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Feel Your Own Feelings...Chapter 13
March 24, 2007
7:14 am
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Rasputin
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Hey Folks,

I am starting the next chapter of Melody's book, giving sweet MJ a lil break. She has been devotedly taking over the whole task. Bless her heart!

All is welcome. So don't be shy to venture in with your story, insight...whatever you wish to...even a joke is welcome> LOL.

Here we go!

When I repress my emotions, my stomach keeps score....

~John Powell

As codeps, we usually lose contact with the emotional part of ourselves. Sometimes we withdraw emotionally to avoid being crushed. Being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous. Hurt becomes piled upon hurt, and no one seems to care. It becomes safer to go away. We become overloaded with pain, so we short-circuit to protect ourselves.

We may withdraw emotionally from certain people - people we think may hurt us. We don't trust them, so we hide the emotional part of us when we are around them.

March 24, 2007
10:36 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I'm glad you posted this today.

Cuz I am in a rough spot today.

I am dating a really nice guy...but the minute things don't go my way, I feel like throwing the towel in.

I am afraid to trust and feel like I am going to be hurt.

And I may very well be.

But, in order to protect myself, I run away when things look bad...instead of trusting it will all work out.

I am FAMOUS for running away when the going gets tough...because I get a sense that I am going to be hurt (and have been) and want to quit before I risk it. I don't like being vulnerable.

I needed to be reminded that if I want a real relationship, I have to put myself out there and not be so scared...as well as ensure I have a good partner who I can trust not to hurt me.

March 24, 2007
11:12 am
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mj
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Thanks Ras! Rising, I can relate totally to the running then I broke my ankle and it slowed me down. Trusting our own feelings and knowing that we are okay.

Today's meditation was amazing to me. I will share it with all.

APPRECIATING OURSELVES

"We are the greatest things that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.
--Codependent No More

It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.

We may have walked through much of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly - feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and believing that somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.

We have a right to be here.

We have a right to be ourselves. We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.

We are good enough, and deserving.

Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.

It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.

We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are neither less than nor more than. We are equal. We are who we are. That is whom we were created and intended to be.

That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.

God, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that."

March 24, 2007
1:28 pm
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Rasputin
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Wow that is sooooo beautiful sweet MJ! Well thanks hon! Very enriching to the soul indeed!

Rising~Sorry hon for what you're going thru with your bf. I hope things will get for the better.

March 24, 2007
4:02 pm
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mj
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I really enjoyed re-reading this chapter and highlighting.

Identifying what I am feeling is simplier if I can say, I'm happy, I'm mad, I'm glad, or I'm Scared.

I liked how it suggested to feel your feeling without judgement. Get it out there and feel it. Then examine it. Is a solution needed?

March 26, 2007
10:28 am
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mj
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I made a mistake. Its mad, glad, sad, and scared 😉

March 26, 2007
11:28 am
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soprano2
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mj--

Your words a couple of posts up hit me really where i needed to be hit today. Thanks so very much for your thoughts.

I know that is how I should feel all of the time. But knowing with your head is different than feeling them with every inch of yourself and believing them to be the absolute truth.

But I am learning. I have a new friend that is showing me that there is more to life than what I have expecrienced. We basically share our thoughts and philosphies. It has been very theraputic and helpful to see that I really am not such a bad person.

Anyway, thanks again. Will share more later I am sure about this chapter. It's also one of my favorites.

March 26, 2007
1:20 pm
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mj
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"Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie is an amazing meditation book. You can access it online too.

https://www.hazelden.org/web/p.....catId=1904

When I start my day with reading the daily page, it helps me to retrain my thoughts.

Feelings are neither good or bad. We are entitled to feel whatever it is we feel.

In reading this chapter, I liked what was said about feeling homicidal rage is okay as long as we don't act on it. I am learning too. Its okay to feel. I am learning also that my thoughts can create my feelings and that I traumatize myself with repeating over and over that my situation is hopeless and etc. I am really trying to rewrite my script by changing the self talk.

I am glad that you shared!

March 26, 2007
1:26 pm
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soprano2
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Funny. I found that book in my attic about one month ago. I am not sure if I acquired it somewhere during my past relationships, or if the previous owner left it there. Either way, it is a good book.

I have been working on my self talk as well. It has been very difficult reprogramming my brain, but I have had some help from some very encouraging friends both on AAC and in my personal life. I am actually starting to believe some of the things that have been said recently, which is strange and wonderful.

