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False Friends or Real? Please help me!
December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Rising, thanks for posting here! I would not trust her and i
would stay very far from her? She knew he was a socipath and what
he did to you and she kept in touch anyway? That is a character
flaw not a mistake my friend:(

December 15, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Hi
Rising,

For some reason, I
missed your post.

I think that
Chinadoll hit on a really good point about the apology
factor.

To my heart and
mind, if she were a REAL friend, then she would have seen the error
of her ways and how much of a betrayal it was to you and how much
pain and hurt it caused and apologized and asked for your
forgiveness.

If she doesn't do
that or admit to any wrong doing on her part, then yes, I would say
it is probably wise and in your best interest to terminate the
friendship.

To that end (and I
sense I might be getting on a soapbox here...) I think that the act
of really fessing up and apologizing to folks we hurt just (sadly)
does not seem to be on the radar anymore in today's
society.

It's not like when
I was being brought up as a child and was told: "You march right
over there and apologize to so-and-so" And I would (or they would)
and then everything was copasetic again.

I honestly don't
see that happening anymore and its so sad and in the end I think,
is a real disservice all the way around for all.

I can't really
pinpoint EXACTLY when this change started to occur/shift in this
country...but the one thing that springs to mind was back in the
1980's...(and is still very alive and prevalent today) was a sort
of popular 'posturing' and 'body language' beginning with the cover
of Forbes and Money magazines and the like (and spreading from
there into other areas) where all of a sudden, someone standing
there with their arms folded firmly in front of them seemed to have
attested to a non-compromising, winner-take-all type of mentality -
and that THIS stance is what being 'successful in life' actually
LOOKED LIKED...the poster man/woman (if you will) and that for some
reason seems to have fueled the mindset of being (shall we say) a
bit beyond reproach and/or an exaggerated, inflated sense of self
in a way.....and certaintly NOT conducive or congruent to anything
even remotetly related to having bear a sense of humilty in any
way, shape or form.

OK. Oficially
stepping down from the soapbox ~

December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Interesting TBT...thinking about the posture commenT
here....

December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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in
her defense (if she has the right to any) I did tell her in my kiss
off email that this was NOT up for discussion.

Two or three
months went by and she tried to call me...out of the blue and
opened the phone call with "haven't heard from you in a
while"....we used to talk several times a day....and she waited
three months to call to find out why?????

anyway, I told her
I sent an email, and had she received it....she said no (typical)
and I told her I had to go deal with baby and I would resend, and I
did.

BUT - my ex would
send her 25 emails a day (her words) and she ALWAYS got them AND
RESPONDED....and yet, her best friend always always always had to
resend emails...somehow they never seemed to go thru (and we used
same hotmail server).....go figure.

so, I just walked
away.

as far as apology
- later she tried to "friend" me on facebook - I blocked her and
everyone related to her. Then I discovered privacy settings and
made sure she couldn't see me.

Now I unblocked
her....and her kids, sister, and mutual friends.

so we'll
see....

may I ask - is an
apology enough?????

December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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truthBtold
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Rising,

"may I ask - is an
apology enough?????"

It's a start
generally speaking - but based on your last post she sounds like a
liar and therefore will more than likely not apologize...and even
if she did, I would be a little apprehensive to believe her since
she has already lied about not (typical) receiving your
emails.

I also think that
by trying to 'friend' you on facebook is a coward's way to try and
somehow regain a connection without having to actually face the
music of what she did to you and the trust she betrayed.

Just my personal
hunch/opinion...

December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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that
was kind of my feelings too.

just glad to have
someone outside the situation validate it.

I think if I got
involved with her again, it would not be the same as before...and
given the distance...could NOt be the same as before....so why even
bother???

so just letting it
go.

if she tries to
contact me on FB, I may agree, but it will never be the
same.

December 16, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Rising,

In my opinion,
based on what I have learned, a person has to demonstrate their
apology with actions. Anyone can say "I'm sorry" all day long and
they can be empty words with no meanings.

A person has to BE
sorry, not just SAY sorry. Example, my ex would hit me or choke me
or slap me...each time saying sorry, each time saying "I'll never
do it again." Then after the next time, I would say, "if you were
truly sorry, you would just STOP." No need to say sorry, just
stopping doing the thing that they are constantly "sorry"
for.

