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Finally home....Mich here!!
April 30, 2009
9:34 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I don't have a ton of time at this point to write, but I wanted to let you all know that I am home.

It was a long 12 days, but probably the best 12 days that could have happened to me, AND my family. I checked myself in knowing that there were some internal issues that needed some help, but...I had NO idea how much good it would do for the external parts of my life as well.

I am back on medications, which is taking some adjusting for me. One of them makes me pretty lightheaded, but they said that would pass. I am really hoping that the meds help, though I am well aware that meds are just a miniscule part of what I need to do.

Going through some of the group therapy and the individual therapy sessions that went on there, I learned some great things. I plan to share some of those things as soon as I get the chance.

I appreciate all of your support and hugs through this time, and for the last 3 years of my life. It is hard to sometimes seem like I have so far to go, yet, when I look back 3 years, it gives me hope. Where I was 3 years ago, is NO comparison to where I am at now. Not where I want to be yet, but I am back on track for getting there. I hit a bump in the road, but I really don't believe it was a bad bump. At least I didn't allow it to be a road block.

I just wanted to let you all know for now that I am home, and I will post more when I have a little more time.

Love to you all....

Mich

April 30, 2009
10:29 am
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lollipop3
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(((((Mich))))),

I'm glad you're home and feeling better.

Write more when you have time and let us know about your progress, what you've learned etc. I'm really interested to hear.

Take care,
Lolli

May 1, 2009
3:30 am
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mamacinnamon
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Glad to know you are home. Do not get back into the old things... keep the new things learned in front of your face as your goals. As my counselor says, NOBODY likes it when someone changes and you'll meet lots of opposition, but if you keep changing then the folks around you can either change also or leave. It works; it really does.

May 1, 2009
5:16 pm
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((((((((((MITCH))))))))))

May 5, 2009
3:35 am
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bevdee
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(((Spitfire)))

May 5, 2009
9:41 am
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((((mitch))))
Good for you getting help and allowing yourself to go thru the process of being helped.

May 5, 2009
11:13 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well, I am going to write a little bit now, as I don't have a ton of time. That said, I don't see myself having a ton of time anytime soon to sit down and write out all that I would like to.

I am moving into a new house this weekend, and am very excited about that. Though packing has me as stressed out as humanly possible. I think that it will be a good new start for our family. It doesn't take away what we have been through but I believe it can be a new starting point if we allow it to be.

I have known for quite a while things seemed to be getting so much better on the homefront I still wasn't doing as well as I would have liked to. In fact, I found myself going downhill rather quickly. To a point that I found myself sitting in the presence of a loaded pistol questioning whether or not taking my life was the answer. That was something that had not crossed my mind (to that extent) in many years. Suicidal ideations are something that I think about off and on. I just do whatever it takes to try not to dwell on them. It didn't work this time. Obviously I am still here, but that is only because of my children. The truth is, whatever stopped me is irrelevant, I am here and that is what matters.

Something along the way hadn't made sense to me. Though things were getting better on the homefront, I was getting angrier and angrier. It didn't make sense to me. Many people that were/are involved said they knew it was coming.

This last semester of school, I took 4 classes in the Social Work field, in which all of them went into the family of origin, and the roles we played and the make up of who we are. I really thought I had made headway with all of this. I started to wonder if everything I had done to this point was for no reason at all. I knew throughout the semester that it was getting to me more and more. To a point that I said I was going to change my plans for what I want to be when I grow up. It took someone who simply asked me, "How long are you going to run from your past?" and I knew it was the truth. I knew that I would merely be giving up what my heart desperately desired. To be able to help others. I will not do that to myself. Not for the sake of not having to face the nightmares that haunt me. They need to be faced.

Several months back, I started to have nightmares on a very regular basis. Some very vivid, some of my personal past, some that had nothing to do with my past. Some of me physically abusing my children. Some of just the cry of a baby, or the sound of a heartbeat. I started to literally go crazy. I couldn't think straight, and all I knew was that I didn't want to live the way that I was. My fears of facing those things was so huge that my ability to question suicide came into play.