If only I could remove the dead weight that is holding me down for so very long so that I can truly soar to my potential. I see the big picture, and it is in my grasp--now it is just getting there, and I am starting to get the courage and belief to get it.

March 26, 2007
1:39 pm
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mj
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What a great find!

Soaring to your potential! I like that. I remember reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull in my youth. Now he soared! I am glad that you can can see the Big Picture and know its in your grasp.

I feel optimistic today. I have been drawing my sketch for our employee's lounge on Customer Service. I am going to enjoy the day. I am nervous about my reoccuring pain but I am suiting up for the day just the same. It's nice to share with you.

March 26, 2007
2:26 pm
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soprano2
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How is your new job going by the way? I know that you were having some rough times.

I used to be an assistant manager for a major company, and had someone who did the things that you said you do. I found that she was very unhappy because the people right above her--the department managers, used her and took her for granted all of the time. I ended up taking her under my wing and took her to lunch once a week so that I could stay on the same page as her. It helped alot.

March 26, 2007
3:12 pm
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mj
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My new job is going well with the exception of punishing my physical body, ie my feet. I am learning it quickly and am feeling more confident. Now if my body would just cooperate. 🙂

I really like my co-workers. My managers are great too. I had one incident which rattled my cage temporarily. My Manager apologized for her mistake and that all worked out well after a few emotional tears shed.

I appreciate your inquiry and your experience. I am learning to just go along and do my best with this job. It isn't something I would want to do for a lifetime, but if I do it for a day at a time, it doesn't overwhelm me. I am learning that I can do this until I find something more acceptable. The pay is not good. The hours suck. My husband is happy that I am working. He is being Mr. Domestic to pick up the slack. My worse times are right after a shift when I am in pain. I plan on submerging my feet in kwan loong oil tonight to help them.

How are you doing with husband? Is he getting ready to move back to Florida? Is he your dead weight to which you referred?

I am noticing if I quit telling myself, I hate my job then I don't feel so darn depressed. So far its working today. I will be leaving for my first 9 hour day in a few minutes. Thanks for asking!

March 26, 2007
3:27 pm
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soprano2
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Just so you know, mj--peppermint foot soaks work really well too. And sometimes when you mask your feet (like with a peppermint foot mask or with a gentle face mask) that can help with swelling also.

Anyway, yes, he is getting ready to go back to Florida. He is leaving again on Friday...driving down this time. I hope that he stays down there forever. I know what changes I want to make but I don't know if I will have enough time to make them if he is gone a short while again. Besides, I really like when he is gone--everything seems to work much better.

He is my dead weight.

I am so tired of mourning the loss of a relationship when he is still there. It's like I am attached to a smelly dead body, and I can't seem to get away. It doesn't make any sense to me. And yet, I have chosen and continue to choose to stay. It is beyond any logical thinking at this point.

So, I need to get stronger. Stronger in the way I think about myself. I need to have more faith in myself that I can actually do it. That I am a likeable, smart independent woman who can make choices on her own.

And then, I need some money so that I can support myself and my two kids.

I go back and forth about what to do. I am tired of waffling. It doesn't get me anywhere.

I am slowly learning to be emotionally vunerable with other people though, and I have seen results.

March 27, 2007
12:15 pm
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mj
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Thanks Soprano for the tip on peppermint!

Be Patient with yourself, ok! You will take care of yourself when you feel ready. Sometimes we need to do nothing until the answer is crystal clear. You will find your answers. I believe in you. You know what you need and you will find the resources to implement your plans. Rely on your Higher Power to guide you.

Love to YOU

March 27, 2007
1:29 pm
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soprano2
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Higher power has put someone in my life who wants to help me, but I am very hesitant to start something else right now--especially now.

His intentions are pure, and he wants to help me financially. Has told me that he would love to date me.

I am feeling like I need to do it myself, and he is respecting that boundary very well (which I am very thankful for).

However, I am confused....why did the higher power bring this to light right now? I have known him for six months? Why couldn't it have waited another six months?

So many questions. I am making good decisions about this, but I think that it is going to be harder when husband leaves on Friday.

