.....

I hat ehim, i hate myself, so now I need to go vomit.....

maybe sometime i will come back right now i jsut cant......

im sorry,

im tryin army, im trying not to let you down

you have nothing to be sorry for ok?

love you all.........

November 8, 2006
8:09 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie,

You didn't let me down...

We're in the same [email protected]@cking boat...

I Love you...I want to help you...I wish I knew how...

Please go to the doctor...

Damn it Kasie you should have told!!! But I can't talk because, I've been in your shoes also...

Lord, please watch over Kasie!!! Give her courage, strength and wisdom to go on. Amen

ArmyAngel

November 8, 2006
8:19 pm
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That was to exert control over you kassie and force you to be submissive.

It's against the law to rape your wife.

Call a rape crisis center right away, and I do mean right away. Call information and get your local hotline number so you can speak to a trained advocate.

They'll ask you personal information- but that's just for funding purposes, you can tell them a fake name if you want or just tell them you wish to remain anonymomous. We don't make police reports as we believe the choice must be the victims. It's really important that you act on this Kassie, and by act I mean call the hotline number.

try to keep in touch.

free

November 9, 2006
12:30 am
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mamacinnamon
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Kasie

I agree w/ Free. This was his way of putting ou back under his thumb. Stand up honey and fight. I know you are exhausted. maybe now is time to go to a shelter and disappear.

You have nothing keeping you and little man there now. Your daughter made her decisions and the baby is bein cared for. kasie make the call. For little man's sake make that call.

We love you Kasiegirl. Keep in touch as you can. We continue holding you close and in our prayers.

šŸ™‚

ps... I knew that was what happened.

November 9, 2006
1:04 am
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yeah, mamma. I thought so too.

Let's see if we can break the "wandering around the house in a mild stupor." For the nausea, try Ensure or Slimfast. It gives the much needed nutrition and tends to stay down. Chicken soup to sip is a good one for a coffee cup.

(((Kassie)))

November 9, 2006
1:23 am
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It's important to call a hotline and speak to a trained advocate Kassie.

Rape victims often dissociate during an attack and it becomes a negative coping strategy. A human voice helps to keep you in touch and on the ground so to speak. Rape is a violation of trust and security amongst other things. A rape advocate is someone you can trust, but you won't comprehend that until you make that call.

Until you told us about this Kassie, you had yourself in a little shell. In this shell you felt you could be safe. and you probably are but only for the moment. He is isolating you.

that shell, it becomes "normal" after a while. It becomes home. It becomes something you feel you can never escape.

You reached out to us Kassie.

Call your local hotline number. If it's after hours, stay on the phone until they connect you. What happens is that you get an answering service, they call the advocate on call at her home/cell number, and patch you through when they get her on the line. This "on hold" often frightens callers, but we've never found a solution to it. Sometimes callers think they're being patched to a police department, getting recorded, all kinds of things. A rape crisis center is there for you. Advocates are people who have survived, and so want to take the hand of those who are now where they once were. Kuz somebody took our hand at one time.

Call Kassie. You are not alone.

free

November 9, 2006
5:38 pm
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armyleo
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Hi Kasie Angel,

Listen to free... Please...

((((Kasie)))

ArmyAngel

November 11, 2006
2:48 pm
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bump

Hoping to hear from kassie.

Army, have you considered attending a dv women's support group, or therapy?

These two things became a lifeline for me.

free

November 12, 2006
4:01 am
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army? kassie?

November 12, 2006
2:49 pm
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HI Free:

Hope your day is goin well. Gotta yell....

ARMY?? KASIE??

lol. had to help šŸ™‚

November 12, 2006
11:07 pm
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free - mama,

Has anyone heard from Kasie???

I've sort of been out of it lately..

Can't stay but needed to check...

sigh...

November 13, 2006
3:20 pm
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Hi Free you asked "Army, have you considered attending a dv women's support group, or therapy?"

I guess I haven't, I guess I'm still trying to work it on my own...

I find it so hard, to write what goes on, that I can't see facing someone...

Besides this is my lifeline for now...I shut down completely, and walk around like a zombie or lay around for days and then something triggers my mind and I come back...It's like I come back to folks who are willing to listen to me. I haven't had that before. I don't want to abuse the system here either, I don't want people to get mad and tired of me.

Mama, can't write much today, he's off today...

November 13, 2006
8:47 pm
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That's understandable army, normal, common. It's okay.

If you can just make a phone call to your dv shelter and ask if there's a support group you can attend, and then GO, things are gonna change so much for you army.

the first time I went, I just sat there. the leader asked me if I wanted to talk, I said no. I listened.

so, one step at a time. Do me a favor- will you? I just need to know if there are support groups in your area. Not every town has them and we're working on getting dv shelters/support groups in all communities. So I need you to call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or 1-800-799-7233 and get the phone number for the shelter nearest you. If you use your home phone, after you hang up, dial your home phone number and then hang up. this will protect you from him picking up the phone and hitting redial to see where you last called (that happened to me and my ex got a lawyer's office in my parents home town- not a pretty evening that night).

Let me know when you have the number and if it is close to you.

I'll be checking in.

Take my hand army. I won't let go.

Just take it.

free

November 14, 2006
1:24 am
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Hi army! šŸ™‚

Kassie- worried about ya

free

November 14, 2006
1:45 am
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Hi free,

How did you know I came on?

Around 2 months ago, before I came here, I called the r... hotline... it was frustrating because like you said, they, whoever, answered the phone wouldn't talk to me, they asked where I lived... I'm shaking, and crying and all I wanted was for someone to talk to me before I chickened out etc. Finally they patched me throught to supposedly the closest place to me and you know what????

It was a damn recording, here i was all messed up, and they patched me through a freacking recorded message... Some clinic, hours 9-5 please call later if this is an emergency dial 911....I didn't want to hear that!!! I'm in my car hiding with no place to go, threw the cell phone out the window in, drove and drove and finally went home...I went and just sat under the shower until the water turned cold...

No one was there to listen to me no one was there to help.... and this is a rape hotline!!!

Free I can't do it!!

November 14, 2006
1:58 am
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you still around??? I saw you posted?

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