If someone did to
me what she has done to you (including the excuse- making, the
lying about not getting emails, and not wanting to take
responsibility for her actions), I would have to see a change in
behavior over a period of time, showing that she really is sorry,
and showing that she absolutely will not put me in harm again.
Without that, it does not matter if she apologized 10 times. Those
are simply words. I say show me that I really am a best friend.
Show that you truly care, show that how your actions hurt me really
had an effect on your conscience.

The person would
have to show me that what they did actually bothered them enough to
want to change.

Without that, I
would not let the person in the door again. I don't mean it to
sound harsh, but if anyone ever put my life at risk like that, to a
point where my ex would have any chance to hurt me again, that
person would have to put in a lot of work and effort with making
amends before I would extend any amount of trust.

What do you have
if you don't have trust? For me, not a whole hell of a lot. Without
trust, what's the point?

Just my humble
opinion.

December 17, 2010
12:00 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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again, you validated my feelings completely.

there isn't a
whole lot she can do to earn my trust back again. we live so far
apart...and there is almost no point in doing it...I have people I
can trust and I don't have to work at it.

I would let her
back in my life at a distance....but that would be the
limit.

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura
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The
truth is you cannot live in this world without having some
communication with others on some level. The other truth is that at
one point in time, no matter how wonderful your friendship with
another human being is, they will let you down because they are
human. One day, without thinking you may do the same to someone you
really care about also. It's just a fact of being human, not a
machine and not perfect. Relationships are so difficult and for two
people to actually make a connection repeatedly and understand each
other for a length of time and enjoy each others company over and
over again is just short of a miracle in my opinion. If you have
this, it's important to try to be a good friend, but to also
remember that no one person can meet all of your needs and that you
cannot expect them to never ever hurt you in some way. Think about
how many times in one day you let yourself down in some minimal way
or break a promise to yourself? It's important to know how to be
your own best friend and be comfortable just being alone and
knowing how to make yourself happy, but connecting with others is
part of being alive. Makes me remember the movie "I am Legend" and
Wil Smith's character going into the video store and pretending to
speak with the cardboard people in the aisles. So far as he knew,
he was all alone in his world and he knew that those mannequins
could not answer back, but he still tried because he knew that
otherwise he would lose touch with all that made him human, the
ability to communicate with others.

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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Hepburn
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My
Life Is about My Relationships... You will never find yourself in a
point in time when the subject of relationships is not an active
part of your now experience, for everything you perceive or notice
or know is because of your relationship with something else.
Without a comparative experience, you would be unable to perceive
or focus any kind of understanding within yourself. Therefore, it
is accurate to say that without relationships you could not exist
at all.--- Abraham

Excerpted from the
book, The Vortex, Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All
Cooperative Relationships

Our Love, Jerry
and Esther

January 7, 2011
11:17 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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Which really brings me around to what to do.

 

This ex friend just contacted me on facebook to give me a heads up that my husband (soon to be ex) has been repeatedly contacting her to obtain pictures and videos of our son's birth.  I gave him the stuff I was comfortable with him having.  But anything with my nekid butt in it was NOT going into his hands.  He wants the video.  He is NOT getting it.

 

So, she is redeeming herself by respecting me.  But nothing has been said about the past...nor do I even know if I want to go there.

 

she is being polite and respectful...but the door is open.

 

I just not sure what to think about all this.  I miss the friendship, yes....but with the many miles between us, I don't think I can have what we used to have...and with trust being broken....not sure how to trust her again.

 

who knows....she keeps emailing and I keep responding....I just need to stop until I figure out what I want.....

January 7, 2011
3:43 pm
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Hepburn
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Hi Rising!

I had a similar experience with an X friend contacting me. I soon realized she was an X for a reason. A leopard doesn't change their spots as they say.

They will soon expose themselves for who they are. 

I don't trust her either. ha Why does she feel a need to tell you what HE wants? She should just stay out of it. She doesn't need to say anything. Know what I mean?

January 13, 2011
9:24 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well, the whole thing is, she was staying in touch with my ex before, and it blew up in her face.  So, she is trying to let me know that another ex (again) is contacting her for pics of me and my son.  Either way, I am glad she did, cuz it's shows me (again) I can't trust my ex husband.

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