March 27, 2007
1:46 pm
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ggfred4
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s2, There is a reason for everything, or so I have heard...If this man really cares for you, maybe he will give you the time you need. He may know your circumstances and wants to step in and care now. Take care,,,,gg

March 27, 2007
2:53 pm
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soprano2
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And there is a whole lot of me that wants him to come in and take care of me. He has even offered to help with hiring a lawyer to start taking care of things (which is one of the reasons why I am still in the mess that I am in--my husband and I are in massive financial trouble.)

I guess time will tell. I just don't want to rush things. Am I crazy? What do you guys think I should do? I respect you all-just looking for some advice.

March 27, 2007
3:06 pm
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ggfred4
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s2, you must go with your heart and mind on what to do. I don't know the whole story and it is your decision. I would love to say, talk honestly with him and tell him to give you some space until you get back on your feet, mentally too. But then there is the part of me that would want to say, let him help physically (like the lawyer stuff) because you do need help, but with the understanding that it is only a friendship for now and maybe forever.
Sorry, not good at giving advice, but will offer a hug...((((s2)))

March 27, 2007
3:14 pm
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soprano2
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Thanks gg. Your hugs help.

That is just the thing that has been so crazy. I have set up my boundaries. I have told him exactly when I stand. I told him that it is going to be a long hard road--one that he shouldn't want to go on. I told him that I did not think that I was totally ready for what he wants. I told him that I could not think of him in that way right now because of my situation.

And do you know what?

He respects it--all of it. Every last word of it. No arguments, no buts, no rushing, no pushing, no manipulation.

And I ask myself--is he for real??

And I believe his is. This is so very very different than what I am used to.

That's why I want to take him up on this. It just seems so surreal. I am sure that this is what it must be like to have a real relationship. And I think that is what is scaring me about it. Not scaring, but it just feels wonderfully weird. Does that make sense?

Anyway, thanks for talking, GG. BTW, how are you healing from your surgery? I think about that often.

(((gg)))

March 27, 2007
3:19 pm
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ggfred4
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s2, sounds like a keeper to me!!! I say give the guy a chance since you had the talk, but guard your heart!!!
Please guard it!!

My leg is getting better, still doing p.t. three times a week. I just can't do stairs and my leg still swells a lot...but better, SLOWLY!!! trying to be patient...thanks for caring s2.

Keep us posted on nice guy...

March 27, 2007
4:22 pm
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soprano2
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I will keep you posted on nice guy.

I know that I am looking forward to husband leaving on Friday. Then maybe I can talk with nice guy without feeling weird about it.

And I hope my husband never comes back!!!!!!!!!

March 28, 2007
11:17 am
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mj
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Hi Soprano and GG!

For me, when I jumped from one relationship to the next, I wasn't aware that I wanted someone to take care of me. Now I know that is my job. I am learning that a healthy relationship requires us becoming financially independent so that the next guy doesn't step in and do what we are so used to doing. My current husband rescued me. Look where that got me. One frying pan to the next.

You will make your choices and some will be great! Do your best and learn from life too!

March 29, 2007
9:32 am
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mj
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I feel Happy today! I am free from my work life today!!!! As they say, it's my Friday! I had never heard that saying until I moved to this state. It was always, its my day off. Well, today is Thursday and I am elated because I don't have to punch a time clock, walk fifty hundred steps on hard surfaces, arrange, display, fold, hang, and kiss everyones buttocks! Its my day to enjoy life!!!!! I can feel my good feelings today and know its ok!

March 29, 2007
8:44 pm
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ggfred4
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Another hard topic to talk about: Feeling Your Own Feelings....

"We need to invite emotions in our lives."

This is hard for me to even type, but I made a commitment to myself to stick to this book study. For years I never cried. I thought my tear ducts were blocked...I think I was numb...I stored things in because I either didn't want to deal with them or I didn't know how to deal with them. In the last months on the aac, I keep reading, feel your feelings...Well, I am beginning to and it is painful. Writing that letter to my dad was more painful afterwards than it was writing it. The more I am learning, remembering, thinking, the more painful the feelings are. I know I can't go backwards, but part of me is yelling, RETREAT, RETREAT!!! I hear this part of the "process" of healing. Damn, it hurts!!! I am lucky to have this site available and a few close friends for support. I worry though, that I am going to lose these friends because of my feelings. They seem to be out of control at times.

But, I want to move forward to healing so I will not give up here.

March 29, 2007
10:22 pm
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mj
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(((GG))))

Be Who you are! I admire your courage to feel and know that you are okay no matter how painful.

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