When I started to feel suicidal a few things happened. It was at that point that I began to yell more and more at the kids, and hate who I was more and more. Why?? I figured it out myself, and I believe that I am right. I was angry at them because they were the only reason I was here, and I didn't want to be here. I think in addition to that, it was easier to be angry at them because that made it easier for me to tell myself that they would be ok without me. (though somewhere deep down, I know that isn't true)

The last few months have brought forth many things. I knew deep down that I needed help. I knew that. But, I was so afraid of trusting anyone that it was next to impossible. I was seeing my old therapist (J) until last August. It was then that I received an email telling me that he was retiring. I about lost my mind then. I could not comprehend that coming from someone that I had shared my entire lifes events with, and someone who declared me borderline. Hmmm...because my fear of abandonment has always been a huge thing to me. I never wanted to hurt like that again. But the time came, I knew that my talking to someone was truly a matter of life and death. My life or my death.

Any of you who know what my family has been through in the last year and a half know that it has not been the easiest thing for me. I cannot tell you how much different he is now than he was. It is an amazing difference. Not to a point that I think that it is too good to be true, but very different. I feel like he listens to me when I talk, I feel like he is really trying with the kids in a lot of ways. His New Years resolution was to do more with them. So, he made a point that at least one night a week to sit down with all of the kids and play a game with them. I found him reading to them more, and just all around different. I was sure in my mind that I didn't think he would ever hit one of the kids again. It was my oldest telling me that SHE believed that, when I really began to believe that the change was real. There are still pieces to pick up and he is aware of that. He doesn't deny they exist, he just tries to do what he can to prove that what we see is real. I believe in my heart that for all of us that starting over somewhere new will be helpful. Including him.

My oldest was doing really well for a long time. There were no episodes of cutting until December. She started to go downhill rather quickly. We are unsure of what exactly precipitated that, but it got ugly really quick. About two weeks before I chose to go in and get the help that I needed she went nuts on her arms. There were 23 or 24 cuts between the two arms. It was at that point that I realized that I was of no use to her until I did something to help me. That was shortly after she told her therapist that she was more afraid of me than she was her dad. That cut pretty deep. She made it clear that it wasn't anything I had done (aside from yelling) but just the amount of anger that she could see. It was the realization that I was screwing them up as well. A pretty tough pill to swallow.

Easter Sunday came and it was an interesting day. We did next to nothing really. Went to church, and that was about it. Mid afternoon I get a call from my mother that she would be home from Florida in a couple of hours and wanted me to take the kids over to her house. Hmmmm, still stupid, I did just that. Bear in mind that the last conversation that my mother and I really had was on New Years Eve day when she told me as far as she was concerned she didn't have a daughter. That ripped my heart out. Of all the things that she has ever done to me, I have never heard those words. EVER. It was so hard for me to hear. Yet, when she got home I went right over begging for more. She had me look through some random pictures that she had and wanted to know if there were any that I wanted. Many of those pictures were of her boyfriend that abused me for 8 years, some of them with me in the bar where she worked. He had his arm around me in the one picture, and immediately wanted to throw up. I couldn't help but wonder if that was one of the days that he ran his hand up my leg to my crotch or whatever. I couldn't shake it. I went home, put my kids in bed, and just went through so much of it in my head. Almost like I was watching a movie in my mind. Monday came and I was still having a very tough time. J could see it. It wasn't depression so much as it was anger. At her, at who I had become, at what I allowed to happen to ME. Not as a child but NOW. J held the punching bag that night while I beat the hell out of it. He said he had never seen that kind of anger in any capacity out of me. He asked many times compassionately what was going through my head. I didn't want to talk about it.

The next day, Tuesday, I sent an email to the CPS worker that is/was involved in our case. I told her I needed to have a heart to heart conversation and I needed that to happen soon. She came Thursday and we talked for about two hours, and I fell apart in a huge way. I told her everything that was going on with me. I needed some help, and I knew she could help me get that help. It was at that point that we decided that something inpatient was the best thing that I could do. So, as hard as I had to fight to get that to happen, that is what I had chosen.

J said the several months prior to this (of course hind sight being 20/20) that he could see the signs. I didn't care so much what the house looked like, I didn't want to get up, I had isolated myself from EVERYONE that cared about me, I was angry all of the time, among some other things as well.

So my question was really, what brought all of this on? I made it 32 years without all of this, and now I am here. This is the best that I could figure out, and many agreed that there is probably great truth to this. I knew years ago, I really needed the help. Looking back, what stopped me?? J and the way he handled the kids. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY MARRIAGE, I FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO WHAT I HAD TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I knew that I could leave the kids with him, and they would be safe. I have spent so long taking care of them that I couldn't take care of me. But, it took its toll. However, at the same time, you have no idea to know what joy and peace I felt when I finally came to that conclusion.

