Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Feeling sad and lonely
May 2, 2009
2:40 pm
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi All,

This is new to me. But I am feeling sad and lonley and need someone to talk too and wanted some advice. I will be statring CoDa meetings this Monday. I am excited but nervous at the same time. I am feeling sad and lonley because my boyfriend doesn't really have anything to do with me anymore. He says he loves me but all the emotions and affections is not there. Today he is on he way to a AA meeting. He said he needs to find some friends. I feel that is great. We have been going to counsling togthere but it just seems he is not wanting to work on this together with me? I have told him how I was feeling about things and all he could say was we will be okay. But is doesnt feel okay?

Daydreamer

May 2, 2009
7:50 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi- If you have codependency issues and he has alcohol issues each of you need to correct these problems before you can even think about building a relationship.

When someone goes to AA they are advised against being in any kind of relationship for at least one year because AA thinks that relationships will interfere with someones recovery.

Getting recovered from alcoholism and codependency is a priority over trying to work out a realtionship. Why? Because it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with anyone who is codependent or abusing alcohol.

Your feelings are perfectly normal. It is very sad when someone has to admit they have a problem. The best way for someone to overcome a problem is to stay away from everyone and everything that caused them to have problems in the first place. Yes, the walk away from codependency can be lonley. Part of recovery is letting go of an alcoholic and leaving their recovery in their own hands. Part of our own recovery is dealing with our selves and our issues on our own.

May 2, 2009
9:09 pm
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We have been togther for now almost two years. Just a month ago I found out that he is a recovering alcohlic. I had no idea until we started to go to counsling. He don't drink now he hasn't for twenty years and neither do I. But now he wants to go back to the AA meetings which I think is great. My issues why now is he being so distant with me? We have talked about itand all he can say is we will be ok. Then I get confused.

Daydreamer

May 2, 2009
11:42 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What brought you 2 to seek counseling in the first place?

He might say things are OK but his behavior tells you things are not OK.

He is distancing himself from you.

It is odd that after 20 years he would suddenly start attending AA meetings again.

Do you think he has had a relapse? Any chance he may be drinking again?

May 3, 2009
12:30 am
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No he is not drinking agian. What brought us to counseling is my oldest daughter has been having issues and we agreed to go to counseling together. He said he wanted to to go to AA becasue our counsilor said thatit would be a good way to meet new friends. What do you mean relaspe? And what I don't understnad is why woudl a man turn his house upside down form me and my kids??? He says he loves me very much be his actions don't show it. This why I get confused. He also pays more attetnion to the girls than he does me. And if he remotley put the amount of attention into me like he does the TV we would dbe ok?

May 4, 2009
1:04 am
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daydreamer,

This must be difficult for you. Like Destiny said, you both need some recovery work. He is getting his help and so are you through therapy. The first lesson in recovery is to admit that you are powerless over people, places, and things. Priority is placed on recovering from dependency to independence. I think that right now, he is needing to do for himself. Just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean he isn't a dry drunk. Perhaps he found himself being triggered and wanting to drink, or even drank and has chosen to go back to AA. Which is truly awesome. A recovering alcoholic is only the next drink away from the gutter, so twenty years of sobriety doesn't mean he is cured.

I think he does love you and he means it when he says you will be alright, because it's true. As long as you are both concentrating on healing yourselves, it will alright regardless of whether your relationship survives. I think you have to give him space. Maybe you can invite him to live elsewhere if it's too hard for you and you can have dates when he is up to it. The only gift you can give him at this point is loving distance. He will honor and respect you for it.

You don't have to understand what he is doing or why he is doing it, but you need to respect his wishes. In your CodA meetings, you can share the pain and frustration you are experiencing during this process but try not to insist that he loves you and spends time with him etc. He wont do it and if he does, he will be very resentful of you.

May 4, 2009
9:51 am
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fantas,

Thank you for you words, They made me feel really good. Tonight I go to my first Coda meeting. And we are going to continue to go to counsling. We have decided to go seperatly right now until our counsilor says we are ready to go together. I am willing to give him his space. I want this realtionshop to work and last. This is the first time I can ever remember that myself and my kids have ever been happy.

May 4, 2009
12:15 pm
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fantas,

I guees to with being laid off of work last week it didn't make things any better. I am so glad you responded with me. I was just beside myself all last week and this weekend. Again I know once we both start this recovering process things willbe okay. It just somedays more than ohters it feels like it will never get better.

I don't have any friends, whicj is my fault becasue i have trust issues wiht people. It took me awhile before I trusted Bob. And I stilltrust him just very very hurt that he is distant with me. But I know this is were the he space needs to come into place so he can figure things out. I can not invite him to live elsewhere becaus ehe had asked me and the girls come live with him a year ago. And when we did that I sold everything I owned to move into his home with him. And now I don't even have a job. 🙁 But I willtake your advice and give him the loving distance he needs.I know he loves me and I just have to keep telling myself that and go to my meetings as well. 🙂

May 5, 2009
1:41 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daydreamer- When I think of AA I think of it as a support group for alcoholics. I dont think of it as a first choice to go and make friends.