I was gone roughly two weeks. I was put back on meds, three of them actually. I feel better, but know that there is a lot of work to be done. I was able to leave for short periods of time and see my kids for a little while. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, but the best thing for me I think. I learned a lot. My plan is to share that with you too, because there were some awesome things that I feel are worth sharing.

I just for now wanted to let you all know how I am, and how I wound up in that situation. I had said things were so much better, yet, I wound up in a mental crisis unit. Yup, and there was truth. My marriage is in a TOTALLY different place than it has EVER been, and for the better....but, now it is time to take care of some of the things that I need to take care of for myself. It is time to give myself the love and care that I need. It is time to work through some of it, and not just talk about it.

All that said, this is the start of what I hope to be the beginning of a new life for me. I have a long way to go, but I will get there. I have an awful lot of hope.

Love you all....

Mich

May 5, 2009
11:23 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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This is the poem that I wrote while I was inpatient at the crisis center. I think it shows a lot of the anger and sadness that I do feel about my past...I just thought that I would share it.

Angry as hell and I want to run,

Scared to death by a gun.

Hate who I am and who I have become,

Shared very little, really only some.

I lay in my bed and rock myself to sleep,

Waking to memories, I have buried so deep.

Remember clearly my head hitting the wall,

Repeatedly down the stairs I would fall.

Bruises and bumps and nobody to care,

Still don't trust anyone to be there.

The pain is so deep, and oh so real,

Nobody "really" cares how I feel.

My entire life spent being sarcastic,

Making it easy to be the ugly and fat chic.

Wish I could not care what others say,

Keep telling myself....maybe one day.

So afraid of not being believed,

Not willing to see how it'd be received.

My heart hurts and it needs to end,

Fearful so fearful on whom I should depend.

What really matters and what doesn't anymore,

Often wonder, what am I fighting for.

Sometimes it seems easier to give up the fight,

Tired of knowing, that I am not right.

Truth be told, I don't want to die,

Just seems easier the this life passing me by.

Want so much to be heard and understood,

Wishing always, for someone that could.

Raped repeatedly for 8 long years,

Still trying to hide all those tears.

Embarassed about what I've become,

Mortified by where this comes from.

I want to talk, and I want to trust,

Downward again, in hiding I must.

I don't want to love cause I don't want the pain,

Don't ever want to hurt like this again.

Will anyone listen, will anyone care?

I have a whole heart, that I am waiting to bare.

Trust next to no one, and I really hate men,

Desperately fear, being raped once again.

Told by my mom I must have liked it or lied,

It was at that point, that a big part of me died.

Thanks to her, I suffer the shame,

For that little baby, I chose to mame.

All for the sake of keeping the secrets,

Still live with the pain that nobody gets.

Is there hope here? I want want to believe,

Just want to feel some relieve.

Desperate for all of this pain to end,

Wishing with help, that my heart could mend.

April 24, 2009

May 5, 2009
12:12 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Never a dull moment around here....my daughter just called from the school bawling her eyes out telling me that she is the laughing stock of the 7th grade, because she is bisexual. She has known this for a while...she wanted to tell me. I accept her just the same, and she knows that. Do you think that they can really know for sure what they feel in the 7th grade??

May 5, 2009
12:15 pm
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Shaney
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How did everyone find out shes bi?

May 5, 2009
12:49 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Apparently one of them heard her "girlfriend" tell her that she is only the third girlfriend she has ever had. At that point he screamed it out loud in the middle of the lunch room. She didn't deny it to anyone, she is not ashamed, as I told her she shouldn't be. That said, she is unsure of how to handle the harassment that she is receiving. So, we will deal with that, as I now have picked her up, and we will talk about this for a while. She knows that J and I love her the same and that there is no doubt in her mind. We will see what comes of this. We have all afternoon to discuss this and we will. She is being pretty open with me.

May 5, 2009
12:53 pm
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Shaney
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Those damn kids. They can really go for the neck sometimes cant they? I hope she'll be okay - having your support helps, I'm sure. Hang in there.

May 5, 2009
2:04 pm
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bevdee
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Michigan,

You know I am always here twirlin that fire baton for ya! I love you.

(((Mandy and her kids)))

May 5, 2009
11:21 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Bev, I always sense your presence!! I have this little picture in my head of you twirling that baton, and very little could have made me smile as well as seeing you type "spitfire". That has been a while. I missed it!!