Making friends is a great idea for both of you. Is there anything that both of you are interested in? Somewhere both of you could go that takes place in a social setting where both of you can make friends?

Is your daughter in counseling?

May 5, 2009
2:03 pm
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar,

He said he would meet friends at AA becasue he can relate to them? All of us in counsiling, my three daughters, my self, and my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel we need to go everyday.

May 6, 2009
9:19 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

daydreamer- When I think of support groups such as AA, Alanon, etc. I dont thnk of healthy, happy, well adjusted people. In my opinion the type of friends he meets there is not going to necessarily improve your relationship with him. AA is known for preaching to people not to be involved in a realtionship cause it interferes with their recovery. We have had story after story where people have come here and claimed that they had a partner who was going to AA and it was destroying their relationship.

If he has an issue with alcoholism and the fact he wants to go to AA tells me he does then it would help for you to type alcoholism into searches and learn all you can about the disease.

I am glad to hear all of you are in counselng. Is it helping?

Just to let you know I was married to an alcoholic. He is in prison now for his drinking. Prison has forced him to be sober. Even though they quit drinking they still have the same mind set of someone who does. It is a very complicated disease.

I know what you mean doesnt seem like 45 minutes once a week even puts a dent in solving someones problems. Thats why posting here is so great cause you can spend as much time as you need.

Did you go to CODA how was it? You can also go to alano. That is the group for people involved with alcoholics.

May 7, 2009
12:54 pm
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar- Hi yes I went to the Coda meeting and I like it and I will go back.

My boyfriend has not drank in over twenty one years. He is going to AA becasue our counslior suggeted he go. She also suggestted that we see her seperatly for now. He had told her that he had some stuff he needs to figure out. He also told me the other day he just was not happy in general? Of course that made me very sad. But he wants to continue counsling so we can figure things out. However sometime once a week just does'nt seem like enough. We are all doing well in counslinig but what seems to be the problem is that we have no communication here at home and if we do it seems to get blown up.

Amother thing that i sbother me. Is that my oldest daughter has gotten her self in trouble a few months back and has been caught in several lies since then. She wants to talk to my b/f about things but now she is telling me she is afraid becasue of the way he yell and blows up sometimes. And now she said she also feels like he doesn't want her here.

The thing of it is. My b/f as been more of a father to all three of my girls that their really father. So I wish he just wouldn't blow up like he does sometimes.

I have been feeling so sick to my stomach with not having a job, the issue with him and my kids,sometimes I just want to give up and thow in the towl. But i know that is not possible. I have to be strong for me and my family. But when I start to feel lonely and not well I start to cry and shut everyone out.

He tells me he loves me but that is usally when i tell him first. He has told me the things that make him be pushed away and I have worked on them. He has not once asked me to move out but i feel since he said he is not generally happy and allthe tension and anger going on i am on needles with and wondering when is going to ask me to move out. I don't have no where to go. I don't have a job so I could not suppoert me or the girls. SO I am scared to death to be honest about it.

May 8, 2009
12:24 am
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

destinystar....

i wanted to drop a line to say. today has been a little bit better still a bit achy in the tummy but i think it is a combination of loosing my job, kids and my boyfreind. ButI was able to concentrate in class tonight. Still feeling a bit sad and lonley. But i have told myself all day it is about me. and I will give him his space he needs. He called me today on his way home from work to let me know where he was and it would be about 45 minutes until he got home. I told him I was making a nice dinner for all of us. 🙂 Since the girls usally cook tuesday wednesday and thursday with me going to school. Since now that i don't have a job I whiped up a nice dinner for all of us. :-)It was also nice he told me he loved me first before we got off the phone. And then when he did get home he gave me a kiss first.

May 8, 2009
12:17 pm
Avatar
mezzo3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, daydreamer. I am really proud of you for having the courage to face what's happening in your life. It's important not to hide from it. Counseling, CoDA, all of it helps. I was in a situation similar to yours, and I found that Al-Anon was a little more helpful than CoDA. A lot of the people at Al-Anon meetings were there to talk about their relationships with recovering alcoholics who were sober for years; it's not just for people partnered with active drinkers. It seemed they were in it as a kind of regular check-up or maintenance.

I also think it's great that your boyfriend is going to therapy and doing things with his life to be happy. If he is making the effort to be a good partner, he's headed in the right direction.

I really agree with other posters who've said you need to give him some space. Letting go and giving someone room does not mean being distant or not loving them. But I'm sure you know that.

I think that if you are in touch with yourself and live with awareness of and appreciation for what you have, you will find more peace and happiness. And that will affect the peace and happiness of those around you. I don't know if you are a spiritual person at all, but if you are open to it, I suggest trying mindfulness meditation. You can read about it by doing a search.

Good luck to you, daydreamer! I wish you and your loved ones healing and peace.

May 8, 2009
2:31 pm
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Mezzo3,

Thank you for your advice. I think I will try the Al-Anon. I got on a website and founfd a meeting close to home. And it will work out great with my schedule becasue of school.