Shaney, yes, kids are mean. Horribly mean. She is going to be ok. She admitted that the one thing that does make this a little easier for her is knowing that J and I hold no judgment. In fact J's theory is that he would prefer she choose women until she is at least 20, meaning we won't be grandparents before we are 40. She is going to be ok. She said, "mom, I am 12 years old, I don't know if this is what I want for the rest of my life." I made it clear that she doesn't have to know that. The biggest thing that I made clear is that I hope she stays true to herself. That is all I hope for. Whatever that means. My love is unconditional and so is J's.

She was very open with me today. It was interesting though. Her description of how she felt was all based on emotion. Something that doesn't surprise me at all to be honest. She was abandoned by her biological dad, abused by her step dad, sexually abused as an infant, and sexually assaulted last spring. Her "girlfriend" has been raped twice, and been physically abused as well. (This is the girl that was pregnant at 13. Lost the baby at 16 weeks pregnant.) That is what scares me. She already has sexual experience. But, listening to her explain their relationship was so close to home for me. She said, mom, she gets me. In ways that nobody else does. I understood. And I was honest enough to tell her that. I told her some of my past. Regarding abuse, questioning my sexuality, past relationships. Not in depth, and not any more than I felt like she was capable of dealing with, but enough to let her know that she wasn't alone. I wanted her to know that I do understand, and I do get it.

Ahhh....it is what it is. I just love her to pieces. I hope she walks into school tomorrow, head held high, and stays true to her. That is the only hope I carry for her.

May 9, 2009
12:15 pm
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Hey Michigan

I hope your move is going ok for you today. I sure don't envy you that chore. I have moved enough in my lifetime - I never want to again. And I just moved myself- not little rugrats with all their clothes and toys and stuff.

Good luck to you and your family- this is Upheaval, try to stay calm. One box at a time.

Zinging you love, laughter, a strong back and patience ~ ~ on this short journey to your new home.

May 11, 2009
10:55 pm
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Friendma
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((((((((((MITCH & FAMILY))))))))))

May 11, 2009
11:40 pm
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free
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Sendin good vibes your way mitch 🙂

May 14, 2009
6:26 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am all moved into my house. All of my boxes are not unpacked, but the ones that are not, are hidden. :o)

I am just trying to get us settled. We finally got the computer up and running last night. I was about to go through withdrawal. Not even funny.

I also wanted to say that my grades were finally posted for the semester and I managed to 4.0 all 4 of my classes. I was pretty proud of myself.

Hope all of you are doing well!! Love to all of you!!

May 14, 2009
10:10 pm
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mj
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Wow Mich Your Grades are Awesome. Congrats on 4.0! Happy Settling in to Your New Home!

May 16, 2009
11:32 pm
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needtoheal
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((((((((((((( MICH )))))))))))

Good to see you posting again, sister.

Congratulations on your new place!

So PROUD to hear about your grades!!
Good for you, girl.

I've been doing well... although some rough times with the passing of my dear friend at work. So I got a transfer to another place and have now settled in nicely. I have a lot of senority there so I've been able to get a lot more hours which has been keeping me quite busy....

The boys are doing well... They sure do miss their Auntie.. They think about you all the time... M was in a geography bee at school (came in 2nd place out of the 4th through 8th grade...He is now in 6th and went up against an 8th grader)... Anyways, he loves to look at an atlas or globe and reminds me of how long it would take for us to get to Michigan!

J is now finishing up 3rd grade.. He broke his pinkie finger but didn't tell the teacher so I had thought that perhaps it was only jammed. He cannot wait for school to end and start his summer...

How they grow up so fast...

Time sure does go by fast. I've been here posting at this site since the fall of 2006.

My relationship with PS --- POND SCUM --- is totally over... No contact and it feels GREAT to be totally FREE of him.....

SO many changes ... but I still keep waking up each morning... doing what I have to do and I just take things a day at a time...

I am so much more happier now being alone. In fact, when the boys are with their father for the weekend I keep myself busy with work and I like to be home by myself... What a difference from a few years ago when I filled my lonliness by being involved with someone no good... Not anymore..

I know what I deserve.. I believe in what I do NOT deserve.. That is something that my dear friend C also showed me.. I miss him so much. But I keep our memories in my thoughts and I am grateful for each and every moment that we got to spend together.

I hope that all is well with you and of course the kids. Gosh I can remember when the baby was just a few months old... How time flies...

It's been great to see you here once again... You have always remained in my thoughts and in my heart ....

(((((((((((((( MICH )))))))))))))))

Love you!

Need

May 17, 2009
11:25 pm
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((((((((((MITCH))))))))))

Has anyone told ya that you are special today?? You are so very special to me!! Love ya.....

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