With the space thing I have noticed he has been allowing himself to get close to me again. I did tell him earler inthe week i was going to give him the loving distance he needs and respect his wishes.

Last night I was in heaven thou. No questions asked I just went with the flow. Felt like I was on cloud nine. 🙂

Today has been a good day. My oldest and I are hanging out and going to lay out by the pool. 🙂 Her and I have been hving some issue too. So I think that has been some of the tension between my boyfriend I. However last night I had school and he was home wiht the kids. I guess they had a good night. Thy went to my middle childs violin concert and then went for ice cream. My oldest told me it was a pleasnt evening so that had made me feel good.

I am a very spiritual person. I bel;ieve if it wasn't for God I would not be were I am today. We the Long abusive past I have had in a few realtionships and coming from a alcoholic family, God has been my savior and always will be.

I am also glad that I have found all of you. Knowing I have someone to talk to and giving me wonderful advice and opinions means the world to me.

May 8, 2009
8:46 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daydreamer- the fact you are going to school is a positive thing? What are you studying in school?

One signt of knowing we are not in a good place in our lives is when we find ourselves emotionally swinging from one end an extreme to another. When our emotions are tied to someone else. When we feel like we are on a merry go round.

When we get healthy we build a life independent of our partner and hold onto other things for support and maintain our goundedness at all times. When a relationship is icing on the cake instead of the main ingredient.

I hope you and your family get stabilized.

May 9, 2009
11:14 am
Avatar
daydreamer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Destinystar- Good Morning

I am going to to school to get my Assciuates Degree i Accounting. Right now there is a class that is very hard for me. It is mY intro to Business class. But i know I can do it.

We have our seperate counciling appointments today. But to day I have that sick feeling in my stomcah again. I know this feeling will pass in time it is just some days it worse than other days. Just like yesterday I was fine. But this morning I am just sick to my tummy.

I figured something out with my middle child last night and why she is always wanting to go to her firends house. She said they always do somethig as a family and the include her in on there famliy things. It kind of mad me sad. Because she doesn't understand why we don't do things like that as a family. Especailly after our last family couciling we had all three of them stressed that they wanted to do more family things together. (the five of us together)

You know Destinystar my girls and I have come from such a disfunctional life and so such mental abuse sometimes I wonder if there will ever be happinbess. There is so much anger, tension , resentment, trust issues, insecurity issues, and more.

Again I have gone to God, and he has been my savor. Like I Said befor if it wasn't for God I wouldn't be where I am now. I have seeked for help. ANd I am getting the help I need. I do for my self, take care of me then my family. In my heart I i know I am some what co -dependent because I have read the studies on it. But I don't think what I am feeeling right now is codependancy? I know who I am, I love my self, I love who I am . I love my kids to death and would not trade anything in the world for them. I love Bob dearly. It is he little things to me that matters. A simple hug, cuddle once in while I am humane. He used to to do all those things before. And what is sad is when two of me children notice the change in him and willsay things to me about it. For example there is a picture in our room and he his holding me and we are laughing and smiling with his arounds arond me. And my middle child came into the bedroom with my while I was studing and looked at that picture and said to me : mommy I wish you guys were like that again: I didn't really know what to say but to myself I said so do I. My youngest wants to know why he talks more to her older sister than he does me. How do I answer that question. Infact that was brought up last night. I honelstly don't think this all can be pinned to codependent. These are feelings.

Destinystar- thank you for being there whenI need a listening shoulder. I know things will get better in time. It has before. I have been down that broken road from being rapped, abused has a child, two bad marriages, and a few really bad abusive realtionships after the marriages od on drugs and sliced my wrist . My kids see me cry and feel sad then they tell me they feel sad when they see me sad. That is not good becasue it is not their responsiblity to tend to my feelings. Of course over the years I have done ten times better. And again I am glad I have seeked help.

I just wanted to say thank you. It feels good to get this off my shoulders.

May 9, 2009
2:59 pm
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

daydreamer- Accounting. Thats great. I know it takes a lot of concentration.

As far as the feelings that you have please listen to them. Your body never lies.

As far as your question about you and codependency is concerned this is what I see:
- History of abusive relationships
- Drugs
- sliced wrist
- a man who has a history of alcoholism

Of course you dont feel good. You are in a relationship but your BF is doing things that are not benefitting you or the relationship. Such as going to his own counseling and attending AA meetings. He is working on his issues, not your issues or the issues in your relationship. I can see both of you at a fork in the road and going down two seperate paths.

Codependency is when we are dependent on another person to define ourselves. When we feel like someone else has the remote control to our emotions. If they hold us we are happy, if they ignore us we are sad. A healthy person would not be bending and swaying towards anothers will. They would not be dancing to someone elses tune.

Getting healthy means not allowing someone elses issues to interfere with our emotinal well being and letting go of them so they can work things out on their own if they do.

You are doing a hell of alot to help you and your kids. I think that this stuff with your BF is like adding another stick to the donkey cart. At some point the donkeys back will break. You are pulling a donkey cart right now by carrying everyone and their problems on your back. You need help.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
44
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110906
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69, JohnMeave
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer